What would you do?

[freddy]

Hey, This might be a long post but I'll try to cover just some point to make it shorter.
I have a step daughter that has been a problem child, even before I married her mom she ran away and did drugs and that sort of thing. Had a baby at 14 year of age. Now she 23. Her mom just passed away leaving me with my own two kids and the step duaghter with one child 5 year old girl. She had a son the first child 10 years old but he died of a condition he was born with. She is raising her daughter and in my opinion spoiling her. She still hangs out with the drug friends, but claims she only smokes pot. She get pain killer for an accident she had an takes them for her pain. But she also sells them when money is tight. She never budgets her money alway has her pay check spent before she get it. Alway comes to me to get money to fix her car and anything else she needs. Sometimes I think she might be lying about where the money really goes.
So, My Question I would like some feed back on. are
1 Should I just completly stop lending her money?
2 Should I distance my self from her as much as possible, She tends to bring me down with all her drama?
I don.t want to confront her directly , because that could send her off the deep end, and then I would feel guilty, and may end up taking care of her kid as well. Any time I try an offer advice it never is taken. There is alway reasons that she can't leave her friends. Sorry for rambling on.
Any wisdom out there Freddy

[SonoranBob]

This is a struggle any parent has with a child who is (theoretically) out of the nest. You want to "be there for them", out of parental duty and love, especially when they are not fully formed adults yet (up to their late 20's). Yet, you don't want to be an enabler, either, and insulate them from what life is trying to teach them, or from the consequences of their own actions. They need that feedback loop, too.

It's bad enough sometimes with my 22 year old son, who has a tendency to make rather bone-headed choices sometimes. I have had to intervene in his life twice -- to get him help when he was suffering suicidal depression, and again when his girlfriend left him abruptly, cleaning out his checking account and saddling him with her debts in the process. Both times, he would have been dead or on the streets if I had done nothing. Both times, it was partially self-inflicted. However, three things allowed me to feel reasonably okay about helping him (1) he is borderline autistic and therefore deserves a little more mercy than most and may in fact always need some help; and (2) he has zero sense of entitlement and he absolutely HATES asking for help and tries to take care of his own affairs as best he can. It also helps enormously that when helped he is (3) genuinely grateful. Take-away points: Entitlement, ingratitude and laziness are red flags for helping someone out. In my son's case, none of those things applied. When most kids are past about 28 I would also make the level of responsibility / self control / wisdom a factor. If by then a person's impulse control, industry and common sense haven't kicked in pretty much, then the school of hard knocks is probably mandatory. It has to be given serious consideration, anyway.

So with your step-daughter, I'd ask, does she feel entitled? Is she genuinely grateful when you do help her? Is she playing with a full deck? And as the next four or five years unfold, increasingly: is she being responsible?

Be honest in answering these questions. If you do help her, try to structure things so that you encourage her to be responsible and/or send the message that you want your help used responsibly. For example, don't give her $100 to fix her car; give the garage $100 or have her send you the bill so you can pay it. This insures the money isn't going for drugs or non-essentials.

One thing here that raises a red flag: you say you don't want to confront her directly because she is holding you emotional hostage with the threat of "going off the deep end". I don't know if she's that unstable / flammable, or if you're that conflict-adverse -- or both. But you can't make that a factor. You have to do what is right for you and for her and if she can't handle that the chips will have to fall where they may. As for the 5 year old, nothing says you have to "end up with her". There are agencies that can intervene and provide foster care and you can still be involved in her life, if you're unable to take her on. You aren't morally obligated to take on all the drama in everyone's life unto the 7th generation. If you can and want to, fine, but don't make a false choice out of it.

In the long run, if you do the right thing, then no matter what the short-term drama / fallout, it will be best in the long run for all concerned. Sure you want to see any 5 year old have a stable happy home life but do you seriously thing she's got it now? Even a half-assed home life in foster care would probably be an improvement over being the daughter of an irresponsible child-mom. But we're ahead of the question -- your step daughter may in fact not fly apart. Don't base decisions on worst-case scenarios.

--Bob

[freddy]

Thanks SonoranBob, for you ideas. She grew up mostly telling false stories. So over the years. I have had a hard time trying to know what really is true, when she talks. The relationship has been rocky at best in the early years and now I feel like I am being used at times. I think I enable to a point. Not sure how to break that habit. The guilt of not helping money wise, when I can afford it. But I always see her spending money like it grows on trees, and I always saved it for the raining days. That alway come.
Does she feel entitled? At times I think she does.
Does she feel grateful? Not sure, she is very good at acting. you know the tears come at will, making me feel like a heel for not helping her out of her problems.
She is very bright, going to medical school making A and B's she does get depressed at times but that could be an act. I never really know.
Thanks again. Freddy

[Nikaia]

She's in med school, yet she has a five-year-old and a drug habit? "Bright" is not just an academic measure, and by the things you've said I'd hardly classify her as bright. It sounds to me as though she's using you, keeping you emotionally hostage. I second Sonoran's ideas about not giving her cash for expenses - have her send you bills that you're willing to pay, and start setting limits for yourself about how much you're willing to spend on bailing her out - $100 a month? $200 a month? More, less? And don't waver on that. She needs to learn to care for herself, or at least make a token effort. Or, I hate doing this because it's been done to me before, but perhaps place a couple of gentle conditions on bail-outs. You'll give her money to fix her car, but not until she's sat down with you and worked out a budget for her monthly paycheck, and it's the last time you'll bail her out until she's proven for X number of months that she can stick reasonably close to the budget.

I wish you luck - it's sad that the child is stuck in the middle of this.