I'm not smart enough or pretty enough or perfect enough for him...
 

I like this guy, but I can't help but feel that I'm not good enough for him. I daydream that I'm the perfect girl...for him...to the point where it is very very unhealthy. I can't focus on my schoolwork...I constantly daydream that I'm this perfect human being in my traits, prettyness, intelligence...for him. I constantly worry and hope and wish that I was perfect...for him. Its seriously making me depressed and I can't focus on my schoolwork because of it...I constantly think..."If only I was good enough..for him" help me out of my depression, please:( the sad part is even though I really like him...he's just one of those guys who just wants one thing...and I am sooo not ready for that. maybe i should forget about him and move on and think about guys that will treat me right and not just look at girls like sex objects?

From my experience as a man, and from talking to men about this sort of thing. Men tend to not go for the "Perfect girl" in that sense, frankly perfect people are scary and just a little odd. Its the imperfections that make a woman so attractive to a man. The flaws, not the flawlessness.

Oh. In that case, you don't really have to worry about not being smart enough. Your IQ won't be one of his key considerations.

Of course you should, but don't forget that people will treat you how you treat yourself. By the tone of your post you describe yourself as inadequate. That is how people will see you and treat you, whether they intend to or not.

Another thing: recognize wishing as the bad habit it is. Nothing has caused me more grief than wishing everything was different. It's nothing more than a momentary ego boost that leaves you with even more loathing for who you really are. Don't let yourself indulge in those incessant fantasies. They are only exercises in self-hatred.

Instead, identify areas of your life you can improve and pick one and work on it. Do something concrete. Develop some good habits. This site is full of ways to do this.

I find working on physical fitness first helps inspire one to change other areas. It's not about making a physical transformation as much as simply respecting and honoring your body, as a habit. It is hard to dislike yourself when you do things to love yourself regularly.

Hey lightthecandle. I always believe it's a good idea to get into relationships with people who will respect you and treat you well. Sometimes knowing this doesn't stop you from falling into destructive relationships because we all want to be loved. However, I think if anything a relationship with him at this point would serve not to build you up but to bring you down even more.

I hope you can believe me when I say I know what it feels like to wish that you could be with a person and that it will make everything better -- but even in good relationships that is not the case. Bad feelings may disappear for a while, but eventually you are right back with yourself...only now the other person gets blamed for your unhappiness. Truthfully they were not the one providing it to you in the first place.

We each have to secure our own well-being if it is to be a lasting state for us. Taking care of yourself and living a life you love that inspires you is the best gift you can give to yourself and to any partner. It feels so free when you aren't responsible for another person's happiness.

You are in fact perfect just the way you are and so is he. That doesn't mean getting with him is the best thing for you. It can be difficult I know, but try to turn your focus elsewhere and particularly on yourself. Take care of yourself and a healthy relationship will be much easier to find and enjoy.

Great advice.

Well it's good that you see the constant daydreaming as unhealthy. That shows your consciousness is getting some time in your awareness. You spend a lot of time in fantasy and future, try sitting in the now. Focus on your breathing for 10 minutes between classes. Things inside will calm down and you'll get some of your focus back.

"Needs" are such a terrible thing. Needs - desires that can only be fulfilled by someone (or something) else. "Needs" are often very difficult to fulfill because they rely on the actions of others. When they are not met, then you feel negative emotions. (Emotions are the result of fulfillment or non-fulfillment of desires, needs or expectations.)

If you are tired of being depressed, then it is in your best interest to release the need to impress/be perfect/approval/acceptance and choose a desire that you know you can fulfill in place of that need.

If you focus on desires that you can fulfill, then unrealistic needs will go away (and thus the negative emotions of not fulfilling them).

People will always treat you the way you treat yourself, Light. Haven't you realized that by now?

What is your relationship with yourself like, sweetie?

my relationship with myself is terrible. I have so much self hate and anger towards myself I don't know what to do with myself. I'm trying to love myself, I really am, i'm reading books on raising self esteem, seeing my therapist, taking my meds, talking to people but nothing. NOTHING , seems to be working I've read so much personal development stuff over the years, but I still feel like garbage. I don't know what else to do I just feel so hopeless

I've been in your shoes.

You feel like garbage because you CHOOSE to feel like garbage. In a sick way, it gives you an identity, and it gives you an emotional pay-off. For me, I needed an excuse to not take responsibility for my life. I needed the attention being depressed gave me (even negative attention was ok). I was really invested in being "totally NOT ok."

Letting go of that identity is tough. It's comfortable. And, if you let that identity go, then who are you really?

I really recommend you read Eckhart Tolle "A New Earth" and watch the Oprah/Tolle webinar.

This is going to be really left wing, but I think the reason why you like him so much is because deep down you know he will treat you like crap and your current self hate of yourself wants to bring more of that into your life through another person.

How you have described him, as a guy who only wants one thing, really sounds like there's nothing more to him than his looks and his bravado. How could anyone like that with no substance like the true and real substance in another. I can see that he would cause misery in another person that isn't at least as forceful metal-emotionally as he is. I could be wrong though, he could be very nice and sweet, but I'm just not hearing that.

Right now though you should take an opportunity to look into yourself and find out why you like him so much. What in you resonates with him and makes you like him so much? It's good that you are doing the work to raise your self esteem but I think it's like building a house on quicksand. The foundations are far from solid. There's a deep core of belief in you that sees yourself as not good enough, and that you deserve to be with an arsehole. Take some time out this easter to have a deep look in yourself and try and discover why you have such a negative vew of yourself. Use this self discover to free yourself from those negative beliefs and recreate yourself as the whole and perfect person that you are, flaws and all. :)

The real truth is that all of us humans really are perfect and it's just our own views that keep us away from seeing that. Discover that for yourself by deep self discovery and your life will change for the better.

He's really not a bad guy, but a sweet, funny guy (just a pervert sometimes, but aren't all guys?)I think the reason why I like him so much is he's the only guy that's really had a crush on me ever...even in highschool , when I was really unnatractive, so maybe that's why. but also, like I said he's HILARIOUS...and I think that's what I need in my life...someone funny to take away the pain in my life and save me from myself...
and once again,he's really not a bad guy I know better than to go for jerks who will treat me like crap

OH MY GOSH, you totally need to read "Why Men Love Bitches" by some chick i cant think of right now. ANYWAY, it completely validated my entire existence as a woman. i aint no doormat, but i got caught up in the problem of wanting to be perfect for this guy i was best friends with and was with for 4 years. then it came down to my career or him. LOL, as if. it totally broke my heart into a million little pieces to feel like i had been wasting my time. i kind of should have known all along though, and i think this book shows women the tricks of the "trade" (of relationships) and how not to be walked all over and taken advantage of by skeevy dudes just looking for sex.

oh, and as a bonus, it turns out that men fall in love with girls who DONT let them take advantage (aka bitches).

...or you could just read steve pavlina's blogs and become the ultra super version of yourself who doesn't NEED anyone.

either way, just don't be a goober and think crappy thoughts like that. not even if it feels all good and squishy at the time. be confident in your self and your own being and don't rely on ANYONE to make you happy but YOURSELF. (seriously, its a mistake. you'll find out)

oh, i should have read this 1st...

ok, make the decision to be a happy person. no matter how much it HURTS (yes, it does) to tear yourself away from being subservient to the world by depending on it. sometimes painful things are better than a long, dreary, ♥♥♥♥♥♥, life of depression and self hate.

find SUPPORT. not in the way of dependence, but just a community of people you know you can trust to lend a sympathetic ear when you need to vent frustrations and mentors to give you good advice along the way. if you don't have a family member or close friends who can offer this, there are community organizations and groups you should get involved with.

just the fact that you are HERE is an AWESOME step in the right direction! :)

*remember all the great things you wanted to be as a kid, get out there and DO it and finding a guy that will be all head over heels in love with you will take care of itself*

You mean to say that you aren't smart enough or pretty enough or perfect enough for yourself. You're simply projecting your own self-evaluation onto him.

You want to be different from who you are? Then do something different. Learn something different. Think something different. Read about new philosophies. Take up new hobbies. Beliefs->thoughts->feelings->actions. Change one, and watch how it affects the others. If you can change your beliefs, then you can change who you are. That's what you want, isn't it?

Dear lightthecandle,

This poor funny guy is just a symptom for you in your self-hate. Your subconscious mind has tried to find something unnattainable to aim for so you can continue to loath yourself. It's hard to drag your focus back. I know, I know, he's a great distraction from the boring "trying to care about me" stuff. It's because what you're doing to improve your relationship with yourself at the moment is not working!

I'll suggest EFT, (my website has a free beginner's guide or check my video on Youtube ) cos its the easiest and best way I know to improve your life, and simply start with a statement like "Even though I hate myself, I'm open to the possibility that I can change that".

I'd also suggest that you do EFT on whatever is bothering you whenever it occurs or as soon as possible afterwards. Then, compile a list of the 5 nastiest things that ever happened to you, from birth onwards. Spend half an hour a day working through that list, doing EFT on each one til it doesn't bother you at all and you could tell someone about it without flinching at all. When you've done that, make another list of the 5 nastiest events, and do it again, half an hour a day. Over a few weeks, if you do this, I promise, you will feel better, and this guy will seem irrelevent. Check my webpage for articles about using EFT, and let me know if you get stuck. Always happy to help.

Wishing you joy
Hazel

lightthecandle, how do you know he's only after sex ?

To be honest I'm struggling to think of anyone who would care what somebody's IQ is...

"Wow, did you choose just figure out which shape comes next in the sequence?! You know... that turns me on soo much."

:p

NO!

Another person is not what you need!

Looking for salvation in another person is a death trap. I've seen it happen to so many people in my life. They look for another person to make them happy, and that person is ALWAYS abusive in some way. You have to identify why you don't like yourself and learn to forgive yourself for it. Happiness will only be a mirage for you until you recognize that.

This guy is an ass. He has a 'crush' on you because he senses you are vulnerable and you need him for something. Stay away.

I'm feeling alot better =)
 

Well, its been a long tough, depressive few weeks, but I'm starting to realize that I don't need a guy to make me feel that I'm loved or feel better about myself. its true, I need to find myself first, get better (mentally, emotionally, and physically) and just take care of myself and be kind to myself instead of constantly wishing to go back to the past, or be the perfect person for him. I'm just so sick and tired of all this crap. its sooo not fun, when 95% of your thoughts are about him, and how inadequate i am for him and how I wish I could be perfect for him(I'm serious, unfortunately). but I'm learning to be ok with all this, everyone please pray for me.

thanks for all your replies, I read them all and try to learn and incorporate the advice in my life. :)

Glad you are feeling better. I will certainly pray for you. Try catching yourself when you start to think of him and direct your thoughts somewhere else. At first it may seem hard, but if you practice you will see your obsessive thoughts about him decrease. You have a lot of strength to draw from, now you just have to start recognizing that and doing what you can.

All my best.

Give God a chance...
 

The best thing i could tell you is to give God a chance. He knows better than anything else because he created you. Once you deeply understand how He sees you, you will begin to become enlightened as to how much you are loved and a wonderful beautiful woman, regardless of anything.