Stop Taking ****

[3nigma]

I'm a nice guy, and I'm not really one to be mean or angry at others. I'm really laid back, and I think I can get along with anyone, but there are too many times where I just take too much ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ from those types of people that like to boss others around. I take that whole "do unto others as you would unto yourself" type of thing to be my philosophy, but there are times where I just wanna snap.

Whether it be work, or in everyday situations I just seem to get tossed aside by others like I'm unimportant or used to do something. I keep thinking the problem is me. This doesn't seem to happen to other people too much, so I think I might be at the core of all of it. Like the weak puppy of the litter, I think I actually attract this to happen.

An example would be... getting yelled at for something at work that isn't really my fault by a boss or employee, and then I just end up taking it. Inside I go "Go **** yourself" but I just can't bring myself to actually take my thoughts outside and to stand my ground. I know this won't end either, no matter what job I take because like I said, I think I just attract these ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ due to... something, I'm not sure what. Probably a personality defect. Maybe I'm too nice? Too much of a good guy? Too naive? I'm a smart guy, but I seem to freeze up in social situations such as these. I know I'm in the right, but I just make a situation too important so I end up acting like a *****. Then after the event, I go... "I should have said that/acted like this/did this" and I end up regretting it.

I also know this will also affect my relationships with women in my life. Why would women ever be with a pushover guy? A guy that can't stand his ground, or be a man at the proper times. Whenever something like this happens in front of a girl, I notice they just lose complete interest in me if they had any before. They lose that sexual chemistry, and I just end up being the nice guy or something. I don't wanna take anymore **** from people that are all too FULL of ****.

Help? Advice? Preferably from... non wussies.

[Akashic_Librarian]

Haha preferrably from non-wussies haha...

I am kinda like you. I let people trample over me for stuff I should stand up against.

But my trick, when I want to remove this, is to find what I bring to my workplace, classroom, community, group of friends, and then use that to the best of my ability.

For example, I am not 100% fantastic at my job, I make mistakes, I **** up sometimes, I am not always fast. But one thing I do have for me, is I am always willing to help someone else, I am always polite, and always punctual. Which is more than can be said for some people I work with. That edge I have is my unique ability. Thats what makes me indespensible in a job that could be filled by so many people.

Do you understand what I am saying?

[3nigma]

Originally Posted by Akashic_Librarian

Haha preferrably from non-wussies haha...

I am kinda like you. I let people trample over me for stuff I should stand up against.

But my trick, when I want to remove this, is to find what I bring to my workplace, classroom, community, group of friends, and then use that to the best of my ability.

For example, I am not 100% fantastic at my job, I make mistakes, I **** up sometimes, I am not always fast. But one thing I do have for me, is I am always willing to help someone else, I am always polite, and always punctual. Which is more than can be said for some people I work with. That edge I have is my unique ability. Thats what makes me indespensible in a job that could be filled by so many people.

Do you understand what I am saying?

I said non wussies! jk

I get what you're saying, but I don't want to overcompensate for my wussyness by looking at my other qualities. I want to amplify all my qualities and STOP being a wussy. I gotta get rid of that from my personality.

[Joely]

I might have been previously, but I'm not now. I found that as I accepted myself as I am, got away from beating myself up and developed an inner confidence, people didn't trample on me. I was bullied at school, but as an adult, nobody bothers me because I come across as confident and in control. It's a matter of attitude, I think. I've walked out on jobs where I've been poorly treated by my line manager, and taking that step was really what taught me self-respect. In the end, self-respect is what it's all about. If you respect yourself and who you are, then other people will too.

[BringTheDarkness]

As a polarizing Darkworker, I have NO problems whatsoever with this type of situation, because my anger carries me.

People know better than to try and throw me aside; that being said, I'll do the same to someone weaker than me with no guilt whatsover.

For me, what causes this way of thinking is my anger. I draw from my HUGE wellspring of anger to overpower my enemies.

People know better than to even try.

I supposed if you were as angry as I am, people would pick-up on it even if it is subconsciously and stop using you.

BTD

[Kindred]

Develop self respect, and it will show confidence to the world. Once you begin to have respect for yourself, you won't let other people step on your toes because it'll be completely unacceptable to you.

Start respecting yourself more, and you'll start taking less crap. Think about your goals and dreams, and how valuable your time and energy is to achieve them and go higher. I recommend using affirmations to get out the old and get in the new beliefs. If it worked for me, it'll work for you.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by 3nigma

An example would be... getting yelled at for something at work that isn't really my fault by a boss or employee, and then I just end up taking it.

Why would someone yell at you if it wasn't your fault? If it wasn't your fault why would you need to get mad back at them? They are being jerks and you are being mature to not fuel the fire. How is it that you "take it"? Are they actually saying it's your fault for something, when it wasn't? You can still come up to someone like that after they blow up at you and ask them why they were mad at you. Try to understand them, reflect back what they are going on about and they may just realize they are being jerks. Say back to them what they are saying, even if you don't agree internally. Make them hear themselves. If they are truly off, then reflecting back to them what they are saying will expose them as off. You will have kept your cool and they will look like idiots. This is not about trying to yell back at them. That doesn't help your image either. It's about trying to understand, or about giving them a chance to understand their selves.

Inside I go "Go **** yourself" but I just can't bring myself to actually take my thoughts outside and to stand my ground. I know this won't end either, no matter what job I take because like I said, I think I just attract these ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ due to... something, I'm not sure what. Probably a personality defect. Maybe I'm too nice? Too much of a good guy? Too naive? I'm a smart guy, but I seem to freeze up in social situations such as these.

The freeze up is because you think you need to act like them. You don't. Be yourself and reflect to them what it is they are saying. Be curious about how they can be so nutty and say something like, "so you are saying... " or "let me get this..." or "do you mean to say..." and reflect back their words in a paraphrased way. Try to understand what it is they are saying by making them repeat themselves. "so you are telling me I didn't finish that task that is checked off?" "Let me get this, are you saying that I forgot to contact this person?" "Is that what you are telling me?" Ask them questions about what they are yelling, since it sounds like it is bogus and what you really want is people to not dish out bogus yelling, so you may have to help them realize what they are saying. It is like a martial artist that takes the attack and uses the attackers energy instead of your own. you don't have to get mad back at them.

I also know this will also affect my relationships with women in my life. Why would women ever be with a pushover guy? A guy that can't stand his ground, or be a man at the proper times. Whenever something like this happens in front of a girl, I notice they just lose complete interest in me if they had any before. They lose that sexual chemistry, and I just end up being the nice guy or something. I don't wanna take anymore **** from people that are all too FULL of ****.

Help? Advice? Preferably from... non wussies.

There are different ways to stand your ground. When having opposition, it is not important to start a fight. I don't think women think guys that are good and making fights are attractive. You are standing your ground in a way by not going down to their level of being a jerk back at them. If something isn't your fault and someone is attacking like it is your fault and you freeze up, they have put a power play on you. They are trying to draw you into that power play and that is not a good thing to reinforce. Fight fire with fire? The only thing you really have to do is reflect what they are saying and the truth should come out of them. You don't have to yell back at them and tell them it's not your fault. That would be ugly. It would be a power play. That would be defensive when you are innocent. That would turn the women off too. What you want to do is defuse the situation without having to blow up yourself. At least ask them why they are yelling at you. "Is yelling at me really necessary?" Then maybe they can stop venting and actually tell you what they need to without confrontation. Defuse it. If you freeze up when they yell at you, do it later - go to the boss/coworker and tell them you didn't like that yelling part and you couldn't really understand them when they yell.

[3nigma]

I get what you guys are saying. I need more self respect, and that's true. I think that's what the problem is at the core. I think it's also because I try to avoid embarrassment. I would like to call people out on their bull****, but I fear I might get embarrassed somehow.

I also have this weird dependency thing. Like... I can't do it because I depend on this person for this, or that. Kinda like 'biting the hand that feeds' sort of thing. I know it's not true, but I seem to think like this.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by 3nigma

I get what you guys are saying. I need more self respect, and that's true. I think that's what the problem is at the core. I think it's also because I try to avoid embarrassment. I would like to call people out on their bull****, but I fear I might get embarrassed somehow.

If you are being abused there would be no embarrassment in telling someone you don't like to be yelled at. It's not that you are going to yell back at them and dish out bull at them. Don't you think? You are actually being more mature than them, from what I can tell. Don't give into dishing out bull to them. Find a way to be yourself and tell them you don't like how they treat you. Although they would probably mock you and call you sensitive, ha? I think not blowing up at them is a sign of self respect, actually. You respect yourself enough to not start a fight or power struggle, right? You have this habit for a reason and it worked well in the past, just might need to tweak it some. I think you probably started being the way you are to keep from struggling with people that are jerks. No one wants to struggle with jerks and you found one way to not do that. Remember that was your original intent when you started having this habit. Consider that you can do more to not struggle with jerks and that would be to not react to them. A lot of bullies are just after reactions. If when they yell at you, you look at them at just can't believe them or have any feeling that you want to attack back - then a lot of attackers just stop yelling at you. They either want a reaction, don't give it to them. Just think, they are acting like jerks, don't give them the light of day when they are that way and later say something to them like, remember "when you chewed me out? I didn't understand what that was. It seems abusive to me."

I also have this weird dependency thing. Like... I can't do it because I depend on this person for this, or that. Kinda like 'biting the hand that feeds' sort of thing. I know it's not true, but I seem to think like this.

The dependency could also be the dynamic of them wanting reactions out of you. If someone is yelling at you - that is not feeding you. You would not be biting the hand that feeds you, but ignoring abusive behavior. Or mentioning that you don't get what they are trying to say when they are pounding you. They are trying to say something, you have to figure out what it is and make sure that they understand that you understand them. If you tell them what you think you hear, it may be something completely different than what they are trying to say to you.

[Fullcrum]

You want a non-wussy answer? Stop giving a ♥♥♥♥♥ what anyone in this world and the next thinks of you.

Develop no-mind. The appropriate emotional response will come out then in the situation. But be a positive AND dominant person through the other parts of your life and have it spill into your "work."

There is a balance. Read this: Real Social Dynamics Blog: Manifesting Positivity VS Standing Your Ground

[Derik]

I am also a bit like that. What I have realised is that it is the fear of rejection or conflict that caused me to keep quite in situations like that. It takes a lot of courage to open your mouth and say what you need to say.

I have written an article on my blog, about playing to win and it's all about not avoiding discomfort. You get immediate relief, but in the long term you don't get what you want. With myself I found that I was avoiding the peceived discomfort. Although that gave me immediate relieve of not having to experience the discomfort, it didn't gave me the results that I wanted in the long term.

[Rose of Cairo]

Originally Posted by 3nigma

Maybe I'm too nice? Too much of a good guy? Too naive?

No, you're not.

I'm not a wuss, so you can believe me

You have a judging pattern that doesn't serve you efficiently. You think in being a real man vs. being a whimp, in people being full of **** and so on. What does this bring you? I would say, it brings you that you don't respect yourself because you don't meet your own standards.

Being a real man doesn't necessarily mean bossing others around or starting a fight or yelling back. You lack self-respect so others lack respect towards you. It's not about them, it's you who are sending these signals out.

Start respecting yourself and loving yourself unconditionally, without caring about labels like "wuss" and without trying to be the ideal alpha male you would like to be and are not. You are who you are, and if you firmly stand by yourself (exactly like you are) inside, everybody's gonna respect you. But how can they respect you if you don't respect yourself?

As for women, well as a woman I can tell you: what turns them off is not that you're nice or that you don't yell and show your muscles to impress the enemy like a gorilla. It's that you lack self-esteem, and that in your world of "winners" and "losers" you consider yourself as a loser. How could they be attracted to someone who thinks he's a loser? A relationship with such a guy is a pain in the ass anyway.


PS: Hey, I like your nick. Is it because of cryptography, or because you hide yourself, or because you admire the nazis?

[spikyface]

Hey 3nigma

I was like you until a few years ago, had a history of being bullied at school, beat up regularly and generally taking crap wherever I went

Hell even if I got in a fight I'd hold back since I knew I could handle pain better than the other guy so I'd rather suffer myself than let him suffer

Basically, I didn't have the internal leverage to make a change so was waiting for something external to happen to force me into a change

It happened, I got into a fight with 3-4 drunken guys and got smacked upside the head with a brick, went to hospital and they thought I'd cracked my skull and had brain damage (luckily this turned out not to be the case)

But I had about 4 hours of sitting in a hospital bed thinking I might have brain damage and never be able to stand up again (for some reason I couldn't balance when this happened and as soon as I got up, everything'd spin and I'd fall over)

4 hours of seething, boiling and thinking that even if they found those guys, they might do a few years in jail but I'd be f**ked up for life

At that point I got the leverage I needed, I swore I'd never again allow myself to be the victim

My philosophy changed from "Better me suffer than him" to "I'd rather bust his head open and do a few years in jail than spend the rest of my life as a vegetable"

Either you find the internal leverage to change or life will eventually force you to change, and when it does, it's usually pretty painful

The first step for me began with learning to say no to people

For about a month or two I said "no" everytime anyone asked me to do anything, (if I was going to do it anyway then I could follow it up with a "just kidding, yes")

But saying "no" as a reflex worked great because it short-circuited any wussy thought patterns

Lemme know how you get on

[Fullcrum]

Rose of Cairo is exactly right - unveil your real self-esteem! It's already there but being blocked by a thick miasmic cloud of judgements, labels, and interpretations. Be present in all your interactions and watch as they transform before your own awareness.

Be a winner in your world - be nice to yourself!

[3nigma]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

As for women, well as a woman I can tell you: what turns them off is not that you're nice or that you don't yell and show your muscles to impress the enemy like a gorilla. It's that you lack self-esteem, and that in your world of "winners" and "losers" you consider yourself as a loser. How could they be attracted to someone who thinks he's a loser? A relationship with such a guy is a pain in the ass anyway.


PS: Hey, I like your nick. Is it because of cryptography, or because you hide yourself, or because you admire the nazis?

Oh, I know. I am by no means trying to be the moron football loving drunk fratboy alpha male here. I don't wanna show my abs before a fight. Of course girls don't like that kind of thing, no one does. I just want to be a genuine ME. Because... inside I KNOW I'm not a nice guy. If I could bring out the actual me in everyday situations, it'd be way different than what I project. I'm just stuck in that... socially learned self helplessness that's going around in the US. I'm really trying to change it though.

And, if I told you... would kind of ruin the whole idea of the name.

[Fullcrum]

Hey mate

You CAN bring out the real you in everyday situations. It's easy - just be you. Just be. Honestly, it's that simple. Think "What do I want to do now?" and DO THAT without thinking.

Amuse yourself. Totally amuse yourself. Really, ask yourself, "How can I make this more fun RIGHT NOW?" And do that immediately, without thinking.

And stop affirming the negative states you might be feeling! Are you "really trying to change?" You're "stuck" in the "socially learned self helplessness?" C'mon mate: no more excuses. There is absolutely no excuse why you can't be extremely present, in the now, feeling your being, at this moment. There is no excuse why you can't be positive and flowing. Change is gradual - but your inner resources can change in an instant. Your problem really is a pseudo-problem - usually found in richer countries when people have nothing better to do than think about their crappy lives. Don't be that guy - be present, now!

Keep plugging at it champ!