I hate my life

[Chado2423]

I'm not getting enough sleep, because of Night Terrors. (My Night Terrors are about the day I went to try to apologize to my ex but she called the police on me.) I have extreme anxiety and irritibility. I hate my job. I'm so frustrated right now with my life I don't which way to go. I try affirmations but if my life stays the same what's the point?

[bellemeadows]

IMHO, you are too anxious for affirmations to work. When the night terrors are effecting you badly, and you can't sleep or you wake up after an hour in a sweat and don't go back to sleep, you need a little short-term relief from the stress.

Do you have someone you care about and who cares about you that you could stay with, or who would like to stay with you? This is a time when you need a support system.

You also need to swear off your ex, and do not call or write or have any contact whatsoever. That relationship is over for her, and you need to honor that.

Finally, you need to make yourself the number one priority in your life, if you can. I recommend you work out, hard, an hour each day. Get the valium to help relax you, and only take one each night for sleeping -- hopefully you won't need it in a couple of months. Do things that make you feel better -- see movies, work out, cook and eat great nutritious food, play soccer or football or tennis, or swim, or walk, keep a journel; do those things that make you feel even the tiniest bit better. Do not drink to excess; be careful to take care of your self, even if you don't feel like it.

Get some books on help with abandonment, and love obsession; books that might help you be compassionate towards yourself in this painful time.

There is nothing wrong with you, and your feelings are not that unusual. You are hurting badly; and you need to take care of yourself through this, love yourself and support yourself through this.

I'll keep you in my prayers -- Many blessings from Belle

[zeroone]

What else have you tried to do about it? (Besides complaining. I kid, I kid).

For anxiety and irritibility: Have you tried meditation? Start by stretching, then sit down and focus on your breathing, don't hold on to any thoughts, just let them go. Just feel your natural breathing. (Start of somewhere quite, or outdoors like a nature-y place).

About your job: look for a new one, or if you believe you can, make your own business.

Don't just try affirmations; take action!

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by zeroone

Don't just try affirmations; take action!

I've been looking for a new job, but nothing has come up. But I also hatye living with my parents. I hate not being with my ex. I just completely hate everything about my life right now, and I have no idea what to do! You say to take action... the only unfortunate thing is, I took action, but apparently even the actions I take now end up making matters worse for me, instead of better? Take action? Yeah, but what actions are the right actions to take? How do you know what are the right actions to take? (e.g. one would think that apologizing to someone you've hurt would be a good thing, and bring out a favorable result. Unfortunately it was the opposite reaction from what I had thought was going to happen.) (Moving in with my parents, not helping me either, but I thought it would have helped; because I thought they'd be more understanding than they were.)

[Terumoto]

There's no reason for you to go on living. If you hate your life, it's always within your power to end it. You're free to do so as you wish.

Life doesn't get better automatically. If you hate everything around you, you're gonna hate your life, and you're gonna keep hating it until you don't hate it.

So you can die, you can bear with it until you die, or you can enjoy life while you're alive. It's all fine.

[Revolution]

Chad,
You need to be more calculating in your endeavors.
Why for instance did you decide to JUST pay your girlfriend with a visit?
What were you thinking?
Shouldn't you have softend the ice a bit with a text message/email/letter/phone call etc first before running over to visit unannounced?
It's as if you were subconsciously wanting things to hit the fan.

Sometimes it all just gets too much and things start to get on top of you.
Like a vicious cycle - things don't go well - then you think/feel badly or negatively - which causes events to go even worse - and then you *choose* to feel/think even more negatively - which causes things to get worse again - and then what do you chose? See the negative cycle here?

Remember, the law of attraction basically states that if you keep thinking "oh this sucks", "my life is crap", "why?", where did I go wrong etc etc. then life will grant you those wishes my friend.

As for affirmations, - they take time and persistence. So when you start with affirmation like "I am loved" or "I am happy" then everything that keeps you from being happy or loved just seems to fly in your face (or does it?)

You see, what is actually happening is that your current life is not vibrating at that level and so when you do your affirmations you change your vibration in your mind - but things in your life are still not in accordance this new vibration - so there seems like a massive contrast and you REALLY notice it.
Well, that is actually good, because it shows you where you are going wrong.

So, to clarify my point, if you notice that with affirmations things only seem to stay the same or get worse - don't give up - just change the things that are not "right" in you life.
Affirmations are (at first at least) very much like a filter that shows the contrasting elements in your life - more clearly than before.

I'm sure you (or others) are not at the point of contemplating suicide but I have seen a lot of that talk on this site - so here is my advice - don't do it because challenges don't go away that easily. You are here to create the God that you are - that is the point and the purpose of life - get it?

Also, don't have too much coffee or sugar or salt - just trust me on that!
Thats not to say that you need to deny yourself of everything either - just use judgement.

The above advice for you (while good!!!) is admittadely more on the esoteric side of things - for more practical advice I don't need to repeat what Belle said.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Revolution

Chad,
You need to be more calculating in your endeavors.
Why for instance did you decide to JUST pay your girlfriend with a visit?
What were you thinking?
Shouldn't you have softend the ice a bit with a text message/email/letter/phone call etc first before running over to visit unannounced?
It's as if you were subconsciously wanting things to hit the fan.

The only reason I didn't call or write, is because I had no other way.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Terumoto

There's no reason for you to go on living. If you hate your life, it's always within your power to end it. You're free to do so as you wish.

Life doesn't get better automatically. If you hate everything around you, you're gonna hate your life, and you're gonna keep hating it until you don't hate it.

So you can die, you can bear with it until you die, or you can enjoy life while you're alive. It's all fine.

I don't want to end my life, I want to change my life, but I just don't know how.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by bellemeadows

You also need to swear off your ex, and do not call or write or have any contact whatsoever. That relationship is over for her, and you need to honor that.

]

But this is the thing that is bothering me the most. All I ever wanted to do is be a better friend to her.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

But this is the thing that is bothering me the most. All I ever wanted to do is be a better friend to her.

Right now, the best way to do that is to leave her alone.

The answer to how you change your life is simple, Chad: you make a choice. You decide, once and for all, that you're going to let all this stuff go. Give it up. Abandon it. Realise that it doesn't matter what you do, she doesn't want you back, she doesn't want you in her life. Let go of that relationship because there's nothing you can do about it. Take responsibility for your life. Own it. Stop going over what happened again and again and fixating on it. Honestly, it is a choice. I spent two decades with depression, being miserable and unhappy. In the end it doesn't matter what happened. What matters is how you live your life now.

[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I don't want to end my life, I want to change my life, but I just don't know how.

Well listen to Joely. If you give up, nothing seems to weigh you down much anymore. You can just chill out and move on.

Stop categorizing yourself, saying things like "I suffer from anxiety and irritability." Nobody's forcing you to be those things, or to behave in certain ways except yourself. I think you need to re-evaluate your life and not take everything so seriously.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

But this is the thing that is bothering me the most. All I ever wanted to do is be a better friend to her.

It really doesn't matter what you wanted. It's an illusion that life gives you a free pass because you meant well or earnestly desired something (even something "good"). "All I ever wanted" is just a nice way of saying, "I want what I want when I want it and when I don't get it I am going to pitch one hell of a fit, because my desires are all pure as the driven snow, ennobled and ennobling, and anything or anyone that thwarts them is unjust."

When your ex rejected your apology, that was information to guide you in your thinking. Your ex is not a puppet in your personal Hollywood drama. She isn't going to react according to your script. Now -- maybe the primary thing is that she's immature, troubled, or just plain crazy. That is one possibility. Another, more likely primary take-away from this is that however you approached the relationship didn't work -- so you need to do the work to figure out what went wrong so you can do much better on the next relationship.

You're hung up on the idea that your ex is the one and only person you can ever have a relationship with and the world has to come to an end because this one didn't work. Isn't it smarter to do a post-mortem on an obviously dead relationship so you can figure out how not to kill the next one??

Life is messy and difficult. This is one of the great truths. Whining that it's not supposed to be that way doesn't help. Life is what it is. Improving your life skills, developing your character and dealing in reality is what helps.

--Bob

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

It really doesn't matter what you wanted. It's an illusion that life gives you a free pass because you meant well or earnestly desired something (even something "good"). "All I ever wanted" is just a nice way of saying, "I want what I want when I want it and when I don't get it I am going to pitch one hell of a fit, because my desires are all pure as the driven snow, ennobled and ennobling, and anything or anyone that thwarts them is unjust."

That's not it. I just wanted to make sure that I was doing the right thing, but I'm not even sure what the right thing is anymore. Did I do the right thing to apologize? If so, then why do I feel so terrible?

[Honeywith4bees]

I was thinking about what Aspiring to Clarity said in one of her posts when her boyfriend broke up with her. She said something like, she loved him enough to respect his desire to be on his own. Chad, do you love your ex enough to give her the respect of leaving her alone? Now, how about starting to love yourself enough to focus on recreating a life for yourself that works for you. I think you need to let go of the thoughts about your ex. I think you are spending too much of your energy thinking about how you can get her back, how you can be her friend, and not enough time thinking about you and how you can befriend yourself. Let her go.
Then follow some of Belles advice. Life will be good again.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

You're hung up on the idea that your ex is the one and only person you can ever have a relationship with and the world has to come to an end because this one didn't work.

--Bob

She's the person I love and cherish more than anything in the world; which is why I wanted to make things up to her.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

I was thinking about what Aspiring to Clarity said in one of her posts when her boyfriend broke up with her. She said something like, she loved him enough to respect his desire to be on his own. Chad, do you love your ex enough to give her the respect of leaving her alone? Now, how about starting to love yourself enough to focus on recreating a life for yourself that works for you. I think you need to let go of the thoughts about your ex. I think you are spending too much of your energy thinking about how you can get her back, how you can be her friend, and not enough time thinking about you and how you can befriend yourself. Let her go.
Then follow some of Belles advice. Life will be good again.

How can I be a good friend to myself, knowing I've left a damaged relationship in my past? Knowing I shattered the heart of a person I care very deeply for? I feel so terrible... I feel so worthless. I've ruined the best relationship I've ever had... and I'm just supposed to let it go, without doing anything to make it better? That doesn't seem to make sense. I hate myself so much right now.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

How can I be a good friend to myself, knowing I've left a damaged relationship in my past? I feel so terrible... I feel so worthless. I've ruined the best relationship I've ever had... and I'm just supposed to let it go, without doing anything to make it better?

You've "ruined" the best relationship you've had so far . And yes, sometimes the best way to make reparations is to make them on your own. It sounds to me that your ex wants (at least for now), to be left alone by you. Can't you honor that wish from her?

I will not tell you what I think you "should" do, but possibly you could do some amazing growing from this experience. You could turn the feelings of worthlessness and failure around and use them as tools to point you in the direction that you want to go. Figure out how it was that you acted in the past that caused you problems, and learn to behave in a way that gets you the desired reaction from other people (not your ex). Shine your light onto your parents, your co workers, etc. Make that the way that you get your forgiveness, (internally) by learning and growing from the problem.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

How can I be a good friend to myself, knowing I've left a damaged relationship in my past? Knowing I shattered the heart of a person I care very deeply for? I feel so terrible... I feel so worthless. I've ruined the best relationship I've ever had... and I'm just supposed to let it go, without doing anything to make it better? I hate myself so much right now.

How can you not be a good friend to yourself? You need you more than ever now. Yes, you're supposed to just let it go.

You don't have to fall on your sword. Don't excuse yourself, but don't hate yourself. To hate people solves nothing, and you are people, too.

You are not the first person to make mistakes. You won't be the last. Make an honest assessment of what went wrong and why. But -- don't condemn yourself. What would condemning yourself accomplish? Who gave you the idea that it's your job to punish yourself? Isn't what has happened punishment enough? Natural consequences do a very efficient job of motivating us with pain. You don't need to add to it.

You screwed up. It's not unique. Your ex screwed up too. I've screwed up. Everybody here has screwed up. You're responsible only to figure out YOUR part in the great screw-up called life and do what is necessary and possible to do better next time.

--Bob

[Angela]

Chado, my darling, you have been singing the same Chicken Opera for months! When are you going to be willing to take 100% responsibility for your own life, and let go of your belief that this one woman's thoughts, words, and actions are the Creator of how you feel? You can keep asking the same "how do I feel better?" questions forever, and keep getting the same answers, and continue to rebuff them all with, "but all I ever wanted was to be her friend!"

You sound so much like me. I can hear in my head my own plaintive moans about why HE didn't want to marry me. Every time one of my pals would offer very good advice, all I could say was, "But I LOOOOOVE him!!!" and they would just roll their eyes at me and eventually stopped coming around so often.

Like I said, you can do this forever if you want to, but it's costing you big time, and it has a big impact on the people around you. Are you willing to do that forever? No? How long, then?

Lots of love to you, Chado. I know it's hard. And it's all up to you.

[jonarmis]

I'm not getting enough sleep, because of Night Terrors. (My Night Terrors are about the day I went to try to apologize to my ex but she called the police on me.) I have extreme anxiety and irritibility. I hate my job. I'm so frustrated right now with my life I don't which way to go. I try affirmations but if my life stays the same what's the point?

You sounded like your really hopeless! Come on, there's more to life than that. At least you are fully functional, your not blind, deaf, mute or handicapped. There's great reason to celebrate life. You tend to wallow into your miseries. The reason why you feel down is because you let that feeling to take hold of you and control you. Break free from that bond and look at the brighter side of life!

[Chado2423]

How can I forgive myself. Yes, I know Angela that I've been singing the same old song. And frankly I'm sick of hearing it too. Its just that I don't know what to do. Anytime I take any action with my friends or family, I end up making things worse. I just don't know how to; or even if I can forgive and love myself when my whole life is a mess like this. When the friendships that are most dear to me are thwarted. I hurt my ex-girlfrend very deeply apparently... I just don't know if I can love myself for that. Something happened between her and I that cuts too deeply... I can't let it go - I can't get it out of my head. I've got these painful memories and I can't stop thinking about them. I just want the pain to go away and leave me alone."

[SunnKali]

Chado -- this website has some free online tools that may be helpful with your situation. Sending you love & light.

Radical Forgiveness Free Online Tools

[Angela]

Here's the song I hear you singing, Chado: "I can't, I can't, I can't!" And what I hear you saying through that is: "I'm not willing, and I've got my reasons!"

You are holding on so tightly to your pain and to your reasons, Chado, that nothing anyone says to you is going to penetrate your skull. No one here or anywhere else can do anything for you. When you are ready to surrender and accept that you are the person who is responsible for how you feel, then you have the power to feel good on purpose. If you would like my help, please let me know when you're willing to feel good. Until then, you are fine exactly as you are -- you will survive. But I think you'd like to do much more than survive, right? You would like to be the Master of your Moment, wouldn't you?

Best wishes to you, sweetheart.

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

She's the person I love and cherish more than anything in the world; which is why I wanted to make things up to her.

Aw, c'mon, guy. Work with me here. No one's arguing that you didn't have all your eggs in her basket. What's that got to do with the central issue, which is that if you don't stop obsessing about it and let go, you will spend the rest of your life wringing your hands like this.

You have given her all your power. If she refuses to forgive you then you your life is over. Indeed, she may be doing this just because she knows it's twisting the knife.

You don't need her forgiveness. It'd be nice, but you don't need it. Forgive yourself, and move on. And quit telling yourself that you don't know what to do. Everyone here is in remarkable agreement with their advice. You have the power to believe and think anything you choose.

If you want to fish for advice you're willing to hear and follow, you're going to have to go someplace else to do it, because I don't think the advice you're getting here is going to change.

--Bob

[SonoranBob]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

That's not it. I just wanted to make sure that I was doing the right thing, but I'm not even sure what the right thing is anymore. Did I do the right thing to apologize? If so, then why do I feel so terrible?

It's pretty straightforward. If what you call an apology was actually a credible, sincere, no strings attached apology, and not just some groveling and sniveling where the only outcome you are willing to accept is that she takes you back, then yes ... it was the right thing to do. Beyond that, it's not your ball game. You have no say in how she responds to the apology.

My guess is you feel so terrible anyway because the only thing you are willing to accept is that she forgives you.

The. Relationship. Is. Over. You can close yourself to the possibilities that the rest of your life holds, by insisting that reality conform to you. Or, you can conform to reality, and have a much easier ride. Trust me, ramming your head into a brick wall like this is no way to live.

--Bob

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by SonoranBob

Trust me, ramming your head into a brick wall like this is no way to live.

--Bob

I'm in agreement there. I hate being so angry with myself and my life. I wish I knew how to let this bitterness and depression go away. If I could have done it easily I would have long ago. I've never been this depressed for this long in my entire life. ("The relationship is over" may be factual, but how does that change anything?) If I'm not able to love people adequately, then what's the point. (No I'm not thinking of ending my life... but I am wondering how I got into this mess in the first place, and if there is a way I could turn my life back around.) Trust me, I didn't used to be like this. This is the worst-case scenario for me. I had four successful years in a relationship I never even dreamed was possible for me. And I'm tired of living my life the way I'm living it now. It just isn't doing me or anyone else any good. But I feel stuck, like you said ramming my head against the wall. That's how I feel about EVERYTHING in my life right now.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

"The relationship is over" may be factual, but how does that change anything?

If you actually start living as if it's true instead of continually behaving as if there is something there still then everything will change.

[mncz]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

If you actually start living as if it's true instead of continually behaving as if there is something there still then everything will change.

Yes, that is it. If you keep thinking there is "something you could have done better/different" etc, and keep playing those scenarios in your head, you will NEVER get anywhere (I know this, since I was doing that last 3 months and tried to save my failed relationship 3 times and ended up in a much, MUCH worse position than the one I was after our first breakup). If it is over, it is over, and there is NOTHING you can do. Such is life.

Stop it. Your entire life might seem gray, bleak and lifeless at this moment (it does for me), but I can assure you, that it will get better.

What you can do in the meantime, is:
a) train your mind to get out of the loop of your negative thoughts. Whenever you see yourself getting to thinking how crap everything is, focus on the current moment instead and observe things around you: weather, your breathing, other people moving, little things. Remind yourself that past is already gone and future is yet to come and focus on the now. And breathe. BREATHE!

b) make a list of things you have always wanted to do and do at least some of them, if they are within reachable range

c) as much as you can afford it, do only things you love to do. Do not force yourself to do things you don't have energy for (except when they are vital for your life - school or paid job, since you will be sorry about screwing them up). If you can, take a vacation. I, for example, have cut back on workload and I do all the shopping/coffee shop munching/web surfing/reading / gaming / walking I can take, since those are things that make me feel good. Generate some positive emotions for yourself

d) communicate with other people. Talk about whatever - the topics of your conversation will take your thoughts off the negative pattern

e) meditate. I, for example, can't focus on a proper meditation yet, but I still turn off the lights, light a candle and look at it, thinking about various things for about 20 minutes. I visualise life how I would like it to be, try to step up the vibrational ladder (see the book Ask and it is Given for the process) and generally chill. When I will feel better, I will get back to manifesting stuff, at the moment I am so down that I cannot focus on it properly. It is very nice thing to do before sleep.

f) exercise. An hour on treadmill or other favorite physical activity will clear your head, burn some of the depression and boost your confidence. All psychologists recommend physical activities against sadness/depression and I have tried it, and it works.

g) practice forgiving. whenever you feel bad about what you have done, do a dialogue with yourself. If you can, try to find out, WHY you did it, go back to reasons of reasons of reasons. Rethink your childhood, your relationships with your parents/old friends/previous relationships. There is a lesson there, something you should learn. When you see it, release your anger and guilt. Say "now I see why this has happened and I forgive myself for this". Ask apology to the harmed person in your mind. Their higher selves can hear it and by doing that you detach a string of bad emotion that is tying you to the other person. Ask apology to your body, since you have harmed it through your negative thinking. And then forgive yourself once more. Keep doing this for some time. If you can do this with all your heart, you will feel relief. Then repeat it with all your other bad emotions/guilt/shame/fear one by one until they subside.

It is not easy to get over a broken relationship, but it is possible and it is the best thing to do for you. If your ex will want you back, she will let you know. While she doesn't, focus on yourself and making your life and your person better. There are plenty of women to go around, and there is the right one for you in your future too, not only in your past.

There is always light at the end of this.

Keep in mind that you cannot get "happy" in a few days. If you have been seriously depressed and generally unable to do anything, you will be angry, arrogant, bitchy, annoyed etc. for a while. Although most people will not see it as such, it is actually an improvement over state of apathy, and if you keep going from there, you will eventually get happy. Don't be afraid of your aggression, it has to come out. Just keep it so that innocent people do not get hurt without reason. Enter a fighting class if you have to.

Since this condition of yours seems to have been around for a while now, I would also recommend seeing a doctor and counseling/prescriptions unless your beliefs are against this type of help. While pills alone will not heal you (in fact, they can do only a little to deal with depression), they might put your biochemistry up a notch and make this all easier to handle. 95% of the job is still up to you though.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by mncz

Yes, that is it. If you keep thinking there is "something you could have done better/different" etc, and keep playing those scenarios in your head, you will NEVER get anywhere (I know this, since I was doing that last 3 months and tried to save my failed relationship 3 times and ended up in a much, MUCH worse position than the one I was after our first breakup). If it is over, it is over, and there is NOTHING you can do. Such is life.

Stop it. Your entire life might seem gray, bleak and lifeless at this moment (it does for me), but I can assure you, that it will get better.

What you can do in the meantime, is:
a) train your mind to get out of the loop of your negative thoughts. Whenever you see yourself getting to thinking how crap everything is, focus on the current moment instead and observe things around you: weather, your breathing, other people moving, little things. Remind yourself that past is already gone and future is yet to come and focus on the now. And breathe. BREATHE!

b) make a list of things you have always wanted to do and do at least some of them, if they are within reachable range

c) as much as you can afford it, do only things you love to do. Do not force yourself to do things you don't have energy for (except when they are vital for your life - school or paid job, since you will be sorry about screwing them up). If you can, take a vacation. I, for example, have cut back on workload and I do all the shopping/coffee shop munching/web surfing/reading / gaming / walking I can take, since those are things that make me feel good. Generate some positive emotions for yourself

d) communicate with other people. Talk about whatever - the topics of your conversation will take your thoughts off the negative pattern

e) meditate. I, for example, can't focus on a proper meditation yet, but I still turn off the lights, light a candle and look at it, thinking about various things for about 20 minutes. I visualise life how I would like it to be, try to step up the vibrational ladder (see the book Ask and it is Given for the process) and generally chill. When I will feel better, I will get back to manifesting stuff, at the moment I am so down that I cannot focus on it properly. It is very nice thing to do before sleep.

f) exercise. An hour on treadmill or other favorite physical activity will clear your head, burn some of the depression and boost your confidence. All psychologists recommend physical activities against sadness/depression and I have tried it, and it works.

g) practice forgiving. whenever you feel bad about what you have done, do a dialogue with yourself. If you can, try to find out, WHY you did it, go back to reasons of reasons of reasons. Rethink your childhood, your relationships with your parents/old friends/previous relationships. There is a lesson there, something you should learn. When you see it, release your anger and guilt. Say "now I see why this has happened and I forgive myself for this". Ask apology to the harmed person in your mind. Their higher selves can hear it and by doing that you detach a string of bad emotion that is tying you to the other person. Ask apology to your body, since you have harmed it through your negative thinking. And then forgive yourself once more. Keep doing this for some time. If you can do this with all your heart, you will feel relief. Then repeat it with all your other bad emotions/guilt/shame/fear one by one until they subside.

It is not easy to get over a broken relationship, but it is possible and it is the best thing to do for you. If your ex will want you back, she will let you know. While she doesn't, focus on yourself and making your life and your person better. There are plenty of women to go around, and there is the right one for you in your future too, not only in your past.

There is always light at the end of this.

Keep in mind that you cannot get "happy" in a few days. If you have been seriously depressed and generally unable to do anything, you will be angry, arrogant, bitchy, annoyed etc. for a while. Although most people will not see it as such, it is actually an improvement over state of apathy, and if you keep going from there, you will eventually get happy. Don't be afraid of your aggression, it has to come out. Just keep it so that innocent people do not get hurt without reason. Enter a fighting class if you have to.

Since this condition of yours seems to have been around for a while now, I would also recommend seeing a doctor and counseling/prescriptions unless your beliefs are against this type of help. While pills alone will not heal you (in fact, they can do only a little to deal with depression), they might put your biochemistry up a notch and make this all easier to handle. 95% of the job is still up to you though.

I don't know how to be happy; knowing I've hurt someone so deeply where they wouldn't want to forgive me. How can I be happy when the person I love the most wants nothing to do with me? I wanted to communicate better with my ex, because communication was part of the problem. I know the future may not be bleak, but the present sure as hell sucks. I can't stop dreaming about my ex. I wanted to try to save our friendship, but she wants nothing to do with me... I'm hoping that she won't stay mad at me forever, but if I don't do anything to prove my love for her, then she probably won't. I'm so confused as what to do. People keep telling me to let it go; but how do I that? I mean if I don't feel it inside, how do I do that? If I dated somebody else that would only seem to her that what she thinks is true. Besides I wouldn't love them in the way I love her. I already know I love her, which is why I went to apologize to her. I pray every day, but nothing in my real world is changing. I'm such a mess right now, and I wish I knew what to do. Letting go is apparently not an option for me; because if I could have done that, I'd have done that long ago. How do you let go, when you know your heart won't let you? Or how do you prove that you care still about someone, when they don't give a rats ass about you anymore? I can't keep on living the way I've been living. Its such a miserable existence.

How do you move on when your heart won't let you?

[xyz]

Chado2423,
Its natural to feel miserable after one goofed things up. If you want you can try one thing. Why not think deeply what caused you to hurt your ex? What were the reasons that made you behave in a hurtful manner? What were those things that allowed things to go out of control? Why not trying to do a bit of introspection, if you want? Deep down do you feel worthless not worthy of anyone's love, care and attention? Or you simply don't know how to respond to one's love, care and attention? Why not write everything down and find the root cause of this break up? If you really want her forgiveness why not make a promise to yourself that you will never hurt anyone in your life in such a manner? Before indulging in that action again in future why not remember your ex's face and all the hurt she was bearing? Why not do something so that you can be proud of yourself?