What advice would you have for this guy and his wife with a Controlling Personality?

[cultivategreatness]

I just got this comment from a post on controlling personality on my blog and I wanted to share it with you guys, and I'm going to message the guy offline. He seems pretty distressed.

* Control Freak Personality - Are You Out of Control? *|*Cultivate Greatness*Personal Development, Leadership Training & Life Hacks

What advice would you have for this guy?

"I have been Marrried for 13 years and my Wife i a control freak, she tells me what i can and cant do and if i do the opposite she makes me fell inferior which pisses me off and we end up in a dispute we have 12 grand in the bank i take out 20 dollars and i get my ass chewed but she can spend what ever she wants without any questions, i sit in a chair tha squeaks she throughs a fit, I talk I get told to shut up, I can not take ita anymore i am a step father to two children and cant stand to leave her because of them but i feel like i am in a prison what can I do to help her change oh by the way she does nothing wrong ever and she is alays right about everything so you cant tell her she is in the wrong Help!!!!!!!!!!"

[kalyan]

if she is not wrong ,than u must be wrong,but your words say that she is not giving freedom for doing your own things,may be she might had become over dominative with time,in a relationship between wife and husband everything has to stay in balance including care ,love,freedom .One has no right to restrict others feelings unless there is a satisfactory reason in doing that and that reason also must be agreed by both the partners.just do the things what all she likes and just after that on a happy moment say what all things your facing as problem due to her and convince her that u like her much but decisions taken by her is making your freedom restricted.Ask for an explanation if required and say her equality has to be maintained ,if what all the reasons she say to u after that are satisfactory than its your turn to change yourself and if there is mistake in your wife and if she is not willing to change her behavior than shower more love towards her because love can change anything which hatred fails to do, that is the secret behind love .Even if she commits any mistake just accept it with a smile .i think this might bring change in your wife also making u happy without worrying about what she does to u.Remember that change cannot come in one night or in one month,,even a 25 years aged person shows obsession for changing his behavior than think of a person aged 30 or 35 plus ,so u have to wait with patience and patience only pays much if followed for long period if she doesn't change u will get changed at last what u required is getting the problem solved,patience only pays

[ladybug]

I can tell you that I am a very patient person, but I have no tolerance for this. Be it from the husband or wife. You need to take control of yourself, not let another control you. Also you cannot change others no matter how much you love them. I would say run, and fast! I have been in a controlling relationship in the past and I can tell you it isn't pretty. My boyfriend at the time didn't want me to finish my college degree, he didn't want me to wear lipstick (in fear of attracting other men to me)...the list goes on. I went out with him for two months, and when I broke free, I smiled everyday in his presence with the most beautiful shade of lipstick you have ever seen!

I have since been married to the most wonderful man for almost 14 years. We support eachother wholeheartedly. There is no control of each other, only of ourselves and yes, balance is key. It is absolutely, but it's a balance of love and not control.

[Old Soul]

Unfortunetly people like this do not really change, she could get councelling and work ( learn to modify her personality), but chances are she won't go in the first place

still in the meantime this husband needs support and councelling to be able to learn how to live with a person like this, personally i do not feel it is a healthy relationship to be in when you are dealing with someone who sees lifes as everyone elses fault...

it is a convientiant excuse to not take responsibility for ones actions... how can that ever be a give and take relationship? it won't as she is in a position to demand of you to feed her supply

deffenetly get help

[Faith]

Of course, it is impossible to diagnose someone from such a short description, but it is possible that the wife is suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. A good resource for this man to check out is BPD Central

Even if she isn't technically a Borderline, he will find a great support group of people who can suggest strategies for dealing with the behaviors he described.

Faith

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cultivategreatness

...she makes me fell inferior which pisses me off and we end up in a dispute ...what can I do to help her change...

"Well. Nobody else makes you feel inferior, and nobody else pisses you off. That's your business. "Helping" your wife change is NOT your business -- changing your own thoughts is. If you want to have a life that works, attend to your own business!

Which doesn't mean condoning being treated poorly, or staying in a marriage that doesn't work. But it does mean taking 100% responsibility for what you are being, what you are feeling and your reactions; it also means accepting your partner exactly as she is and exactly as she is not. You are not doing either, and that's how you have built the jail you find yourself in."

That's what I'd say. I might also be tempted to make some recommendations regarding improving one's communication skills.

[chopsaw]

the two kids in question are 13 years old or older. They've got a good bead on who is who and what is what in the relationship. This guy has been eating something distasteful for a long time. Being constantly brow beaten is a nightmare, and the only change this woman is bound to make is a change for the worse. He should leave. Take half the savings, petition for divorce, and let the courts decide what the next steps should be.

The next step for this man is to get some counseling, not for the marriage, but for himself. Otherwise he will, invariably, get involved with another partner who exhibits the same tendencies. But that's the work of a professional and not from an amateur like me.

If he is concerned about the two step children, he can maintain a healthy relationship, perhaps even visitation if the court allows it. He should try to keep the separation as dignified, and calm a proceeding as he can. He can't help the kids if he's constantly scrambling.

Even a stone can be worn to a nub by a constant drip of water.

[Alison Jenkins]

I've left a message on your blog. At the moment his wife knows how to control his every move. But by changing his wife will also learn that she can not control him. He is his own person.

It sounds like both of them would benefit from counselling but it only takes one person to change, to change the situation.

Alison
Changing Lives Online Counselling Service