Responding to negative comments/criticism/dissing

[Nyx]

Hi, how do you guys respond to negative comments/criticism/dissing.

I have someone in my life that tends to have high standards, and sometimes I don't meet the expectations. I would like comments on how to take in the criticism without losing self esteem.

I tend to ignore it or don't reply to it or say sorry, but internally I just feel that no matter what I do, its not good enough. I wish I could take it positively. Any advice much appreciated.

Cheers.

[Angela]

One important thing to remember is that someone who is saying critical or dissing things is not really talking to YOU. You are just a mirror for them. This person in your life is projecting out her own inadequacies onto you, but they're not yours. You don't have to take them on.

If you care about this person and want to be the best possible mirror for her, remember that the best mirrors are still and clear. Be present, be still, don't distort her projected image by reacting. This will give her the chance to hear her own words outside of her head, to see for herself what she's projecting. That might not happen right away, because she may be out of practice! But it's good practice for you, too.

If you don't care to be a mirror for this person, hang yourself up somewhere else.

[martin]

You DON'T respond to it. Of course, this is easier said than done.

[Erin Pavlina]

The only person whose expectations you have to meet are your own.

Don't give your power away.

[Rockchick26]

I'm in the same boat as you! I was raised to obey and not talk back,so then whenever someone criticized me,i instinctively just shut down and didn't react and beleived them. Unfortunately most people that have this problem realize it too late and then they have a lifetime of built up bad self esteem and isn't fixable overnight.

What i've been doing is spending a lot of time alone,learning that i don't need approval of other people,i can be happy alone doing what i want,learning about myself. Explore your talents and interests. This may sound hard to beleive but human worth is not based on social or market value. And you might not be good at the same things other people are good at but you ARE good at SOMETHING! Find that something and develop it. And like someone else said,it is true that if they are criticizing you,that is a problem they have with themselves,they should not be judging you.

[Alison Jenkins]

People who are really critical about you actually say more about themselves than the people they are criticizing. This is their issue not yours.

Alison

[Tim Brownson]

Get curious!

Ask yourself, "I wonder what's happening in their life that makes them feel it's necessary to take it out on me?" Really seriously be curious about what the answer could be.

OTOH, sometimes we need negative feedback to improve ourselves but it's never helpful if it's in the form of an attack.

[mtrimpe]

1) Analyze the ideal their critique alludes to.
2) See what the aspects of that ideal are that you agree with or synthesize an alternate ideal which encompasses the original ideal.
3) Record this altered ideal in your list of desired ideals.
4) If you love that person, consider increasing the priority of the manifestation of the ideal, otherwise simply place it in your ideal hierarchy and communicate the place you have assigned to it (e.g. recovering from work after coming home comes first.)
5) If the person does not agree with the assigned position, invite him/her to assist in developing an ideal that realistically incorporates both his/her ideal and the competing ideal.
6) Deeply enjoy being a truly wonderful person who has realised his inner ideals to such a degree no criticism can hurt you anymore because you have consciously chosen all of your behaviour and truly enjoying finding criticism that actually hurts you because it's revelead something unconscious.

and of course ...

7) Realise that the other person does not hold him/herself to these same standards, become really frustrated with that and start holding him/her to very high standards. (or, well, just maybe, stop bitching and start helping)

[joecooool]

just repeat their insult back to them, it teaches them that when we hurt others it hurts ourself.

reflect peoples behavior back to them

but be careful never to let your own negative feelings or fears amplify the behavior when returning it. only match it.

or just totally ignore them, they'll learn that their behavior doesn't work, doesn't get them the attention they want.


stay away from people you dont like or that dont like you, just hang around people you get along with. everyone has enemies and friends, its normal

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by joecooool

just repeat their insult back to them, it teaches them that when we hurt others it hurts ourself.reflect peoples behavior back to them

This might work in some situations,but not all. For example,my dad is the one that criticizes me,i have tried ignoring it,and i have tried giving it right back. THAT was a bad idea. With some people (such as my dad) or maybe its just the fact that i'm the daughter and he's the parent,if you talk back to them or say something equally as demeaning,that is like a snowball effect,and then not only do they criticize you for the first thing,now they are more pissed off cuz you smarted off to them. You can't really fight fire with fire every time.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Nyx

Hi, how do you guys respond to negative comments/criticism/dissing.

I have someone in my life that tends to have high standards, and sometimes I don't meet the expectations. I would like comments on how to take in the criticism without losing self esteem.

I tend to ignore it or don't reply to it or say sorry, but internally I just feel that no matter what I do, its not good enough. I wish I could take it positively. Any advice much appreciated.

Cheers.

This is by far the BEST article I have ever read regarding this. Ever.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by Tim Brownson

Get curious!

Ask yourself, "I wonder what's happening in their life that makes them feel it's necessary to take it out on me?" Really seriously be curious about what the answer could be.

I can't give better advice than this ^^^^

[Old Soul]

Hi, how do you guys respond to negative comments/criticism/dissing.

I simply state "I will not respond to your negative attacks or demeaning coments," then walk away........(do not give an open door for this type of conversation period as nothing uplifting or edifying can come from it), protect your spirit and esteem at all times, this is your job not anyone elses...

I have someone in my life that tends to have high standards, and sometimes I don't meet the expectations. I would like comments on how to take in the criticism without losing self esteem.

Actually I think there is a misunderstanding here in regards to "high standards"
If your ability's were being called to the table, it would be a wonderful challenge, it would be done and met in such a way that your spirit would jump to the occasion, and the results would be a healthier happier you, there is never an attack on ones spirit and esteem........ This is not about high standards, but demeaning another human being,

I tend to ignore it or don't reply to it or say sorry, but internally I just feel that no matter what I do, its not good enough. I wish I could take it positively. Any advice much appreciated

1) ignoring it is not taking action, it is not going to go away . The reason you say you are sorry is because the approach taken by this person is not designed to help you ... there is no empowerment.


so please take heart and understand, this is your esteem your spirit and heart
do not allow negative attacks upon it, don't open any door for this type of relationship period

[jamestl2]

I think Steve handled it pretty well :
Steve Pavlina bash-sites

[Nyx]

Hello all,

Thanks for your replies and comments. I appreicate it very much.

I would very much like to come down to the problem instead of feeling emo about it. I'm not saying that I wasn't in the wrong, I may be. It could be that I am being over-sensitive as well. What I'm asking is, how do you graciously respond to insensitive people who say things that definitely expose your weakness and put you on the defensive.

Personally, I wasn't aware that I may be doing things not the perfect way, and it helps that these things get pointed out. But I get pissed when people start saying it in insensitive ways or that their way is the best way, either their way or the highway kind of attitude. I feel stifled and unable to express things my way.


So two things:

Am I being over-sensitive, should I be like a rock and live through it, at the expense of people always trying to put things on me and make me look like the weak link.

Is there better ways to respond and accept that I may be in the wrong and show that I learn from my mistakes. If so, can I have an example?


Cheers.