How do you know if you truly love yourself?

[Rockchick26]

Is it possible to not really love yourself but just think you do? Like people tell me i have to love myself before i can attract the right relationship,and i thought i did love myself so i thought i was ready. I WANT to love. I feel joy when i see a happy couple. I know i have a lot to offer,sometimes i feel like i have more to offer than most other girls. I feel like i'd be a perfect girlfriend. And i respect myself enough to not just date anyone,and i've only had sex with one man EVER and that was my ex boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. So morally and emotionally and mentally i think i'm perfect girlfriend material. And i dont need to be around people all the time,i am perfectly fine with staying home for days on end,even on weekends! Doing nothing but sitting online,reading books,listening to music,watching tv,working out,etc. I am not a clingy person,i need my space every day. So why do people think i dont love myself? Is there a sure way to tell? By just wondering this does that mean i dont? lol I just wanna know why i cant attract love when i feel like i love myself,so i dont get what's wrong.

[Joely]

If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't be asking the question. You say "I WANT to love", which is very different from being in a state of loving. You feel the need to qualify why you think you'd be suitable to somebody else, but you give away your need to be with somebody else to demonstrate that you're lovable. If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't worry about the fact that you're not in a relationship, that you can't attract love, because you'd be attracting it to yourself all the time.

It's not about what you do, how you behave or what you enjoy doing - or even how many people you've slept with - there's something about love that's the total person, that's about intangibles. When you see yourself as a whole person, just enjoying the thrill of being you and being alive, that's when you love yourself. When you can look at your life and love even the things that might be regarded as unattractive or unappealing, that's when you love yourself.

If people have the impression that you don't love yourself it's because you seem like you need to be loved from outside. When you don't need to be loved, it comes to you naturally. I can't remember Angela's fantastic abbreviation for a loving, long-term relationship but what that means to me is two complete individuals, each enjoying being themselves in their lives, not worried about needing something from the other, sharing their lives and their love together. They aren't worried about what they have to "offer", because what they have is themselves, total beings just loving being themselves, regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not.

[makessense]

I agree.

Love is definitely a dangerous thing if you don't love yourself first.

In any relationship, I do believe love is emotionless. Love is a willingness to compromise with whatever obstacles faced regardless of emotion. Love is acceptance.

[Ree]

Originally Posted by Joely

If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't be asking the question. You say "I WANT to love", which is very different from loving. You feel the need to qualify why you think you'd be suitable to somebody else, but you give away your need to be with somebody else to demonstrate that you're lovable. If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't worry about the fact that you're not in a relationship, that you can't attract love, because you'd be attracting it to yourself all the time.

It's not about what you do, how you behave or what you enjoy doing - or even how many people you've slept with - there's something about love that's the total person, that's about intangibles. When you see yourself as a whole person, just enjoying the thrill of being you and being alive, that's when you love yourself. When you can look at your life and love even the things that might be regarded as unattractive or unappealing, that's when you love yourself.

If people have the impression that you don't love yourself it's because you seem like you need to be loved from outside. When you don't need to be loved, it comes to you naturally. I can't remember Angela's fantastic abbreviation for a loving, long-term relationship but what that means to me is two complete individuals, each enjoying being themselves in their lives, not worried about needing something from the other, sharing their lives and their love together. They aren't worried about what they have to "offer", because what they have is themselves, total beings just loving being themselves, regardless of whether they're in a relationship or not.

Agreed! This is well put and I wouldn't add a thing! I just want to reinforce everything in this post. It seems simple but it may not be, depending upon where you are in the process of getting to know yourself and accepting yourself, faults included. We all have them, you know

[Angela]

I also agree with Joely, whole-heartedly. If you are able to Be Love, then you've no doubt about whether you love yourself or are ready to be in a loving, long-term mutually beneficial relationship (LLTMBR).

[Rockchick26]

This really baffles me LOL Because some of the things you guys said,i feel that does describe me. Like i can walk down the street and see the beautiful sunrise and smile and just feel so full of love. I already feel love for life,in fact on my Myspace right now,my current status says "lovin' music and life" lol If i need so much from other people,how come i am able to immerse myself in MY world,alone,doing the things i love,and be happy?
This description of loving yourself leads me to the conclusion that nobody i know loves themselves then,because everyone i know seeks acceptance and love from other people. Thats WHY people go out looking for somone to hook up with,or goes on dating sites. So basically EVERYONE that is on a dating site or actively looking for a partner,that means they dont love themselves?

[eblight]

One way of knowing whether you love yourself is you accept yourself just the way you are.

People will always be telling you to do this or think that. That's just part of life. Others will always have their own opinions.

When you do what's right for you without impinging on someone else's freedom then that is a sure sign that you are loving yourself.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by eblight

One way of knowing whether you love yourself is you accept yourself just the way you are.

People will always be telling you to do this or think that. That's just part of life. Others will always have their own opinions.

When you do what's right for you without impinging on someone else's freedom then that is a sure sign that you are loving yourself.

That fits me to a T! I have a huge independent streak. Its pretty common for my friends and family and co workers to ask me why i do something a certain way or why i am the way i am,and after i explain,they either laugh at me,make fun of me,or try to change me. I think thats WHY i'm so independent because i cant stand people telling me how i should live or how i should act. People tell me i'm different and strange all the time because i dont conform or fit in. I'm always having to defend myself in almost any situation.

[birajc]

Hi friend,

I think I can relate to what you are saying.I have also wondered at times , what being in love with yourself is , how to do it, what does that state of being exactly feels like I never knew . I appreciate what people have suggested about loving yourself , but it sounds exactly like it is in the books, but how to do it is a topic not discussed much.

From my experiences I would like to suggest a few things.

To make any change you got to keep a manual which you need to follow like the Bible, I suggest you read The seven habits of highly effective people and follow it like a manual.

1st Goal should be - Become Independent.What does that mean that also means loving yourself? How to do it ?

To do it you have to consider yourself as two persons, a parent and a child.
If someone comes and abuses your child you got to protect him from feeling outrightly bad, judge the complaints and if necessary help him to slowly improve on his weakness.If someone tries to give flattering comments to your child , you need to keep him grounded, as you know they are of no good. As a parent you got to give some time to your child to hear his event of the day and all the good things he did. You also got to tell him good and motivating stories all the time to keep him motivated to keep trying harder to be a good human later in life.Be his friend and guide. Now doesn't that sound like a loving relationship between the two people within you , the parent and the child, the child is the conscious mind , the parent is the super conscious mind, when we can bridge a relationship between them an unending stream of love flows from the universe to us and it feels great.

2nd goal is InterDependence - can come only after independence when others will love you. It is something like when you are in the light the world follows , when you are in the dark even your shadow doesn't follow you.

Now some things that needs to be done with Goal 1 are as follows:

You need to find out what makes you feel successful ?

Do you feel successful because your being in this world has made the life of at least one person on this planet easier.Is it because of that everyone around you bestows upon you the honor for your services of your life.

Or you feel successful because you feel yourself to be superior to others ?

If the second is true you are in a dangerous territory( I am saying this coz you said I feel I have got more to offer as a girlfriend than most girls,which makes me feel the following steps will be helpful for you).

Develop a sense that all other humans are as vulnerable as you , they also feel happy , sad, anger , shy, nervous , alone and , the need to be loved like you , in fact they are all a part of you. Every morning close your eyes for 5 minutes and see a network with which you connect to them all your friends, relatives, colleauges, as you breath in you take all their love in individually , you should see their face smiling, you breath out and give them your love .
feel equal to others.

Try to smile all through the day.

Never talk bad of others behind their back. find good things in others all the time. Make it an objective to find always the goodness of every human you meet and know and ignore anything else.

Keep away from any arguments or debates.Please don't do it. Resist the urge to argue over anything.

And finally add humor to your life. read a lot of jokes to yourself. Collect a lot of jokes. Tell a lot of jokes to others and enjoy yourself.

All steps i noted for you , if you follow to the word I bet will bring you a lot of happiness.

Lets do it together

Cheers

Biraj B Choudhury

[bellemeadows]

Hi friend,

I think I can relate to what you are saying.I have also wondered at times , what being in love with yourself is , how to do it, what does that state of being exactly feels like I never knew . I appreciate what people have suggested about loving yourself , but it sounds exactly like it is in the books, but how to do it is a topic not discussed much.

From my experiences I would like to suggest a few things.

To make any change you got to keep a manual which you need to follow like the Bible, I suggest you read The seven habits of highly effective people and follow it like a manual.

1st Goal should be - Become Independent.What does that mean that also means loving yourself? How to do it ?

To do it you have to consider yourself as two persons, a parent and a child.
If someone comes and abuses your child you got to protect him from feeling outrightly bad, judge the complaints and if necessary help him to slowly improve on his weakness.If someone tries to give flattering comments to your child , you need to keep him grounded, as you know they are of no good. As a parent you got to give some time to your child to hear his event of the day and all the good things he did. You also got to tell him good and motivating stories all the time to keep him motivated to keep trying harder to be a good human later in life.Be his friend and guide. Now doesn't that sound like a loving relationship between the two people within you , the parent and the child, the child is the conscious mind , the parent is the super conscious mind, when we can bridge a relationship between them an unending stream of love flows from the universe to us and it feels great.

2nd goal is InterDependence - can come only after independence when others will love you. It is something like when you are in the light the world follows , when you are in the dark even your shadow doesn't follow you.

Now some things that needs to be done with Goal 1 are as follows:

You need to find out what makes you feel successful ?

Do you feel successful because your being in this world has made the life of at least one person on this planet easier.Is it because of that everyone around you bestows upon you the honor for your services of your life.

Or you feel successful because you feel yourself to be superior to others ?

If the second is true you are in a dangerous territory( I am saying this coz you said I feel I have got more to offer as a girlfriend than most girls,which makes me feel the following steps will be helpful for you).

Develop a sense that all other humans are as vulnerable as you , they also feel happy , sad, anger , shy, nervous , alone and , the need to be loved like you , in fact they are all a part of you. Every morning close your eyes for 5 minutes and see a network with which you connect to them all your friends, relatives, colleauges, as you breath in you take all their love in individually , you should see their face smiling, you breath out and give them your love .
feel equal to others.

Try to smile all through the day.

Never talk bad of others behind their back. find good things in others all the time. Make it an objective to find always the goodness of every human you meet and know and ignore anything else.

Keep away from any arguments or debates.Please don't do it. Resist the urge to argue over anything.

And finally add humor to your life. read a lot of jokes to yourself. Collect a lot of jokes. Tell a lot of jokes to others and enjoy yourself.

All steps i noted for you , if you follow to the word I bet will bring you a lot of happiness.

Lets do it together

Cheers

Biraj B Choudhury

Biraj -- count me in!!!! What a beautiful post. I agree most wholeheartedly with everything you've said here, and I soooo appreciate you sharing.

So count me in. And thank you most heartily for providing this input.

Blessings to you, Belle

[ZHereford]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Is it possible to not really love yourself but just think you do? Like people tell me i have to love myself before i can attract the right relationship,and i thought i did love myself so i thought i was ready.

Hi Rockchick,

I write about this subject extensively beginning with a developing a healthy self-concept. Needless to say there's more to it than meets the eye. A large part of it is awareness of who you are, what you want, and what you value, which are the first steps to establishing a solid personal foundation.

Here are a couple of articles that may clarify this for you:

Love Yourself

Healthy Personal Boundaries & How to Establish Them

[Freelancer]

I honestly don't know how to help you. A lot of people before me gave advice but somehow it feels to general. Like extremely difficult to implement unless you already experienced that beautifull state of love (its awesome).

All I can suggest is listening to Eckhart Tolle or reading his books, its not specifically about relationships but it can help to put your mind in the right place.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Is it possible to not really love yourself but just think you do?

What is love? Service? Forgiveness? Kindness? Acceptance?

Do you forgive yourself when you make mistakes? Are you kind to yourself? Do you accept yourself for who you are? Do you serve yourself by investing in your mental/physical/social/etc health?

If so, then yes you do love yourself!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by birajc

To make any change you got to keep a manual which you need to follow like the Bible, I suggest you read The seven habits of highly effective people and follow it like a manual.
Do you feel successful because your being in this world has made the life of at least one person on this planet easier.Is it because of that everyone around you bestows upon you the honor for your services of your life.
Or you feel successful because you feel yourself to be superior to others ?
If the second is true you are in a dangerous territory( I am saying this coz you said I feel I have got more to offer as a girlfriend than most girls,which makes me feel the following steps will be helpful for you).
Never talk bad of others behind their back. find good things in others all the time. Make it an objective to find always the goodness of every human you meet and know and ignore anything else.
Keep away from any arguments or debates.Please don't do it. Resist the urge to argue over anything.
And finally add humor to your life. read a lot of jokes to yourself. Collect a lot of jokes. Tell a lot of jokes to others and enjoy yourself.

I have a lot to comment on here! Forgive me that this is all one paragraph but i havent figured out yet how to space my comments apart. I'll check for that book next time i'm at the bookstore. About the "why i feel successful" question,i dont think i'm SUPERIOR to others as much as i just feel like i know how to love the right way. Like i see couples that get mad about stupid things,and i wouldn't do that. Or i see girls that need drama in their lives and have to cause a scene if their bf pisses them off,but i wouldn't do that. I would love MATURELY and i would COMMUNICATE and i would be honest,something i rarely see in other people. Still i know i'm not superior as a human,i just am a different type of person,i guess. About the next thing...i never talk bad about others behind their back,in fact at my job,99% of the people there are gossipy whiny old women,all they do is gossip about each other. When they do it,i either tune them out,or listen,smile,nod,and then i just dont fan the flames. I dont know why people claim to be friends with someone yet they talk behind their back! There's only one other lady there who isnt like that and whenever the others are doing their backstabbing,me and her look at each other and smile because at least we know that we are not alone. About the argument thing,i actually avoid confrontations and arguments more than anybody i know. Some of you in here might disagree because i usually have to defend myself about something and they think i'm arguing,but honestly i've never raised my voice to anyone EVER in my life,in fact sometimes people dont beleive me when i tell them i've never gotten into a fight or argument with anyone,not a serious one anyway. And when someone is yelling at me or something,i still dont yell back. Some say that is bad,but i think keeping your cool and keeping the peace is more important than getting angry even if it does feel better. And the humor thing,i definately get enough of that in! Every day i watch Family Guy which makes me laugh harder than anything! I read the comics and i read jokes people forward me. I love going to comedy clubs and watching stand up comedians on tv. I definately lean more towards the funny side of life than the serious.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

...i never talk bad about others behind their back, in fact at my job, 99% of the people there are gossipy whiny old women, all they do is gossip about each other...

Rockchick, Rockchick, Rockchick.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, Rockchick, Rockchick.

lol what? By describing these women does that mean i'm backstabbing them? Gosh if you think i'm bad,you should hear them LOL

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

i never talk bad about others behind their back.

....Never, ever, ever! Except when you do.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

....Never, ever, ever! Except when you do.

I have a feeling this is another case of "i cant put my thoughts into the correct words"...how would you have said it,without sounding like you were backstabbing them? To me,backstabbing is like "oh ___ is such a ♥♥♥♥♥,she is always brown-nosing the boss" I NEVER say things like that! Explaining to someone else that my co-workers are gossipy,i dont know any other way to say that.

[Angela]

Calling them "gossipy, whiny old women" doesn't strike you as bad-mouthing? It sounds extremely negative, judgemental, and dismissive to me. Additionally, it sounds gossipy, whiny, and old.

[beel]

Originally Posted by Angela

Calling them "gossipy, whiny old women" doesn't strike you as bad-mouthing? It sounds extremely negative, judgemental, and dismissive to me. Additionally, it sounds gossipy, whiny, and old.

exactly angela, you are always the beacon of wisdom and truth! i thought the same thing when i read that post last night but its starting to feel like beating a dead horse to respond. rockchick, its incredibly frustrating to read your posts and see your obvious lack of self-awareness. no one else can make you see it if you are unwilling to.

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Gosh if you think i'm bad,you should hear them LOL

you perceiving them to have worse behavior does not negate your own behavior.

[Angela]

Well, I love being a beacon of wisdom and truth for you! And -- I think it's like the Chado thing. If we're provoked to an emotional response -- like frustration or irritation -- then there is something for you and me to get out of this, if we want to live a life we love. There's something of ourselves we're seeing in Rockchick, something we're going round and round about, that we haven't been allowing in.

I remember my mom and my girlfriends, so frustrated and irritated when I wouldn't see what they could see so clearly about my relationship with my rockstar boyfriend. "But I LOVE him!" I would cry, the little cartoon angsty sweat beads coming out of my head. They would advise me and advise me, and just -- ggguuuhhhh! be so frustrated that I would keep thinking thoughts that didn't feel good, continuing to hold on so tightly to what I wanted to believe. Of course I had to suffer and I had to get what there was to get and I had to go through it all in my own time. Thank heavens I did, so that I could get to where I am now in my relationship with Danger Man, and in my life.

When were upset, it's all about us -- it's all a reflection! D'oh! This personal development stuff can be so exhausting sometimes, can't it!

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Calling them "gossipy, whiny old women" doesn't strike you as bad-mouthing? It sounds extremely negative, judgemental, and dismissive to me. Additionally, it sounds gossipy, whiny, and old.

Well i am not TRYING to badmouth them,i'm just describing them any way i know how. They ARE older than me,none of them are younger than 50. They ARE whiny,even my bosses joke around with me about it cuz everyone knows how they are. Conversation is always about who is doing what,and why,always everyone else's lives but their own,because they have none! Thats why i'm so quiet because i dont partake in gossiping,thats why i have few friends there because they dont have normal conversations,they just gossip. I dont know how else to explain this.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Well, I love being a beacon of wisdom and truth for you! And -- I think it's like the Chado thing. If we're provoked to an emotional response -- like frustration or irritation -- then there is something for you and me to get out of this, if we want to live a life we love. There's something of ourselves we're seeing in Rockchick, something we're going round and round about, that we haven't been allowing in.

I remember my mom and my girlfriends, so frustrated and irritated when I wouldn't see what they could see so clearly about my relationship with my rockstar boyfriend. "But I LOVE him!" I would cry, the little cartoon angsty sweat beads coming out of my head. They would advise me and advise me, and just -- ggguuuhhhh! be so frustrated that I would keep thinking thoughts that didn't feel good, continuing to hold on so tightly to what I wanted to believe. Of course I had to suffer and I had to get what there was to get and I had to go through it all in my own time. Thank heavens I did, so that I could get to where I am now in my relationship with Danger Man, and in my life.

When were upset, it's all about us -- it's all a reflection! D'oh! This personal development stuff can be so exhausting sometimes, can't it!

You had a rockstar boyfriend? :-D Seems we have something in common now LOL (or used to,maybe)...but ok about the rest of your post...i do realize you guys are frustrated with me and i'm honestly trying to find out what it is that i'm not realizing,i mean in this case obviously you guys say i'm gossipy by explaining these women to you,but someone please tell me how else am i supposed to word it then LOL I just wanted you guys to know why i have no friends at my job (except that one nice lady),because i AM NOT LIKE THEM! I'm only DESCRIBING them so you can understand the kind of people i work with. The guy i used to live with,he was my best friend,he used to work there too but he quit because it was so bad,and after he quit,he asked me how i can stand working with those negative people all the time. I told him i just tune them out,basically. If i was like them,wouldn't i join in?

[Angela]

Rockchick, other people are not the reason you have a hard time making friends.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

You had a rockstar boyfriend? :-D Seems we have something in common now LOL (or used to,maybe)...but ok about the rest of your post...i do realize you guys are frustrated with me and i'm honestly trying to find out what it is that i'm not realizing,i mean in this case obviously you guys say i'm gossipy by explaining these women to you,but someone please tell me how else am i supposed to word it then LOL I just wanted you guys to know why i have no friends at my job (except that one nice lady),because i AM NOT LIKE THEM! I'm only DESCRIBING them so you can understand the kind of people i work with. The guy i used to live with,he was my best friend,he used to work there too but he quit because it was so bad,and after he quit,he asked me how i can stand working with those negative people all the time. I told him i just tune them out,basically. If i was like them,wouldn't i join in?

I'm not sure if you can relate to this but... I'm trying to get over the unrealistic expectation that everyone should be my friend. Everyone should like me etc, etc.

At work, I try to be nice to everybody. If I become a friendly co-worker, great. If I become an occasional buddy, great. If I become a true friend, great. If I'm none of those, then that's fine too because the job fulfills other desires (money desire, satisfaction of solving problems, etc). If there were some serious personality conflicts or other issues then I would choose to leave.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Rockchick, other people are not the reason you have a hard time making friends.

I didnt say they were,i just explained why i'm not friends with my co workers because i have nothing in common with them and i dont like how they gossip. I KNOW i have a hard time making friends because i am shy and when i do talk,i usually cant think of anything interesting to say. I've been quiet all my life. When i was real young,i would just sit and read books instead of playing with my cousins. I always hid into my own little world,i didn't need anyone else. Then when i discovered music,that was all i wanted to do was sit and listen to that. I didnt develop many social skills cuz the only friends i had were also into music so i only talked to them,pretty much.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by z1freeride

I'm not sure if you can relate to this but... I'm trying to get over the unrealistic expectation that everyone should be my friend. Everyone should like me etc, etc.

At work, I try to be nice to everybody. If I become a friendly co-worker, great. If I become an occasional buddy, great. If I become a true friend, great. If I'm none of those, then that's fine too because the job fulfills other desires (money desire, satisfaction of solving problems, etc). If there were some serious personality conflicts or other issues then I would choose to leave.

I understand not everyone will like me. and i won't like everyone either. I feel lucky i have one friend there. The rest dont matter,they're merely co workers. But it isnt enough to make me leave,its not like i have serious issues with them. but yeah i get what youre saying,and i'm not at all concerned with WHY i'm not friends with them.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

I KNOW i have a hard time making friends because i am shy and when i do talk,i usually cant think of anything interesting to say.

To be interesting, be interested.

If you want to be overlooked and alone, think and talk only about yourself, and when you do talk about others, be catty.

that's the golden rule (the other one!)

[birajc]

Hi Rockchick,

You are a very nice human being!!! No doubt about that .

But if we need to get some skills we have to find out what we want to achieve, how to do it, and then do the act.It is like the Gym. 1st 3 months you can carry only 10 ks of load, then slowly 20, then slowly 30, and then more. Be patient.
So you can do as I am doing , follow "the seven habits of highly effective people" and keep working on the skills we hope to desire.

Remember in my last post I said lets do it together.Because I am doing the same thing. Let us try and become independent human beings, lets build the bridge between our conscious and super conscious minds. Lets tap the unlimited potential that lies in all of us.

So come on, lets do it together.

Cheers

[birajc]

Originally Posted by Angela

To be interesting, be interested.

If you want to be overlooked and alone, think and talk only about yourself, and when you do talk about others, be catty.

that's the golden rule (the other one!)

Angela very well said, I am writing these in my mind to be remembered for ever.