What to do when parents get in the way? or is it me? has anyone ever had this?

[Selmanito]

Does anyone have parents who have their own business and want to get you to work in it??? Any problems? how did u solve it?

I am 22. Studied in England almost all my life, then after finishing my Business and marketing degree dad told me to work for one year in his Oil field and construction company. I agreed as "it was the right thing to do".

Ive struggled and struggled with the job and its 4th month. Dad tells me everyday to try harder, but he also lets me know my productivity is zero, even tho the senior manager who i report to says i am an exceptional employee for the company (dont know how true that is either!).

All i recieve is negativity, a low salary, and continous unrealistic rules. For example, dad suddenly decieded that i cannot use the internet in my room. He says it affects my mood, and sleep patterns and stops me from working. After fighting that, i gave in, and said okay i have to be flexiable. Then, he took my computer, reason was not really given.

I told him i want to start something on my own. Since then hes hardly speaking to me. If he does, its about telling me to wake up.

I dont know how to handle this anymore. Ive been independent since i was in boarding school from age of 11 till 18, then university. Now there trying to give me limits?? and bed times? and punishments?????

They are not willing to negociate. I emailed them from a cafe, (because it stops the discussion from being a fight) but i got a reply telling me i shouldnt bother because i am wasting my time as he wont read it.

As a last resort i called my mum. I was simply told in conclusion, that they shouldnt have let me go "wild" and give me everything i ever wanted!!

I am still being positive that somehow something good will come. But what do i do now? Shall i go home? Sleep in my car with whatever lil amount of money i have left? or am i really the wrong one and i dont know?

[Joely]

Hi Selmanito,

Yes, I can completely sympathise with you. I'm 29, left home at 18, and my mother still thinks she has the right to dominate my life completely. What I'm going to say I need to heed as well. Your parents don't own you, you don't belong to them and you're not a slave to their whims. Your father is using similar control tactics to the ones my mother has used on me, and there's little right to it.

I know it's very scary, but could you just go out there into the world and start again? I've actually had to do this before, and I survived. You will survive, even if it means you lose your comforts for a bit. There comes a time in your life when you have to decide whether you're going to live your life for you and make what YOU want out of it, or try to make them happy and spend the rest of your life discovering that in fact nothing on earth will ever make them happy with you.

I know that's very strong, but I have a lot of sympathy for you. I've been going through many of the same issues myself recently.

J x

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Selmanito, if I were you I would try to get out on my own. Certainly after going to boarding school and getting a Business and Marketing Degree you have many marketable skills and the ability to take care of yourself. Your parents only have so much power over you as you give them.

Joely is right, no matter what you do someone can find fault in it, many times it's your parents sadly. I believe you will feel better inside yourself if you move out and take care of yourself and follow your own passions and goals. Many parents will come around once they see that you can handle things for yourself. If not, you will still be no worse off than you are now. You can just listen to them, say "I'll take your advice into consideration" and then do what is best for you.

[Selmanito]

Thanks Joely and AspiringtoClarity,

I guess it seems i should find a way to move out.

Libya isnt exactly an easy way to locate a job. But im starting the pain all over again. Because i told dad i dont want to work like this (9-5 jobs), and his conclusion was that i am lazy and avoid "hard work". Sometimes i start to believe that.

I am online from my dads office (secretly of course) as its night here.

hmm i need to find a way.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Selmanito

Thanks Joely and AspiringtoClarity,

I guess it seems i should find a way to move out.

Libya isnt exactly an easy way to locate a job. But im starting the pain all over again. Because i told dad i dont want to work like this (9-5 jobs), and his conclusion was that i am lazy and avoid "hard work". Sometimes i start to believe that.

I am online from my dads office (secretly of course) as its night here.

hmm i need to find a way.

Well, I don't know much about the job market in Libya for sure. But I believe you strong and smart enough to figure it out! You can do it! Give yourself a little time, start looking into your options.

And maybe you can read some of Steve's articles on this site if you haven't already. He certainly would not agree that you are lazy for not wanting to work the old 9-5. I don't think so either. He gives lots of good advice for someone who doesn't want to go the "traditional" route. I think you will be encouraged by them and maybe get some good ideas.

Good luck!

[Selmanito]

Yep theres always a way out. I know this for sure after finding steves site (which i found actually by mistake, out of severe boredom!).

I still need to figure out how i can find a way to get enough cash to maintain while working on my website ideas.
I think getting back to England will be a priority.

Still am welcoming any more insight or advice.

meanwhile il trrrry to go home :S

[m18pak]

Selmanito, this might seem harsh, but if everything that you say is true then the best thing you can do for yourself would be to leave your parents behind to live your own life. Cut off all ties with them, and never look back.

To put it bluntly, your parents will NEVER CHANGE, and they will never respect you as a person with a mind and will of your own. People never change no matter how much you might hope and wish and pray for them to. Never. They will never change because they will never even consider that they could be wrong. There is no point in hoping that they might come to treat you better one day, because they will always insist, to the end of their days, that they are always right. They will always make themselves out to be right, no matter what.

You have a right to free will, and they will never accept that, so the only thing that you can do is to accept their free will and to leave and let them be. It's your life, and you have the right to decide how to live it, even if your parents refuse to acknowledge this fact.

I know all this because this is what I did, and I can honestly say that it was the greatest decision that I ever made. It was the single best thing that I've ever done for myself, and it's bought me nothing but hope and happiness.

JUST DO IT.

[LightWork]

I very much agree with m18pak. I believe that we chose our parents before we came to this world and there was something there to learn from it. Similarly, your parents chose to experience something by conceiving/adopting/fostering you. That's all it is; experience. What do you choose to experience and gain from these relationships with your parents?

Giving you my experience, when I was 10 my parents divorced and my Dad left. Initially I saw him every week, but it turned out to be less and less (it happens, he had to move etc). My mum became a much larger influence on me day by day - but I realised I wasn't actually happy with this living arrangement at around 16. When I saw and talked to my Dad I felt great, the converse held for being with my Mum (being around her 24/7 never helps.)

Essentially, I am very much like my father and not like my mother. So, now, at 18, I'm just about to spend my first Easter holidays (I'm at uni) with my Dad for 1 week and my Mum for 4 days (though she doesn't know this.) This is VERY significant: it will be the first time I split time more towards my dad (custody of the divorce meant otherwise until I turned 18) and it's my choice. I've had alot of guilt doing this, because my Mum is less strong than my Dad and reacts violently, aggressively, etc, but I can't help her. She still has alot of **** with my Dad (but it's not repatriated) and claims I'm too much like him, so she will not open her ears to me. So it's best to minimise my time at what was 'home'. My new home is University and my new second home is my Dad's. Typing this, I still feel guilty and upset, but it's a choice I'm still excited about.

Reading what you've written, your Dad appears to act in similar ways my Mum does. I'd suggest a similar plan of action.

Turn fear into excitement - I'm not sure of the legal Lybian structure, but what's the worst that can happen? I always feel as long as I avoid credit I can always start afresh if everything I know falls through and see what happens. In a way this is what I believe our souls do throughout their infinite lives - start from rock bottom [no knowledge, no experience], and hit the top, then start again. It's exciting, and a fact of life.

I hope that helped: I understand many people may not see it in the same way I would - I've learnt a strange sense of optimism that's unusual in most people (all people of my age) I meet

[Doku]

Originally Posted by Selmanito

Yep theres always a way out. I know this for sure after finding steves site (which i found actually by mistake, out of severe boredom!).

I still need to figure out how i can find a way to get enough cash to maintain while working on my website ideas.
I think getting back to England will be a priority.

Still am welcoming any more insight or advice.

meanwhile il trrrry to go home :S

Easiest way is to call your friends from college, and ask them to help you out. From your posts, it's at least 4 months since you have graduated. Odds are that most of your college friends have jobs, and odds are that there are openings at at least one of those companies. (The good old boys network is indeed alive and well.)

That will get you some money coming in quickly, and get you out from under your parents thumb.

[mncz]

Heya, Selmanito.

I totally agree with Joely here: it is your parent's problem, not yours, and it would be best for you if you moved out of their house as soon as you can.

I did it when I was 18 and was in similar situation. Ok, I had to sleep on the floor (I could not afford either furnitured apartment or a bed) and my home was a small and quite dirty room for quite some time, and I had very little money, but I got on from it and it all worked out perfectly.

This is your life, you are free to pursue any dreams that you want to pursue. Just sometimes this freedom comes with a price tag. But it is always worth it, even if it does not seem so at the first moment.

[makessense]

Originally Posted by m18pak

Selmanito, this might seem harsh, but if everything that you say is true then the best thing you can do for yourself would be to leave your parents behind to live your own life. Cut off all ties with them, and never look back.

To put it bluntly, your parents will NEVER CHANGE, and they will never respect you as a person with a mind and will of your own. People never change no matter how much you might hope and wish and pray for them to. Never. They will never change because they will never even consider that they could be wrong. There is no point in hoping that they might come to treat you better one day, because they will always insist, to the end of their days, that they are always right. They will always make themselves out to be right, no matter what.

You have a right to free will, and they will never accept that, so the only thing that you can do is to accept their free will and to leave and let them be. It's your life, and you have the right to decide how to live it, even if your parents refuse to acknowledge this fact.

I know all this because this is what I did, and I can honestly say that it was the greatest decision that I ever made. It was the single best thing that I've ever done for myself, and it's bought me nothing but hope and happiness.

JUST DO IT.

"Just do it" is horrible advice if you don't have a sound plan. When you do have a plan, then take action!

Learn to accept your parents and learn to accept responsibility for ALL your actions. Stop blaming others for your insignificance and do what you want to do for yourself! THEY WILL respect you once you make a life of your own, but who knows? It's a case by case basis and it is you who can decide that, not anyone here. You don't have to cut all ties with your parents because that is just ridiculous. You're making them out to be the bad guys, but all you have to do is see that IT IS YOU who put yourself there. It is you who agreed to all the terms and didn't stand up for yourself. This is reality. Stop focusing on the fact that it is THEM who is hindering you, when in fact, it is YOU.

[carolove]

Originally Posted by makessense

"Just do it" is horrible advice if you don't have a sound plan. When you do have a plan, then take action!

Learn to accept your parents and learn to accept responsibility for ALL your actions. Stop blaming others for your insignificance and do what you want to do for yourself! THEY WILL respect you once you make a life of your own, but who knows? It's a case by case basis and it is you who can decide that, not anyone here. You don't have to cut all ties with your parents because that is just ridiculous. You're making them out to be the bad guys, but all you have to do is see that IT IS YOU who put yourself there. It is you who agreed to all the terms and didn't stand up for yourself. This is reality. Stop focusing on the fact that it is THEM who is hindering you, when in fact, it is YOU.

Selmanito
My heart is with you, and your parents..
They have given you what they have learned and now it is different from what you want to learn.
I went through the same thing with my parents, and their criticism inspired me to move out when I was 18. I found a job and shared an apartment with friends. I moved back, for just 6 months, and their well-meaning criticism inspired me to move out again, and I promised myself, never to move back home. I have been on my own ever since.
As time went on I was able to reconnect with them as I accepted them for who they are, and able to appreciate the determination they gave me to be my own person.
I was able to appreciate what I learned from them as I let go of their lifestyle and created my own. There was a lot of criticism on their part as they looked at things differently than I did and that is the gap that we have with ourselves and our parents.

So what is happening with you now? The contrast with your parents is changing the comfort zone you have had. Now you are feeling the determination to go the direction you want. This contrast is telling you to go your own way. The gift, that your parents are giving you now, is bringing up the feelings that you are not comfortable living under their terms. They mean well, as they are teaching you what they have learned themselves. Try not to take it personally, they are your parents..and it is their way of thinking that if you were a certain way for them, then they would feel better and you think that if they were different, then you would feel better.

Now you want to listen to your Inner Child/Self/Voice, (whatever you chose to call it) and it is telling you that your parents way is not matching your way. Their way is not wrong..but it is not right for you..

You are a good person, I can feel the energy in your posting. You are a very bright person. I admire your courage, and I can see that your potential to do well is extremely high.

Believe in yourself and thank your parents lovingly, for what they have provided for you, and move on to your freedom, and find what you want for yourself. When you look back, you will be glad that they pushed you forward.
Write a script of what you want to create for yourself, in the present tense. Visualize yourself already there. Feel the GOOD feeling of being on your own with yourself or friends.

Hang in there..cause the Best is yet to come!!!

I am 54 years old now and I am thankful for all I had to learn through my parents. Even their criticism taught me so much about the courage I had and inspired me to move fast to be my own person.

I wish you well, as I know you will do well everywhere you go.

And as {aspiring_to_clarity} said “Your parents only have so much power over you as you give them.”
Now is the time to Empower Yourself. This is the perfect time to do it…

Any help on scripting can be found here if you wish. It helped me.
http://whatanicewebsite.com/Connee/Scripting.htm

Enjoy ~ In Joy ~ In Peace
carolove

[makessense]

Originally Posted by carolove

Selmanito
My heart is with you, and your parents..
They have given you what they have learned and now it is different from what you want to learn.
I went through the same thing with my parents, and their criticism inspired me to move out when I was 18. I found a job and shared an apartment with friends. I moved back, for just 6 months, and their well-meaning criticism inspired me to move out again, and I promised myself, never to move back home. I have been on my own ever since.
As time went on I was able to reconnect with them as I accepted them for who they are, and able to appreciate the determination they gave me to be my own person.
I was able to appreciate what I learned from them as I let go of their lifestyle and created my own. There was a lot of criticism on their part as they looked at things differently than I did and that is the gap that we have with ourselves and our parents.

So what is happening with you now? The contrast with your parents is changing the comfort zone you have had. Now you are feeling the determination to go the direction you want. This contrast is telling you to go your own way. The gift, that your parents are giving you now, is bringing up the feelings that you are not comfortable living under their terms. They mean well, as they are teaching you what they have learned themselves. Try not to take it personally, they are your parents..and it is their way of thinking that if you were a certain way for them, then they would feel better and you think that if they were different, then you would feel better.

Now you want to listen to your Inner Child/Self/Voice, (whatever you chose to call it) and it is telling you that your parents way is not matching your way. Their way is not wrong..but it is not right for you..

You are a good person, I can feel the energy in your posting. You are a very bright person. I admire your courage, and I can see that your potential to do well is extremely high.

Believe in yourself and thank your parents lovingly, for what they have provided for you, and move on to your freedom, and find what you want for yourself. When you look back, you will be glad that they pushed you forward.
Write a script of what you want to create for yourself, in the present tense. Visualize yourself already there. Feel the GOOD feeling of being on your own with yourself or friends.

Hang in there..cause the Best is yet to come!!!

I am 54 years old now and I am thankful for all I had to learn through my parents. Even their criticism taught me so much about the courage I had and inspired me to move fast to be my own person.

I wish you well, as I know you will do well everywhere you go.

And as {aspiring_to_clarity} said “Your parents only have so much power over you as you give them.”
Now is the time to Empower Yourself. This is the perfect time to do it…

Any help on scripting can be found here if you wish. It helped me.
[URL="http://whatanicewebsite.com/Connee/Scripting.htm[/URL]

Enjoy ~ In Joy ~ In Peace
carolove

"I am NOW more Peaced ON than Peaced off"

Great words, carol. Thank you. I'm actually riding in the same boat as you. I moved out for 2 years and moved back home for 6 months. Now, I am leaving to Japan for a year starting my English teaching job in a few weeks. I will learn even more about myself and the people who have made the most impact on me.

It is only until I removed myself from my environment that I began to see how I was truly influenced.

[carolove]

Hi makessense

Hope things go great in your teaching job in Japan...

Life over there will be exciting, learning another way of living..

WOW!! Have fun with it..!!

Enjoy ~ In Joy ~ In Peace
carolove

[Selmanito]

Thanks so much carolove and everyone else who shared thier thoughts in something i am struggling very much.

It is so painful to hurt my parents i have to say. I feel so bad to be angry towards them in anyway. After all, they are my parents, and i clearly see they mean well, but it seems like my communication can never get through to them. In a way, it is kind of very scarey, and overwhelming, like how can this even be?

Thing is, my dad even says, i can move out, and he will pay for the expenses!! That is what kills me. And i think, i have to make this work, how can i "give up" on my parents, when they never did on me?

I know it is very emotional thinking, i mean, maybe some of it is not called for, and only makes things worse. But still..

Anyway, right now i have made a comprise and let them give their rules on me, and il follow them, whilst i do my own thing. I have to, because i really do own them that much. I would never want my own child to just give up on me just because of a stupid commication barrier.

This forum has given me a lot of help and insight to the person i am. Now i go to take action.

[Jennihul]

Couple points to make:

Some people have kids because they love the idea of nurturing a new life and that is that.

Some people have kids because they themselves have an agenda.

It sounds like your parents have an agenda for themselves that involves controlling what you become. It's a dysfunction, to be sure, but I wouldn't hate them for it. My mom's friend had kids, I swear to God, to help her around the house. Guess how fast they estranged from her and got out to be on their own? As fast as they could. Now she whines that her kids don't love her.

The act of pleasing your parents should end when one is about 11. Then you should begin the arduous task of becoming your own person, a little at a time. It doesn't mean you have to alienate from them completely or continue to be a drama king about it. (I always sense that any issue seems vastly more horrid and frustrating when you are 22 as opposed to 42, but that's just my opinion.) It doesn't even mean that you have to move out. Just be an adult sharing living space with your parents. You have to assert yourself not in an antagonistic way, just in a focused and direct way:

I am an adult. Adults do not have curfews, bedtimes or internet restrictions. Living in your home should not make a difference with regard to these things. Please tell me if you find that unacceptable and I will make other arrangements. I feel that I would have a better start on my ideal life if I could stay here with you for a few more months/years but I have standards by which I intend to live and being treated as a child is not one of them.

Ultimately, success is the best revenge. Just smile, and be calm and clearly state your ideas and preferences. The thing about parents is they have our best interest at heart and often DO know what they are talking about. So, there must be a happy medium where you can divest them of their vast, worldly knowledge, their general support but at the same time be the adult that you are.

Unless they are just psychotic.

If you appear to be floundering and taking paths that will lead surely to peril, their parental survival instincts kick in and they start to control your life for you. If, however, you have absolutely clear and strong plans, and plans to actually acheive those plans, they relax. Be sure you aren't appearing to flounder. And I am not kidding about the drama king stuff. Nothing panics a parent like an emotionally out of control kid.


Jennifer