Yes another depression story.

[Kryptik]

I know you all don't want to hear this again. But I have to let it out.

My life is going great right now, I have some good friends, no health issues, a new job (got hired today), you name it. I hate my life. I just can't find any joy out of anything right now. It's 11PM here, I'm not doing homework I would have done hours ago normally, I have my favorite class tomorrow but I don't wanna go... Search and Rescue Wednesday and all weekend and I'm really thinking of just skipping out (those that know me know that SAR is my favorite thing in life)

I just feel so alone. I try to change my mindset and it won't work. Haven't talked to any friends for weeks cause I feel like I'm just wasting their time so I've chased em away. I just can't stop eying the pills in the drawer or the knife in my room. It sounds morbid but I just can't stand life right now. I've always had trouble relating to people but it's never gotten this bad. I just don't want to live.

I'm really scaring myself here. I don't want to have to deal with this anymore. What can I do?!?!

[xyz]

Why are you thinking like this? Deep down you think that you don't deserve all this happiness ? For a while why not you try to help someone who really needs you? I think your wonderful country may always need some volunteers for physically challenged or spastic children or do some work in old age home. You will realize how many people need you and want to spend time with. If possible someday visit a third world country. For a change reach out to those who really need you.

[xyz]

I just can't stop eying the pills in the drawer or the knife in my room.
---------
Throw these things away right now. They are the most useless things in your room right now. You don't need these stupid things.

[xyz]

I was reading your blog and other posts. Believe me, you are such a nice person and we need more and more people like you in this world. I was a teacher and I taught hundreds of students. But a student like you will be any teacher's dream. I very rarely come across a person like you. You are a gem. Keep up the good work and don't entertain negative thoughts. They are not worth it.

[Honeywith4bees]

First off, please go so a Doctor, right away. Reach out to your family and friends and tell them what you have told us. Do you have any family near by? Is your Mother close to you? Tell your Mother. Don't worry that any one will judge you, they won't, they will love you!

Depression is insipid and insidious. I read yesterday that depression can be like a vine that slowly, year after year, wraps itself around the trunk of a stately and grand tree. One day we walk into the forest, and the tree is smothered by the vine. Yet still, small leaves poke out, trying desperately to find the sun. Sometimes medication will loosen the strangle hold the vine has on the tree. Many other things are required to bring strength back to the trees trunk.

Do you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Could you get a light box? Do you exercise? Eat well?

Please, let us know how you are doing.

I will be thinking and worrying! until you do!

[Michelle]

Big hugs to you. I know how it feels to work so incredibly hard on one's self, on having a good life, on being a good person and still have it all be unfulfilling, meaningless, and have nothing seem to work out. There was a time when I imagined laying myself down in a river and sinking simply because all the pain and suffering inside of me was too exhausting.

What helped me:

1. Therapy. This was a really big help. Important is being happy with the therapist.
2. Paraliminals. The "You Deserve It" (this one most of all), "New History Generator", "Belief" have been very helpful for me. If I could give one gift to each person I meet it would be the "You Deserve It" Paraliminal. Buy it!
3. Throwing in the Towel. I stubbornly threw away my career and studies after 8 years because I didn't feel good about them. This relieved a lot of pressure. After a few months I started to feel a bit better. I feel better each day while working on myself and do almost nothing I don't want.
4. The "Highly Sensitive People" books by Elaine Aron and "Making Work Work for Highly Sensitive People" have also been extremely enlightening.
5. Realizing that taking my physical life won't mean that my suffering is over. Since anything we don't deal with in this life follows us into the next, it is worth sticking it out. That doesn't mean you can't get yourself the help and support you need.

[The Cloud]

The way it sounds, this mood is a relatively recent occurrence. Is there anything that has happened to trigger it? Did you just wake up one day and realize that you hate your life, or did something happen? If it was the former, then what do you think it is about your life that is the most problematic?

I could be way off here, but the way it sounds you've realized that you're living a life that you never wanted, and you just can't stand the hypocrisy anymore. Again, I'm just guessing, but I suspect that you want to do something totally different with your life and that you started doing the things that your life is currently composed of because of coercion of some sort, whether from your parents or society or friends or whatever.

Whatever the reason, just remember that the current course of your life is not set in stone. There is nothing stopping you from dropping what you're doing and totally changing direction other than your acceptance of what you are doing as a fact of life. You may be thinking of what you're doing as completely necessary and unable to be changed, so you'd rather die than continue living like this. You aren't powerless, and you can change things. Just keep that in mind.

[Kryptik]

Originally Posted by xyz

Why are you thinking like this? Deep down you think that you don't deserve all this happiness ? For a while why not you try to help someone who really needs you?

I try that a lot already, I mean I volunteer at the hospital, save people lost in the woods, etc. If I try to help anymore and put more people first I won't have time with my family anymore lol.

Originally Posted by xyz

I was reading your blog and other posts. Believe me, you are such a nice person and we need more and more people like you in this world. I was a teacher and I taught hundreds of students. But a student like you will be any teacher's dream. I very rarely come across a person like you. You are a gem. Keep up the good work and don't entertain negative thoughts. They are not worth it.

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words.

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

First off, please go so a Doctor, right away. Reach out to your family and friends and tell them what you have told us. Do you have any family near by? Is your Mother close to you? Tell your Mother. Don't worry that any one will judge you, they won't, they will love you!

Do you suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder? Could you get a light box? Do you exercise? Eat well?

I saw a doctor today.. she didn't do anything but talked to me. Kinda sounds like SAD, maybe situational depression (things piling up without having time to recover). I exercise a bit, not enough, eat terrible cause I'm always gone and running here or there. Trying to improve, bringing healthy snacks to school and stuff. It's hard though.

Originally Posted by The Cloud

The way it sounds, this mood is a relatively recent occurrence. Is there anything that has happened to trigger it? Did you just wake up one day and realize that you hate your life, or did something happen? If it was the former, then what do you think it is about your life that is the most problematic?

I actually like the way I'm going with a lot of stuff, I want to be a cop so I'm doing a lot of things related to that. It's mostly just too much, all at once. It's overwhelming, I hate the high school, I hate the people that go there. Like I said before, it's just everything at once.

Thanks all, I appreciate the concern.

[Andreas]

Hi, Kryptik.

Would you believe me if I said I can totally relate? Seems like many people are struggling with incongruity in their lives right now, myself included. What's important is asking yourself why you dislike (and why you enjoy) certain parts of your life. This is the beginning of self-understanding.

Also realize that high school is certainly not the highlight of your life. I enjoyed college much more.

Steve recommends journalling to sort-out your thoughts. Oh, look at this old gem I found: http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...-solving-tool/

Stay alive, man! You have something unique that only you can give to the world. Don't pass from this planet without sharing it!

[xyz]

Kryptik, I am so happy that you went to a doctor and trying to sort things out. :-).

[Honeywith4bees]

Kryptick ~

Have you talked to your family about this at all? Sometimes it can be difficult to let on to your family that you are feeling down. Maybe you are afraid that people may not think the way you want them to think about you if you show some vulnerability. But I don't think that will be the case.

If you think it might be SAD, could you try taking walks every day in the sunshine? Even 20 minutes a day helps me tremendously, that and fish oil supplements.

It sounds to me like you are on a great path, you seem to know what you want to do in life, you are taking steps to get there and doing things you enjoy in the process. Maybe you could just use a break to sit back and process for awhile.

Will you keep us updated?

[wolfgang]

That option about to take pills or the knife of coarse is something that can be viewed as murder (self murder). So then you wouldn't want to commit murder, right?

It's too bad you are in a funk. It almost sounds like you are surrendering to all the external hoop-la. Something is making you look inside for meaning while the outside doesn't seem to have the same meaning as it used to.

I would say read "Dark Nights of the Soul" by Thomas Moore. Amazon.com: Dark Nights of the Soul: Books: Thomas Moore (don't know it that link works, but google for the book will work) Helped me understand a deep funk I had. The ideas are to embrace whatever this is in such a way that brings you through it with purpose and creativity, instead of avoiding it or going into denial or thinking it's something really bad to "get rid off". Kind of ironic, but sometimes loosing a sense of purpose is exactly what refocuses your purpose.

[mncz]

Kryptik, GO SEE A PSYCHIATRIST RIGHT AWAY. It will help you. Depression is treatable and, eventually, curable. You might want to do some personal development work with it, in fact, it would do a lot of things for you, but if you do not see the doctor as soon as you can, there is a chance that you might not make it.
Not that getting out of depression is easy or fast, but it is possible and you will be able to enjoy a much better life after that.

[Andrew Brunelle]

WE all fell this way from time to time. It is not your fault. Perhaps you need to get some medicine or perhaps you can work this out on your own. I have had these thought numerous times throughout my life, but I knew myself I would never actually do what I was thinking. Maybe I know deep down what it would do to the people around me. You just have to find a reason to get better. Good luck.

[cacheborn]

Hey mate,
please follow the advise of the doctor to the T. You may feel that you are just talking but its the standard way to initiate therapy. Also, you may want to ask the doctor to give you some antidepressents. Talking to some family/friend is also a good idea.
Please dont do anything rash and do tell us how you are getting on.
cheer up, mate! it's going to be all right!

[Honeywith4bees]

Wondering how you're doing today Kryptick . . .

[Kryptik]

Originally Posted by Honeywith4bees

If you think it might be SAD, could you try taking walks every day in the sunshine? Even 20 minutes a day helps me tremendously, that and fish oil supplements.

Haha, I live in Washington.... no sun here. Feeling a little better today, been keeping busy, college/high school is busy, hospital as well... search and rescue tonight. I've just been trying to surround myself with people. Talking to my parents about letting me do Crossfit (personal fitness program that I've been wanting to do for a while). So I'm doing a little better right now.

Can't wait till summer till we might get some sun once in a while.

Thank you all. <33

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by Kryptik

I've just been trying to surround myself with people. Talking to my parents about letting me do Crossfit (personal fitness program that I've been wanting to do for a while). So I'm doing a little better right now.

Can't wait till summer till we might get some sun once in a while.

I'm glad you're surrounding yourself with people, the social support is good for us during winter's dark days. And yes, very little sun here in New England this winter, so I can't wait til summer too!!

Thanks for the update, Kryptik, and good luck!