How do you know if you truly love yourself?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

To be interesting, be interested.

If you want to be overlooked and alone, think and talk only about yourself, and when you do talk about others, be catty.

that's the golden rule (the other one!)

I know about this rule,i read that in almost every book i have about how to talk to people and make friends. Something is stopping me though,i know i should ask them questions but it feels like i'm not being myself then,and they'll think i'm up to something. I also feel sometimes when i'm talking about them so much that it appears i'm TOO into them,like i have no life myself so i have to talk about theirs. I know that isnt right but,its just how i feel. I have no problem talking to people i KNOW about themselves,but when i first meet someone,thats when i have a hard time focusing on them. Gosh i bet thats it! Wow i'm realizing all these reasons why i dont connect with people...i'm so glad i'm learning in here,i feel like i'm in therapy! :-)

[Angela]

Exactly, Rockchick; I think you've hit the nail on the head. You think you're focusing on the other person during these conversations, but really it's me-me-me-me-me you're thinking about: "what are they going to think about ME? I'm no being myself! It looks like I'm too into them, like I have no life! Me-me-me-me-me!!!"

All that self-absorbed angst costs you so much energy! How much easier it is to just ask, "How do you know our host? What's going on with you? What are you interested in these days?"

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

i never talk bad about others behind their back,in fact at my job,99% of the people there are gossipy whiny old women,all they do is gossip about each other. When they do it,i either tune them out,or listen,smile,nod,and then i just dont fan the flames. I dont know why people claim to be friends with someone yet they talk behind their back! There's only one other lady there who isnt like that and whenever the others are doing their backstabbing,me and her look at each other and smile because at least we know that we are not alone.

I'm surprised this part made waves. It's almost like you got judged for saying you can recognize gossip? I mean, what would the other posters do about seeing people talk about others' in that way? What would you have Rockchick do? Don't you guys think she is handling that situation properly by being able to not engage with them?

I read somewhere that one way to raise your vibe is to not talk in the 3rd person about anyone. That's an extreme case but then I guess that would include not talking about those that do talk in the 3rd person. still...

[Angela]

"Gossipy, whiny old women" sounds very negative and judgemental to my ear, as I've said. I think others agree. But if you don't feel that way, then you've found the perfect person to gossip, whine, and act old with! Everybody wins.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

Exactly, Rockchick; I think you've hit the nail on the head. You think you're focusing on the other person during these conversations, but really it's me-me-me-me-me you're thinking about: "what are they going to think about ME? I'm no being myself! It looks like I'm too into them, like I have no life! Me-me-me-me-me!!!"

All that self-absorbed angst costs you so much energy! How much easier it is to just ask, "How do you know our host? What's going on with you? What are you interested in these days?"

Well while i'm talking to them,i dont feel like i'm thinking about myself,i just feel fake. I dont normally act interested in people i'm not interested in,so,thats why it feels fake. I dont know what it is,but i just feel wierd when first meeting someone,because at first obviously i dont know them but i have to act like i like them already,and that is hard for me. So i act friendly and i smile and everything but it just seems wierd to me to suddenly start asking them a million questions about them. Maybe its cuz i'm not a big question asker to begin with. i dont even ask my friends questions. I LOVE conversations that just flow,like a constant exchange of ideas. I dont like questions and answers,it seems like a job interview then. I guess thats why i dont like dating because it feels too much like a job interview and its not loose and casual enough. I dont like to have to "pass a test" when i'm meeting someone,or test them. I just like to casually chat about something that is going on,or something we have in common. I kinda like friendships to happen by accident,i dont want to go out and find someone and create a friendship because i just want a friend. I want it to happen naturally,not force it. This is how i feel about dating guys too. Thats why the whole meeting new people experience usually sucks for me cuz it doesnt happen in a way that makes me comfortable.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

I'm surprised this part made waves. It's almost like you got judged for saying you can recognize gossip? I mean, what would the other posters do about seeing people talk about others' in that way? What would you have Rockchick do? Don't you guys think she is handling that situation properly by being able to not engage with them?

I read somewhere that one way to raise your vibe is to not talk in the 3rd person about anyone. That's an extreme case but then I guess that would include not talking about those that do talk in the 3rd person. still...

Exactly! Thats all i was doing was stating a fact that i observe gossip and i dont make myself a part of it. Maybe i just worded it horribly LOL (one of my flaws) I guess my mouth (and fingers) move faster than my brain and i say or type things before i realize how they sound.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Is it possible to not really love yourself but just think you do?

I realized I reacted to the thread instead of keeping to the topic. This is an important question. "How do you love yourself?" Who doesn't wonder that? And does just wondering that really mean you don't love yourself? I'd say no. It means you are in the process of loving yourself more. To tell someone, that asks this question, that means they don't love themselves - well why is that? I don't get that logic. Someone asking how to know if you love yourself means they don't? Really? Why?

One thing I'd say that is a clue about self love is when you feel like you want to share yourself with others, then you are loving yourself. That would mean you are comfortable in your own skin and also see that you have something to offer, see yourself as worthy.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well while i'm talking to them,i dont feel like i'm thinking about myself,i just feel fake. I dont normally act interested in people i'm not interested in,so,thats why it feels fake. I dont know what it is,but i just feel wierd when first meeting someone,because at first obviously i dont know them but i have to act like i like them already,and that is hard for me. So i act friendly and i smile and everything but it just seems wierd to me to suddenly start asking them a million questions about them. Maybe its cuz i'm not a big question asker to begin with. i dont even ask my friends questions. I LOVE conversations that just flow,like a constant exchange of ideas. I dont like questions and answers,it seems like a job interview then. I guess thats why i dont like dating because it feels too much like a job interview and its not loose and casual enough. I dont like to have to "pass a test" when i'm meeting someone,or test them. I just like to casually chat about something that is going on,or something we have in common. I kinda like friendships to happen by accident,i dont want to go out and find someone and create a friendship because i just want a friend. I want it to happen naturally,not force it. This is how i feel about dating guys too. Thats why the whole meeting new people experience usually sucks for me cuz it doesnt happen in a way that makes me comfortable.

this is more "Me me me me me me me me me me me me MEEEEEEE!!!!!" Doesn't it get exhausting for you?

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by Angela

this is more "Me me me me me me me me me me me me MEEEEEEE!!!!!" Doesn't it get exhausting for you?

How can it feel exhausting when i dont see it as being selfish? I am only stating that i like to meet people in a casual manner,and i dont like it to be forced or feel like its a test. How is that all about me? I want it to be EQUAL,thats why i love equal conversations where both people are just exchanging thoughts,its so much more relaxed! How is it equal if i'm focusing on them and they're focusing on themselves too?

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Joely

If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't be asking the question. You say "I WANT to love", which is very different from being in a state of loving. You feel the need to qualify why you think you'd be suitable to somebody else, but you give away your need to be with somebody else to demonstrate that you're lovable. If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't worry about the fact that you're not in a relationship, that you can't attract love, because you'd be attracting it to yourself all the time.

I guess I'm full of reactions to this. So then I get to ask myself why but that's for me.

Yet, man oh man. It almost seems like this post is dumping on Rockchick. Taking parts out of context and taking the benefit of the doubt in the wrong direction, perhaps. We all are wonderful psychoanalysts on this board, ha? Me included *hehe*. I should hold my tongue. I'm poking fun at us all that think we know how to helps someone as they post a bit and we look at some words and take it into whatever direction seems to fit (and that direction is colored by the poster's own experiences perhaps).

If you truly loved yourself, you wouldn't worry about not being in a relationship. Really? You mean people that love themselves have no desire to be in a relationship? I don't get it. That a sign of loving yourself is that you attract relationships? Really? There are tons of people that attract relationships that are struggling with loving themselves.

Why does 'I WANT to love' mean not being in a state of love? That's jumping the context into the pessimistic direction. I'd think she is just saying that to mean, she's looking for a relationship.

[Angela]

Well, Rockchick, I'm exhausted by it, even though it appears you never will be!

Good luck with it all -- I hope you get everything you want.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

I guess I'm full of reactions to this.

I'm glad of that. Anything that provokes a strong reaction is a good starting point to understand why we react that way!

I've personally found it incredibly informative and a great growth experience to read Rockchick's posts. I can see many places where I've struggled in the past, and places where I still struggle now. I wish her all the best and I really hope she does find everything she wants in life. I certainly wouldn't "dump" on her at all. I can only speak from experience. The more I've allowed myself to be OK with who I am - whoever that happens to be - the easier I've found it to make friends, build relationships and progress with my life. If I could say anything to Rockchick it would be that the more you relax and let go, allow yourself to be, and don't worry about the things you don't have in your life, the more easily they come to you.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by wolfgang

You mean people that love themselves have no desire to be in a relationship? I don't get it. That a sign of loving yourself is that you attract relationships? Really? There are tons of people that attract relationships that are struggling with loving themselves.

This is what i've been baffled about since this all started! But i was told i was comparing myself to others and i shouldn't do that. But that isnt what i'm doing,i want to know,ok,not even me,lets take two other people. Person #1 hates themselves and they abuse others and are very negative in general. Person #2 knows they have issues but is generally more of a positive happy loving person than person #1. Yet for some reason,Person #1 has relationships throughout their whole life,while person #2 is told they have to try a few different things before they can attract someone! It doesnt make sense,and it has nothing to do with me! If you need to love yourself to attract love,how can all these people with low self esteem attract love at all?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

Well while i'm talking to them,i dont feel like i'm thinking about myself,i just feel fake. I dont normally act interested in people i'm not interested in,so,thats why it feels fake. I dont know what it is,but i just feel wierd when first meeting someone,because at first obviously i dont know them but i have to act like i like them already,and that is hard for me. So i act friendly and i smile and everything but it just seems wierd to me to suddenly start asking them a million questions about them. Maybe its cuz i'm not a big question asker to begin with. i dont even ask my friends questions. I LOVE conversations that just flow,like a constant exchange of ideas. I dont like questions and answers,it seems like a job interview then. I guess thats why i dont like dating because it feels too much like a job interview and its not loose and casual enough. I dont like to have to "pass a test" when i'm meeting someone,or test them. I just like to casually chat about something that is going on,or something we have in common. I kinda like friendships to happen by accident,i dont want to go out and find someone and create a friendship because i just want a friend. I want it to happen naturally,not force it. This is how i feel about dating guys too. Thats why the whole meeting new people experience usually sucks for me cuz it doesnt happen in a way that makes me comfortable.

It sounds like you have a lot of beliefs about how relationships and friendships are supposed to start and be conducted. I can relate since I am working on the same issue. How are all of those requirements working for you?

What would happen if you let go of all of those pre-conceived notions about what it means to meet and talk with people a certain way? What would happen if instead of putting restrictions on the way you meet people you were instead open to new possibilities?

I have to agree that looking at your posts from an outside POV, you seem very attached to your ideas about what's right and wrong and more than a little unwilling to surrender those and try on a new possibility. I know this because it's reflecting back to me my own closed nature. When several different people tell you the same thing (that you are not hearing them or accepting what they are saying) you can bet that they are right. It doesn't make it any easier to accept, but it lets you know where you may be stuck. As someone I know used to say "if three people call you a donkey, buy a saddle."

Thanks for posting. It's really showing me some things I need to work on.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

This is what i've been baffled about since this all started! But i was told i was comparing myself to others and i shouldn't do that. But that isnt what i'm doing,i want to know,ok,not even me,lets take two other people. Person #1 hates themselves and they abuse others and are very negative in general. Person #2 knows they have issues but is generally more of a positive happy loving person than person #1. Yet for some reason,Person #1 has relationships throughout their whole life,while person #2 is told they have to try a few different things before they can attract someone! It doesnt make sense,and it has nothing to do with me! If you need to love yourself to attract love,how can all these people with low self esteem attract love at all?

There are relationships and relationships. Just because it's a relationship doesn't mean it's going to be a good one. In fact, if it's Person 1 and they're abusive, that probably means the relationship relies on abuser/victim positions. Would you like a relationship like that? I attracted people when my self-esteem was in the dirt, but none of those relationships came anywhere close to functional, let alone the LLTMBR that Angela speaks of.

I've read all your posts, Rockchick, and I can see this is a big issue for you right now. And it is, it's there for all of us in some form or another. I think all I meant in my first post to you was "accept yourself as you are and people will accept you as you are, and you'll find love." You don't have to be a shining beacon of light, the next Angelina Jolie or whatever. You can be you, and that's more than good enough to be in a relationship or out of one. In LOA terms it's like all of this posting about why you're not in a relationship is attracting more of you not being in a relationship. What I see in your posts is you wondering why you don't have a relationship when you want one. Accept that you don't, that's the first step. Just say, "OK, I'm single. Let's enjoy this!"

You don't have to change to be loved. You can just be you, whatever that means to you. When you love yourself, you accept yourself as you are, even the things you don't like. It's a bizarre truth that the more you accept yourself, the more others will too.

I wish you all the best.

J x

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by Rockchick26

This is what i've been baffled about since this all started! But i was told i was comparing myself to others and i shouldn't do that. But that isnt what i'm doing,i want to know,ok,not even me,lets take two other people. Person #1 hates themselves and they abuse others and are very negative in general. Person #2 knows they have issues but is generally more of a positive happy loving person than person #1. Yet for some reason,Person #1 has relationships throughout their whole life,while person #2 is told they have to try a few different things before they can attract someone! It doesnt make sense,and it has nothing to do with me! If you need to love yourself to attract love,how can all these people with low self esteem attract love at all?

Actually, I think, people get attracted to each other with dysfunctional parts. That no one is perfect and often the imperfections are what bring two people together. It's classic childhood stuff. I would think that it's a scale on one end the #1 person and the other the #2. And then - I don't see why one or the other makes or gets into relationships more than the other. I don't think there's a correlation there. What correlates is what ends up being the main style of relating.

I always thought it better to learn from relationships instead of trying to be perfect first then find someone. So then, even as I post, find love with yourself and expand it - I'm not sure what I meant by that. I think I was being a parrot for what is the typical saying about attracting relationships.

However, now I can clarify loving yourself as loving yourself is going to possibly attract the loving kind of relationship that brings more ability to have fun instead of drama. Then we need to understand what loving yourself is, if that's what we want.

So can we conclude that - attracting a loving relationship requires some level of loving yourself? But then, maybe loving yourself is not what attracts someone else. Maybe it's other stuff. And what ever level you have of loving yourself correlates to how much drama will exist in a relationship. More self love, acceptance, feeling ok about yourself, less drama?

[smartile]

Rockchick26,

In reply to your question,

How do you know if you truly love yourself?

you truly love others. The only way you can love yourself is if you express your love for others. Expressing your anger and frustration for others mirrors your frustration and anger for yourself.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by {aspiring_to_clarity}

It sounds like you have a lot of beliefs about how relationships and friendships are supposed to start and be conducted. I can relate since I am working on the same issue. How are all of those requirements working for you?

What would happen if you let go of all of those pre-conceived notions about what it means to meet and talk with people a certain way? What would happen if instead of putting restrictions on the way you meet people you were instead open to new possibilities?

I have to agree that looking at your posts from an outside POV, you seem very attached to your ideas about what's right and wrong and more than a little unwilling to surrender those and try on a new possibility. I know this because it's reflecting back to me my own closed nature. When several different people tell you the same thing (that you are not hearing them or accepting what they are saying) you can bet that they are right. It doesn't make it any easier to accept, but it lets you know where you may be stuck. As someone I know used to say "if three people call you a donkey, buy a saddle."

Thanks for posting. It's really showing me some things I need to work on.

Well,i dont think relationships are SUPPOSED to go one way or another,i just feel WAY more comfortable when they are more casual and laid back. It works out great when it happens casually,but it cant happen like that every time of course. And if i was open as far as having it start different ways,thats still the same as now,it happens,and i dont like it LOL I still deal with it but it usually puts some wierd tension on it and then its wierd from the start. This is why i feel like i dont fit in,because most people don't agree with me on stuff. But if i'm supposed to be learning how to love myself,what good would it do me to change all my views so i'm just like everyone else? Besides,the way i like relationships to start is not something i can change,thats like trying to change what your favorite color is.

[Rockchick26]

Originally Posted by smartile

Rockchick26,

In reply to your question,



you truly love others. The only way you can love yourself is if you express your love for others. Expressing your anger and frustration for others mirrors your frustration and anger for yourself.

Well i DO love others. Not ALL others,of course,but who does? I love people that i'm close to,i love my family and my friends. As far as strangers go,i respect them and view them as human just like me,whatever the word for that is. I guess its a different form of love.