I told my grandparents about my lying and school and its really bad they r u MAD

[loveliketheflowers]

So as you know if you do not know already, I have been lying to my grandparents about being in college. I haven't been in school for a very long time (2yrs) and been making up grades and telling them i had been in school. i been in fear for a long time about school and coming out with the truth. finally i was confronted last nite by my grandma who asked was i really in school or not and just say the truth....i said yes i was and that was that. but this morning i came downstairs and told them the WHOLE truth...me not being in school for 2yrs, making grades, driving around by myself til its time to come home, EVERYTHING.

they are so upset its ridiculous. i dunno if it is upset or just pure disappointment. my grandma blamed me for possibly still taking drugs (which i have not since december), taking her money that she gives me for gas or food since i dont have a job at the moment (she gives me like 20 to 100 sometimes), why did i join church a few sundays ago, why this why that, im gonna be just like my mother (who is drug addicted and very out there)....my grandpa was just so disappointed. i couldn't stop crying. im still crying so hard its pathetic. he said he knew there was something wrong with me, and that i been looking so down and in fear. and that it makes no sense at all. he said "it seems like u want to just do nothing, just chase after whatever guys and do nothing"....im so down so depressed. i dunno what to do no more. i knew i shouldn't of said anything. everyone was like "tell the truth, tell them so they can help". but now i know what is going tohappen. they lost truth, they think im a slut or whore, they think im a turn out like my mother and be nothing. i am nothing now. i have been for a while.

i know i just told them and the possibility that it will get better is true. just how can i stay strong now. im scared to even go back downstairs. i really want to call the police and be escorted out of here and never come back. i dont need their help if its gonna be tough love. i just need love? but whatever though. im so freaking sad and scared. i knew this was gonna happen. i should of jus kept lying.....now my car is probably gonna be taken away, now i can't go anywhere im stuck in this house, no friends, no no one. just alone, like i been saying.........

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Even though it sucks right now, I think it's good you told them. Of course they are upset and afraid of what it means that you've been lying to them for two years. They are worried about you and don't want you to go down the same path as your mom.

What if you went to them and told them that you understand why they are upset, but that you are ready to make some changes and you could use their help and support. If you have some kind of plan, let them know about it. Or if you just don't know what you should do next then ask them to help you come up with a plan. Let them know that you are sorry you broke their trust and that you want to gain it back.

The worst part is over, they know. Now what are you going to do next? You can either freak out and take this as the end of the world, or you can look at who you really want to be and make it happen. You can do it!

[Angela]

How long are you going to choose being a victim in your life? When do you think you'll be wiling to accept 100% responsibility?

[Mremedia]

You did the right thing, even though it might not feel like it.. lying any longer would only make things worse. By coming out with the truth, you've taken the first step to show that you want to make a change.

In truth, your grandparents are upset because they feel hurt. If they didnt care about you, they wouldnt show any emotion. By showing their disappointment they are proving that you are worth something to them, and that they do care about you.

Hiding from them, or running from the problem isnt going to make things any better, the best thing to do is to go back to them, and try and open some dialogue. At this point, get it all out in the open, and things will get better.

You might have to accept the fact that you no longer have a car or money given to you, but that's for the best anyways. The only way to get ahead in life is really to make the conscious decision to do so.

I'll say a prayer for you.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

So as you know if you do not know already, I have been lying to my grandparents about being in college. I haven't been in school for a very long time (2yrs) and been making up grades and telling them i had been in school. i been in fear for a long time about school and coming out with the truth. finally i was confronted last nite by my grandma who asked was i really in school or not and just say the truth....i said yes i was and that was that. but this morning i came downstairs and told them the WHOLE truth...me not being in school for 2yrs, making grades, driving around by myself til its time to come home, EVERYTHING.

I was going to say "Congratulation!" However, I'm concerned you may not have told them the truth for the right reason, as I note below. Thus I'll hold off on the "Congratulation!".

anything. everyone was like "tell the truth, tell them so they can help".

I didn't say that myself. I was saying "tell the truth, so YOU can start respecting yourself and start trusting yourself". Telling them the truth so they can help you isn't the right way to go about it, in my view. Then you're just using them, and you're only telling them the truth to get what you want out of them,like you did when you're lying. Except then you're just using a different strategy.

You should tell the truth because of how you want to view yourself - you want to respect yourself, you want to trust yourself, etc. And that's much more important then how others view you, because how you view yourself impacts all the decisions you make. Furthermore, you want to be honest so you can start being honest with yourself. When you're so used to lying to others to get your way, then, you lie to yourself as well without even knowing it. By being honest in all manners of dealing as a matter of principle, you can face yourself and discover things about yourself you never would ever have found out were you under the habit of lying, and thus solve many of your issues.

If you stay focused on being truthful, then over the years, people will see you as someone else of integrity, etc, and they'll trust you. If you only use the truth as a strategy in this instance to get more, then you won't build up the ability of others to trust you. And you won't build up your own self-respect, self-trust.

I've known a sad man who was in his late 50's, who was a habitual liar. He was unable to tell the truth in any matter where it might be somewhat hard. His life was a complete mess, nobody could trust him, he couldn't trust himself, he couldn't figure out what to do, he kept using lying/truth as a strategy and still in his late 50's his life was a mess kind of like yours now. Even worst because he no longer had grandparents and parents to help bail him out, to give him a roof, etc. The advantage you have is I assume you're in your early 20's. Thus you're way ahead of him if you choose to concentrate on being honest and truthful. Even if it takes you a few years to get there, you'll still be a lot better and way ahead of him.

i should of jus kept lying

In that case, your use of truth and lying as a strategy to get more out of other people will simply get you more of the same results. Being honest isn't a quick-fix solution, it's a long term solution. Furthermore, it's not a magic bullet, it's just the beginning. There's a lot of other things you need to start doing. These other things are helped tremendously when you have the ability to be honest with yourself and with others at all times, no matter what.

As a wise woman once said "Personal Development isn't a sprint, it's a marathon"

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by seeker5

I was going to say "Congratulation!" However, I'm concerned you may not have told them the truth for the right reason, as I note below. Thus I'll hold off on the "Congratulation!".



I didn't say that myself. I was saying "tell the truth, so YOU can start respecting yourself and start trusting yourself". Telling them the truth so they can help you isn't the right way to go about it, in my view. Then you're just using them, and you're only telling them the truth to get what you want out of them,like you did when you're lying. Except then you're just using a different strategy.

You should tell the truth because of how you want to view yourself - you want to respect yourself, you want to trust yourself, etc. And that's much more important then how others view you, because how you view yourself impacts all the decisions you make. Furthermore, you want to be honest so you can start being honest with yourself. When you're so used to lying to others to get your way, then, you lie to yourself as well without even knowing it. By being honest in all manners of dealing as a matter of principle, you can face yourself and discover things about yourself you never would ever have found out were you under the habit of lying, and thus solve many of your issues.

If you stay focused on being truthful, then over the years, people will see you as someone else of integrity, etc, and they'll trust you. If you only use the truth as a strategy in this instance to get more, then you won't build up the ability of others to trust you. And you won't build up your own self-respect, self-trust.

I've known a sad man who was in his late 50's, who was a habitual liar. He was unable to tell the truth in any matter where it might be somewhat hard. His life was a complete mess, nobody could trust him, he couldn't trust himself, he couldn't figure out what to do, he kept using lying/truth as a strategy and still in his late 50's his life was a mess kind of like yours now. Even worst because he no longer had grandparents and parents to help bail him out, to give him a roof, etc. The advantage you have is I assume you're in your early 20's. Thus you're way ahead of him if you choose to concentrate on being honest and truthful. Even if it takes you a few years to get there, you'll still be a lot better and way ahead of him.



In that case, your use of truth and lying as a strategy to get more out of other people will simply get you more of the same results. Being honest isn't a quick-fix solution, it's a long term solution. Furthermore, it's not a magic bullet, it's just the beginning. There's a lot of other things you need to start doing. These other things are helped tremendously when you have the ability to be honest with yourself and with others at all times, no matter what.

As a wise woman once said "Personal Development isn't a sprint, it's a marathon"

I wasn't trying to use it as a stragey, but to get it off my chest and get it out in the open. it made me feel terrible everyday lying to my grandparents and pretending to be doing something i was not. so NO i was not using the telling them and coming clean as a stragey. i really dont see how they can help me? i have to help myself. I have to find a job by myself. I have to do things and want things for myself. HOW CAN THEY HELP ME??? NO I WAS NOT USING IT AS A STRATEGY? i just wanted to tell the truth and get it out there. i had to do it anyway, i wasn't about to graduate or something.

I understand what u mean, but that is not what i was telling the truth for. I did not want to tell the truth because of their current reaction and feeling NOW, which is disappointment, resentment, and anger towards me. now i have to regain their trust back. I been lying about many things for years. Its pretty easy i think to lie than tell the real truth, which i now have to re-teach myself. So, For you to say im using the telling the truth as to use them and get something from them is NOT IT AT ALL. i wanted to tell the truth so i can feel better and because i knew i had too in order to move on and do something new and better. sorry you thought that way.

[seeker5]

In that case, then "Congratulation!" is in order to taking the first step!

[sheffy4]

Is it possible that you are afraid you might turn out like your mother? You are not your mother. Prove that to yourself by taking small steps toward the direction you want to go. Perhaps read Erin Pavlina's article about how to be honest.
You don't need to become an amazing new person over night. You are already amazing. You just need to see it and start letting your amazing self take control, instead of the gremlin inside you that's been blocking you from your life.

[loveliketheflowers]

thank you its just hard right NOW......right now im steadily looking for jobs on craigslist and sending out my resume. I'm just very scared about dealing with my grandparents when i kno how negative they can get. and just the reaction from my grandmother accusing me and blaming me certainly did not help my thinking. she blames me for being on drugs, stripping, taking her money, lying, doing nothing. how do i get to the next day? its just so dark and gray right NOW, i dunno.....i know though (from reading Power of NOW) that all i have is NOW, and NOW is NOW. the future is unknown. i just dont know what to say to my grandparents NOW. i been in my room the whole time for about 2hrs, crying and looking for jobs.... i dont need their negative stares or silent treatment, that does not help. everytime i think im about to say something my grandmother just goes "MMM" or rolls her eyes or whatever. just how can i be positive through THIS? yes i did tell the truth cause the lie took away some of my soul i think. Im just still in fear, still scared.....i dont know how to talk to my grandparents without crying or going back upstairs. im just gonna be accussed and blamed anyway, thats how i feel and am thinking. i dunno, i dunno. its just difficult, or my thoughts are just making it difficult. when do u think if possible my grandparents will possibly let up or stop being so upset or disappointed. do u think they will ever trust me again? will i ever trust me again? i been lying for so long, i think i have to re-build my whole self. i just pray i get an interview for a job very very soon, sooner than soon.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by sheffy4

Is it possible that you are afraid you might turn out like your mother? You are not your mother. Prove that to yourself by taking small steps toward the direction you want to go. Perhaps read Erin Pavlina's article about how to be honest.
You don't need to become an amazing new person over night. You are already amazing. You just need to see it and start letting your amazing self take control, instead of the gremlin inside you that's been blocking you from your life.

I am going to read that right now, thank you. And thank you, i dont think i amazing right Now, but i know what u mean. thank you.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

she blames me for being on drugs, stripping, taking her money, lying, doing nothing.

Are these not things you have done? You may not be doing them now, but you've created an image of yourself by your behavior. If you don't want her to see you that way anymore you are going to have to show her that you have left those things behind. It will probably take a while and it will definitely be hard.

If it were me in this situation I would go about getting a job first and foremost. And for me it would be any job at this point. Anything to get me on my feet and taking care of myself. Then my next step would be to save money and get out on my own and show that I am being responsible. I would begin to tell the truth no matter what, even if at first people still didn't believe me. Try to focus more on yourself and what you need to do to fix things for you -- job, inner work, taking responsibility, being honest. Once they see how hard you are working and how responsible you've been I bet they will begin to trust you again.

[xyz]

Dear Loveliketheflowers,
A BIG hug to you for being truthful. And don't be scared dear. See It has been 2yrs since you were telling something else to your grandparents, you can't gain their trust in 2 hrs or 2 weeks or 2 months. Trust building takes time. Just accept the fact that your grandparents have every right to be upset with you. Why not imagine yourself to be in their position? What were your thoughts if your granddaughter were telling you something else for two years and doing things you were doing? Don't be afraid of the repercussions of your action. You are a brave soul. You can get out of it. Surround yourself with good thoughts. By telling the actual things you have done a good job. You should be praised for that. Give your grandparents time to get adjust to a NEW YOU. A warm hug to you. Take care.

[The Cloud]

You don't have to do anything to regain your grandparents' trust but be truthful. If you don't lie to them, they will have no reason to mistrust you. Of course, like you said, allowing yourself to be truthful is difficult, and telling the truth just for the sake of their trust isn't going to work.

The problem is the reasons that you are afraid to tell the truth. Once you're no longer afraid of the truth and of others knowing it, you will no longer have a problem with lieing. My suggestion is, every time you lie or consider lieing to anybody, write the lie down in a private journal along with what you *think the reason for the lie was.

You're not going to be 100% truthful right off the bat, there are very few people so unafraid of themselves as to let others know exactly what they are in truth, but you can at least gain a measure of control over yourself and your compulsion to lie. If you absolutely cannot bring yourself to be truthful in a situation, that's alright, just remember to write down the lie and really ask yourself why the truth was so frightening.

[m0vingon]

Good for you for telling the truth. That alone has to be a huge relief. I'd bet that a few weeks of your grandparents being angry with you won't be as difficult as maintaining a lie for 2 years. Lying is so incredibly draining emotionally and psychically.

I have to say this, though- you sound surprised that your grandparents are upset and angry. I can only imagine that the reaction you're receiving is what you had expected all this time or you would not have felt the need to lie. If you were in their shoes, I'm certain you would be just as upset as they are now. Let them get over it. They have a right to be angry, hurt and worried and you can't change that.

As you are reading the Power of Now, you may be able to understand that you can't change how people react to you, but you do have the power to change how you will react to them. Seek clarity for yourself in the moment. Ask yourself some hard questions- Why did you lie for so long? What is it you are really looking for? and most importantly, How are you going to get closer to where you want to be instead of living what you dread? This is a turning point in your life. Embrace it!

I agree with the PP who suggested that you approach your Grandparents and explain to them that you really do need their help and that you want to make a different life for yourself. And I'm very sorry, but you will have to roll with it and accept that they have a right to be angry.

I think you have an honest desire to excel in life and if you stick around here, you will find a lot of supportive people who can help you achieve your goals.

[dancer]

Well done. You have taken a huge step in taking responsibility and I've got to say that I'm proud of you.

Why are you angry with your grandparents? Remember, it's all about what you choose. If you choose to be a victim, judged, mistrusted etc. blah, why go there? Choose to have a loving, open, trustful and forgiving relationship with everyone in your life and most of all with yourself. Stop playing the blame game, and this includes self blame. Accept what you have done and how your grandparents have reacted. Be grateful that you showed true courage in telling them everything.

Read the pain body section of the Power of Now.

I send you lots of love, support and a hug warm hug.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by dancer

Well done. You have taken a huge step in taking responsibility and I've got to say that I'm proud of you.

Thank you so much dancer for all your support these past months. as you know i have been dealing with a huge load, but its all diminishing now. thank you though, a big huge hug back to you.

man being/becoming an adult is so frustrating. ten years ago i was chilling watching good ole 'Rugrats' and playing super ninetendo and going to girl scout meetings on the weekends. those days are gone though...i just wanted to mention that for some reason. the past is the past though right....

so i been sending off my resume to different jobs posted on craigslist. i got a response and an interview for monday at 9a. i went downstairs and told my grandfather and he said in a not so great kinda upset voice (still) "u can't just get any ole job, any mickey mouse job, u gotta get a career with french benefits [insurance, disability...], what if they fire u whenever......u should get a county job, water and power, or look for studio jobs"...... when i try i still do wrong to them. i was just gonna try to get any job for right now so im not just at home doing nothing.

any advice on where to look for a job? what is a good job for a 22yr old with some college but no degree and doesn't know what her purpose, passion, or what she wants to do? someone wrote one time that u do not need a college degree really to get a good job, but how and where is this at?

man life is rough. i wish i could just buy a degree, that would be sweet. but i know thats not the reality.

any advice.

p.s.
thank you to everyone and your advice. im so Blessed to have found this website on delicious.com. i don't know where i would be at without this place and you kind people and your words you type. thank you thank you THANK YOU! love love.

[The Cloud]

Maybe your career isn't where you want to focus right now. I'm going to be graduating from college in a few months, and I have no desire to seek out a long-term job yet. I have other areas of my life that I want to focus on, so I'm just going to get a place-holder job; one that I can quit whenever I want with no regrets. It probably won't pay as well or have as much of a future as other jobs that I could get, but my career is by no means the most important part of my life or myself.

So if you just want to get a job to make money to support yourself, and work on other areas of your life (meeting new people, learning a new skill, going back to school, taking up a hobby, etc.), then do so. Your mind already knows what would be best for you, you just have to listen to it. Not doing so is just going to lead you down a path that will end up with you feeling stuck with a bunch of obligations that you never wanted in the first place.

It may not seem like it, but it's a good thing that you are starting out so low. You have few obligations that you cannot easily give up. You have the opportunity to build a life that you want from the ground up, piece by piece, without having to go through all the hard work of throwing away all sorts of old worn-out obligations. A fresh start, a new beginning, nothing to lose and everything in the world to gain. The chance to do whatever you want to improve your life without having too many things that you NEED to do (at least I assume so, since you had the time to drive around pretending to go to school.) So get your mediocre place-holder job so that you can feel that you are helping support your own life, and then do whatever your heart tells you to.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

man being/becoming an adult is so frustrating.

See it as an adventure. Life is how you think of it. Cloud is right, you have a clean canvas without debt, children, etc. you can pretty much do what you want.

Have you done vocational guidance testing? I googled and found these links.

Career Key
The Career Key
Take this online, multiple choice, career-determining test to learn which careers are best for you.

Princeton Review Career Quiz The Princeton Review Career Quiz
The Princeton Review Career Quiz analyses your skills and interests and attempts to steer you toward a career. You must register (free) for full quiz results.

California Occupational Guides
http://www.calmis.ca.gov/htmlfile/subject/guide.htm
Over 300 information sheets on a variety of occupations. Each sheet provides information on job duties, working conditions, employment outlook, wages, benefits, entrance requirements, and training.

so i been sending off my resume to different jobs posted on craigslist. i got a response and an interview for monday at 9a. i went downstairs and told my grandfather and he said in a not so great kinda upset voice (still) "u can't just get any ole job, any mickey mouse job, u gotta get a career with french benefits [insurance, disability...], what if they fire u whenever......u should get a county job, water and power, or look for studio jobs"...... when i try i still do wrong to them. i was just gonna try to get any job for right now so im not just at home doing nothing.

You heard your grandfather say: you never do anything right. My interpretation was: he wants only the best for you and is trying to watch your back.

Congratulations on job interview.

Thanks for the hug.

Love

[evelynlim]

It's good that you have decided to tell the truth. Running away does not solve any problem. Yes, of course, your grandparents are going to be disappointed. But you can prove to them that you CAN be different from your mom. It's really up to you to make the right decisions. Choose to live life right!

With much love and support,
Evelyn

[LifeCrisisGuy]

Wake up guys! Take responsibility of your life. If you want to do whatever in your life, do it and take any consequences that come later because of what you have chosen to do. You make your own destiny. No one does.

Good luck to you all.

[Pegasus]

It takes courage to tell the truth. Of course there are going to be consequences! Obviously your grandparents suspected something was up, so it’s good that everything is out in the open.

Consider all the possibilities of what can happen now, and have a plan for each. If your grandparents take away your car, take a bus. Get a job so that you can support yourself if they kick you out. It would be a good start to go ahead and start working and paying them a small amount for rent, even if it’s not the normal rate. It doesn't really matter where you work at this point. If you don't find anything right away, consider volunteering somewhere part-time. Or try a temp agency.

Don’t hide upstairs all the time, or your grandparents will wonder what plot you’re scheming next. You will have to earn their trust back. Be honest and be strong!

[sheffy4]

I haven't read every post carefully, so this might already have been covered, but is there no friends or other relatives you can go stay with temporarily while you get back on your feet?
Oh, and I'm not sure where you live, this might be another way out of the house: try applying for work at a summer camp for kids. You could be a counselor, or if that doesn't suit you, you could work in the kitchen or something. Most of the time camps offer you a room to stay in while you work there for a couple months. Of course, it helps if you like to be active and do outdoor activities.

[Fullcrum]

Congratulations!

You might want to think of this part of your life as rock bottom. From here there is only one direction: up!

What would be the best, coolest, funnest thing you could possibly do if you had no chance of failure? Think of your life at this moment as an architect. If you think about it, your life is at this moment a blank slate and you can take it in any direction you want. So what would you really want to do? Think outside the box.

[CoryLehan]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

so i been sending off my resume to different jobs posted on craigslist. i got a response and an interview for monday at 9a. i went downstairs and told my grandfather and he said in a not so great kinda upset voice (still) "u can't just get any ole job, any mickey mouse job, u gotta get a career with french benefits [insurance, disability...], what if they fire u whenever......u should get a county job, water and power, or look for studio jobs"...... when i try i still do wrong to them. i was just gonna try to get any job for right now so im not just at home
doing nothing.

Your grandpa just wants to make sure you don't make another big mistake. You should find a temporary job, one that you don't plan on working at for more than a few months. Sheffy's suggestion of a counselor is a great idea. Find a job that, once you've thought of what you want to do next (like a cool career, or going back to college), you won't feel the need to stick with your current job. If you'd get a city job like your grandpa suggested, you'd have a better and more secure job, but if you wanted to change, it might be a lot harder than a counseling job where you can just say "I'm going to college, so this will be my last week," and they'd hand you the weekly check and that'd be it. I'm not saying a city job is bad, but don't go looking just for city jobs. Look for a job you'll enjoy, one that you won't have to stick to.

Also when you're applying for a job, if possible, meet the employer in person and hand them your resume, and try to hold at least one minute of conversation. Smile, be serious, be interested, and be enjoyable. They will ALWAYS put someone they've seen in person before someone that's just a piece of paper with words on it. Even if you're not very good with people, and you screw something up during the interview, the fact that you introduced yourself in person shows you're more interested in the job than those other people, and when they call you in for an interview they'll recognize your face. It'll make you more than the stacks of words and numbers applying for the same job, even if their numbers are higher than yours.

Anyway, right now money is one of the least important things you should worry about. A nice city job isn't a bad thing, but don't get it just because someone told you to. Get a job that you really enjoy, one that'd give you time to think about what to do next. In two or three months you'll be back on track.

Also, I'd suggest applying for a few colleges. Even if you don't expect to go to college in the summer or fall, sign up for it anyway. You don't know what might happen in the next few months, and you might want to go back. Better to be safe than sorry.

[loveliketheflowers]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

So what will you do with yourself, when your grandparents die?

i don't really know. live obviously. im really depressed after this guy. i dont even know what i will do. keep living. i thought i was trying, but ppl like u remind me im still nothing. ppl say "STOP WHINING STOP BEING A VICTIM" but look at this devil this evil. whatever. i will think about that all nite. thank u. i still have to find a job and figure it out. many kids my age younger and even older dont know what they are doing either or what they are gong to do. what am i going to do now though. look for a job and do that i guess. but wow do i feel down after reading that. i wish they would of left up what else this person wrote. but right, im being the victim. i really dont like this site anymore cause when i try someone in devil form still tries to tear ya down. thank u for that. but right, im just whining being a lil "B" being a brat being a VICTIM. whatever man, u wont see me post here ever.

[Lucas]

Originally Posted by loveliketheflowers

i don't really know. live obviously. im really depressed after this guy. i dont even know what i will do. keep living. i thought i was trying, but ppl like u remind me im still nothing. ppl say "STOP WHINING STOP BEING A VICTIM" but look at this devil this evil. whatever. i will think about that all nite. thank u. i still have to find a job and figure it out. many kids my age younger and even older dont know what they are doing either or what they are gong to do. what am i going to do now though. look for a job and do that i guess. but wow do i feel down after reading that. i wish they would of left up what else this person wrote. but right, im being the victim. i really dont like this site anymore cause when i try someone in devil form still tries to tear ya down. thank u for that. but right, im just whining being a lil "B" being a brat being a VICTIM. whatever man, u wont see me post here ever.

You are not nothing. You are a genius, a poet, a deity.

No one is trying to tear you down, we are trying to lift you up, but to go up you have to accept that your current reality is the result of all the choices you have made up until now. No one but you has put you in your current position, and no one but you can get you out. If you want to perceive us as being hostile, tearing you down, thats your choice, but the truth remains the same...until you take complete and total responsibility for your life, nothing will ever change.

And we ALL have had to go through the same realization. It's the absolute first step in creating your reality.

[Acting Like Godot]

Don't be mistaken, she only thinks that I am tearing her down - and she's hopping mad at me. You should read the PM she sent me; well, let's just say I am very glad I am not her grand-dad.

I have told her quite bluntly that she needs to pick herself up and learn to look after herself properly. Her grandparents, by virtue of being grandparents, are already senior citizens and won't be around on Planet Earth to look after her indefinitely.

At their age, their greatest concern is probably that they will die or become bedridden or senile, BEFORE loveliketheflowers straightens her thinking and learns to look after herself properly.

She thinks she's having a crisis? It's her grandparents who are having a crisis.

Okay, I am a little harsh. Let me rephrase that - she may be having a crisis too, but then her grandparents are DEFINITELY having a HUGE crisis too - over her.

Let me put it this way:

A teenager lies to her primary caregivers ...... for two entire YEARS .... (while living under the same roof) ...... about what's she doing. She says that she has been, and still is, attending college, but for two entire YEARS ....... she's spinning around or hiding God knows where ..... Doing absolutely nothing. It's not even as if she pretended to be in college, while secretly pursuing a plan or some dream or passion or calling that her grandparents wouldn't have approved of (like, you know, studying art or becoming a dancer or preparing to become a nun, or saving the whales, or something ...) ...

...... Now, if this young lady doesn't straighten up her thinking in a big way, where do you see her life going, in a year's time? 5 years' time? 10 years? Treat that as a serious question. WHERE do you see her life headed? I'm sorry to say that my own answer is - in an utterly dismal direction.

Now, I do not think that her situation is hopeless. I am a highly optimistic person. I used to work in the criminal legal system - I've known numerous criminals and convicts - and I've known a few hardcore criminals, who faced circumstances far more disastrous than loveliketheflowers'; and who nevertheless eventually managed to turn their lives around, in a big, BIG way.

But it's not easy and the first vital step is self-awareness and personal responsibility. You have GOT to see that this is YOUR own life, and YOU have to make the right choices for yourself, and you have GOT to STOP blaming your grandparents, or your parents, or anonymous strangers on the Internet, for your lousy life. And you have to STAND UP and take charge of your life, because .....

...... it's your own life. No one else can live it for you.

[ticktockclok]

I think you're being a little bit harsh on her, Acting Like Godot. The point at which you are in life is less important than the velocity of your life. A little bit before, the velocity was in a negative direction and fast. Now it's going in the positive direction and fast. She may not be taking total responsibility yet, but going from total deceit to telling truth is a pretty big step.

[Acting Like Godot]

I know. I did tell her that she did a good thing by telling the truth.

Problem is, if you read her own post, you'll see that she's currently not convinced that it was a good thing. She wrote:

"i should of jus kept lying.....now my car is probably gonna be taken away, now i can't go anywhere im stuck in this house, no friends, no no one ..."

In other words, after seeing her grandparents' reaction, she REGRETTED telling the truth. She thinks she made a big mistake by telling the truth.

---

I accept that I may have overreacted and been harsh. Her account kinda pressed a button for me, because I have a brother-in-law whose current life situation has some similarities (IMO) with lovewiththeflowers.

Basically the chap has been a bum for a good part of his life, and he finally "imported" a woman from some village in distant China (one of those "instant bride" sort of thing). Now they live with his mother (I should say - "live off his mother"). He's been jobless for a long time and can't be bothered to try to get a job. Hangs around for two years doing essentially nothing (like lovewiththe flowers).

And NOW .... his uneducated, unskilled, non-English-speaking wife is pregnant. What does he want to do? He's contemplating two options:

(1) Abort the baby.

(2) Send her back to China on her own and leave her to do whatever she likes with the child. And hope she never manages to find her way back. (Oh, he's NOT planning to support the child at all, in case you're wondering).

And what other plans does he have, for himself? NOTHING. Again, quite similar to you-know-who. He just plans to continue living off his mother (who is also a senior citizen and constantly wondering what her son is going to do, after she dies, becomes bedridden or senile).

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

I accept that I may have overreacted and been harsh. Her account kinda pressed a button for me, because I have a brother-in-law whose current life situation has some similarities (IMO) with lovewiththeflowers.

I agree with your point of view 100%. I've been on both sides of the fence and from the outside looking in I can see that loveliketheflowers is still very much immature and unwilling to take responsibility for the life she's created.

Once upon a time I was in a similar situation to hers. My mother has been a drug addict and alcoholic my entire life. My grandparents who were very old and super conservative took me in. During my teenage years I rebelled, lashed out, participated in self destructive behavior, became addicted to drugs and even became pregnant. I was terrified to tell my grandparents because I knew they'd freak out. I hid my pregnancy from them until I was 6 months along and when I told them they promptly kicked me out on the street to fend for myself.

Luckily I was able to pull it together and embark on my journey to adulthood. I was just 16 at the time they kicked me out and have been on my own ever since. I ended up keeping the baby who is now almost 8 and I credit that single event for changing my life. Back then I thought it was the end of the world. I couldn't believe my grandparents would be so cruel. They went so far as to refuse to let me visit while I was pregnant because the neighbors would see and what would they think? My grandmother told me I was an embarrassment.

At some point in life you have to take a stand and decide what YOU are going to do about your life. No one else will be there to lead you. In my opinion its a lot harder to live a life you didn't choose for yourself then to create a life you want.

Take it from me, someone who has been in your shoes 10 times over. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. Sure I struggled for the first few years living in mediocre housing with a less then stellar job but I did what I took to build a life for myself that I could be proud of. Eventually my grandparents came around and they love both of my children to death. (I eventually married and had a daughter.) My grandmother passed away a few years back and I knew when she died that she was proud of what I'd become even if she never told me so.

Hang in there, there's so much more to life then what you see right now

Tanya