When a life crisis hits, what should you do?

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Hi,

I recently wrote an article on "When a life crisis hits, what should you do?" on my blog. I wrote this article out from what I learned in my life. My life was in crisis in terms of career accomplishments. After much introspection and much reading on the web, I found new momentum in my life ... haha ... that's blogging.

Now, I need your comments on my blog post, if you have the time. Perhaps you have your own ways of tackling a life crisis. What are they? Have you had a life crisis before? What was that experience? How did you get thru it to where you are right now?

Thanks!

[bellemeadows]

I like what you said on your blog, and I agree with it. That said, I think the most important, most critical piece was missed. That is, be kind to yourself, and find your heart. When a true crisis hits, one can be out of their head for awhile; out of their heart, out of their mind. Rational thinking, while lovely in theory, may not even be in the cards.

In some crises, you are terrified, and the flight, fight, or tend and befriend responses kick in. Your rational mind may be shut down. If the crises is strong enough, you may be traumatized, in which case you are working out of the limbic portion of your brain, where words and logic aren't even accessible. So all of the thinking in the world doesn't help.

While your advice is kind and reasonable for the kind of crises that rolls your world a bit without the deep, deep trauma; there are crises that turn one's world upside down. As a person who has lived through such crises, I can attest that one needs a strategy of the heart, rather than a strategy of the mind. It is during the time when the mind isn't in play, and thoughts aren't terribly helpful that the most help is needed -- when one is truly out of their mind from a change or event or a loss.

Reading Steven Levine might be helpful for you. He has worked with countless Vietnam Veterans and others who have survived deep trauma, and his approaches really help. Very Buddhist, in a western kind of way.

All the best, Belle,

[bellemeadows]

I just wanted to comment on this statement. For real trauma, it isn't true, so it is misleading to say it is.

IMHO, you need to do more research. Like talk to people who have lost their families to accidents, or survived war, or survived sexual abuse, or cancer deaths.

Many people spend at least a year in a total fog when they lose a close and dear loved one, like a spouse. Typically, much more time is needed than a year to enjoy what might be characterized as a 'normal' life.

If you are going to advise people who are in the midst of crises, you need to understand crises reactions. I don't mean to be harsh; but when folks are in real crises, the expectation that it will pass soon is not reasonable or realistic.

You may want to review the stats on vietnam veterans -- they show us a good example of the impact of pernatious crises or trauma on one's life. Many committed suicide. Many didn't acclimate back into mainstream life for decades. Another place to do research would be hospice care centers. All of us know or will know people who are ill and dying. How do those in hospice address that crises? How do their friends and families deal with it?

And please, take the statement about the crises passing soon out of your write up. In some cases it is correct; in many it is not, and that expectation just adds another issue to those going through a crises. How long does the crises last? Each one is different. They last as long as they last.

Blessings from Belle

[Joely]

I have to say, I agree with Belle here. This is great advice if you're facing financial stress, but I don't think it applies to very extreme forms of life crisis. There are forms of extreme life event, as Belle remarked, where the brain gets trapped in a state of crisis which can last for months, if not years.

I also recommend that you moderate your language when it comes to the kind of reactions that some people take to extreme life stress. It may well not be an effective choice to use drugs or alcohol to deal with a crisis situation but you're basically telling any readers who've done that they're "stupid". That might well be alienating to people who have struggled with extreme life events.

You seem to have focused only on marriage and career related life events. A different, and gentler approach might be needed for crises such as rape, burglary, loss of a parent or child, attack, major life threats (being in a violent car crash, for example). These really, on the grand scale of things, are in a different league to losing a job.

[Chado2423]

apparently i don't handle crisis' too well.

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Hi all,

I really appreciate all the good comments on my article so far. I learn a lot from you guys. After reading your comments, I have a few things to say.

1) For sure, no single article can cover all crises in life, given the limited time a reader has. Different crises need different approaches / solutions, and surely duration of each crisis is different. Probably, each life crisis may need a book to talk about. I'm sure there are books specifically covering a particular crisis or a category.

2) In the article or blog post, I was speaking from my own experience - a career crisis I fell into a few months ago. So, the kind of crisis I was feeling is different from those whose life was turned upside down, as you said.

3) I understand that sometimes the mind and heart do not work in syn when it comes to a real crisis like a trauma or loss of a very loved one. The mind may be rational but the heart is not willing (e.g. to let go). The mind may tell the heart to do/accept what the heart refuses to accept/do or simply can't accept/do or does not want to accept/do. Or, vice versa. If that's the case, I would say the crisis is really a tricky one to deal with. Probably, no one psychiatrist or professionals in the field could help, except the "sufferer" himself or herself. Because, sometimes, in some cases in life, only the "sufferer" or victim can "save" himself/herself. No one could.

4) Of course, in some cases, if drug can help alleviate the situation and heal the person, then use it. But, to me, drug is only temporary cure and may have side effects. If drug or psychiatrist cannot help, I don't know what else will do. I'm not in the field so I don't know. I doubt even if someone so professional is in the field, he/she may not know what else to do also. This is really painful a crisis is - a mental crisis! Yes, it may take years or forever to heal. Maybe. But, if we're talking about mental crisis, I guess that really belongs to a totally different topic that is beyond a lay person's ability to even talk about.

5) However, no matter what "life crisis" it is, as long as it's not mental crisis or national economic crisis or crises like that, it's all boiled down to what the person wants to do with his life. Here, I'm talking about crises that are still within our control. e.g. a marriage crisis, career crisis, or even a loss of a loved one. Crises that we can make conscious choices to rectify our situation. Not the kind of crises that even doctors or the ones we would entrust my life or death to, find themselves useless, powerless, ...etc. In that case, we really need a supernatural power to intervene. A miracle!

6) As I said in my conclusion, "If there is a tree, there will be fruits or flowers. If there is a plus, there must be a minus. If there is a lock, there must be a key. If there is life, there will be death also. By the same token, if there is happiness in life, there must be sadness also. If there is success, there will be failure, too! Without the other, how would we know which is what we should pursue in life?" What do we think life is? Is life supposed of all happiness, all good luck, all goooooood gooooood things? Should life be composed of life itself and death? Happiness and sadness? What makes us think that life should not have tears, heartbrokenness, ... etc.? What is life? Life on earth is different from life in heavens. Is there a heaven(s) ? If there is an earth like we now live in, should there be a heaven also? If there is evil, shouldn't there be good also? If there is devil, if we believe, should be there God? Can an atom be an atom if it has only electrons or protons as we know it? Doesn't it have both electrons and protons to make it an atom? ... etc. Let's not get into being too much metaphysical. ... Get back to life. If there is life, there should be death also. If we can accept death or things that ultimately lead to it, I believe we will have a very different attitude toward things that happen in our life. ... and that will change the way we live our life ... etc.... etc.

7) After all, a crisis is really a transition. A transition from one level to another, from one end to another, from good to bad, from bad to good... yes, it may not end or complete soon. It may take months or years or even forever (??) I will try to modify what I said in the article. :-)

This is a very good conversation I have, considering I am new to this forum.

I will welcome continued exchange of ideas like this.

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Also, I prefer to keep my blog as "a personal journal where I express my thoughts, express my own personal opinion, interact with others on interesting topics, and make notes of what I understand to be factual information for those who may find useful for their information. Comments and blog entries posted on this site by me and other participants are only opinions and thoughts freely yet responsibly expressed, NOT professional advice." (I said in my About page.) I will not pretend to be giving any professional advice. I have never intended my blog site to be a source of professional advice. It will never be. And I do not believe anyone without a formal professional training in "the field" will be qualified to give any advice. It'll only be "personal opinion." Even professionally trained people sometimes are powerless to help those suffering in crises. If there is anything or anyone, then it is TIME and THE SUFFERER HIMSELF OR HERSELF, as to whether he/she allows himself/herself to be healed/helped by others or medication. Because really some "victims" are just beating themselves up by feeling guilty, grievous, ..., by not letting go, by holding the dying in pains, ... etc. ... etc. (sometimes, to let go is to save a person from suffering. ) It's not that they don't know that they have to live on, move on, ... in life. Ever watched the movie "Titanic"? Yes, lossing a loved one is painful, heartbreaking,... whatever... so what? Life must be lived forward. Death is part of life. Life cannot be life without death. I know I'm being harsh on life here ...I'm sorry... but what else can we do when we come to a crisis where our life is turned upside down? To live forward or to continue to pity ourselves? To continue the will or hopes or whatever of the deceased, or to continue to grieve over the dead for months or years?? ... or whatever crises like that... YES, yes yes yes... any crisis can be so painful that death is worth. But stop, and ask oneself,"Will the dead loved one want to see me continue to grieve his death for years, to continue to beat myself up by feeling guilty/unhappy, to live a life without the dead loved one in unhappiness, in sorrow, ... etc. ??? " NO! Of course not. If he/she believes the dead is just "living" in another world and watching over him/her in this physical life, he/she should continue to live a happy, meaningful, fruitful life... for the deceased ..................

The above is just an example a bit "more serious" (???) than a marriage crisis or career crisis. There are other crises that are beyond our "mental" control. That does not fall in this category of crisis that we know of and we can mentally control, make life decisions ourselves, ...etc. If a person is suffering from a mental "crisis", let him/her be put in a mental hospital and receive mental medication. What else should we do?

So, the "cure" is with us. Our destiny is in our hands and in the choices that we make in our life. One's personality/character is his/her destiny.

By the way, in my article, I said, Never ever abuse yourself with drugs or alcohol. I actually meant, drug that makes people addictive to it. Not medicative drug. If medication can "save" a life from crisis, then use it but still not abuse it.

[Joely]

Oh, I completely agree with you that we all have choices in life, and that liberation from crisis is 100% personal responsibility. I'm not arguing that they're not, and the advice you give is sound, but perhaps the manner in which it was conveyed was perhaps a little commanding or even harsh at times. I've worked for many years with people who have depression, anorexia and other severe psychological conditions, been through several life crises and I know that often the manner of delivery is as important as the message itself.

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Oh, I wasn't arguing either. I think we all are just exchanging viewpoints or "opinions". I must say that you guys did lead me to think about areas I did not think about. Good conversations!

[bellemeadows]

You asked for input. As a blog of your own experiences and advice, what you have written is fine; and perhaps helpful to people who are like you -- people who have not experienced the deeper crises that come to each of us now and then.

As a help to people in real, gut-wrenching, mind-numbing crisis, perhaps not so very helpful (even perhaps the opposite -- unhelpful in that you are offering input and advice that is unrealistic and out of reach). I do think you are a bit out of your knowledge, experience and compassion depth to address this topic.

All the best to you, we all have our niche, our audience. I'm sure yours will find you. It takes courage to put yourself out there as you have done; for that I applaud you.

Blessings and good fortune from Belle,

[Jennihul]

I also agree that the mind-bending crisis my family has been through in the last year seemed to be of another realm compared to the comparitively welcomed ones mentioned.

However, in all fairness to the writer, the basic advice remains the same. Irrevelant of the perceived minor or major nature of ones own crisis, the advice is sound.

Jennifer

[bellemeadows]

Well, just to provide an alternate view, for me these basic skills are only enough if a person is out of the trauma caused by the crisis. While someone is having a traumatic response (which can persist forever on, and off, unless it is dealt with physiologically), these skills are usually not enough to bring about lasting change, because they do not address the trauma. In fact, they can serve to enhance the sense of isolation the tramatized person is already feeling, making things worse in terms of feeling a sense of hopelessness.

Similar basic skills were taught over and over again to Vietnam Vets. What was lacking was getting them out of the trauma. Consequently, many of them took their own lives; most never began to live normal lives until the trauma was addressed -- not the sumptoms of the trauma but the trauma itself. Self-talk, CBT, goal setting; those things didn't work in terms of finding a lasting 'normalcy'.

I know of 18 vets at our local veterans hospital who had not been able to get out of the flashbacks, the anziety, the depression until EMDR treatment was used. . . . for decades they dealt with the symptoms of trauma, which never went away until the EMDR treatments. Now EMDR is about addressing the biological component of the trauma. When it was addressed, the symptoms subsided, and they began to build what would be described as a normal life. They stopped needing antidepressants and antianxiety medication; they begain feeling better, and the tramatic symptoms subsided.

From my perspective, that was the point in their lives at which the information in the blog would be helpful. While the physiological component of the trauma was in play, lasting change did not happen and they lived in 'survival mode' -- looking back, the anecdotal evidence is that it wasn't possible for them to be 'normal' while their body was stuck in flight, fight or freeze; a physiological state which can be seen on brain scans.

Most people don't understand this dynamic. I know a LCSW who has brain scan equipment. She has done brain scans of folks who are dealing with trauma prior to and after EMDR. The scans show a significant change in the way the brain is operating.

Most folks have very unrealistic expectations about what is possible and what is not when trauma is in play. I'm not sure EMDR is the only way to address physiological trauma, and the truth is some people are more prone to hold trauma in their body than others - so for most people it probably is not an issue. But to people who are caught in trauma, and experiencing the traumatic symptoms, sometimes it is very difficult to deal with the expectation that they can just be normal again, think about goals, keep focused on. . . , etc., etc., etc.

I do not put down these methods, they are good solid methods. Yet sometimes they are not helpful; even perhaps hurtful since there are many cases where they are unrealistic in terms of helpful outcomes. People stuck in trauma live with the often unrealistic expectation that the trauma passes soon. In my experience, it doesn't, until the underlying physiological issue is addressed.

Anyway, just some anecdotal evidence around an alternate perspective -- use it as you will.

Blessings from Belle,

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for all your input. I think you have taken me to areas where I have no formal training -- areas I have no personal interest in pursuing as a career, but you opened my eyes and mind to see things in depth Thanks!

From your writing, I'm sure you ladies must have great experiences and knowledge in dealing with traumatic crises or may be specialists yourselves. My hat to you ladies ... But, to me, the kind of traumatic crises you were describing seems to be more of a "disease" (pyschological/mental) rather than the kind of crises that ordinary people know of, such as midlife life, quarterlife crisis, career crisis, marriage crisis... etc. that is, crises that a person can still make personal choices in life.

Anyway, as I said in my about page, my blog is not for a place for professional advice, as I'm not trained to be a professional. It's just a personal blog that I can express thoughts/ideas that "might" inspire those who are open to different thoughts/ideas. Like Joely said, perhaps my tone was a little commanding. Well, was it? I agree I may be harsh, but commanding? hmmm....

Cheers!

[LifeCrisisGuy]

BTW, my definition of crisis is ... a crucial or decisive point, situation, or a turning point in life where the outcome of the rest of one's life depends on "conscious choices" that he/she makes at the point. I guess different people have different definitions.

[Joely]

Actually, a great many "ordinary people" go through extreme life crises. I've never met anybody in my life who hasn't overcome something of great enormity in their own. Depression, for example, is now said to affect the majority of people at some time in their lives, and could well be considered a crisis if it is debilitating enough to require time off work or losing a job or a relationship.

[Jennihul]

Originally Posted by LifeCrisisGuy

Hi Ladies,

Thanks so much for all your input. I think you have taken me to areas where I have no formal training -- areas I have no personal interest in pursuing as a career, but you opened my eyes and mind to see things in depth Thanks!

From your writing, I'm sure you ladies must have great experiences and knowledge in dealing with traumatic crises or may be specialists yourselves. My hat to you ladies ... But, to me, the kind of traumatic crises you were describing seems to be more of a "disease" (pyschological/mental) rather than the kind of crises that ordinary people know of, such as midlife life, quarterlife crisis, career crisis, marriage crisis... etc. that is, crises that a person can still make personal choices in life.

Anyway, as I said in my about page, my blog is not for a place for professional advice, as I'm not trained to be a professional. It's just a personal blog that I can express thoughts/ideas that "might" inspire those who are open to different thoughts/ideas. Like Joely said, perhaps my tone was a little commanding. Well, was it? I agree I may be harsh, but commanding? hmmm....

Cheers!

Just for the record, mine was a sudden, shocking event that is still not completely resolved. No long term illness, no disease.

But it took me one valium and about 30 minutes to decide my mindset and I have never waivered. No matter how bad or scary or serious it got.


Jennifer

[Rick Abelson]

Funny you should ask! I retired in 04' from Las Vegas with LOTS of money. Thought everything would be wonderful in South America where I moved. It is now 3 years later and I am BROKE. Talk about a crisis. I started a blog 6 weeks ago where I talk about what happened and the new path I am on as I rise out of the ashes. Anybody can do it. I am broke but not poor. Broke is a temporary situation but poor is a state of mind. Check out my posts for a little inspiration from a 61 year old youngster!

[bellemeadows]

Hmmm. I've had no medical or psychological training. I do not work in the mental health field, and I've not spent much time in treatment either. . . . But, I've done a lot of self-study because trauma has so effected people I know, including myself. A lot of people I know.

In my experience, deep crises are not unusual -- they happen to most people in their lifetimes; sometimes many times in their lifetimes. In the US, one in five youngsters, male and female, are sexually molested before they reach adulthood. Most people encounter sickness and death of a dear one, unless they are very fortunate.

The LCSW I know who does the brainscans, and works with EMDR, treats folks who have been raped, robbed, etc., etc., etc. Trauma often results from a situation as common as an auto accident. How many people do you know who lives their entire life without experiencing an auto-accident?

The theory is that trauma is a result of the physiological reaction to a perceived death threat. When an animal is caught, and gripped in the jaws of a lion, it goes limp, and freezes. The theory is that, when the animal first fled from the lion, their adrenalin flight response kicked on. When the animal was caught, it went into an altered state and froze, unable to move as it is killed and eaten. People describe a similar state in times of extreme crisis -- a spacy feeling, almost out of body, floating, feeling no pain even though the body may be severely injured.

Then if the lion drops the animal, it revives and runs off at top speed.

This spacy state is likened to putting the pedal to the metal on your car (addrenalin rush as you are running), and then hitting the brake at the same time the gas is flowing. The brake causes the freeze, but the gas is still pumping. So as soon as you are released, you run again.

We don't often, as people, get the change to run away from our crisis. But we still have all of the same wiring when there is a perceived threat.

You wouldn't put the gas pedal to the floor, and then hold down the brake when driving your car. It wouldn't be good for your car. Well it isn't good for people or animals either. If animals don't get the chance to run away after the freeze response, they often die of the trauma itself -- not the wounds -- the trauma. People don't usually die from it, but it makes their brains wired funny, causing lots of symptoms that persist until the trauma works itself out of the limbic brain. And time doesn't usually cure it. Antidepressents help with managing through the symptoms, but they don't usually cure it. Antianxiety drugs can help with managing the symptoms, but they don't usually cure it. CBT can help with managing the symptoms, but the limbic brain doesn't hear language, so self-talk doesn't usually help dramatically.

The thing is, our traumas usually don't come in the form of lions, and we don't always get the opportunity to run away. The running and the use of the body in times of crisis is very, very good. It helps purge the trauma out of the limbic portion of the brain.

I have learned what I have learned, because it was important to me, and to people I know. The knowledge I've gained in this area has helped many people address trauma and find a relative cure, rather than continuing to live with the symptoms. I have brought this alternate perspective up, because there are so many people silently suffering with the effects of trauma. It is everywhere; if you know the Qs to ask, and you are kind and willing to listen quietly.

There is actually a need for people to talk about the physiological effects of trauma, because those who have trauma running their lives typically have persistent issues, persistent symptoms. And often the professionals treat the symptoms only, and do not have effective treatment for the trauma itself. It was a very long road for those 18 vietnam vets; decades.

So forgive me if I am a bit passionate. Because I am kind and gentle, people tell me their stories. And I have several friends who, using the information I've shared on this post, cured their trauma problems, after decades of just trying to manage their life around them. And completely turned their lives around.

That is why it is hard for me to get excited about your writeup. It is good information, and if there is no trauma, it is good advice. But for someone who went into that freeze mode, and didn't come out the same, it may not be helpful. . . . it may just make them feel more isolated.

If I can self-study on this topic, you can too. Rather than put folks who have experienced trauma into the category of 'sick' I would suggest you find a way to be an advocate for them in some way. You'd be surprised how many are out there. . .

Blessings from Belle,

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Originally Posted by Rick Abelson