Predisposed to Unhappiness?

[Spartan]

Hey, I'm young (20), have no responsibilities, I'm at a good college surrounded by people my own age, and yet I still struggle to find any enjoyment out of life! Most social interactions feel vacuous and I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself. I get angry, sad, anxious, confused, apathetic, but I rarely get happy!? Some people say that if I don't enjoy life now then I never will! Is this true? Is it true that no matter what comes into my life, e.g. good job, girlfriend, wife, kids etc, I will never be happy? I feel like Bill Murray in the film Groundhog Day. Will life always be such a burden?

[Lola]

Hi Spartan -

First of all, I think all those people that say things like "Enjoy high school / college, they're the best years of your life," are full of it. Those years, in my opinion, are far from the best. So in that regard, take heart! The best is yet to come!

However, I would encourage you that happiness (joy is my preferred word, BTW) at any stage of life is not something you find or something you get or even something someone else makes possible for you. Happiness is a choice. It is a mindset. It is a conscious way of life. You become happiness. You create happiness. You BE happiness.

As long as you look for it in people or activities outside of yourself, you will continue to meet with frustration.

[Spartan]

Thanks Lola, I appreciate your response and feel better after reading it.

The thing is how can I not look for happiness outside of myself? As long as I have desires I will continue to do so - won't I? And I'm not some Buddhist monk who has freed himself of all desires. I want to live a normal life anyway, not that of a Buddhist monk.

I appreciate that my happiness is my responsibility, but I find it very difficult to choose my emotions. And I'm not entirely sure that emotions can indeed be chosen. I find it hard enough to force a smile, let alone force an emotion!

I try to look on the bright side of life, live with hope etc, however lately that hope is dwindling. I know I can achieve academic success, but social success is where I have problems. I often feel like I'm letting people down and not being friendly enough towards them, or showing them my best side. And as of late I have started to feel anxiety when having to speak to certain people, since I struggle to connect with them and feel like I don't fit in with them. Everyday I feel like I have to prove myself all over again, and this is wearing me down. I sometimes find it hard to relax in the presence of other people, and am concious of the fact that I'm appearing far too uptight. All of this is making me lose hope in my ability to achieve my social and relationship goals.

[Steve Olson]

The people who "Be happy now, it's the best time of your life." Don't know sh!t. The social stuff in school or college is enough to drive some people crazy.

One thing I hear coming from you, is...

You sound like you feel guilty or weird because you aren't happy. That's a problem isn't it? How will you feel happy when you keep punishing yourself? Catch 22.

I felt a lot like you when I was 20. I'm 38 now and these are the best day of my life. To people younger than me... I say 15 is hard, 20 is a little better, 25 gets even better, and after that life doesn't feel so awkward. People everywhere start to treat you like a grown up, like your opinions count.

I don't have any advice, other than maybe you need a change of scenery, or need to meet some new people, maybe a new hobby to distract you. Search for your passion.

Be yourself and do the best you can. It'll all work out.

[Sam988]

I don't believe that "high school/college is the best part of your life" either.

The best advice i can give you, Spartan, is this: Picture what you would like your life to be, what kind of life and lifestyle would make you the happiest. Then make a plan to get there. Create this main goal of having the life you want and various smaller goals that you can work on day-to-day, and that will bring you one step closer to your main goal. Then go for it.


This way, even when things look the ugliest in your life, your goal will be your motivator and you won't be unhappy, because you know where you're going, you have a purpose.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Spartan

I try to look on the bright side of life, live with hope etc, however lately that hope is dwindling. I know I can achieve academic success, but social success is where I have problems. I often feel like I'm letting people down and not being friendly enough towards them, or showing them my best side. And as of late I have started to feel anxiety when having to speak to certain people, since I struggle to connect with them and feel like I don't fit in with them. Everyday I feel like I have to prove myself all over again, and this is wearing me down. I sometimes find it hard to relax in the presence of other people, and am concious of the fact that I'm appearing far too uptight. All of this is making me lose hope in my ability to achieve my social and relationship goals.

The sort of things that work for me (using your examples) is to determine for myself what constitutes success in my mind rather than trying to guess what some arbitrary benchmark may or may not be in someone else's mind. When am I pleased with myself and my accomplishments? Am I letting myself down? How can I be friendlier (more loving, accepting) towards myself? Am I giving myself my best self? Am I connecting with myself?

Developing a genuine, accepting, relaxed relationship with and within yourself will translate very easily to genuine, accepting, relaxed relationships with others. And be easy on yourself. If you're not used to treating yourself with kindness it can take some time to get used to it.

[nick pagan]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Hey, I'm young (20), have no responsibilities, I'm at a good college surrounded by people my own age, and yet I still struggle to find any enjoyment out of life! Most social interactions feel vacuous and I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself. I get angry, sad, anxious, confused, apathetic, but I rarely get happy!? Some people say that if I don't enjoy life now then I never will! Is this true? Is it true that no matter what comes into my life, e.g. good job, girlfriend, wife, kids etc, I will never be happy? I feel like Bill Murray in the film Groundhog Day. Will life always be such a burden?

I entirely sympathize with you. If you are continually trying to prove yourself then you probably have a big 'overhead' of expectations about life and yourself that maybe just aren't that important or valuable - especially when they prevent you from enjoying life in the moment. I find that acceptance of my limitations and forgiveness of myself for having them goes a very long way in getting back to feeling cheerful.

I wrote a little post about cheerfulness, with a few tips, here: The Art of Cheerfulness (and How to Get More of It) (now with added cute baby pics so it really is a must see!)

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Hey, I'm young (20), have no responsibilities, I'm at a good college surrounded by people my own age, and yet I still struggle to find any enjoyment out of life!

Oh ... Well then, what do you enjoy?

Most social interactions feel vacuous

That's ok. Some people are extroverted, some people are introverted. If you don't feel like interacting so much with others, then don't. Me, I can be pretty happy by myself.

and I always feel like I'm trying to prove myself.

To who?

I get angry, sad, anxious, confused, apathetic, but I rarely get happy!? Some people say that if I don't enjoy life now then I never will! Is this true?

Nonsense. I enjoy life a lot now and I finished college long ago.

Is it true that no matter what comes into my life, e.g. good job, girlfriend, wife, kids etc, I will never be happy?

Nah. As a matter of fact, there are lots of happy people around who don't have any of those things you mentioned. Many little kids, for example, are quite happy.

[Old Soul]

Can you not find joy within while doing the all the life stuff

hey I find myself singing while cleaning toiltets , joy is like a poem... it comes from inside and no matter what your circumstances, they can not take this away

oh sometimes it is still but it never ever goes away!!! that my friend is truly awsome

[Spartan]

Thanks for all your responses.

I think I need to accept my character flaws and stop giving myself such a hard time. Eventually my time will come... I hope.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Spartan

but I find it very difficult to choose my emotions. And I'm not entirely sure that emotions can indeed be chosen. I find it hard enough to force a smile, let alone force an emotion!

I don't believe that we can choose our emotions either. A lot of people do get very good at suppressing them though.

For example, I've been told that we can choose how we react to things. If somebody does something annoying/stupid, we can choose how we react to that. Personally, I tried that. I started getting good at suppressing anger/frustration when other people do things that annoy me. But it never got rid of that split-second initial negative emotion. And sometimes, I would let my emotion take over.

Instead, I learned to release certain external expectations, needs, beliefs or desires that I can't really control. I found this to be more effective. So instead, I released the expectation that people will act in a way that I want them to act.

How does this apply to you? Create desires that you know you can fulfill. Do you have any hobbies? Expand on those and create new ones. You might find people that enjoy the same things that you can relate to.

edit: p.s. I also recommend Nick Pagan's blog

[Angela]

Forcing an emotion, like forcing a smile, is not the same thing as choosing to feel good.

Your emotions are there for a reason -- to guide you in generating your life. If you feel bad, something's going on that needs looking at. Trying to slap on a smile, or force yourself to feel good, not only won't work, it will also keep you in a state of avoidance about the thoughts that had you feeling bad -- that's how you get stuck.

When you choose to feel good, it's an indirect thing, because first you have to accept and acknowledge the thoughts that had you feeling bad, and then choose thoughts that have you feeling a little better and get you in an upward spiral. First the though,then the emotion. And it is absolutely a choice: you can choose to stay with the thoughts that have you feeling bad, and you can choose to look for something that works better. That is entirely, 100% up to you.

There are plenty of ways that we have discussed turning your thoughts in a direction that will have you feeling a little better. One of my favorites is the new Hicks' book, The Astonishing Power of Emotions, and also the Processes that we've talked about all over these forums. It doesn't take much to start feeling a lot better -- it just takes using the power you have over your own thoughts.

z1freeride, you're talking about that snap-bad feeling that you don't feel you can control, but it's just (just!) a matter of lengthening the space between the stimulus and the response. It's simple, but not necessarily easy. Sure is worth practicing, though! The more you practice, the bigger the space, the more sense of control.

You have the power!

[Spartan]

Originally Posted by z1freeride

Instead, I learned to release certain external expectations, needs, beliefs or desires that I can't really control. I found this to be more effective. So instead, I released the expectation that people will act in a way that I want them to act[/url]

Yes, this is my goal, to become indifferent to outcomes. I have realised that if you are comfortable with your own values, then it doesn't really matter what people are thinking about you - if it's negative then they just have different values to you. I can accept that they're different to me, so if they can't accept my difference then I have no time for them.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Angela

Forcing an emotion, like forcing a smile, is not the same thing as choosing to feel good.

Your emotions are there for a reason -- to guide you in generating your life. If you feel bad, something's going on that needs looking at. Trying to slap on a smile, or force yourself to feel good, not only won't work, it will also keep you in a state of avoidance about the thoughts that had you feeling bad -- that's how you get stuck.

When you choose to feel good, it's an indirect thing, because first you have to accept and acknowledge the thoughts that had you feeling bad, and then choose thoughts that have you feeling a little better and get you in an upward spiral. First the though,then the emotion. And it is absolutely a choice: you can choose to stay with the thoughts that have you feeling bad, and you can choose to look for something that works better. That is entirely, 100% up to you.

There are plenty of ways that we have discussed turning your thoughts in a direction that will have you feeling a little better. One of my favorites is the new Hicks' book, The Astonishing Power of Emotions, and also the Processes that we've talked about all over these forums. It doesn't take much to start feeling a lot better -- it just takes using the power you have over your own thoughts.

z1freeride, you're talking about that snap-bad feeling that you don't feel you can control, but it's just (just!) a matter of lengthening the space between the stimulus and the response. It's simple, but not necessarily easy. Sure is worth practicing, though! The more you practice, the bigger the space, the more sense of control.

You have the power!

True, I do believe lengthening the space between the stimulus and the response can help. I just look at things a little differently:

Emotion = desire - result. Let's say a desire is expecting people to always say hi to me when I say hi to them. If the result is in the negative, or when people don't say hi, then I'll feel negative.

So instead, I change my desire to something like: I don't expect people to say hi. Some people might be having a bad day. That's fine. I'm still going to say hi. This is a much easier desire to fulfill (since I'm in complete control of my desire) and will always lead to a positive.

I do have the power.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by Spartan

Yes, this is my goal, to become indifferent to outcomes. I have realised that if you are comfortable with your own values, then it doesn't really matter what people are thinking about you - if it's negative then they just have different values to you. I can accept that they're different to me, so if they can't accept my difference then I have no time for them.

I think that in order to become indifferent to outcomes, you have to change your desires or expectations first. I think it's harder to hold on to your old expectations and after the fact try to change/suppress your emotions.

This is something I'm working on too! I think it takes daily practice to get those unrealistic expectations out of your mind.