Dealing with Death

[MarleneA]

I lost my mother almost 2 years ago to cancer. I was 15. I did not cry much when she died, I was trying to be strong for my elder sister who's more, emotional, so to speak.
I shunned my friends and saw the world in a different light, or shall I say the light of indifference. A lot of people said that I was empathetic and was really good at tapping into people's feelings but after my mother died, a black hole inside grew bigger and bigger everyday.
I've had dreams of my mother since then and not all of them were pretty. I woke up crying sometimes. I still feel lost. I don't like to talk about my mother with my family or anyone else. I hate when teachers in school are concerned. I call it prying.
Am I being unfair to the people around me by being negative? On one hand, I want to let go and move on but on the other, I feel that would only mean forgetting my mother and I don't want to do that because the memory of her is the only thing I possess.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by MarleneA

On one hand, I want to let go and move on but on the other, I feel that would only mean forgetting my mother and I don't want to do that because the memory of her is the only thing I possess.

It's okay, dear. You're recovering. Your question shows that you're at Stage 6 of the Kubler Ross grief cycle as described here. You're only one stage away from the "Acceptance stage".

I suspect that you feel that letting go and moving on would be something akin to betraying your mother. Understand that your mother would have wanted you to be happy. So let go and move on.

You will always have your memories.

Lots of love,
ALG

[Michael45]

Hi Marlene.................

I am so sorry about you mother. I lost mine 7 years ago.
Don't be afraid to let your feelings go......... it will help. You will never in your lifetime ever lose those memories of your mother. The last time I saw my biological father was when I was 17............... I am now in my early 50's, and I still remember him ......... I still have the memories of when I was 4 and 5 years old of him........ So don't think for a minute you will lose the momories of your mother if you let your emotions go.
Maybe you should talk to your sister or another family member you trust about your mother and how you feel. Feelings happen inside of everyone and you can't carry the woes of the world on your shoulders forever. If this doesn't help, then I suggest a professional counselor.
Don't let that black hole eat away at you. You have your whole life ahead of you with lots of new adventures.

[evelynlim]

Hi Marlene,

It is important to let go and move on. I didn't realise this key lesson and carried the sadness with me from the death of my beloved grandfather for more than 15 years.

Using EFT can possibly help. Perhaps, my post here can inspire you to do take some action with regards to your grief
EFT Tapping: Fear Of Spirits And Death | Attraction Mind Map

With much love,
Evelyn

[dancer]

Hi Marlene,

I am very sorry for your loss. My mother is living, so I can only imagine the loss you feel. I have, however, experienced the loss of my child. I recognise the big black empty terrifying hole you mention. It feels like it will remain forever and that we will never come out of the darkness, but we do and gradually that hole is filled with light again. We all grieve in different ways and the book ALG mentioned helped me understand my grief and also re-assured me that I was not loosing my sanity. Not sure if you are feeling this, but I did.

My advise is to allow the feelings you have and to face them. Resisting, denying and pushing them away only prolongs them. I also recommend that you journal, especially if you are unable to discuss your grief with your family and friends. Do you feel talking with your family, adds to their own grief? I felt this, but talking is healing for everyone concerned. In time, you start talking about special moments you experienced as a family and you feel great warmth in your memories and the heart wrenching longing to hold them or see them again disappears. Know, however lonely you might feel in your grief, you are not alone. There is no weakness in your sadness.

If you can, accept the help of others to support you. Some may be prying, but many will be emphatic to what you are feeling and will reach out to you.

Letting go and moving on with your life does not equate with forgetting your mother. She will always hold a special place in your heart and you will always have your memories. I promise you.

You will get through this, Marlene.

Lots of love

[MarleneA]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

It's okay, dear. You're recovering. Your question shows that you're at Stage 6 of the Kubler Ross grief cycle as described here. You're only one stage away from the "Acceptance stage".

Thank you ALG for the link and advice. Somehow I don't feel like I fit in that category of the testing stage. I feel like it has been a cycle from stage 1 to stage 5 and back to stage 1 again. I'm very much familiar with stage 3 to 5 as well. I feel so angry sometimes that my mother's gone, because I still don't think it's fair for her and me. I am often down, even though I don't show it because I go to school and I need to communicate with teachers and my schoolmates. People think that I am strong but the truth is I fall apart almost day realising that I'm alone without her.

[MarleneA]

Originally Posted by Michael45

Maybe you should talk to your sister or another family member you trust about your mother and how you feel. Feelings happen inside of everyone and you can't carry the woes of the world on your shoulders forever. If this doesn't help, then I suggest a professional counselor.
Don't let that black hole eat away at you. You have your whole life ahead of you with lots of new adventures.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother as well, Michael.
As for talking with a counselor, I don't think that'll happen very soon. In fact, before my mother died, I was a member of the Peer Guidance Counsellor club and I left the group because I felt that they didn't understand how I feel. One member told me to cheer up 3 weeks or so after my mother died. It might be trivial but some people can't cheer up just like that. I find it hard to talk to my family about my feelings because I don't want to break down in front of them.

[Mike Estep]

Hi MarleneA,

I'm sorry for your loss.

My wife of 20 years, Rhonda, died almost 3 years ago in a car accident we were both in. It was very traumatic for my son (then 25), my daughter (then 18), and me (then 45).

I decided early on to embrace the emotions. I cried everyday for months, I felt like I wanted to die, but I carried on with my life.

I attended professional counseling for several months with an associate that I've known and trusted for years. It was very helpful to me.

You might want to read the excellent book "When Bad Things Happen to Good People."

I also felt it important to talk openly about such emotions with family, friends, associates, and my students to help ease their discomfort for not knowing what to say and to help them learn to deal with their own mortality.

Emotions from grief must be dealt with, because they will come out one way or another. Grief is a natural part of healing and life. We are designed to deal with it. However, because it is unpleasant, many people choose to suppress grief through drugs such as antidepressants, or by ignoring it altogether. This makes it possible for grief to be manifested months or even years later in the form of physical ailments (e.g., heart problems or immune system deficiencies).

I just know that embracing the process helped me tremendously to heal and move on with my life. I have since remarried, but I will never forget or stop loving my Rhonda.

I hope this helps,
Mike Estep

[Old Soul]

On one hand, I want to let go and move on but on the other, I feel that would only mean forgetting my mother and I don't want to do that because the memory of her is the only thing I possess.

you never forget!! I lost my sister when i was 15 and my mom when i was 16.... you won't forget,

Healing takes time, and you can not put grieving into a tightly packaged box, it is filled with emtions and turmoil and conflict..... there is no absolute method which works for all..

go easy on yourself...... write out your feelings in a poem, it was very theraputic for me perhaps it will help you as well ... enjoy photographs... she is a part of you trust me on this one:-)

I think it would be worth conisdering a grieiving councellor , they are trained to help you not pry or harm you...... if you are not ready for that right now that is ok, but don't shut the door on the idea

(HUGZ) I do understand the pain of loss ....