I Can't Take It In (The Fear)

[Joely]

If there's one thing that's true of me, I really, really hold on to my pain. Hold on to it for dear life at times, even in the face of overwhelming healing. In fact, I realised tonight, I want my pain. It's like a safe, warm security blanket to keep me warm and away from... whatever might be out there to get me.

Since we started releasing the podcasts, I've been very depressed. I've had some good days, some positive moments, but I've felt really low overall. You'd think I'd be happy and smiling and positive: wow, it's actually happening for me! No, thanks to some really dark thinking on my part, I felt really awful. I'd learnt, when I was very young and then all the way through my teens that my success came at the cost of other people's pain. It was an almost daily reminder. So, in order to carry on doing the only thing that gave meaning to my life, I learned how to make myself suffer constantly. Every good grade, every happy moment, was met with depression and misery. Self-hatred is something I've struggled with all my life, and it's really difficult to convey how much it's dogged me, unless I show you the scars and talk about the times I've thwarted my one true love and purpose, because I have a tendency to be slightly flippant and laugh at myself when I'm not actually feeling it. When I am feeling it, it's the end of the world, pretty much, and I tear myself to shreds.

I spent this afternoon thinking about why I want my pain. It's a shield. I wrap myself up in it whenever something happens that's good or happy or unpredictable. When I was growing up, there wasn't any happiness, or very little, and any happiness I felt I also felt guilty for, so I run from anything this big, this magnificent as what's happening to me now.

It's ironic, really. I write fantasy fiction. I write stories about people who rise to the occasion when they have nothing left, people who have experienced the kind of terror and horror in their lives that I can barely imagine, and yet still manage to face the next day without collapsing in a ball of misery. Compared to my characters, I feel pretty weak. Of course, it's not that they don't feel it; as Yaxha says in the book I'm about to finish, "Bravery isn't something you feel, it's something you do."

I've been shielding myself from the whole of it, the good and the bad. I've never been in this place before, this tentative, tenuous space where I've got no idea what's coming next and yet this is it, this is the dream unfolding. I grew up being told it was impossible for dreams to come true, and since we tend to try to force reality to fit what our minds think is true (which never works, by the way), I've felt desperate at every positive comment, every encouragement. The cries for the published books to be available scare the hell out of me. Because that would be the dream come true. That would be real and huge and ... I feel like I'd probably explode in some unsightly manner at the event.

It's frightening, terrifying, and at the same time it's glorious. And that's why I've wanted my pain. If I keep my pain around me, I can shut out both the fear and the glory, because I'm so terrified it's all going to burst around me like a soap bubble, and that I'll wake up tomorrow having imagined it all. I've shut my heart off to it because it's just so huge, so massive I can't really comprehend what's happening. I never imagined I'd even get this far, let alone anywhere further down the line.

This evening, after a long talk with a friend and a long read of a book by Byron Katie, I put on The Charge of the Pelennor Fields from Lord of the Rings, and reminded myself a little bit about courage and honour, and what I'm trying to say about fear and hope in my own world. I feel better. I'm still terrified, but I'm not shielding myself so hard from this unfolding. I have a tentative grasp on this as being real, not some gargantuan trick being played by the universe.

Thank you to Tim for the Stumble. The podcasts can be found at our website. I believe we should have a better website up soon now that we finally have our own server up and operational.

Somebody put up a thread today asking why people carry on living unfulfilled lives, ignoring or dismissing self-help. The answer is from my perspective because really living that life actually takes far more effort, commitment, and courage than just thrumming along making ends meet. But you have to choose, and this is what I chose to do. Really, there isn't any alternative.

(My song for the moment is Imogen Heap's "Can't Take It In")

[Jonathan Mead]

Wow Joely, I bet it wasn't easy to be that honest and open. I admire you for having the courage and strength to even admit to those dark and terrible feelings. At least you can be honest though, a lot of other people are still stuck in denial. I think you need to realize forgiveness for yourself. It's not fair how many times we punish ourselves each day. We punish ourselves for the same thing over and over. But is that fair? Is the justice? Other animals make a mistake and they are punished for it once. But we have a great memory. We remember our mistakes and failures, our pain and we find ourselves guilty over and over. That is not justice. Justice is paying for your mistake and finding forgiveness within your heart.

If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always message me.

[Tim Brownson]

JM is on the money there imho. If you can Joely try and get a recording of Don Miguel Ruiz's 'The Four Agreements' it could really help you at the moment. If you can't buy it in the UK let me know and I'll burn you a copy.

[Joely]

Thank you both of you for your supportive comments. It means a great deal to me. I am working hard to release and let go of the past and move on into the future - even if happiness is a terrifying prospect!

[Jonathan Mead]

I think you're on the right path Joely, I agree with Tim's recommendation of the Four Agreements. The Voice of Knowledge is also another great book by Don Miguel Ruiz.

Let me know if you need anything. =)

[Joely]

Thank you very much to both of you. This has turned out to be a period when I learn a hell of a lot about myself, if nothing else.

I had a chat with a good friend of mine last night and he said: "You know what, you need to come out of the closet." He's gay, you see, and he said he went through the same things as I'm going through because he didn't accept himself as gay. His family are Catholic so he had the same treatment for being gay as I get from my mother for being a writer. So I've rejected being a writer, and rejected a huge part of myself and what I do as a result. It's no wonder I struggle so much.

It'll sound odd to say that I deny that I'm a writer - what I do by telling everybody is trying to make it true by making it true outside myself. Yet inside, I'm still in denial about it. I hope that if I say it enough, if I convince enough people, I'll believe it myself, but I don't. I don't believe I'm capable of writing what I've written, or that I'm capable of what's already happened. I keep waiting for the bubble to burst, to wake up and realise it was all a dream.

That, I guess, is what I have to work on next.

J x

P.S. On a positive note, I just finished my first academic piece for the research company I've signed up to. I should make £45 from it, plus a bonus if I receive a high feedback score. It's the first money I've ever made as a writer. Of course, it's not what I really want, yet, but it's a start.

[Jonathan Mead]

Joely, I agree with your friend. It's crucial that we accept ourselves completely for who we are and where we are at now. If we don't accept ourselves, we can't expect anyone else to. We're searching for an external approval when what we really need is approval from ourselves.

That's awesome that you got a paying job writing! I've found that I've had to work doing things in a field that I'm not necessarilly thrilled about, but are moving me to getting closer to doing what I want. That's a big step in the right direction. =)

[uberinquisitive]

Joely, I'm also a writer. And, there is something about being an artist that really stabs at the darkest part of us.

Have you tried EFT? It has helped me tremendously - just a year ago, I was very unsure about being a writer. However, since using EFT, I've completed 3 short stories and a screenplay.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

Joely, I'm also a writer. And, there is something about being an artist that really stabs at the darkest part of us.

Have you tried EFT? It has helped me tremendously - just a year ago, I was very unsure about being a writer. However, since using EFT, I've completed 3 short stories and a screenplay.

Hi Uber,

It's lovely to meet another writer. I use the Sedona Method, which I understand is very similar to EFT, although I'll look into it. Well done on finishing the stories.

What's really weird is that it's not starting writing I have a problem with - I'm on the brink of finishing my thirteenth book, agents and publishers are raving over it at the moment, but I'm in total denial about the fact that I've written the books, or that they're any good. I have issues with success as a writer, I suppose.

Anyway, I'm working hard on it and I see finishing the research piece as an important step in moving from seeing writing as a delightful hobby to something that can actually be my career.

J x

[dancer]

Joley, congratulations on the success of your books and for being aware of hanging on to your pain. Now you aware of this and your fear of coming out as a writer, you are closer to releasing it.

A few months ago, I would never have understood that it is possible to find comfort in holding onto pain. Infact, I recall reading somewhere on this forum, someone was enjoying their pain. I thought it was outrageous, but when I look back at my own painful periods, I admit I felt a warped type of security in my suffering. It had become my identity.

I admire you for overcoming anorexia and am confident that you have the courage and life skills to conquer your fears.

Love & hugs

[uberinquisitive]

I am developing a theory that writers must be some of the most egotistical people on earth!

As writers, we spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, observing, feeling. This is what makes us talented. However, it also causes us to be filled with neuroses. We start to identify with the label "writer" and "artist" and then our ego gets all wrapped up in this idea that it's "who we are".

But, isn't who are much more simple and yet much more deeper? Being a writer is one of the things we "do" and one of the roles we play, but is it really "us"?

My mother also used to disapprove of my wanting to be a writer. I remember, as a teenager, telling her I wanted to be an artist. She told me, "Lots of doctors and lawyers are artists as hobbies." This caused me a lot of pain.

However, looking at it right now...I see that both she and I were wrong. We were talking in labels - doctor, lawyer, writer. Such a limiting way to think.

I may not make total sense, because I'm coming to this realization in the past 2 or 3 days...but I wonder, what if we stopped labeling ourselves as writers and artists? What if, instead, we just allowed ourselves to be "ourselves"? Just human beings, souls? And instead of seeing writing as a means to gain happiness, or to gain an identity, or to be successful...what if we saw writing as one of the many activities we enjoying doing in the Now, and then when we put it away, we enjoy doing whatever other activity we are doing in the Now?

No expectations. No burdens. No using writing as a way to rehash a painful past. No using writing as a way to project our future needs and wants. Instead, just enjoy it when it's happening, and that's it. When it's not happening, it's as if we've forgotten it exists. Until we do it again.

For me, I'm starting to see why scheduling is such a good idea. Maybe put aside an hour or two everyday, where I write, or do business-like things with my completed projects. But as soon as that allotted time is over, I stop obsessing about the writing, and move onto another activity. And then, I focus on that activity. So, I use my thinking mind only when I need to. (I admit, this is hard for me to accept - I consider myself a talented writer because I obsess and analyze and rehash. How will I have raw material if I don't spend my time marinating in my neuroses? Still gotta work this out...)

In the meantime, drop any labels: writer, woman, daughter, sister, etc.. And instead learn how to identify with my soul, which is your soul and everyone's soul.

Does this make sense?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by uberinquisitive

I am developing a theory that writers must be some of the most egotistical people on earth!

As writers, we spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, observing, feeling. This is what makes us talented. However, it also causes us to be filled with neuroses. We start to identify with the label "writer" and "artist" and then our ego gets all wrapped up in this idea that it's "who we are".

But, isn't who are much more simple and yet much more deeper? Being a writer is one of the things we "do" and one of the roles we play, but is it really "us"?

My mother also used to disapprove of my wanting to be a writer. I remember, as a teenager, telling her I wanted to be an artist. She told me, "Lots of doctors and lawyers are artists as hobbies." This caused me a lot of pain.

However, looking at it right now...I see that both she and I were wrong. We were talking in labels - doctor, lawyer, writer. Such a limiting way to think.

I may not make total sense, because I'm coming to this realization in the past 2 or 3 days...but I wonder, what if we stopped labeling ourselves as writers and artists? What if, instead, we just allowed ourselves to be "ourselves"? Just human beings, souls? And instead of seeing writing as a means to gain happiness, or to gain an identity, or to be successful...what if we saw writing as one of the many activities we enjoying doing in the Now, and then when we put it away, we enjoy doing whatever other activity we are doing in the Now?

No expectations. No burdens. No using writing as a way to rehash a painful past. No using writing as a way to project our future needs and wants. Instead, just enjoy it when it's happening, and that's it. When it's not happening, it's as if we've forgotten it exists. Until we do it again.

For me, I'm starting to see why scheduling is such a good idea. Maybe put aside an hour or two everyday, where I write, or do business-like things with my completed projects. But as soon as that allotted time is over, I stop obsessing about the writing, and move onto another activity. And then, I focus on that activity. So, I use my thinking mind only when I need to. (I admit, this is hard for me to accept - I consider myself a talented writer because I obsess and analyze and rehash. How will I have raw material if I don't spend my time marinating in my neuroses? Still gotta work this out...)

In the meantime, drop any labels: writer, woman, daughter, sister, etc.. And instead learn how to identify with my soul, which is your soul and everyone's soul.

Does this make sense?

I see what you mean but I'm not thinking of it in the sense of a label to which I hook my identity. In denying that I'm a writer, I've refused to accept payment for my work, I've struggled with the idea of being published, of actually making it my career. I deny the thing that brings joy into my life, that makes me happy and is a talent which I could use to benefit the world. Instead I've condemned myself to living a half-life where I do other jobs and try to avoid using my talent as much as I possibly can. That's what my friend means when he says I need to come out of the closet as a writer.

When I was growing up, and all the way up until the point when I stopped talking to her, writing was a forbidden thing. I was allowed to write, but I wasn't allowed to consider it worthy of being a career or something I could ever do professionally. I don't think of being a writer as part of my identity but in terms of denying a gift that I have for the sake of somebody else who doesn't like it because she wanted to do it but didn't have the ability. I don't consider myself to be an artist or to have any labels whatsoever, but in denying that I'm a writer, and trying to run from it, I also run from something that is a very important part of my life and something I know I should be doing.

I'm sorry if I come off as boasting when I say how many books I've written. I didn't mean it to sound like that. I was trying to explain that what I've been left with is the feeling that it's wrong or bad for me to be a writer, so I deny it in the same way my friend once denied his sexuality. I write because I love it, but at the same time I've ended up hating myself for it because some of the people who brought me up don't like it. Accepting myself as a writer is about accepting that I can do this for a living, that my goals aren't bad or wrong, and that I'm not being selfish or hurting others by making a career out of the thing that brings me most joy.

You see, I love writing. I haven't written the amount I've written because I'm big-headed or think I'm oh-so special. I love the act of writing itself. I love the world I'm writing about. I don't notice that I do twelve hour days because I want to get through a certain set of chapters - they're describing a world I love, people I adore that have been in my head for so many years. When people ask why I write I say I do it for the same reason that they breathe. It's a passion for me, not an obsession. I've been blessed with a massive world, with a huge story to tell, which I've been working on at the same time as working for the last few years. My only problem with writing is that I get so tired that I can't do more and faster. It's all about, for me, getting this huge thing out of my head and onto the page. I hope that makes sense.