Guilt

[Joely]

I feel nervous writing this, very nervous indeed. It's not often I share these kinds of things publicly. I think I'm just going to write about this as a form of release. I hope you don't mind and thanks for reading.

Since the podcast was released I've been in a kind of spiral. It began with feeling deeply anxious on Sunday, through to today, when I've been in what I can only describe as a vortex of self-hate. I knew, a month ago, that I would probably have a very strong reaction to the podcast, and indeed anything good to do with my writing, so I've been prepared for it to some extent.

You can see here I'm trying to be honest without sounding like I'm whining...

I grew up in a world where I walked a tightrope between success and failure. At home everything had to be perfect the first time around, or violence followed. I was first punched in the face when I was four. Academic success was seen as essential, and I did my very best to be as good as I possibly could. I swung between two parents: a violent father and a mother who berated me constantly for being too confident, too this, too that. I think by the time I got to school I spent all my time living in a cage of fear, terrified that the slightest wrong move would lead to terrible consequences. Then I was sent to a failing high school, and I was the only one there really motivated to succeed. By then I thought the only thing I had in the world was my academic success, and I was desperate to go university. My teachers told me that if I persisted in getting high grades, I deserved to be bullied. At the same time, my brother developed dyslexia, and suddenly I was completely shunned from the family because my parents were frightened that he would feel that he wasn't "good enough" because I was so successful at school.

I didn't realise until recently that I've spent a lifetime desperately trying to please everybody around me, including the idea that I have to suffer constantly for every ounce of success I experience. The guilt I feel is enormous, I'm dragging it around like a rock. While I could tolerate academic success because it was expected, every time something positive happened with my writing, I didn't just feel bad, I'd end up doing terrible things to myself. The pain, the hurt, the shame and the guilt were all too much to bear.

The last five years I've dedicated myself to healing. I had been severely depressed and anorexic most of my life when I spontaneously walked away from starvation. It was a massive step for me, because anorexia was one of the ways I felt I could succeed but still be suffering. I've read every book out there, from Sharma to Tolle to Chodron and then been to classes in Buddhism to meditate and relax. I've also been using Holosync and the Sedona Method, as well as The Work of Byron Katie to start to heal myself. It's uphill work, since a lot of the time I don't feel I even deserve to do that work. I find myself recalling how difficult it is for my brother every day (he can't read or write), and all the people who struggle to do the things I've done so easily, and I'm reminded of all the times I was told that I didn't deserve it or made to feel bad for it.

I've locked myself into a cage trying to please the whole world, even if it means I end up bankrupt. I can feel this small, frightened person inside me desperately not knowing which way to turn: if I did well I was criticised, if I failed I was criticised, whatever I did always seemed to fall short. And nothing more so than my beloved writing. I've always lived in imaginary worlds, created fantasies out of nothing. And every time something good happens, I fall apart. I remember doing CBT a while ago and reached the conclusion that there really was no arguing with that negative voice: somehow it's singled me out as different, worthy of punishment in a way nobody else is. I'm trying, very hard, to bear the pain of the world on my back and well, it's not working out.

There is a logical part of me that says all of this is a story I need to drop, that I'm not being anywhere near rational. Unfortunately, right now that's a small voice buried under a mountain of guilt and shame. I feel as though the very things that give my life purpose and meaning are the things I'm supposed to deny and reject. I'm aware it's a very twisted world view: the last year or so I seem to have split in half, with this old view and this new view hanging in the balance between each other, like two creatures on opposite sides of a chasm, staring each other down. This was the first time I went into an activity to do something with my writing (the podcasts), aware of how I react, and in a sense, wanting to see what would become of it. In the past I haven't really understood why I reacted the way I did, but this has given me an opportunity to see the things that drive me into these states. There is an Osho quote I have somewhere about the art of going into a breakdown consciously, in order to learn what causes it. I suppose in some ways that's what I've done here. I knew it would be extremely tough, emotionally and mentally. Yet still I carry on going, even when I really would rather cave in and give up. I know, even at my worst, that when I release that feeling, whatever's underneath it, that it's gone.

I learn a great deal about myself reading this forum. I can see elements of myself in everybody who posts here, so I'm very grateful for that. Thank you for reading.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

All is well.

I feel like it's because you've come this far and made so much wonderful progress that this is happening. The ego and the pain body and old pain don't go quietly. In fact, when you are getting close to sloughing them off for real, they scream at you ever more increasingly in an attempt to pull you back. It sounds to me like you are remaining conscious and vigilant. You are doing so well as I see it from where I'm sitting! This is perfect because it shows you just what's left to let go of and what it will take to live a life you love. Let go of what there is to let go of. Generate the good stuff.

Keep doing what you're doing. Do the Work on your feeling that you are not worthy of doing the Work. This is the moment of truth...when all your ego and pain is fighting tooth and nail to hold onto you...and all you have to do is acknowledge it and let it go. It has no power over you!

I love you and I am continually inspired to grow by your posts. Keep going!

[Angela]

Joely, when you were little, you made a decision about yourself that sounds something like, "I am _____". My guess is that you made that decision when you were punched in the face at age 4. What do you think that decision was? What did that little 4 year old girl decide about herself?

[Joely]

There were probably two: I am worthless and I am bad. And those two decisions have pretty much ruled my life ever since. It's odd knowing, when I do a really deep meditation, that there is still a part of me in that room, in utter shock, feeling deeply confused and lost.

[Angela]

"I am worthless" and "I am bad." Those decisions, made by a four-year old girl, are running your life. Is it true? Are you worthless and bad?

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

"I am worthless" and "I am bad." Those decisions, made by a four-year old girl, are running your life. Is it true? Are you worthless and bad?

It's true that they are basically running my life. I've felt all my life as though I committed some terrible, terrible crime for which I am desperately trying to make up, not to mention punish myself further.

Oh how I wish I could honestly answer "No" to the second question. It's how I feel, deep down, in that dark empty space inside me. That absolute insistence that the answer is "Yes."

I know, what a confusing way to respond.

[Angela]

Nope, that's absolutely clear. Great work. It's true that you're worthless and bad. Now, can you absolutely know that is true? Is it possible to be sure that you're worthless and bad?

(this may be sounding familiar to you!)

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

Nope, that's absolutely clear. Great work. It's true that you're worthless and bad. Now, can you absolutely know that is true? Is it possible to be sure that you're worthless and bad?

(this may be sounding familiar to you!)

Yes it does. I often wish I could call Katie up and have her talk some sense into me!

When I think about that question I see all the people I went to school with, and how hard it was for them, and my heart just breaks for them. And for my brother. I feel horrible to say anything other than that I'm worthless. Does that make sense? I'm trying to relate a kind of honest reaction because it's not that easy to answer. I can feel a huge attachment to worthlessness and badness, it obviously has powerful meaning to me or I wouldn't be so keen to firmly hold on to it even when it starts destroying my life! Worthlessness is heavy and reassuring - it's very safe. There is a huge part of me that just wants to say "Yes!" even though I'm trying hard to come up with a "No." Heck, the lawyer inside me is even gathering evidence as we speak.

[Angela]

That's perfect, Joely. You've got all kinds of evidence that you're worthless and bad. Your deepest conviction is that you are worthless and bad. That's fine!

Being worthless and bad feels true and reassuring and safe for you, it has powerful meaning for you and you're holding on tight to it, your heart breaks for others and for their sake you must answer that yes, you are worthless and bad. It makes sense and I totally get it.

And you haven't answered my question yet: Is it possible to know that for sure? Is it a Universal Truth, a 100% certainty, that you are worthless and bad? History, God, and Simon Cowell would all agree to that? The answer may be yes or no, whatever is true for you, but I want you to answer that question specifically, please.

[Masya]

Dear J,

I often feel the way you do. I also strive to tell myself, I am an ok person. I grew up abused as well, among other things.....

I think it is just a work in process. Feeling like your not good enough and that you are a bad person. I know this feeling well. Not sure if this helps you, but I do know where you are comming from. Reading all of these posts from others actually helps alot (I find). Being shunned from parents etc. Just try to keep going. Tell yourself it is okay. Glad your going to seek help. I also went to get help a few years ago. The end result being, I still have alot of learning and growing to do. Learning to accept yourself for whom you are is a challenge. Some days will be good and others will be hard. Just keep plugging away. Try reading some good books that help you to understand yourself a little more...

Blessings to you

Masya

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's perfect, Joely. You've got all kinds of evidence that you're worthless and bad. Your deepest conviction is that you are worthless and bad. That's fine!

Being worthless and bad feels true and reassuring and safe for you, it has powerful meaning for you and you're holding on tight to it, your heart breaks for others and for their sake you must answer that yes, you are worthless and bad. It makes sense and I totally get it.

And you haven't answered my question yet: Is it possible to know that for sure? Is it a Universal Truth, a 100% certainty, that you are worthless and bad? History, God, and Simon Cowell would all agree to that? The answer may be yes or no, whatever is true for you, but I want you to answer that question specifically, please.

Whatever I may feel about it being a universal truth to me, I know there are people who know me who would not agree to that. In fact whenever I mention it my agent shouts at me. So no, it's not a universal truth known by everybody. Much as I dislike that. :S

[Angela]

Perfect. Good work. This is hard, but it will only get harder! Next:

"I am worthless and I am bad" is a thought in a four-year old child's head, and you can see that you can't really know that it's true, for sure. When you believe that thought, "I am worthless and I am bad", how do you react? Tell me everything.

[Angela]

p.s. I am here and available if you want to do this by phone. It is very powerful when you do it 'live' with a human being.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

Perfect. Good work. This is hard, but it will only get harder! Next:

"I am worthless and I am bad" is a thought in a four-year old child's head, and you can see that you can't really know that it's true, for sure. When you believe that thought, "I am worthless and I am bad", how do you react? Tell me everything.

I'll save it for the chat!

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

p.s. I am here and available if you want to do this by phone. It is very powerful when you do it 'live' with a human being.

Actually, that might be a really good idea. Should I PM you?

[astra]

You Deserve This
You deserve good things to happen to you.

Everyone else also deserves good things to happen to them. Something good does happen to everyone, they might not recognise it at the time though. Some people get more good things than others. It doesn't make you bad. It makes the world unfair.

But
You Deserve This

[MgC]

Have you heard of Dante's Inferno? His description of Hell was that it was multilayered, and progressively more cruel and horrific as you travelled to the center. BUT....and here's the good part....in order to get out of hell, you have to travel to it's center and climb up Lucifer's body to reach Heaven! Isn't that awesome!!
I have used this idea quite a few times in my life, relating situations to personal hells that I have traveled through. I also remember the man who will push a rock up a hill for eternity, always having the rock roll back down the hill as soon as he reaches the top. It seems that if I decide that it is all too much....I can't do it anymore and this is all my life will ever be, I am stuck pushing my personal boulder up a mountain.....only to have the darn thing roll back down.
I have to move through, all the way through, to the center of hell. Face all the terrifying demons (my past, my history) that haunt me and terrify me.....to find heaven, which is MYSELF! I then realize that all of those demons are illusions....I can claim them as part of myself, or I can let them go.
I have also found that there is a bottom to the pit of fear....which I had never known, and that to find the bottom you have to keep moving.
And you know, at the bottom of that pit of fear, I have found both tremendous strength and an amazing peace!
I still have some bits of hell to walk through, but I also know that the potential for growth that I will see in myself is in direct correlation to the amount of hell I will face! And you know....I just love to grow!

It will always, no matter what happens or doesn't happen, be OK!
Mg