Separating Self-Worth from Material Worth

[Michelle]

Lately, I've noticed just how much my self worth/self esteem is tied to how much money or nice stuff I have. This bothers me. I know it must be possible to feel worthy without needing the stuff. How does one learn this?

[Alvin]

Talk about serendipity! A comment left on my blog by Alvaro of Sharpminds just recently mentioned this:

Hi Kloudiia,

Glad you enjoy it. One needs to develop strong roots in his or personal fertile grounds to sustain a rich life that does not surrender to artificial constructs such as thinking in dollars for what one “is worth”. What a joke, to say someone is worth $xyz.

Are we happy? are we adding to our own lives, and to the lives of other people? then, we are simply worth existing.

[dorothy hanna]

A key to self worth, is to cease judging. Cease judging materialism, and those materialistic. See the good, and the goodness of. Be merciful, and kind. All are at various levels of personal development. If you cannot cease judging, first try suspending judgement.

[Steve Pavlina]

This might sound strange, but one thing that helped me tremendously was to seriously think about what I'll do after I'm dead -- no more possessions to speak of. That helped me see just how temporary money is and how pointless it is to root myself to it.

Ironically, the less attached I became to money, the more I seemed to attract.

Instead of focusing on making money for myself, I starting thinking of money as a strategic resource I can use to expand my purpose to help people grow. To me that's far more motivating than buying a bunch of stuff I don't need. It's more important that money flows through me than at me.

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by Alvin

Talk about serendipity! A comment left on my blog by Alvaro of Sharpminds just recently mentioned this:

Oh! Nice ride along the waves with my name conveniently there haha

I remember this quote that says something like this:

When I'm penniless, I'm broke, but not poor ...

Self-worth is attached to how rich we live our lives. Mine is getting richer, though my money is not increasing at the same rate as that!

[Michelle]

Thank you guys. It still isn't clear to me, but I appreciate the insights just the same.

I've heard several people say that materialism, consumerism and debt are the result of a spiritual crisis. My brain gets that this makes sense (that what happens in the physical world reflects one's inner world), but I don't feel /understand the crisis in me yet (which is what I want).

Does this mean that, like Steve said, one must accept that death will come and that material stuff will be left behind? There must be more to it. I know I am going to die, am well on my way to living purposefully, and yet I still feel less worthy because of having less money. When I get a new possession or can shop, I feel worthy.

Now, I am wondering what shopping represents on a spiritual level? What do I need to do to get the fulfillment and self-worth I feel while shopping in a spiritual way?

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I think you're on to it Michelle! If having money to go shopping makes you feel worthy, what is it about the money? Is it that someone approved of you enough to give you the money? Is it because you did a good job? How do you associate the money/possessions with your self-worth?

Free joy to you!
Hazel

[Dating Specialist]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

I think you're on to it Michelle! If having money to go shopping makes you feel worthy, what is it about the money? Is it that someone approved of you enough to give you the money? Is it because you did a good job? How do you associate the money/possessions with your self-worth?

Free joy to you!
Hazel

Yeah Hazel. Good point you have there.

I guess it's the value we attach money to. Do you see money as a means to your goals, or is money the goal itself (usually isn't)?

What can money bring you? For me, I know what I want to do with the money that I'm going to attract into my life, very similar to what Steve has intended for it. At the same time, I'd also like the money for the kind of lifestyle I want.

Is it a sense of worthiness or some other form of satisfaction?

[fourthdan]

Well Michelle, you're kind of right - lots of religions like hinduism and buddhism try to indicate that materialistic desires are a road that leads away from salvation and enlightenment. Which is kind of true in some cases where people turn thier lives about becoming rich - and thier entire lives become repititive cycles in the rat race to become "rich". But they are more focussed about "living rich" than "staying rich".

What steve says is right - money should become a tool. that's what it was invented for, as a tool to overcome bartering and pay for services.
When you degrade money to "a tool", then you can see how your self worth is not linked to the amount of tools you have. Instead you should look at tools as a way of acheiveing more of what you really want.

But remember - tools are only as good as the artist who's using them. Tools worth a million dollars in the hands of someone who doesn't know how to use them well, are nowhere near as good as the crudest of tools in the hands of a master.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Lately, I've noticed just how much my self worth/self esteem is tied to how much money or nice stuff I have. This bothers me. I know it must be possible to feel worthy without needing the stuff. How does one learn this?

Here's another way of looking at it; ask yourself how much would you sell your right eye for? Seriously? Your left? Your right arm? Your left leg? How much?

I don't know about you, but mine are seriously in the trillions of trillions of dollars!

[Michelle]

Now, this is very helpful stuff. Thank you all!

[David Hausladen]

Most cultures teach that a sense of self-worth is something to be earned. They believe that it would be tragic for society if people realized that nothing you do, say, or have--in fact, nothing at all--can take away from or add to how incredibly "worthy" you are.

This is the realization that brought me out a two-year depression and guarantees that I'll never return: a core belief in intrinsic, inherent, inborn self-worth regardless of circumstances and actions (can't think of any other "in-" words to describe it ).

Originally Posted by Michelle

Now, I am wondering what shopping represents on a spiritual level? What do I need to do to get the fulfillment and self-worth I feel while shopping in a spiritual way?

Most likely, you are seeking the feelings which would come with a sense of self-worth. If shopping and money represent freedom to you, then you want the freedom that comes with knowing that you have self-worth and now you can just be free to live rather than constantly seeking more self-worth. If shopping and money represent security to you, then, in the same vein, you want the safety of knowing your self-worth is earned and can't be taken from you. If shopping and money represent achievement to you, then the sense of achievement makes you feel secure in your self-worth.

I can't speak from experience (I haven't attracted a significant amount of money yet), but I imagine that having a lot of money doesn't actually increase one's sense of self-worth--as you say, "what happens in the physical world reflects one's inner world," not the other way around. Rather than try to justify a sense of self-worth with actions, simply make it one of your beliefs. Make your self-worth an article of faith and then you won't have to go seeking after it any more.

I hope this is helpful to you.

[Michelle]

That is very helpful, David. Thank you. The shopping has been a search for self-worth.

Argh. This belief is going to be difficult to change.

[andrew]

Hmm, I've never really looked at being rich as a goal persey. Just that if I had a lot of money, I'd be able to do the things I'd want to do, live where I want to live, and not have to worry about working to survive.

Like I could careless if I have a lot of money if I could live the way I wanted to. So with starting a business, making money is just a byproduct of me developing products and learning to run a business. I guess it's only like that because I'm not going to die if I don't make money. Like having money itself isn't what makes me happy, it's just the means in which I can acheive what I want.

Is that a good or bad way of looking at it?

[Michelle]

You make sense. For me it has been a struggle to develop healthy financial habits, simply due to the way I was raised.

Growing up, money was power. People who had money were to be feared, respected, hated, and admired simultaneously. My parents bought and bought and bought, putting themselves deep into debt and finally filing for bankruptcy a few years ago.

My move to Switzerland has been instrumental in becoming healthy as an individual. And while I have avoided the debt trap, there is still no flow of money in my life, and the feeling that money is power still exists. I find myself searching shops for what I can only guess is some sense of fulfillment or self-worth.

Wah.

[PhoenixBlossom]

Originally Posted by Michelle

Lately, I've noticed just how much my self worth/self esteem is tied to how much money or nice stuff I have. This bothers me. I know it must be possible to feel worthy without needing the stuff. How does one learn this?

For me, it was a combination of taking a huge risk, experiencing failure, hitting rock bottom, and then finding my answers inside. Bankruptcy is a powerful catalyst to self-evaluation and transformation.

You are starting well by asking the question, but looking for your answers in stores and merchandise is an external diversion. Your answers are within yourself. You may be aided on your path by external things (like books and self development tools such as this forum), but you really have to look within, eventually.

A tool that helped me was Abraham, Ask And It Is Given... somehow the writings really resonated with me and I finally do believe that every person here on earth is worthy, and we're all just doing things in an effort to feel good.

You'll get there.

Love & Joy

[fubek]

Originally Posted by Michelle

How does one learn this?

Get rid of the stuff.

[Alvaro]

Hola Michelle, (Alvin, thanks for the link that allowed me to find this discussion)

Thanks for your question. I loved to see the positive assumptions in your question "I know it must be possible to feel worthy without needing the stuff. How does one learn this?"

You know. And you want to learn.

How would one learn Chinese? with practice, persistence, planting some seeds and cultivating them for growth. I have not found a drastic/ fastest way to change our basic outlook in life. We can re-wire our brains, literally, but it requires motivation and devotion to the process.

Let me now borrow from a blog post I wrote a while back, on being positive, I think it may help.

I remember a few years ago when, over brunch, my good friend Rohit proposed that

Happiness = Reality – Expectations. (Play with it, and it grows. It is very powerful)

A few months later after this discovery, at a public concert, while some friends were having a lively debate on this equation, a nearby stranger proposed a nice refinement:

Happiness = (Appreciation, of what we have, and can do) x ( Reality – Expectations)

Which is nicely phrased in the sentence I have read in a number of places

We need Serenity to accept
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.

Mahatma Gandhi encouraged us to “Be the change you want to see in the world”.

The fact is that there is much good around us, and much more good of us can do. We don’t always see it this way, but it is a fact (if you doubt this, why don’t you do the Basketball experiment in a previous post). We probably would benefit from having easier access to a CNN of Positive News, of Kind Gestures, Unexpected Generosity, Magic Coincidences, Beautiful Growth.

No matter our religion, or lack thereof, we can benefit from what the book Daniel Goleman’s Destructive Emotions: How Can We overcome Them proposes as “A Gym for Emotional Skills”.

How can one train this muscle of Appreciation? well, no clinical studies here, but my wife and I like to do, less often that we should, an exercise proposed by Jeffrey Brantley in Five Good Minutes: 100 Morning Practices To Help You Stay Calm & Focused All Day Long:

First, travel back, in your mind’s eye, to a time when you felt a healthy exhaustion, and let you relive that moment as vividly as you can.

Then, remember, re-experience, a loving exchange that really touched you. Pause. See the moment. Smell it. Hear what happened around you.

Next, visualize the most caring gesture you have ever received, as full of details as possible. Who gave you that gift of caring. How you felt.

Now, travel to the most magnificent place you have seen. Enjoy the views. Pause. Listen. Smile. Appreciate.

[Doku]

Finance in general: Total Money Makeover and/or Financial Peace Revisited plus planner

Self-worth in general: My experience (rags to... not quite riches, but well on my way) is that self-worth is an individually personal topic. For me, my self-worth is defined by how much my friends respect me, and want to hang out with me. For my wife, her self-worth is defined by her ability to define her day.

Consequence of my and my wife's sense of self-worth? We either have friends at the house about 2-3 nights a week, or go to their homes 2-3 nights a week. My wife does not work. She has some "chores" and such that she has to get done during a given week, but she can go to bed when she feels like it, wake up whenever she desires, etc.

The exercise that I did to determine my self worth seemed stupid, but it worked for my wife and I. Three questions:
1) If you had no money, and no obligations, what would you do?
2) If you had all the money, and no obligations, what would you do?
3) Given that you have some money, and some obligations, how do 1 and 2 fit the picture?
Somewhere within those three questions lies your sense of self.

[Michelle]

You guys give great advice and thought provokation - thank you!

The exercise that I did to determine my self worth seemed stupid, but it worked for my wife and I. Three questions:
1) If you had no money, and no obligations, what would you do?
2) If you had all the money, and no obligations, what would you do?
3) Given that you have some money, and some obligations, how do 1 and 2 fit the picture?
Somewhere within those three questions lies your sense of self.

This is funny :-). In every case I see myself rolling around on a warm beach in Cyprus eating pineapple. Not sure this would be considered productive.

[Doku]

Originally Posted by Michelle

This is funny :-). In every case I see myself rolling around on a warm beach in Cyprus eating pineapple. Not sure this would be considered productive.

Well, it shows that you value time to yourself more than crowds/entertainment. Mostly non-material things. You'd rather live in a warm climate.

Your values and idea of self-worth doesn't really need to be anything _productive_. It is what it is.