Fed up with waiting and stressed

[laciemn1]

I am so freaking stressed out lately, I think I could just strangle something...someone, anything really. This is obviously going to be a bit of a rant, but I seriously don't know what else I can do at this point.

My Stress

1. People - I think the people in my life are just becoming to overwhelming for me to handle. I've got people constantly nagging me about getting a job, yet I stress MYSELF out so much over money and jobs it's already stressful enough without people going around trying to make me feel guilty for not working. I AM working, and I've told my family that I get paid on a project by project basis and that I won't get money til the end of the month. I have to live off my mom and grandparents. My mom drives me absolutely insane; she details all of our bills to me all the time, but spends the money like it's nothing. It's her money, so I just have to bite my lip and pray that the rent gets paid and we don't get kicked out. I would probably get a normal, non-online job that pays weekly but my car hasn't been working and I haven't had any way to get around.

In the past, I tried so hard with these people. I've helped them as much as I can, and I always wish something better for them. I don't understand why they hae to be so shitty to me. My mom and I have been arguing for about 3 days straight. She called the police on me twice yesterday, and I stole her credit card and locked her out a few times. Then, she calls my sick grandparents and tells on me for getting drunk at a party last Saturday and also tells them about a legal problem I had that I didn't want them knowing about, because it would just stress them out and they would gripe and bitch at me until I am about ready to kill myself(not literally).


The three most important people in my life have all been ripped away from me; 2 gradually and one suddenly. I don't have any friends anymore. I don't feel any goodwill towards anyone around me, because everyone stresses me out a little bit more each time I talk to them.

2. Distractions -
Anything that breaks my concentration immediately infuriates me. My walls are paper thin, and I can't even get peace and quiet locked in my own laundry room. The people upstairs stampede across the ceiling all day long. The dog whines, scartches, bites my feet, and gives me a severe headache because I am allergic to it. The TV is constantly blaring. I don't have my own room. I have to leave the house to get any peace and quiet, and I cannot work without access to a computer.

3. Lack of freedom -

I have worked SO hard to get my car, then my license, and then my car breaks down. I've been dying to be able to get around since I was around 15--like THREE years ago. I have no patience left with it. My uncle is coming to fix the car tomorrow, but it seems like it's never going to happen.

4. Bills -

I have way more bills than I can afford. I am getting $1200 at the end of this month, but I have a constant need for food, gas money, insurance money, and court fines (driving without a license...). Other people are paying my bills for me, which makes it even more stressful in a way. I wanted to save the $1200 for either business or travel needs but it's all probably going to be ripped away as soon as I get it.

5. Pressure -

I put SO much pressure on myself to succeed, but other people still think it's necessary to point out everything I should be doing. I'm sick of it.

I know other people deal with worse situations. I don't really see how. I do it all. I practice meditation at least 2 times a week, I go outside and walk around and take work breaks, I try to be optimistic and know that what I want will come to me, but I am SO tired of waiting. I have plenty of free time, I don't have 29 kids, an abusive husband, or three jobs. I don't have coursework. I just don't understand why I always have to be stressed!

[Angela]

lacie, it sounds like you believe you are totally at the effect of other people and of circumstance -- like things would be fine if only other people and your circumstances would change! That's a pretty disempowering attitude, and I'm not surprised you feel like you're in a downward spiral.

You are very, very lucky that your mom still supports you after you stole her credit card and locked her out of the house (a few times?!?). That alone might give you pause to consider who you've been being. (If you were my child, I would let you go to jail .)

No one's going to let you completely off the hook as long as you are not taking responsibility for your life -- living off them, complaining about them, blaming them. Your best bet in getting yourself on an upward spiral is to take 100% responsibility for your life (why do I think you're going to say, "but I AM!"). I highly recommend you take a look and see how you are the creator of your experience -- not your mom, not the dog, not the people upstairs. Only then will you have the power to generate a life you're in love with.

And I REALLY recommend that you apologize and make amends to your mom for behaving like such a punk.

[norbert]

I do also believe that it's all about you. On the other hand, I don't think you should tolerate everything people do around you. Find a way to start living on your own and freakin' make it your way.

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
--Albert Einstein

[laciemn1]

Originally Posted by Angela

lacie, it sounds like you believe you are totally at the effect of other people and of circumstance -- like things would be fine if only other people and your circumstances would change! That's a pretty disempowering attitude, and I'm not surprised you feel like you're in a downward spiral.

You are very, very lucky that your mom still supports you after you stole her credit card and locked her out of the house (a few times?!?). That alone might give you pause to consider who you've been being. (If you were my child, I would let you go to jail .)

No one's going to let you completely off the hook as long as you are not taking responsibility for your life -- living off them, complaining about them, blaming them. Your best bet in getting yourself on an upward spiral is to take 100% responsibility for your life (why do I think you're going to say, "but I AM!"). I highly recommend you take a look and see how you are the creator of your experience -- not your mom, not the dog, not the people upstairs. Only then will you have the power to generate a life you're in love with.

And I REALLY recommend that you apologize and make amends to your mom for behaving like such a punk.

I didn't even use her credit card, and I only stole it from her after she called the police on me. It would be more accurate to say I hid her credit card. I wasn't asking anyone for judgement on my actions, or I would have explained the specifics. By the way, she probably would have sent me to jail, but she was drunk, wanted by the cops, AND we had illegal stuff in the house so I threatened to leave her there with it and she called them off. I'm not apologizing for ****. If you had a banshee shreiking insults at you, you might lock her out of the house too. Cheers.

[Angela]

I'm not judging you, Lacie. My evaluation of what you described in your OP and then in your response to me is: you're not willing to take responsibility for living a life you love right now, and that you are willing to continue living at the effect of others and of circumstance. Living in reaction. You are absolutely free to do that, and I do not judge you for it.

And as I mentioned, until you are willing to take 100% responsibility for your life, you are powerless to generate a life you're in love with. At some point, maybe you will be willing, and I wish you that, but it's no skin off my nose if you don't.

You asked how to be free of stress -- that's how. Take 100% responsibility. It's not easy, but it's effective.