Question on "Act as if..."

[Chado2423]

I'm having a problem with the Act as if... point of view...
While on one hand I want to change and be a better person, I don't want to pretend that I am something or someone I am not. I indeed do want to change into who I want to be, but how can I get there without disregarding who I really am right now? I don't want to pretend to be more confident, if my confidence is truly lacking, I don't want to plaster a fake smile on my face, if I am not truly happy in my soul... I do want to eventually achieve happiness, but I don't see any genuine retrospect coming from this theory of "act as if" and besides I've tried this approach with my friends, and they see right through the guise and mire, and they can sense that I am more troubled than I am pretending to be. So what does "Act as if..." truly mean... to pretend to be something we are not, until it becomes a reality seems contrary than actually becoming something we are not. I'm going nowhere in life... I'm moving like a zombie... I'm just a sad depressed loser, who seems incapable of growing up and making his own choices. I used to be different, but I don't know how to go back to that. I used to make a lot of choices that positively impacted both my life and the lives of others, but lately I've failed in that endevour.

[Marco Polo]

This is basically the "fake it until you make it" approach. I also have my doubts about it, but nevertheless, I'm convinced that it works for some people. For instance, just a simple thing such as improving your stature (chest out, stomach in etc.) can greatly increase your feeling of confidence.

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by Marco Polo

This is basically the "fake it until you make it" approach. I also have my doubts about it, but nevertheless, I'm convinced that it works for some people. For instance, just a simple thing such as improving your stature (chest out, stomach in etc.) can greatly increase your feeling of confidence.

But I don't want to change just my posture, or one aspect of my being, I want to change my whole life, I want to be happy and content, and feeling at peace and warm with my life again... I really don't see how faking my way into my relationship with my former friends will really change anything... won't they catch on to my fraudulent endevour? I used to have more poise, and be more confident... but I lost my whole feeling of confidence, and self-worth.

[Marco Polo]

Yeah, this is obviously a very superficial approach, and it won't solve any deep-rooted confidence problems. Which is why I said that I have my doubts about it.

Honestly, I don't think I can help you much without more context. But I think you need to drop this idea that you have to change your whole life in some profound sense. By creating such an ambitious (and frankly vague) goal you're setting yourself up for dissapointment.

Personal development is not an all or nothing deal. If you want to build your overall confidence you'll have to start small. One thing you can do is to create a good morning routine. This is excellent because it will help to "set the tone" for the rest of your day. This is how you could spend the first 40 minutes after you wake up.
a) get out of bed as quickly as humanely possible
b) do some stretching and light exercise (e.g. jogging and pushups)
c) splash some cold water in your face or take a shower
c) read some PD material on the internet (or just print some copies)

Try this routine for 5 days in a row and evaluate how it improves the quality of your days. Maybe, just maybe, you'll find that it creates a ripple effect that makes it easier to improve on other aspects of your life. That could be a start at least.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

But I don't want to change just my posture, or one aspect of my being, I want to change my whole life, I want to be happy and content, and feeling at peace and warm with my life again...

Remember, Personal Development isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. A marathon is run one step at a time. Gotta do the warmup first, then you pace yourself, doing one step at a time as you move on. Gotta take breaks for water, and other nourishments, and keep on moving with the end goal clearly in mind. One step at a time gets you closer to your goal.

[dougm]

Chado-

Until you can learn to let go of the things that you can not control you will always be in a "act as if". You can only control your reaction to any situation. So keep a possitive attitude and set some short and long term goals for yourself. (5 short and 2 long) as you achieve each goal, drop the one you made and add a new one at the end. Before to long your confidence will be on track and your friends will notice.

DJ

[bravebluemice]

Don't think of it as disregarding who you are now. Things like confidence and happiness are energies of within. They aren't something you can lack. What you can lack is expressing them.

Instead of plastering a fake smile on your face, give it a reason. Think of a funny anecdote, smile appropriately, and bring your happiness to a conscious level.

If you're not 'feeling' confident, just remember that it's the expressing of the confidence that you're not doing. Tap the inner resivoir, take a deep breath, and know that you are right in what you're doing. Consciously kick out doubt.

The 'fake it till you make it' approach in these matters is a little bit of a misnomer, because it's not that you're faking it, you're bringing about conscious change. Remember I said conscious change.

When you raise your level of awareness such that you can consciously tell yourself that you are happy, you are happy. When you can consciously smite doubt, confidence flows in easily.

Instead of acting as if, consciously decide to be.

Good Luck,
~BraveBlueMice

[Acting Like Godot]

My friend, you are ALREADY acting as if ...

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I'm going nowhere in life... I'm moving like a zombie... I'm just a sad depressed loser, who seems incapable of growing up and making his own choices.

Right now you are acting as if you are a zombie, a sad depressed loser going nowhere in life.

This is the script you have currently chosen for yourself. If you don't like it, choose again.

[Tim Brownson]

Originally Posted by Acting Like Godot

My friend, you are ALREADY acting as if ...



Right now you are acting as if you are a zombie, a sad depressed loser going nowhere in life.

This is the script you have currently chosen for yourself. If you don't like it, choose again.

That's kinda tough, but also kind of true.

Some of the real greats in our society fake it regularly. Go and read a few autobiographies.

BTW, are you confident that you can find your way to your favorite store? If the answer is yes, then you have all the confidence you'll vere need you're just struggling to tap into it when you need it.

Perception is reality my friend.

[smartile]

Hi Chado2423,

You may want to start by giving yourself a break. You seem to be pretty hard on yourself, which isn't uncommon. I know I'm my hard on myself and at times I can be my own worst enemy, but that's a great thing to know. It's means I'm in control, not anyone else.

If you want to change, change your focus. You might start by asking different questions. People who are always down and out ask terrible questions of themselves. Start asking more powerful questions. You could start with,

"If I was confident, sexy, rich and a great lover what would I do?
...how would I act?
...what would I think?

See what kind of response that gets you - be persistent and mentally change your focus. If you're looking for some inspiration, check out: Change

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by smartile

"If I was confident, sexy, rich and a great lover what would I do?
...how would I act?
...what would I think?

I most certainly wouldn';t be here moping every day... crying over my lost love, feeling depressed for so long; trying to convince myself that things will get better. How would I act, much differently than I am acting now. What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now, but I don't know what are the right thoughts to think. I've tried affirmations but I just keep feeling like I'm lieing to myself.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Have you read this article of Steve's? You say affirmations make you feel like you are lieing to yourself. He talks about that here:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/200...tive-thinking/

[Acting Like Godot]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now, but I don't know what are the right thoughts to think. I've tried affirmations but I just keep feeling like I'm lieing to myself.

You feel like you're lying to yourself. Why? The usual reason is that the affirmations you are using are too faraway from your current situation.

For example, you may feel downright depressed. But you pick an affirmation like "I am so glad to be alive!". Basically this is too faraway from where you currently are, and therefore you feel that you're lying to yourself.

What you need to do is to reach for slightly better thoughts, slightly better thoughts, slightly better thoughts ..... and keep reaching, again and again. See Abraham Hicks books for examples.

[Dive Bomb]

I think the "act as if" phrase can work as long as you do it in a sensible way. I throw in the word sensible because you shouldn't do something you know you can't handle. Steve pretty much advocates this in his "Faster Goal Achievment" podcast where he speaks about how you would act if you have already achieved that goal.

Say your goal is to improve your physical appearence. Using the "act as if" approach would benefit you if you realized that if you had a great physical body you would eat right and workout. The wrong way to use th "act as if" principle would be to ignore your problem and pretend that you are great looking while you strut around the beach.

[elastigirl]

I like to act as if its about to happen and I am in deep preparation

[Chado2423]

I feel so emotionally unstable... I don't want to "act as if" I am confident and happy, I want to BE confident and happy again. I just want to live a normal life again. But I don't know how to get there.

[SonoranBob]

To BE something takes time and effort. You have to start someplace, and it's not going to pervade every area of your life at once. You're not approaching this realistically by demanding that this operate the way you want rather than the way it actually works.

You are resisting this technique because you insist on "feelings first". But the truth is that feelings are largely a product of your mental habits, they are not something that falls from the sky.

At the very least, there is some value for some people in "act as if". I personally think there is more value in it than most people are willing to give it credit for. In the recent (and generally good) book The How of Happiness, this technique was researched with respect to feelings of happiness. It was found that:

1) When a person is happy, blood flow increases to a particular part of the brain (left frontal lobe if I reacall correctly)

2) When a person smiles or even sees someone else smile, even when they are not actually feeling happy at the moment, blood flow increases to the same area (although not as strongly)

3) When a person applies a program of "acting" happy they tend, over a period of a few days, to feel much happier.

This strongly suggests that we are constructed to respond to certain stimuli quite independent of our circumstances. And that fits with the rather provocative conclusions of the rest of the book, which, highly condensed, are:

50% of your subjective happiness is a genetic set-point to which you tend to return within one year of all negative or positive events. People who win the lottery are on average no happier one year later. People who use the use of their legs are on balance no less happy one year later.

A mere 10% of your subjective happiness is a due to your circumstances.

40% of your subjective happiness is a result of your mental habits and is within your control and influence through a variety of fairly simple techniques.

--Bob G

[smartile]

I love it! You were showing signs of changing your focus in the text you wrote:

How would I act, much differently than I am acting now. What would I think? I don't know, certainly not what I think now

I would suggest you keep focusing on the questions that lead to those thoughts. Be persistent. You're continually creating your experience in every moment and you can easily change when you continually CHOOSE.

James Ray said it perfectly,

"What you're experiencing now is not because of where are are, it's because of where you were."

Food for thought,

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by smartile

I would suggest you keep focusing on the questions that lead to those thoughts. Be persistent. You're continually creating your experience in every moment and you can easily change when you continually CHOOSE.

Stephen Martile — Personal Development Made Simple

ADHD symptoms gotten worse after attempt to apologize to my ex-gf failed. I don't know if it is because of the breakup or something else. But, I've had extreme irritability, paranoia, deep depressive episodes, and some mild mania. Things I am not normally customed to experience with this severity. I used to live a normal, happy, healthy, productive life-style.

What would I think if I didn't have ADHD. What would I think if I was a happy, healthy person. What thoughts am I supposed to think to get myself back to normalcy? Seriously, I'm asking. What thoughts do normal relatively happy people think?

[oberlee]

It's tough--I know, you can't honestly be happy if you need something to be turned around 180 degrees. Or, I should rephrase that--it's VERY hard. The best I can say is work at it every day, and try to find a glimmer here and there. Eventually, those glimmers will manifest something to make your life one step better, until you can more plausibly "act as if..." That's helped me.

The other thing, though, is to not disregard your feelings. They are just feelings, and they can be overridden, but they need to speak. I found help with the Sedona Method on these types of things--it allows you to define the emotion, welcome it, feel it, and then let it go. If you're grieving, you need to give yourself time. Not too much--but the more you resist feeling badly, the more it will haunt you.

Hope that helps.

[Chado2423]

[quote=Chado2423;157637] [quote]
All I ever wanted to do was be a better friend to my ex-gf. But that just doesn't seem realistic. When I went to go apologize she turned my apology down. I was hurt, and my night-terrors have increased, and I haven't been able to eat, sleep, for well over two years. I'm having such a hard time letting her go. I know she's happier without me, but I'm so miserable without her. I wish I knew how to overcome this.

[elastigirl]

(((hugs))))

this time will pass

[Chado2423]

Originally Posted by elastigirl

(((hugs))))

this time will pass

Thanks for the hug. This is what I keep hearing, but what does it mean, and why have I held on to my hurt for so long?