I hate my life

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I don't know how to be happy; knowing I've hurt someone so deeply where they wouldn't want to forgive me. How can I be happy when the person I love the most wants nothing to do with me? I wanted to communicate better with my ex, because communication was part of the problem. I know the future may not be bleak, but the present sure as hell sucks. I can't stop dreaming about my ex. I wanted to try to save our friendship, but she wants nothing to do with me... I'm hoping that she won't stay mad at me forever, but if I don't do anything to prove my love for her, then she probably won't. I'm so confused as what to do. People keep telling me to let it go; but how do I that? I mean if I don't feel it inside, how do I do that? If I dated somebody else that would only seem to her that what she thinks is true. Besides I wouldn't love them in the way I love her. I already know I love her, which is why I went to apologize to her. I pray every day, but nothing in my real world is changing. I'm such a mess right now, and I wish I knew what to do. Letting go is apparently not an option for me; because if I could have done that, I'd have done that long ago. How do you let go, when you know your heart won't let you? Or how do you prove that you care still about someone, when they don't give a rats ass about you anymore? I can't keep on living the way I've been living. Its such a miserable existence.

How do you move on when your heart won't let you?

Chad, as long as you keep doing this to you and her she has every right not to forgive you. You have pinned your entire life and existence on her and until that changes, she is actually better off and much safer not having anything to do with you. Try to look at yourself from outside, see how she sees you right now. I'll be honest, if I had an ex like you, I'd be frightened that you might do something either to yourself or me. You're not just turning your own life into an emotional nightmare, you're continuing to turn hers into that as well.

It's not that your heart won't let you, it's that you don't want to. Look at all the attention you get - look at all the posts you put up asking for more and more attention because you're so miserable. All you do is go round in circles, asking the same questions over and over again and then completely ignoring all the sound, loving advice that's been given to you, because if you took that advice, if you did the decent, loving thing for your ex and allowed her to get on with her own life without you clinging on to her, all of this would stop. And you don't want that to happen.

I know that because I've been there. Because oh my god you'd actually have to live your life and be happy and content and functional if you let this whole thing go. I've done this myself and it does nobody any good. If you carry on, you will lose a lot more than your ex. You wind yourself up repeating all of these thoughts and words over and again. Basically, the only way you will let go on your terms is if she takes you back and allows you to carry on pinning your whole world on her. That isn't fair on her and it isn't going to happen.

How do you let go? You make a decision. You say no to more of this Chicken Opera. You stop thinking this way, because you are choosing to think the way you're thinking. You decide to stop going over this again and again and you get a life, basically. Go out and do other things. Take up many of the great suggestions presented here to you. Get some exercise, take a walk. Appreciate nature. Think about how you'd make your life great. I don't actually believe all of this you say about how you can't be happy because you've hurt somebody you love. Because if you really were sorry that you'd hurt her, you'd leave her alone and allow her and yourself to move on. I know that sounds harsh, but this is a stage you really need to kick your own butt out of, before you start turning everybody away from you.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Joely

Chad, as long as you keep doing this to you and her she has every right not to forgive you. You have pinned your entire life and existence on her and until that changes, she is actually better off and much safer not having anything to do with you. Try to look at yourself from outside, see how she sees you right now. I'll be honest, if I had an ex like you, I'd be frightened that you might do something either to yourself or me. You're not just turning your own life into an emotional nightmare, you're continuing to turn hers into that as well.

It's not that your heart won't let you, it's that you don't want to. Look at all the attention you get - look at all the posts you put up asking for more and more attention because you're so miserable. All you do is go round in circles, asking the same questions over and over again and then completely ignoring all the sound, loving advice that's been given to you, because if you took that advice, if you did the decent, loving thing for your ex and allowed her to get on with her own life without you clinging on to her, all of this would stop. And you don't want that to happen.

I know that because I've been there. Because oh my god you'd actually have to live your life and be happy and content and functional if you let this whole thing go. I've done this myself and it does nobody any good. If you carry on, you will lose a lot more than your ex. You wind yourself up repeating all of these thoughts and words over and again. Basically, the only way you will let go on your terms is if she takes you back and allows you to carry on pinning your whole world on her. That isn't fair on her and it isn't going to happen.

How do you let go? You make a decision. You say no to more of this Chicken Opera. You stop thinking this way, because you are choosing to think the way you're thinking. You decide to stop going over this again and again and you get a life, basically. Go out and do other things. Take up many of the great suggestions presented here to you. Get some exercise, take a walk. Appreciate nature. Think about how you'd make your life great. I don't actually believe all of this you say about how you can't be happy because you've hurt somebody you love. Because if you really were sorry that you'd hurt her, you'd leave her alone and allow her and yourself to move on. I know that sounds harsh, but this is a stage you really need to kick your own butt out of, before you start turning everybody away from you.

I really am sorry that I hurt her... but I thought that if you were really sorry you'd do everything to make things up to those you've hurt.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I really am sorry that I hurt her... but I thought that if you were really sorry you'd do everything to make things up to those you've hurt.

In order to "make things up to her" you must leave her alone. Let her get on with her life without you. That's how you make up for your behaviour. At the moment your obsessional need to "make things up" to her is actually masking a desperate desire to try to keep things going with her. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want you in her life. Please, Chad, respect that she doesn't want you in her life before you get a restraining order slapped on your butt.

I know I sound very harsh but I have no greater wish than to see you change your thinking and live happily and confidently. But you're going to have to do that without her. The only way on earth you could possibly make things up to her is to move on with your life, allow her to move on with hers, and leave her in peace.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Joely

In order to "make things up to her" you must leave her alone. Let her get on with her life without you. That's how you make up for your behaviour. At the moment your obsessional need to "make things up" to her is actually masking a desperate desire to try to keep things going with her. She doesn't want that. She doesn't want you in her life. Please, Chad, respect that she doesn't want you in her life before you get a restraining order slapped on your butt.

I know I sound very harsh but I have no greater wish than to see you change your thinking and live happily and confidently. But you're going to have to do that without her. The only way on earth you could possibly make things up to her is to move on with your life, allow her to move on with hers, and leave her in peace.

I wish I knew how to do that... but I can't eat, or sleep. I feel so terrible and wretched about hurting her. I tried to be honest and sincere. Why did I ever love anyone in the first place? What's the f'n point to all of this? Why must I continue to suffer in agony? I thought all conflicts are resolvable (stupid seseme street!) Are things always going to be like this between her and I? I really miss her very badly. I wish I could go see her.

The problem I have is this: if I don't go see her, then nothing gets better between her and I, and she won't know that I really am sorry and just wanting to make things up to her. But if I do go see her, then she'll just reject me again and I'm doomed to coming back up her. I know I need to do something differently if I truly wanted to mend this relationship, but I'm so lost.

I wish she would feel comfortable being around me. I never meant to make her cry, or hurt her in any way.

I said I was sorry, but what more can I do than this? Is there absolutely NO WAY to patch things up with her? Isn't moving on just an excuse for not taking the time effort to really work at patching things up with the previous relationship?

I don't want a restraining order, I want to make things up to her, that's all I ever wanted, but I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore.

One of my co-workers the other day told me to cheer up, and all I could think is "the audacity; if she only knew what I was going through in my life right now, then she wouldn't have said that!

[JimOfferman]

Chado,

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I'm so lost.

You break my heart, you know that? Every time I read another one of your posts, I'm thinking: "I wish I could just lift this guy over this hurdle he's created for himself and let him be on his way..."

But the truth is, that I can't do that for you. From my perspective, you're facing nothing more than a little speed bump that you could easily step over... but all you can see is this incredible mountain of a problem that you cannot cross and I cannot cross for you.

I'm not sure I know how to do that anymore.

Just let it go. Your happiness is tied to this mountain only so long as you stand here facing it. Turn around. Look in a different direction. There's a world of opportunity out there for you to explore...

Good luck.

[bellemeadows]

Number one: recognize that you really NEED to forgive; yourself, your ex, your parents, all of those folks who hurt you in the past, and anyone hurting you right now.

Forgiveness process number 1:

Decide you must forgive.

Ask God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, Mother Mary, or any other realized being to help you in your forgiveness request. (This is an essential step)

Then instead of singing the same old negative scripts in your head, say the following:

Through grace, (name of one to forgive -- could be you or your ex or whoever), I love you, I bless you, I release you, I forgive you. Thank you (God, Buddha, HS, etc. -- choose one) for your help with this.

Forgiveness process number two (From Gary Renard's The Disappearance of the Universe)

Say to yourself or to the person you wish to forgive:

You are spirit (or Christ); whole, pure and innocent. All is forgiven and released.

Use either of these methods whenever you feel ill at ease with yourself or the past. Instead of letting the negative, ego scripts run your life, do these forgiveness processes over and over again. You are trying to change your focus here, so you may need to make yourself say these things, over and over again.

Memorize these scripts. Use them in the car, before bed, all the time.

Your ego is running your life, and making you miserable. The truth is, the only one who's love you need is your own. And the only way to find that love is to GET OUT OF THE PAST, and find yourself in the present moment.

Eckhart Tolle's latest book (on Oprah's book club list) may help you. It talks about the pain body running your thinking, which is what is going on with you.

It is your choice; allow your ego/pain body to run your life, or make the decision to change. These are simple exercises, but if, every time your egoic mind starts to rant at you about how bad you are. . . how you didn't do this. . . how you will never get it right. . . you have the choice to intercede and forgive. If you do that you will break this cycle, and find a whole new life. If you do not, you will be stuck in variations of this painful place forever.

Also, give up your ex. This issue is not about her, it is really about you.

Also work out -- you can help by working your body physically.

Also, if you are waking up in cold sweats, and not sleeping -- get some valium, and take it every night. No one can function without sleep. Valium is cheap, and less addictive than zoloft. It will help you break the anziety, and you can use that calm time to work on forgiveness, to exercise, to refocus on the positive, and stop listening to your vicious ego.

The other posters are right, you are the only one who can make the choice to move on. No one can do it for you. Aren't you tired of the pain? Well, you can do something about it. Begin now, and each week, each month will be better than the last. And one day you will thank your ex for opening your mind and your heart to a whole new way of being.

Blessings from Belle,

[bellemeadows]

When you choose to stop listening to that negative, strident ego voice, it may get louder. It really would prefer that you continue to let it run your life. And it is fully committed to getting its own way. When I say it may get louder, the truth is it may begin to scream at you.

When that happens, just rest in the assurance that you are changing something for the better. Keep going. Be gentle with your ego. Be patient, gentle and forgiving with yourself. Do not fight your ego -- fighting is its method, not yours.

Again, be kind, be forgiving. . . choose this path instead of the path of harshness and pain.

Blessings from Belle,

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by bellemeadows

Number one: recognize that you really NEED to forgive; yourself, your ex, your parents, all of those folks who hurt you in the past, and anyone hurting you right now.

Forgiveness process number 1:

Decide you must forgive.

Ask God, the Holy Spirit, Jesus, Buddha, Mother Mary, or any other realized being to help you in your forgiveness request. (This is an essential step)

Then instead of singing the same old negative scripts in your head, say the following:

Through grace, (name of one to forgive -- could be you or your ex or whoever), I love you, I bless you, I release you, I forgive you. Thank you (God, Buddha, HS, etc. -- choose one) for your help with this.

Forgiveness process number two (From Gary Renard's The Disappearance of the Universe)

Say to yourself or to the person you wish to forgive:

You are spirit (or Christ); whole, pure and innocent. All is forgiven and released.

Use either of these methods whenever you feel ill at ease with yourself or the past. Instead of letting the negative, ego scripts run your life, do these forgiveness processes over and over again. You are trying to change your focus here, so you may need to make yourself say these things, over and over again.

Memorize these scripts. Use them in the car, before bed, all the time.

Your ego is running your life, and making you miserable. The truth is, the only one who's love you need is your own. And the only way to find that love is to GET OUT OF THE PAST, and find yourself in the present moment.

Eckhart Tolle's latest book (on Oprah's book club list) may help you. It talks about the pain body running your thinking, which is what is going on with you.

It is your choice; allow your ego/pain body to run your life, or make the decision to change. These are simple exercises, but if, every time your egoic mind starts to rant at you about how bad you are. . . how you didn't do this. . . how you will never get it right. . . you have the choice to intercede and forgive. If you do that you will break this cycle, and find a whole new life. If you do not, you will be stuck in variations of this painful place forever.

Also, give up your ex. This issue is not about her, it is really about you.

Also work out -- you can help by working your body physically.

Also, if you are waking up in cold sweats, and not sleeping -- get some valium, and take it every night. No one can function without sleep. Valium is cheap, and less addictive than zoloft. It will help you break the anziety, and you can use that calm time to work on forgiveness, to exercise, to refocus on the positive, and stop listening to your vicious ego.

The other posters are right, you are the only one who can make the choice to move on. No one can do it for you. Aren't you tired of the pain? Well, you can do something about it. Begin now, and each week, each month will be better than the last. And one day you will thank your ex for opening your mind and your heart to a whole new way of being.

Blessings from Belle,

Yes, I am tired of the pain, the uncertainty the unknowingness as what to do. I'm stuck and I feel so miserable all the time. I feel miserable that I am unable to make things up to my ex. People keep telling me to let it go, but I read in the Bible to love those that hate you. How am I supposed to do that, when they won't let me? What is forgiveness without reconciliation... if you haven't reconciled, have you really forgiven?

I see the birds... they steal food from each other, but they also go back and give the birds they stole from some food... isn't that what forgiveness is really about? Today is a new day, but I'm not living my life the way I'd like to be living it.

People keep saying move on... but I don't even know what that means, or even if it is the right thing to do. Isn't it better to make peace? "Live peacably among all men!" is what I read in the Bible, but if the Bible is right, why can't I make peace with my ex?

You're right... The issue is about me... it's about me being a terrible ex-boyfriend, and all I ever wanted to do was change that, but I'm not sure about how to do that. I'm tired of feeling this way, and if I could turn everything around in my life I'd do it today...

Move on... move on.... Okay, but doing what, and with whom, and going where? How can I make the choice to move on, when I can't adequately make peace with the past? Forgive? How can I forgive myself?

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I really am sorry that I hurt her... but I thought that if you were really sorry you'd do everything to make things up to those you've hurt.

Chad~ Joely is right. If you really want to make it up to her, then LEAVE HER ALONE! Respect her wishes to be left alone. How can she heal if you keep pestering her? Give her the best gift you could if you truly love her, the time and space to heal.

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I thought all conflicts are resolvable (stupid seseme street!)

This made me laugh!! There is hope for you yet, Chad!

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

You break my heart, you know that? Every time I read another one of your posts, I'm thinking: "I wish I could just lift this guy over this hurdle he's created for himself and let him be on his way..."

Jim, you are truly a PRINCE of a man!

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

This made me laugh!! There is hope for you yet, Chad!

I'm serious. When Elmo hurt Big Bird's feeling, Emo went to Big Bird and said "Elmo's sorry." And Big Bird forgave him. Why can't I have that sort of luck in my life... Am I not worthy of forgiveness? I feel like such a despicable person. (Apologize to those I've hurt, and what do I get but the rebuff? Chad's sorry, but no-matter Chad's sorry? How do I not feel bitter about this? Move on, but I can't stop thinking about this.... if this issue is never resolved I don't think I will feel better. I want to feel better now, but I can't feel better if I'm not being the type of friend I'd like to be... but what's more is I can't be the type of friend I'd like to be, if no one cares about me anymore. )


If you truly love her, respect her wishes and leave her alone... what kind of love is that? I've left her alone, but then again it didn't matter to her.

I'm supposed to be my own friend, but isn't part of being your own friend being a good friend to others?

I think I'm just having a mid-life crises... but I don't know how to get out of it!

[Steve Pavlina]

FWIW I actually disagree with the advice to "let it go." That clearly isn't working for you anyway. If you could just let it go and move on, you'd have done so by now. How are you supposed to let it go when your own thoughts keep you obsessing over it?

Instead of fighting with your own thoughts, why not simply accept them as they are? Resisting the thoughts only makes you miserable, and the actions you consider as a result of that misery are... well... pretty lame ideas in the grand scheme of things.

Did you know that it's perfectly okay to be miserable, to be in pain, to hurt for a while? Misery serves to carve out a bigger container within you for future joy. Why keep fighting it?

What's wrong with being miserable? Sadness is a beautiful thing. It's helps us reconnect with what's most important to us and shed what isn't.
Misery can actually be a very cathartic experience -- if you don't resist it.

Personally I think you could do a much better job of being unhappy than you are right now. Surely if you're upset about your ex, you must have plenty of other things to be upset about too? Are you in debt? Overweight perhaps? Do you hate your boss and co-workers? Why limit your misery to just one area of your life? I'll bet you're capable of much deeper self-pity than you're letting on.

Incidentally, the reason you're getting non-acceptance from your ex as well as from people in this forum is that non-acceptance is what you're broadcasting to everyone. Since you're resisting your own misery, you're bringing out tons of resistance in other people.

I'm not saying you can or can't have your ex back, but the path that involves her accepting you begins with the step of total self-acceptance, which includes accepting and embracing how lousy you feel instead of trying to run from it.

[JimOfferman]

^^ A smart man, he

It's actually pretty close to what I meant to say with 'let it go' - accept all that is for what it is, including yourself.

[Joely]

I agree with Jim. Maybe we should throw a pity party.

[Lauxa]

Wow, you actually got a comment from Steve himself! Don't you feel honored?

I am going to totally disagree with Steve's advice. The voice in your head is saying things that make you feel miserable. In my experience, the best way to turn off the voice in your head is to replace it with another voice. And the best free and legal way to do that is to listen to podcasts. Try Dr. Wayne Dyer's Inspiration or Ajahn Brahm Dharma Talks. If you are religious at all, there are tons of podcasts done by churches, I like Unity Church of Phoenix. Or you can buy material from Tony Robbins or Brian Tracy who are both very motivational.

Listen to motivational material at least several hours each day. All of these talks will be giving you tips and techniques on how to take control of your mind and redirect your thinking in a more positive direction.

Please try this as it will make you feel better almost instantly.

[Angela]

I get the feeling that Steve's advice is more applicable to the REST of us!

We are so committed to Chado feeling better, but we can't MAKE anyone feel better. We're all in this together, and that says so much for these forums that if any one of us doesn't feel good, we all pitch in to try to generate feeling good. I love that about us!

And... it looks like Chado is just not feeling good at the (rather long) moment, and Steve's suggestion of acceptance totally applies to me, anyway. It will be a good tool for me in living a life I love to accept that Chado is thinking thoughts that have him feeling bad (while not condoning it) because that's exactly what he's doing, and that's PERFECT. He is exactly where he should be, just like all of us. Accepting that will make me feel better, anyway. And at the same time, if there is anything that you would like me to do to help you think thoughts that feel better when you think them, Chado, I am right here, available and listening.

Steve, thanks for the reminder. I was just as stuck as our good friend Chado, and I am now free, connected, and joyful.

Lots of love to all of us,
Angela

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

If you truly love her, respect her wishes and leave her alone... what kind of love is that? I've left her alone, but then again it didn't matter to her.

So, my ex-husband really hurt me in the last few years of our "marriage". He abused both my older children and me, physically, and most of all mentally. He belittled me, called me awful things, broke things in our home, lied, cheated on me, etc etc etc. I FINALLY got the where with all to make him leave. For sometime after he would come back, to see the kids or whatever, and always he would want to "make amends" to me. I didn't trust him (still don't) and wouldn't accept his words. In fact, his apologies never made me feel better, they only made me feel used and distrustful and hurt. His "apologizing" just dragged out my misery. The kindest thing he could possibly ever have done for me then, would have been to LEAVE ME ALONE!!! he finally ended up in jail for three months and it was only then that I actually could get on with my life. (Although even then he sent me letters of apology, but I could choose not to read those.)
It's taken years, but I am now able to be his friend (sort of), for the sake of our children anyway. The best thing for he and I in terms of friendship was separation.
I don't know if this story helps, but maybe you can see how backing off from trying to make her forgive you, could actually be beneficial to her and therefor, you.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

I get the feeling that Steve's advice is more applicable to the REST of us!

We are so committed to Chado feeling better, but we can't MAKE anyone feel better. We're all in this together, and that says so much for these forums that if any one of us doesn't feel good, we all pitch in to try to generate feeling good. I love that about us!

And... it looks like Chado is just not feeling good at the (rather long) moment, and Steve's suggestion of acceptance totally applies to me, anyway. It will be a good tool for me in living a life I love to accept that Chado is thinking thoughts that have him feeling bad (while not condoning it) because that's exactly what he's doing, and that's PERFECT. He is exactly where he should be, just like all of us. Accepting that will make me feel better, anyway. And at the same time, if there is anything that you would like me to do to help you think thoughts that feel better when you think them, Chado, I am right here, available and listening.

Steve, thanks for the reminder. I was just as stuck as our good friend Chado, and I am now free, connected, and joyful.

Lots of love to all of us,
Angela

Perfect I completely agree. Sometimes it's hard not to want to help people feel better, when maybe that isn't the best thing for them.

J x

[bellemeadows]

Well, here is the eye-opener. She doesn't want to see you anymore. She feels so uncomfortable in your presence that she called the police on you.

You know what people who love do when someone is in pain, and they ask for something obviously important to them? They give it to them. Sometimes that isn't easy -- sometimes it is really, really hard. Your ex wants you gone. If you do love her, then you will insist that you comply to the letter with this request. Have you done that? If not, then your personal comfort and satisfaction is much more important to you than hers -- and that isn't love, it is obsession.

I think under it all there is love that is real. Real love doesn't leave when the object of affection is gone. It remains.

Don't try to rid yourself of the love. Comply with her wishes because of the love. Work on yourself because of the love. Be gentle with your own egoic thoughts, because of the love. And above all else, let her go, and move on because of the love.

If you keep trying to control the outcome with an internal script running about how she needs to forgive you, she needs to be kind to you or you can't move on, she can't leave you -- you've been a bad boy, but only she can free you from your badness -- can you see how that is not about her, but about you, you, you, and getting your needs met? It is not love.

A little tough love here, from Belle -- forgive me if I sound harsh please.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

Yes, I am tired of the pain, the uncertainty the unk