That Constant Negative Commentary

[Joely]

I don't know if anybody else experiences this, but for as long as I can remember I've had a running commentary in my head telling me all kinds of negative things about myself and the way I relate to the world. I recently read in Tara Brach's "Radical Acceptance" that this endless narrative, which boils down to "you're not good enough and here's why" is a very common problem, and I'm just wondering if anybody here has dealt with it.

I've never actually let it stop me doing things - I was so certain that I wouldn't get my PhD that after I was awarded it I nearly phoned the university to complain - but it has made it more difficult to do things, and they become a struggle rather than a pleasure. The most problematic has been, predictably, around my writing. Although I've managed to rid myself of the worst of it, whenever I try to visualise or think or talk positively about it, I feel a great tension in my chest and head and the nasty voice comes out louder than with any other aspect of my life.

The last few days has seen it reduced dramatically, and I'm starting to think that the Sedona Method work I've been doing will actually rid me of it for good. Anyway, I was just curious to know if anybody else had managed to relieve themselves of that irritating niggle at the back of their minds. At the moment, I hear it as though it's a tape recording playing along at the back of my mind, and I'm no longer emotionally attached to it. It just annoys me.

J x

P.S. I just found, as I wrote this out, that pointing a flashlight at the thing lessened it significantly. I know a Reiki Master who refers to it by the Mayan name - Mitote - the ego voice. She says she replies by saying "That's very nice of you to remind me of my fears, but it's not necessary, thanks."

[Jcs]

There is one story that I really liked. Its more about negative 'stuff' other people say / do to you. It goes somewhat like this;

Buddha was well known for his abilty to respond to evil with good. And there was a man who knew about this and traveled far to test Buddha. He then constantly, verbally abused him. Insulted him. And trying to offend Buddha.

Buddha was unmoved. He simply turned to the man and said, "May I ask you a question? If someone offers you a gift and you decline to accept it, to whom then does it belong?" The man said, "To the person who offered it".

Buddha smiled, "That is correct. So if I decline to accept your abuse does it not then still belong to you?" The man was speechless and walked away.

[Joely]

That's a great story, and I shall remember it well!

[Angela]

That little voice is exactly what I tackle in my coaching -- articulating the feeling, looking at where it originated (it was a specific moment in your life), examining the price you and others have paid for believing the thought, and generating a new way of being that is more inspiring.

I think that just the act of realizing that voice is there, and considering that it is only the ghost of old pain, is a huge light that illuminates the path to living a life you love.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Angela

That little voice is exactly what I tackle in my coaching -- articulating the feeling, looking at where it originated (it was a specific moment in your life), examining the price you and others have paid for believing the thought, and generating a new way of being that is more inspiring.

I think that just the act of realizing that voice is there, and considering that it is only the ghost of old pain, is a huge light that illuminates the path to living a life you love.

That's what I've been doing so far so it's a relief to know I'm on the right path! I notice every time I release and relax into what's happening to me, it eases a great deal. It seems to improve exponentially, in fact.

[Lola]

Originally Posted by Angela

That little voice is exactly what I tackle in my coaching ---

I know exactly what you mean Joely. And thanks to being a fortunate recipient of an Angela coaching session on this very topic, I rarely ever hear myself saying "what an idiot" to myself anymore. (or about anyone else either! - which is big because, well, sometimes they really are idiots!)

Keep shining that light. The biggest help for me was just giving it my attention - really being aware of what kind of messages I was sending to myself about myself and just how frequently I was doing it.

[jamisonTilne]

I just recently was informed of a rather meanstreak I have in social situations. It would turn out it's simply because of this constant negative point of view. Haveing realized it is sufficient enough to motivate the positive change. I can feel my health incling and everything seems to be getting easier, but that negative voice still looms. Perhaps soon it will be gone.

[colonel]

Maybe I can add something of interest and help here:

Usually I don't have such a voice in the back of my head. Maybe I used to, but I can't remember.

But -- the last year was very painful for me because I was in depression mode almost all the time. And when I was feeling depressed, there it was, that nasty little voice saying bad things about everyone and everything, constantly trying to make you feel worse.
I managed to get rid of it (and the depressive life period) by first consciously noticing and then understanding the voice. To notice it, calm your mind and notice what is left if you don't think consciously (mentioning this for the sake of completeness). Then to understand it, I needed to realize that in every human there is the deeply rooted need to feel bad once in a while. Eckhart Tolle describes it as your "pain body". It needs to be fed with negative thoughts, words and emotions regularly. And the negative voice in the back of our heads is doing just that.

So: Notice the voice, realize why it is there and what it is trying to accomplish, decide whether you want to feel bad or good. The last step will usually take some time to accomplish, but after a while of noticing and understanding it will get easier and easier. Until, as someone here said, you will be able to say "Thank you for your kindness, Mr. Nasty Voice, but save your breath, I'm fine."

[Joely]

Originally Posted by colonel

Maybe I can add something of interest and help here:

Usually I don't have such a voice in the back of my head. Maybe I used to, but I can't remember.

But -- the last year was very painful for me because I was in depression mode almost all the time. And when I was feeling depressed, there it was, that nasty little voice saying bad things about everyone and everything, constantly trying to make you feel worse.
I managed to get rid of it (and the depressive life period) by first consciously noticing and then understanding the voice. To notice it, calm your mind and notice what is left if you don't think consciously (mentioning this for the sake of completeness). Then to understand it, I needed to realize that in every human there is the deeply rooted need to feel bad once in a while. Eckhart Tolle describes it as your "pain body". It needs to be fed with negative thoughts, words and emotions regularly. And the negative voice in the back of our heads is doing just that.

So: Notice the voice, realize why it is there and what it is trying to accomplish, decide whether you want to feel bad or good. The last step will usually take some time to accomplish, but after a while of noticing and understanding it will get easier and easier. Until, as someone here said, you will be able to say "Thank you for your kindness, Mr. Nasty Voice, but save your breath, I'm fine."

That's fantastic advice! Thank you so much.

[Tim Brownson]

Joely, not sure if it helps but pretty much every client I see has that voice. Most of my friends have it too! I used to have it but I fired its whiny arse a few years ago and replaced it with a nice friendly voice.

You can do that you know. It takes patience and practice but you can do it. You have control on what's going on inside your head even though sometimes you may not feel like you do.

[Joely]

It's always a relief to know you aren't the only one! I've learnt to separate myself from what it says and just listen as though it was radio on the background. Accepting it's there seems to be the first step to shutting it up.

[Tim Brownson]

Colonel made a good point too. Thank the voice when it rips you. It really is doing what it thinks is best for you. It may well feel weird to do so, but in time you'll learn to smile, thank it and move on.

I also sometimes get clients to change the voice. Make it sound like somebody you respect and admire and that will make it much easier to change the content. If this makes you feel worse because you think you are being attacked my somebody you like and/or admire change that sucker back and work on softening the content instead.

Listen to the voice when it is supportive and then when it is whiny or aggressive. Where is it coming from? My 'guess' would be it's probably a different place in your head or even outside your head for that matter. If so, shift the bad voice to the place of the good one and it will be much easier to change the tone and content and the feelings associated.

When you work with submodalities everybody is slightly different in how they code this stuff internally, so just get playful with it and see what works for you!

[Joely]

I hear it from "outside me", but I'd always assumed that was because I'm a synaesthete so I experience a lot of emotions and other internal things in the physical space around me. I suddenly noticed not long ago that it talks to me as though it's other, as in it says things like "all you write is just mental masturbation" and similar, rather than "all I write is mental masturbation."

I really understand the idea of it trying to help me - it thinks it's protecting me by telling me the "truth" of who I really am. And of course, I listened up until a few years ago, utterly wholeheartedly. It's the same voice I used to hear telling me to starve myself.

I have found, actually, over the last year I've dissociated from it, so it can't affect my mood so much but it's just annoying. The main focus is around my writing and any attempt to get it out there - which has at least highlighted all the issues I have around being a published author. I spend most of my time convinced everybody will hate what I write and as such I've been secretly relieved that things have been slow to get off the ground with this publisher. I'm keen to push away the one thing I know is what I want to do with my life. But then, I've always felt guilty and ashamed of my success!

Sorry, I seem to be turning this into a therapy session!

[Angela]

The little gremlin! As long as you believe him, he lives. He does not want to die. So he sits on your shoulder like a tiny, ugly, twisted used car salesman from hell, whispering in your ear, convincing you to buy his old wreck idea that you are worthless, unloveable, nothing.

The little gremlin is your old pain. At some point in your past, something happened, and you made a decision about yourself that "you write mental masturbation" sprang from. The real decision you made about yourself sounds more like a life sentence, something that sounds very final and true, and the mental masturbation is only a symptom of it.

It's helpful to look for what that decision was, because seeing it in the bright light of awareness dissipates its power over you. And in the meanwhile, when you hear that little oily gremlin trying to get his hooks into you, tell him, "thanks, little gremlin!" and flick him off your shoulder and watch him tumble and roll, frantically trying to maintain his dignity. The little gremlin hates to be laughed at because it kills him a little. The more you practice acknowledging & dismissing him, the weaker his hold on you.

I love your blog, by the way!

[Tim Brownson]

Originally Posted by Joely

ISorry, I seem to be turning this into a therapy session!

LOL, no problem. I think you have a fairly good handle on things.

[Joely]

Originally Posted by Tim Brownson

LOL, no problem. I think you have a fairly good handle on things.

I have a tendency to see only the negative side of what's going on in my life, rather than all the positives. Something that's actually changed a great deal recently. To be honest, it's now only a tiny problem.

Angela: I'm glad you like the blog. It's incredibly random, but then so am I!