Question on "Act as if..."

[Chado2423]

I'm having a problem with the Act as if... point of view...
While on one hand I want to change and be a better person, I don't want to pretend that I am something or someone I am not. I indeed do want to change into who I want to be, but how can I get there without disregarding who I really am right now? I don't want to pretend to be more confident, if my confidence is truly lacking, I don't want to plaster a fake smile on my face, if I am not truly happy in my soul... I do want to eventually achieve happiness, but I don't see any genuine retrospect coming from this theory of "act as if" and besides I've tried this approach with my friends, and they see right through the guise and mire, and they can sense that I am more troubled than I am pretending to be. So what does "Act as if..." truly mean... to pretend to be something we are not, until it becomes a reality seems contrary than actually becoming something we are not. I'm going nowhere in life... I'm moving like a zombie... I'm just a sad depressed loser, who seems incapable of growing up and making his own choices. I used to be different, but I don't know how to go back to that. I used to make a lot of choices that positively impacted both my life and the lives of others, but lately I've failed in that endevour.

[Marco Polo]

This is basically the "fake it until you make it" approach. I also have my doubts about it, but nevertheless, I'm convinced that it works for some people. For instance, just a simple thing such as improving your stature (chest out, stomach in etc.) can greatly increase your feeling of confidence.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

This is basically the "fake it until you make it" approach. I also have my doubts about it, but nevertheless, I'm convinced that it works for some people. For instance, just a simple thing such as improving your stature (chest out, stomach in etc.) can greatly increase your feeling of confidence.

But I don't want to change just my posture, or one aspect of my being, I want to change my whole life, I want to be happy and content, and feeling at peace and warm with my life again... I really don't see how faking my way into my relationship with my former friends will really change anything... won't they catch on to my fraudulent endevour? I used to have more poise, and be more confident... but I lost my whole feeling of confidence, and self-worth.

[Marco Polo]

Yeah, this is obviously a very superficial approach, and it won't solve any deep-rooted confidence problems. Which is why I said that I have my doubts about it.

Honestly, I don't think I can help you much without more context. But I think you need to drop this idea that you have to change your whole life in some profound sense. By creating such an ambitious (and frankly vague) goal you're setting yourself up for dissapointment.

Personal development is not an all or nothing deal. If you want to build your overall confidence you'll have to start small. One thing you can do is to create a good morning routine. This is excellent because it will help to "set the tone" for the rest of your day. This is how you could spend the first 40 minutes after you wake up.
a) get out of bed as quickly as humanely possible
b) do some stretching and light exercise (e.g. jogging and pushups)
c) splash some cold water in your face or take a shower
c) read some PD material on the internet (or just print some copies)

Try this routine for 5 days in a row and evaluate how it improves the quality of your days. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find that it creates a ripple effect that makes it easier to improve on other aspects of your life. That could be a start at least.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

But I don't want to change just my posture, or one aspect of my being, I want to change my whole life, I want to be happy and content, and feeling at peace and warm with my life again...

Remember, Personal Development isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. A marathon is run one step at a time. Gotta do the warmup first, then you pace yourself, doing one step at a time as you move on. Gotta take breaks for water, and other nourishments, and keep on moving with the end goal clearly in mind. One step at a time gets you closer to your goal.

[dougm]

Chado-

Until you can learn to let go of the things that you can not control you will always be in a "act as if". You can only control your reaction to any situation. So keep a possitive attitude and set some short and long term goals for yourself. (5 short and 2 long) as you achieve each goal, drop the one you made and add a new one at the end. Before to long your confidence will be on track and your friends will notice.

DJ

[bravebluemice]

Don't think of it as disregarding who you are now. Things like confidence and happiness are energies of within. They aren't something you can lack. What you can lack is expressing them.

Instead of plastering a fake smile on your face, give it a reason. Think of a funny anecdote, smile appropriately, and bring your happiness to a conscious level.

If you're not 'feeling' confident, just remember that it's the expressing of the confidence that you're not doing. Tap the inner resivoir, take a deep breath, and know that you are right in what you're doing. Consciously kick out doubt.

The 'fake it till you make it' approach in these matters is a little bit of a misnomer, because it's not that you're faking it, you're bringing about conscious change. Remember I said conscious change.

When you raise your level of awareness such that you can consciously tell yourself that you are happy, you are happy. When you can consciously smite doubt, confidence flows in easily.

Instead of acting as if, consciously decide to be.

Good Luck,
~BraveBlueMice

[Acting Like Godot]

My friend, you are ALREADY acting as if ...

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I'm going nowhere in life... I'm moving like a zombie... I'm just a sad depressed loser, who seems incapable of growing up and making his own choices.

Right now you are acting as if you are a zombie, a sad depressed loser going nowhere in life.

This is the script you have currently chosen for yourself. If you don't like it, choose again.

[Tim Brownson]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

My friend, you are ALREADY acting as if ...



Right now you are acting as if you are a zombie, a sad depressed loser going nowhere in life.

This is the script you have currently chosen for yourself. If you don't like it, choose again.

That's kinda tough, but also kind of true.

Some of the real greats in our society fake it regularly. Go and read a few autobiographies.

BTW, are you confident that you can find your way to your favorite store? If the answer is yes, then you have all the confidence you'll vere need you're just struggling to tap into it when you need it.

Perception is reality my friend.

[smartile]

Hi Chado2423,

You may want to start by giving yourself a break. You seem to be pretty hard on yourself, which isn't uncommon. I know I'm my hard on myself and at times I can be my own worst enemy, but that's a great thing to know. It's means I'm in control, not anyone else.

If you want to change, change your focus. You might start by asking different questions. People who are always down and out ask terrible questions of themselves. Start asking more powerful questions. You could start with,

"If I was confident, sexy, rich and a great lover what would I do?
...how would I act?
...what would I think?

See what kind of response that gets you - be persistent and mentally change your focus. If you're looking for some inspiration, check out: Change

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by smartile

"If I was confident, sexy, rich and a great lover what would I do?
...how would I act?
...what would I think?

I most certainly wouldn';t be here moping every day... crying over my lost love, feeling depressed for so long; trying to convince myself that things will get better. How would I act, much differently than I am acting now. What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now, but I don't know what are the right thoughts to think. I've tried affirmations but I just keep feeling like I'm lieing to myself.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Have you read this article of Steve's? You say affirmations make you feel like you are lieing to yourself. He talks about that here:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...tive-thinking/

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now, but I don't know what are the right thoughts to think. I've tried affirmations but I just keep feeling like I'm lieing to myself.

You feel like you're lying to yourself. Why? The usual reason is that the affirmations you are using are too faraway from your current situation.

For example, you may feel downright depressed. But you pick an affirmation like "I am so glad to be alive!". Basically this is too faraway from where you currently are, and therefore you feel that you're lying to yourself.

What you need to do is to reach for slightly better thoughts, slightly better thoughts, slightly better thoughts ..... and keep reaching, again and again. See Abraham Hicks books for examples.

[Dive Bomb]

I think the "act as if" phrase can work as long as you do it in a sensible way. I throw in the word sensible because you shouldn't do something you know you can't handle. Steve pretty much advocates this in his "Faster Goal Achievment" podcast where he speaks about how you would act if you have already achieved that goal.

Say your goal is to improve your physical appearence. Using the "act as if" approach would benefit you if you realized that if you had a great physical body you would eat right and workout. The wrong way to use th "act as if" principle would be to ignore your problem and pretend that you are great looking while you strut around the beach.

[elastigirl]

I like to act as if its about to happen and I am in deep preparation

[Chado2423]

I feel so emotionally unstable... I don't want to "act as if" I am confident and happy, I want to BE confident and happy again. I just want to live a normal life again. But I don't know how to get there.

[SonoranBob]

To BE something takes time and effort. You have to start someplace, and it's not going to pervade every area of your life at once. You're not approaching this realistically by demanding that this operate the way you want rather than the way it actually works.

You are resisting this technique because you insist on "feelings first". But the truth is that feelings are largely a product of your mental habits, they are not something that falls from the sky.

At the very least, there is some value for some people in "act as if". I personally think there is more value in it than most people are willing to give it credit for. In the recent (and generally good) book The How of Happiness, this technique was researched with respect to feelings of happiness. It was found that:

1) When a person is happy, blood flow increases to a particular part of the brain (left frontal lobe if I reacall correctly)

2) When a person smiles or even sees someone else smile, even when they are not actually feeling happy at the moment, blood flow increases to the same area (although not as strongly)

3) When a person applies a program of "acting" happy they tend, over a period of a few days, to feel much happier.

This strongly suggests that we are constructed to respond to certain stimuli quite independent of our circumstances. And that fits with the rather provocative conclusions of the rest of the book, which, highly condensed, are:

50% of your subjective happiness is a genetic set-point to which you tend to return within one year of all negative or positive events. People who win the lottery are on average no happier one year later. People who use the use of their legs are on balance no less happy one year later.

A mere 10% of your subjective happiness is a due to your circumstances.

40% of your subjective happiness is a result of your mental habits and is within your control and influence through a variety of fairly simple techniques.

--Bob G

[smartile]

I love it! You were showing signs of changing your focus in the text you wrote:

How would I act, much differently than I am acting now. What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now

I would suggest you keep focusing on the questions that lead to those thoughts. Be persistent. You're continually creating your experience in every moment and you can easily change when you continually CHOOSE.

James Ray said it perfectly,

"What you're experiencing now is not because of where are are, it's because of where you were."

Food for thought,

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by smartile

I would suggest you keep focusing on the questions that lead to those thoughts. Be persistent. You're continually creating your experience in every moment and you can easily change when you continually CHOOSE.

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

ADHD symptoms gotten worse after attempt to apologize to my ex-gf failed. I don't know if it is because of the breakup or something else. But, I've had extreme irritability, paranoia, deep depressive episodes, and some mild mania. Things I am not normally customed to experience with this severity. I used to live a normal, happy, healthy, productive life-style.

What would I think if I didn't have ADHD. What would I think if I was a happy, healthy person. What thoughts am I supposed to think to get myself back to normalcy? Seriously, I'm asking. What thoughts do normal relatively happy people think?

[oberlee]

It's tough--I know, you can't honestly be happy if you need something to be turned around 180 degrees. Or, I should rephrase that--it's VERY hard. The best I can say is work at it every day, and try to find a glimmer here and there. Eventually, those glimmers will manifest something to make your life one step better, until you can more plausibly "act as if..." That's helped me.

The other thing, though, is to not disregard your feelings. They are just feelings, and they can be overridden, but they need to speak. I found help with the Sedona Method on these types of things--it allows you to define the emotion, welcome it, feel it, and then let it go. If you're grieving, you need to give yourself time. Not too much--but the more you resist feeling badly, the more it will haunt you.

Hope that helps.

[Chado2423]

[QUOTE=Chado2423;157637] [QUOTE]
All I ever wanted to do was be a better friend to my ex-gf. But that just doesn't seem realistic. When I went to go apologize she turned my apology down. I was hurt, and my night-terrors have increased, and I haven't been able to eat, sleep, for well over two years. I'm having such a hard time letting her go. I know she's happier without me, but I'm so miserable without her. I wish I knew how to overcome this.

[elastigirl]

(((hugs))))

this time will pass

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by elastigirl

(((hugs))))

this time will pass

Thanks for the hug. This is what I keep hearing, but what does it mean, and why have I held on to my hurt for so long?

[nick pagan]

I don't hold with faking confidence whatsoever. Anyone who promotes that idea doesn't understand what underpins confidence. It's very simple - competence is the bedrock from which confidence can build.

This article explains it
Guaranteed: Self-Confidence

Reconnect with your strengths and for a while forget focusing on what you haven't got. You will naturally find your balance returning along with your confidence.

Nick

[Tim Brownson]

Originally Posted by nick pagan

I don't hold with faking confidence whatsoever. Anyone who promotes that idea doesn't understand what underpins confidence. It's very simple - competence is the bedrock from which confidence can build.

This article explains it
Guaranteed: Self-Confidence

Reconnect with your strengths and for a while forget focusing on what you haven't got. You will naturally find your balance returning along with your confidence.

Nick

That is so wrong I almost don't even know where to begin.

That is diametrically apposed to the thinking of almost every successful person on the planet. It also risks damaging peoples self-esteem if they follow that advice.

Nick, go and read biographies on Donnie Deutch, Richard Branson, Winston Churchill, Daley Thompson (worlds greatest ever decathlete), Michael Jordon, Deion Sanders, Gary Player, Lee Iacocca and dozens of others. Almost all of them had confidence that waaaaaaay exceeded their ability at some stage or other. Confidence equals belief in yourself.

[smartile]

Chado2423,

I can't give you the answer. You know the answer is inside of you because you've already had these experiences. If you want the experience of being a happy and healthy person then keep asking yourself,

What would I think if I was a happy, healthy person?

It's as simple as that. The fact that you do not consistently ask this question of yourself is a sign that you're not choosing to be happy and healthy. You choose to ask questions that don't work - namely you say,

I don't know if it is because of the breakup or something else.

which is implying that you're asking 'Why do I feel bad/like crap/worse than before?' Stop asking THOSE questions. Choose your thoughts and you choose your life. Nobody else can do this but YOU.

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[nick pagan]

Originally Posted by Tim Brownson

That is so wrong I almost don't even know where to begin.

That is diametrically apposed to the thinking of almost every successful person on the planet. It also risks damaging peoples self-esteem if they follow that advice.

Nick, go and read biographies on Donnie Deutch, Richard Branson, Winston Churchill, Daley Thompson (worlds greatest ever decathlete), Michael Jordon, Deion Sanders, Gary Player, Lee Iacocca and dozens of others. Almost all of them had confidence that waaaaaaay exceeded their ability at some stage or other. Confidence equals belief in yourself.

Tom,

It's fine that you disagree with me although I contest the issue that what I say is wrong. For me there is a very simple cause and effect relationship at work here. If you have the competence to fulfill a desire consistently then you end up having confidence in yourself to fulfill the desire. The two things are inseparable. To magic up a lot of confidence from nothing is delusional and far more damaging. I know because for more years than I care to remember I was a victim of such delusional thinking. Through facing and accepting my limitations I found my real strengths and by depending upon my real strengths and developing them I now achieve robust progress in life. My life is so much better and on so many levels from doing this. The days of depending upon flakey "You can do anything, if you just believe in yourself" delusions are over for me.

Beliefs are imaginary facts. Holding a belief doesn't prove the fact. Beliefs have a delusional underpinning and often promote fantasizing, overreach and usually disappointment and despair (certainly in my case). Of course, if you are one of the rare people who fulfills the desire then, arguably, you justify the belief. That still doesn't mean that the belief was responsible for delivering the result. Real word abilities deliver results, not hope. If you want to read something else that you will be diametrically opposed to then read this article Turn Beliefs Into Theories.

I work as an engineer and I now attempt to solve the problems of the mind and of getting things done from a scientific and engineering standpoint. That means using the scientific method and testing theories. More than that though, the aim of science is to come up with answers to problems that can give predictable and repeatable results. I seek to discover the true cause and effect of problems and the mechanisms that underpin them. I'm making good progress and I have come up with insights that give robust and reliable mechanisms that people can depend upon time and time again to get the results that they want. The article Guaranteed: Self-Confidence is based upon such insight. It doesn't delude people.

I think that in your examples I would substitute 'courage in the face of uncertainty' to explain such rare successes rather than confidence. Sometimes courage is the only thing that can sustain us in perilous or uncertain circumstances. Confidence alone cannot guarantee the result.

Sadly, you have made the woefully common mistake of rounding up a few exceptional cases to hold up as proof of a theory. Science doesn't work that way. You have to assess and analyze the failures as much as you do for the successes in order to work out the correct causal links (and that's something that is almost unheard of in the field of personal development). Do you think that Adolf Hitler had any less confidence than Winston Churchill? As a megalomaniac he probably had more confidence. How many of Daley Thompson's adversaries lacked in confidence? Can you prove that Daley had more confidence than any one of the other competitors? If you could prove that Daley Thompson was physically disadvantaged in any event and yet won because he had more confidence then you might have some proof. How would you explain the failure of his competitors? Would you say that they lacked confidence, lacked belief or lacked ability on the day to outperform Daley? You can't prove a lack of confidence or belief but you can easily prove a lack of ability. The people who win and succeed do so because they have the competence to deliver the results. Confidence is important but it will never be enough on its own.

In terms of reading recommendations you should read Fooled By Randomness by Nassim Nicholas Taleb. This fascinating book shows how we are easily fooled by spurious but exceptional results.

The only person whose self-esteem could be damaged from accepting the truth that confidence is a direct result of levels of competence is someone who deludes his or herself about abilities that they don't in reality have (and a large dose of the truth about my own self-deception was the most cathartic thing that ever happened to me). Such a person will fail at any endeavor that they attempt and for which they don't have the ability to fulfill, until they develop the competence to achieve the result. That's just simple logic. It's not popular to hear but if you can logically disprove it I'm all ears. I simply say that instead of depending upon hope, depend instead upon robust abilities and focus on improving them. That's at the heart of my philosophy and it's the only dependable way to deliver better results in life.

I will never expect you to agree with my viewpoints because you depend so heavily upon the belief mechanism to get results for you and for your clients. What I promote probably comes across as heresy for someone like you. The great advances in problem solving have come from people who seek the cause and effect of problems, accept the reality of those conclusions and then make use of them. Engineers can make things work with huge measures of predictability and reliability from using proven theories of cause and effect. This is the kind of thinking and methodology that sends rockets into space, keeps airplanes flying and makes your car start and stop whenever you want it to. It doesn't depend upon superstitious belief systems. If you want a real solution to your problems then ask an engineer. If you want hope then ask a priest. Now then, would you rather fly in a plane designed, built and tested by engineers or by priests?

If we can agree on measurable ways to prove better feeling, better ability and better overall performance then I'd be happy to demonstrate the effectiveness of my methods compared to yours with one of your clients.

Yours sincerely,
Nick

[Acting Like Godot]

Clearly you must be mistaken:

1. Firstly, in any sample of equally competent or incompetent people, you will quite likely find varying levels of confidence.For example, if 20 kids with no swimming skills whatsoever sign up for a beginners' class, you will find a few kids with extraordinary confidence, and few kids who cling desperately to the edge of the pool and scream for Mummy to come save them.

2. Your key point is that competence builds confidence, and I don't disagree with that - what I disagree with is the absolute manner with which you have made that point. You don't see, for instance that confidence can stem from any number of factors other than competence - for example, a person who does not fear the consequences of failure will be confident even if he is incompetent. So for instance, a person may confidently step up to the karaoke mike and sing even though he is musically incompetent; simply because he is not afraid to embarrass himself and sees it all as just good fun really.

3. You also don't see that confidence can build competence. The confident kid who boldly jumps into the pool even though he can't swim, and keeps trying to kick and splash and stroke and float as directed by his coach will learn to swim much sooner than the frightened kid who's still clinging to the edge of the pool.

4. You also fail to see that a lack of confidence can impede competence. You may be very competent in something - for example, in engineering - but a lack of confidence impedes your own competence. For example, you are asked to give a speech on Topic X, or compete in a tennis match. You actually know the topic very well, or you acually can play tennis very well, but your lack of confidence ---> nervousness ---> mistakes and errors ----> a much less competent performance than you should actually be able to deliver.

5. The "competence builds confidence" argument works best, really, for endeavours requiring a high degree of skill. For example, we may justifiably say that you cannot be confident about performing heart surgery unless you have acquired competence through proper medical training. However, there are numerous other everyday situations where confidence is pretty much the solution in itself, as opposed to competence that has to be acquired through extensive training and skill. Basic social interaction is a prime example. Sure you need to know some things like how to shake hands, say hello and introduce yourself - but even kids know that. The knowledge is not the issue, the confidence is.

6. Let me add that competence doesn't always lead to confidence either. In your own experience, you must have come across people who possess quite decent skills in X (based on some objective measure), and yet are insecure about themselves and don't believe that they're good.

I think I've pretty much chewed through your points. You may wish to do a rethink of your hypothesis.

But don't lose confidence, ok.

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by nick pagan

Engineers can make things work with huge measures of predictability and reliability from using proven theories of cause and effect. This is the kind of thinking and methodology that sends rockets into space, keeps airplanes flying and makes your car start and stop whenever you want it to.

No doubt this would be of great interest to all of us here in this forum, if this forum were about how to build rockets or airplanes or cars.

If you have actually come across something in your engineering studies that relates to human personality, do let us know.

[nick pagan]

The thing that I discovered through my engineering studies and through life in general is that every problem has a cause. Discover the cause and eliminate it and all the symptoms of the cause disappear. If you can't eliminate it then understand it, contain it and manage it.

This relates to human personality as much as it does to engineering. It's the basis of all effective (i.e. predictable and repeatable) problem solving. The mysteries of the mind and of personality are understandable (and hence controllable) through understanding the cause and effect mechanisms at work.

You might be right that I have portrayed a very absolute standpoint. I have been burned so many times by peddlers of false hope and by my own delusions that I cannot bear to go back to that kind of thinking. It simply doesn't work consistently. It relies too much upon the capriciousness of chance. I have really had a gut-full of wishful thinking.

Some of this argument centers around a definition of confidence. The dictionary states defines confidence as: the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust : we had every confidence in the staff | he had gained the young man's confidence.

If it is only ever a feeling or belief then, according to this definition, I am wrong. My definition of confidence is the certainty of achieving a result and hence my proposal that confidence comes from competence, i.e. why leave it as a feeling or belief when it can be changed into a known certainty (or as far as is reasonably possible)? I would always opt for that and engender it in my life rather than for depending upon a feeling or belief.

With most of the other arguments that you make you mix one level of ability with a separate level of ability in order to prove your point. Competence in one ability does not read across to all abilities and so confidence in abilities will differ. I never stated that outstanding competence (and hence confidence) in one field will make a person confident in all fields.

The competence to weather a potentially embarrassing event and to know that it can be easily dealt with is very different to the competence to sing well.

A kid that jumps into the pool confidently might also drown without real ability to swim. Confidence alone will not save the child. Enthusiasm might help the child learn to swim faster - that's generally true.

A lack of confidence in one's abilities normally comes from a recognition that the abilities are not up to delivering the desired result. Developing more ability develops more confidence. I really don't see how a great surplus of confidence can overcome the very real deficit in ability needed to deliver a result? In my experience life doesn't work that way (although books and movies often like to portray this).

In my opinion basic social interaction is a competence acquired through years of extensive training and skill. Because you have so much competence in this you discount it as easy. The things that are easy in life are the things that we have great competence in doing. There was a time when you couldn't speak, couldn't walk, couldn't interpret a facial expression. You had to learn all of these skills through daily training and interaction. Now they are easy because you have full competence. You never even question your competence to do these simple things.

You haven't convinced me or caused me to cast any doubt upon my hypothesis. I don't discount the value of confidence but I do dispute the foundation of confidence. If someone lacks in confidence then it is because they don't know how to solve a problem or they don't have the capability to solve a problem or it is because they face uncertainties for which no level of preparation can guarantee the desired result.

Other than building competence to deliver desired results, what is your solution for people who don't feel confident to do something? And by this I mean a reliable and dependable solution with a very high likelihood of success and without relying upon luck?