resistance and insecurity

[madgeylou]

hi everyone,

i'm writing because i'm feeling kind of flummoxed by a problem i have had for years and am hoping someone has some advice or input that will help me think about it in a different way.

i love to sing. and, not to be immodest, but i am a pretty awesome singer. about 10 years ago i picked up the guitar so i could write songs, which i also love to do.

i love performing, and i love practicing even, but i rarely do it as much as i would like to. i feel such a weird resistance when i think about playing -- it's like i simultaneously crave it and dread it.

i think some of it comes from a lack of self-confidence. i believe my singing and songwriting is pretty great, but my guitar playing? eh. pretty basic. and i lack the motivation to get really good at it, because i dont care so much about guitar.

my ideal scenario would be to be involved with a band. i love the collaboration and part-of-a-gang feeling. i have been in bands before, and had some small degree of success with them (playing out a lot, releasing cds, etc). but i disliked the fact that i always seemed to have to be the leader -- i got sick of everything being on my shoulders. i would much rather be in a band where there are a few leaders, and everyone shares the work of writing, arranging, booking gigs, promotion, and tying up whatever loose ends come unraveled.

so ... now i find myself in a position where i am pretty insecure about playing out on my own, but i dont have a band. at the same time, i am seriously craving being out on stage again -- it's been far too long.

in happier news, i am writing songs again after an almost 2 year hiatus when i was in love with a musician who didnt think much of my music. i sort of let his opinion spill over into mine, and am more insecure about my music than ever at this point.

i guess i just feel overwhelmed by this now -- both the emotional aspects and the logistical aspects. i'm not sure what my next step should be. how do i battle the resistance so that i can train up to the point where i feel good about my music again, so i can attract other musicians to me? any war stories or words of wisdom for me?

thanks
madge

[wolfgang]

Why not hang out at an open mike night as an observer to start with? That might allow you to see that there are people at the karoke level getting on stage and you'll feel you are good enough to hit the stage on your own. Or you could meet a guitar player that wouldn't mind backing you up with your songs - just give him/her a chord chart and see how it goes.

I used to play bass in a band and the lead singer songwriter was also the band leader. I think that's pretty typical that the songwriter and lead singer will also be the band leader. He was also our manager, getting gigs. I got tired of staying up 'till 3 am being our own roadies and then drinking tons of coffee at my day job to function. Curiously all the other band members are playing in bands on their own at different levels. One plays out regularly with originals, another regular cover band, the other stuck in endless practice mode with covers and some originals. And me, now I just hang out with some friends that play and sing in our own private jams that we have visitors once and a while, but mostly we entertain ourselves and record some. It's nice because we aren't all pressured about wanting to be really good and we just play more than practice so it stays fresh, sort of. Every once and a while I wish we would go on stage. It's more like a bunch of friends jamming and making noise and letting it hang out, not worrying about mistakes. I imagine it's sort of a training ground for me because I wish to put some of my songs on stage someday. Sometimes it's more the people you are playing with and how you get along more than how technically good they are - as long as they now how to contribute to it sounding good.

[Michelle]

If your resistance appears due to true lack of ability in an important area of your performing, it is something to be taken very seriously. You can be grateful to that part of you which says "Woah! Wait! Let's really learn how to do this right, before we do jump in the deep end".

Why not get some lessons to improve in the area where you feel insecure? This will do great things for your confidence (I speak from experience). If you find that your insecurities arise from other issues than lack of skill, it may be wise to seek professional guidance in the form of psychoanalysis or therapy. Resistance can have many causes, some of which may stem from further in the past than you may be aware.

Also, try imagining your dream scenario, then what the next baby step in that direction could be. For example, you say you want to be on stage more, maybe with a band, etc. Why not:

a) Plan and work toward 1-3 gigs at first, instead of feeling like you have to perform every night? You can increase gradually as you feel more confident.
b) Use Intention Manifestation and have the Universe bring a band into your life which suits you?

[AndyMartin]

On the other hand, it could just be plain old ego drag. Sometimes ego just obstructs us from whatever brings us joy, probably because joy is the natural state of the spirit, and ego resists spirit. Who doesn't want to practice? There is a part of you that does and a part of you that doesn't, and this fragmentation leaves you at a standstill, unable to take total action one way or the other. Meaning, if you practice part of you will still want not to practice; if you don't practice part of you will feel guilt for not practicing. Neither is complete action. So ask yourself, who wants and who doesn't want? Then ask who doesn't want, what it does want. The answer will probably be "nothing." It might come out as "watch TV" or something like that, but it will probably be some form of nothing. You can be sure this is your ego. Say hello. Ask if it dislikes practice. Ask if it could enjoy practice. Ask if it would enjoy refining skill. Keep asking it questions--each question will release a little bit of the drag until you're light enough to practice. Then practice in full presence of the present moment, with no thought for past or future.

[madgeylou]

thanks so much for your responses.

i ended up going out to an open mike last night just to observe, but got talked into playing and it went really well. i met a few people to possibly play with in the future, too.

i've decided: less thinking, more doing.

[lcvday]

Hi madgeylou,

After reading your post I realized that I struggle with much of the same dreading/desiring feeling with my own talent. What I have found is that most of this is due to two things:

1) You may be mentally messing this up for yourself. I feel that self-esteem is a big issue with talent. If our esteem is down, the nasty voices in our heads that tell us we are bad, untalented, worthless, a joke, etc and this can really make practicing no fun at all. My solution to the nasty voice was to name it (the april voice is my nasty mental voice name). It helps to name it after something negative (in my case a very awful friend who actually said things that my mind would never have tried). Then once named, really work on eradicating it from your practice sessions. Invision it as a person and shut the door (literally) on it, or just tell it to leave.
If you don't have a nasty mental voice (and are wondering what this crazy person is talking about) then just work on really beefing up your self-esteem. When you start singing and hear it sound really good then tell yourself that. Say "Damn I am so awesome!" or "It makes me so happy that I can sing so well!" I don't care how corney or silly it seems, if you are good at singing then you need to tell yourself that, over and over, until it is not just something you KNOW about yourself, it is something you ARE.
2) I just got finished reading Steve's blogs about self-dicipline and also personal productivity. It might help to read these and define your goals in relation to singing. Do you want to sing for a living or just for fun? Do you want to sing every night or just once a month? Also the personal productivity blogs are really great for realizing how much time you are actually practicing vs. how much time you are holding the guitar in the practicing room hanging out. I realize that most of the time I spend in my sewing room I am not actually sewing or quilting. Most of the time I am psyching myself out metally and when I leave the room it is usually feeling depressed that I suck and not happy at some new project I am working on. In order to be talented we need to work on our talent, not waste our time thinking about it. When I start thinking about sewing or quilting and I dread it, I mentally close the door on that feeling. When you think about guitar playing your focus shouldn't be on how medoicre you feel you might be, but on how good you are getting.

I know I talked mostly about mental stuff and thinking, but I do believe that most of this stuff that holds us back is in our heads.
Cheers,
lcvday

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by madgeylou

thanks so much for your responses.

i ended up going out to an open mike last night just to observe, but got talked into playing and it went really well. i met a few people to possibly play with in the future, too.

i've decided: less thinking, more doing.

awesome!

[Andrew Brunelle]

What? Music? Get out there and do it, look for an opportunity to pursue your deam and go after it. If this is what you're truly passionate about, don't be insecure, be confident. It's easier said than done, but with a little practice, you can be successful doing what you love.

[songwriter]

Well, I'm in a similar situation. The music thing is even more complicate than PD, LOA, etc... Well....

My dream was always to be in a band. First I tried with my friends, but they didn't have so much interest as me. Then I checked local bands, and they're all punk bands... I wouldn't fit at all. And then about band ads, etc... but they seems to be "stuck" in one music style, call it punk-rock, power-pop, metal-trash, whatever... and I do all kinds of music... so I can only try by my own.

"You're waiting for someone to perform it, but don't you know that's is just you Hey Jude you'll do, the movement you need is on your shoulder..." Hey Jude, The Beatles.

So I've just done a pro recording with a producer, etc. I don't even know what musicians have played in the recording.

Now I'll send my demo to managers, etc... but I'm wondering that... if I like them it would be very weird.

My songs are made to be played by a band, but I'm not a band, I would have to look for musicians, or they would choose them for me... I think this is very weird indeed... :-/

[madgeylou]

Originally Posted by songwriter

My songs are made to be played by a band, but I'm not a band, I would have to look for musicians, or they would choose them for me... I think this is very weird indeed... :-/

hey songwriter -- yes that is a quandry indeed.

i've tried to meet people to play with in a variety of ways, and the one that's been most successful for me is open mikes because that way you get a sense for who the person is, what they sound like, what they're trying to accomplish, much more clearly than say online.

can you make any stripped down versions of your songs to play acoustically at open stages in your town? maybe that would help you attract others who are interested in similar musical ideas?

sometimes i think that finding someone to play music with is a lot like finding someone to date. it's not always easy, and you have to work at it, but when it clicks, it's worth it.

also, songwriter, can you record just multi-tracking yourself on different instruments? i'm learning a TON from trying to record all parts (vocals, 2 guitars, drums) to just one song.