I want to change from begin unhappy

[Roze]

Hi all!

I think I'm in need of a little advice and encouragement. Lately (actually it's been going on for several months) I haven't been feeling very happy, and I haven't been able to enjoy the things I know I love. Actually, ever since I returned to my home country after being abroad for one year (I never was happier before ^^), I have been feeling pretty down. I have tried making many changes already, like exercising, changing diet, redecorating the house, ... but overall my mood doesn't change.

These days I'm taking it really easy and I don't push myself to do too much, but it is starting to become a real problem, because I'm seriously getting behind in my studies. I think my problem is low self-discipline, but the tips on starting to work don't really help. The energy to work always only lasts some days, and it is not even satisfying. Am I too hard or too soft on myself? Should I try working on auto-pilot and try to neglect my emotions until I'm strong enough to handle them? Or deal with my emotions first until I have figure them out?

Any advice is welcome


(PS: title should be 'being' of course, couldn't change it anymore)

[z1freeride]

Hi Roze-

So you liked being abroad before you came back? Sometimes that happens to me. I'll end up in a situation for awhile where I really enjoy it and then I move/change jobs/whatever and things are different yet my expectations stay the same. Sometimes I expect the current situation to be just as fun/enjoyable as the last one. I often have to learn to let go of unrealistic expectations in order to overcome frustration or dissatisfaction. Take the current situation for what it is and let the past be the past.

Why do you feel your studies are lacking? Are they difficult or is it because you're not satisfied with being back which thus affects your studies?

[Chado2423]

Unfortunately as I am learning, you have to deal with your emotions. It apparently takes some of us more time than others to recover. (Its been taking me quite a very long to recover from a breakup. Traditional therapy also doesn't help me.) Anyway, if you don't deal with your emotions, they will resurface. Sometimes you just have to feel it all out, until its all gone. Also making changes to your lifestyle may help you. Its not necessarily true that it will or won't. But either way, emotions are always a part of the problem, but they are also a part of the solution, as I am personally discovering.

[seeker5]

Have you tried journalling? That is - writing on top of a paper "Why am I feeling unhappy", and then seeing what you come up with? Then after you list all the possible reasons, you can see which one feels the strongest - and then you can design a plan or take actions to remove the factors that is causing you to feel unhappy, so you can feel happy again.

I'd definetely suggest you deal with the emotions, not to the exlusion of everything else. I'm guessing your emotions are telling you something that you are perceiving on a subconsious level.

[Roze]

Thanks for the advice. Actually I have been trying to understand my emotions and change my expectations for a long while, but I think I'm still missing out on something.

I'm going to try to describe my situation a little more clearly. I hope it is alright if I do that on this site, because of cours it is my ... well 'life story'.^^ I am currently in my last year of university, Japanese studies and teachers course, and last year I spent one year in Japan in an exchange program. In my home country I have never been really happy and I have always felt that I was missing the point in living somehow.

When I was in secondary school (middle and high school), I had a very hard time at home, because there were some very big family problems. There was mental abuse every day in that period, like we were told every day that we were lazy, useless and unwanted (the language was a little more colorful and the voice volume was way up too^^). So when I had the chance when I was 18, I moved out and went to a university not too close to home. I know that this is "running" but it really made a big difference for me, because it was a 'safe from verbal fights' place.

But after two years because of the course program I had to go to a university in my home town (I still lived in a student room) and during that time the family problems became very bad. My father is self-employed and has a printshop at home. From when we were little, my siblings and me had to help out often, but we didn't like it because he was always shouting at us. So nobody wanted to work there anymore. Financial problems grew worse and he blamed us for the almost bankruptcy. The family was very much falling apart. My mother never said anything and was off in her own world, I never even now know what she is thinking.

My life was falling apart as well because I was very depressed in that period and had even thoughts of suicide. I started to look for help then and went to a psychologist. He could't really help me and I looked for other solutions. I discovered the book "Feeling Good: The new mood therapy". The book learned me that my thoughts create my feelings and I applied everything the book said. It was amazing how this knowledge changed my life. I felt reborn. I started enjoying life. It only became better after that and the best was last year, the year I was able to spend abroad.

But then I came back to my home country and I became unhappy again. It is not as serious as the time I was in a major depression, but it still keeps me from enjoying my life and creating the life I want. The family problems kind of 'faded' although they were never really seriously talked over without blaming and shouting.

I very much want to create a better life for myself and I know that running to a different country or city won't change much. Everytime I come back the problems are still there. I trust myself that I will never even consider suicide again and I will never again experience major depression, because I consciously decided to live until I die of old age or something like that.^^ But I still don't know with my heart that I can trust myself to make my life worthwile because right now I am not doing that. I feel that I have done more than enough introspection already and that it is time for 'doing', but whenever I get 'started' it still feels wrong somehow, and I feel that what is keeping me from being happy is still there. I know this because I stress out easily. I can work very hard, but it never gives me much satisfaction and usually it brings me only physical problems. Like for example my wrist was in surgery from overuse 4 months ago and I had to quit playing cello and doing aikido, two things that I love very much.

So I'm stuck now in doing just the necessary stuff and in the mean time trying to figure out what is keeping me back from making my life worthwile for me. I'm a little tired of being in this situation because I don't really advance, I'm going in circles on the same spot, it feels. That's why I wrote this lenghty post. I hope it's not too annoying to read and I hope somebody can advice me a viewpoint that I haven't tried yet.

Rose