afraid of happiness

[European38]

anyone ever feel afriad of not having something to stress and worry about?? Im afriad that if I get everything I want and Im still not happy I have nowhere to go from there. At least now if Im not happy I can dream of a day when I will be, imagine if I get there and Im still not satisfied!!!!!!!! Im addicted to struggle at the moment oh dear

[blueberry]

to me this illustrates the constant seeking of the ego. it's the whole pain/pleasure cycle which seems to validate the ego's tyrannical existence in the first place.

I know the feeling.... and the only way out is to let go of this struggle. it doesn't define you and it will only impede you in discovering your true purpose.

it's easier said then done. as long as you look for somebody else to do it for you or some magic words to cure you, you're avoiding the responsibility of your experience. we all have the power inside of us to let go and move on to better things but the real struggle is allowing ourselves to realize that.

the only way to step out of the pain/pleasure cycle I've found that always works for myself is to step out of psychological time. if there is no future and the past doesn't exist there is no canvas for past or future pleasure/pain to control your existence.

[European38]

live in the moment! I lay in bed this morning and my brain is like it's on an elastic band, I manage to control my negative thought patterns for about 30 seconds and my brain finds some way of going back to thoughts that make me angry, sad and depressed, it's like my brain is feeding off them or it needs them to survive. Im not exaggerating when I say I lay there for over an hour and could not stay on a happy thought for more than a few seconds.

why do I need to remind myself of how badly I have been treated, how painful something was etc

[dancer]

Read 'The Power of Now' and 'A New Earth' by Eckhart Tolle. When I read these books, so much fell into place and I gained a tool to silence the chatter.

[nick pagan]

I think that far too much emphasis is put on happiness these days. It's a relative state not an absolute state and so consequently it can never be achieved as a permanent state.

I prefer to focus on cheerfulness. If you get that right then pretty much everything else falls into place.

If you're interested you can read more about why the pursuit of happiness is such a misleading venture here:
Fallacy: The Pursuit of Happiness

Take care,
Nick

[European38]

I think what Im looking for is comfort, I mean I don't expect to be ecstatic all the time but I want to be free from debilitating anxiety and stress, I would like to laugh more and I would like to not be focused on the negative

[dancer]

When you focus on the negative, you will see only the negative. I've been there and it sure is a horrible place to be. To get myself out of it, I made a decision to have a happy life. I took responsibility for things that had happened to me. When it comes down to it, European38, you are choosing to be unhappy just now.

I then took steps to actively change the way I thought and my general perspective on life. I did things for others, I spent time in the nature admiring it, I looked at people and found positive things about them. When a negative thought comes, I remind myself I want to be happy. I also did a lot of forgiving of life, myself and others. And, I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I read a LOA book, found this site and then read Tolle. All this took approx. one year and I am so grateful for that year because, today, I can really say I feel happy to be me. And, for the first time in my life, I understand that I am the creator of my life. I get to choose how I react to situations and knowing this is empowering. No one really has the power of hurting me, only I do.

Love

[European38]

ye Im just after making that realisation myself, God your journey only took a year, Ive been at this for about 6!!!!!!!!!! I must be a very slow learner or else I was more messed up anyway it's all a journey and it hasn't been constant, I took about 2 years off to kick back. Anyway I don't mind how long it takes as long as I get there in the end. I wouldn't say Im 100% there but I think the most important thing is that Im getting there. Understanding the concept that I am in control of my emotions is huge isn't it.

[dancer]

Note that it took a year from the time I made a choice to be happy. Before that, I was just miserable, hated life, hated the world, felt people didn't understand me, thought everyone was selfish, blamed the whole world for how I was feeling, etc. Victim in other words.

Understanding you are responsible and have a choice is huge! I'm so glad you've already come to that realisation. It takes as long as it takes and it really is about the journey. My journey is continuing and I'm excited about it.

[European38]

oh phew, so if I practice this continuously I may be ok by next year? thats good. I am still feeling the vitom I have to admit although now I feel a bit more in control. I was just confused as to why I attracted this attention, why I was misunderstood, why these people took advantage of me. I find this the hardest thing to get passed, I keep going back to it and I keep trying to work it out

[dancer]

Because you are defining yourself by the outside world. Guess what, you define yourself, no one else. You are a victim by choice. I was, too.

If you are feeling misunderstood, be sure that you are also misunderstanding others. Try understanding others for a while. And, I don't mean that if someone is mean to you that you should start beating yourself up about it. Understand that there is something in them that is hurting and lashing out at you is giving them power, your power. Perhaps, there is something to look at in yourself, but do it with love and acceptance and if you find something, put it on your list to change. But, don't put it on your reasons to hate yourself list.

You don't really know what others are thinking, you only know what you are thinking. The judge is you. Sure you pick up vibes, but when you change, your vibes also change. The negative vibes you pick up are really just a match for what you feel inside. Work on you and have compassion for everyone else, cause like you, they want to be happy.

Make a list of things that you love about yourself and when you make a change, add that change to the list. Accept even the negative stuff. I can be a bitch if I want to. But, I get to choose.

[dancer]

Just one more thought...

You are who you think you are. So, if you think you are a victim, then you are one. Be who you want to be. Who do you want to be?

[European38]

I want to be

kind
strong
confident
sociable
happy
fun
loyal
empathetic
good conversationalist
balanced
brave
inspired
accepted
liked
loved

the last 3 are the ones that get me into trouble.

what were you saying you did with your list? would you mind elaborating

[dancer]

Accept, like and love yourself for who you are right now. That's really what it is all about. I only recently found out my way of loving myself and that was to love myself like a mother does. I do not know if this will work for you? Perhaps, seeing yourself as a little girl deserving and worthy of all love? We look at babies and think how adorable they are and all we want to do is love them. You were a baby once, just because you are now an adult doesn't make you less lovable. Through another forum member, I saw this. I'd already been working on accepting and liking myself.

I had a huge list of reasons to hate myself. First off, I thought I was no longer kind, so I decided to be kind again. First, I did things for strangers, like helping old people across the road, or on/off the bus, held doors open for people, then I looked to those around me who needed kindness and I did things for them. Sometimes, they didn't want me to do things for them, but that must have been some resistance in myself. I worked on it and I started to feel, yep, I am kind. So, kind went on to the list of things I love about myself list. I noticed I did not really listen to people or thought I knew what they were telling me before they had even finished. So, I started to listen to what they were really saying and not what I thought they were saying. Still working on this. When I ride the train, I look at strangers and think nice things about them. Stuff like that.

What can you start doing, right now, to be the things on your list?

[European38]

good idea, will get about it now, wish me luck!

[nick pagan]

Some great and sound advice from dancer. Taking responsibility for the way in which you assess yourself really does make a huge difference.

Originally Posted by European38

I want to be

accepted
liked
loved

the last 3 are the ones that get me into trouble.

These ones get you into trouble because you cannot control them. They are dependent upon the judgment of other people. As long as you hold onto them your happiness will forever be in the hands of other people and you will most likely end up a victim because you will corrupt yourself and accept a lot of difficult and unpleasant things in order to get such a reaction/affirmation from people.

That means that you have to set your course by someone else's star. Do yourself the favor of defining your own personal choice of what's good and bad behavior and right and wrong behavior and then act true to that choice. You end up controlling and choosing your life. If you live true to yourself then other people will respect you, like you and love your more.

[Chado2423]

I've been
obsessed. I've started realizing it myself. I have ADHD, and my symptoms have been
worse. I keep having night terrors every time I try to sleep. In fact I don't really
sleep at all. I don't eat much either. I've been severely depressed for over two years.
I haven't been my normal self ever since my ex and I broke up. I've had trouble letting
her go, and holding down a steady job. I haven't made any new friends. I litterally
think I'm going crazy. If I am on the verge of insanity, or even if I am insane, what can
I do about it. I've tried medication and therapy, but my therapist and I didn't click.
I'm not holding down food very way. I am continually just wishing I could go see my ex and
talk to her, but she wants nothing to do with me. I am having such a hard time moving on.
I got a car, but I have these nervous ticks making it hard for me to drive.

When I was with my ex, I felt so normal and happy and alive. I was able to go out meet
people and do things, and even spend QT with her. But now, I'm just all out of wack, and
I feel like nothing I do is working. I wanted to reconcile with her, and I tried to talk
her, but she called the police on me, if you remember. I can't seem to sleep because I
just have those dreams over and over and over again. I understand conceptually about
moving on, but I'm just not there, like I'd like to be. I've talked with my parents but
they can't afford counseling, and I'm afraid I can't really afford it either. I'm not
even sure I'm going to be able to hold down this job. I work with mentally ill people,
but I think I am more mentally ill right now than they are. If I am, what do I do? I've
stopped stalking my ex by the way, but that just didn't help me all that much. My mind
has gone for the loop. Thanks, Chad

--Chad

[European38]

Chad have you ever tried meditation? I was in a very bad way a few years ago and it helped me a lot. It's really hard breaking up with someone but you have to let her go and the sooner you do the better. Do you read personal development books? try and channel your energy into helping yourself instead of driving yourself round the twist wishing you could go back to a place that no longer exists (the past) I read a lot when Im feeling lost and I try and focus on moving forward but I know sometimes that just isn't possible. Do you understand ADHD? I don't know much about it but I was very depressed for a number of years and I read everything I could to understand it, if I was to offer you one bit of advice it would be meditation and it doesn't cost a cent only your dedication and time. Believe me if you do it everyday for a week you will feel better!

[dancer]

Originally Posted by European38

good idea, will get about it now, wish me luck!

Something tells me you will not need luck. Nevertheless... Good Luck & Success.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Chado2423

I've been
obsessed. I've started realizing it myself. I have ADHD, and my symptoms have been
worse. I keep having night terrors every time I try to sleep. In fact I don't really
sleep at all. I don't eat much either. I've been severely depressed for over two years.
I haven't been my normal self ever since my ex and I broke up. I've had trouble letting
her go, and holding down a steady job. I haven't made any new friends. I litterally
think I'm going crazy. If I am on the verge of insanity, or even if I am insane, what can
I do about it. I've tried medication and therapy, but my therapist and I didn't click.
I'm not holding down food very way. I am continually just wishing I could go see my ex and
talk to her, but she wants nothing to do with me. I am having such a hard time moving on.
I got a car, but I have these nervous ticks making it hard for me to drive.

When I was with my ex, I felt so normal and happy and alive. I was able to go out meet
people and do things, and even spend QT with her. But now, I'm just all out of wack, and
I feel like nothing I do is working. I wanted to reconcile with her, and I tried to talk
her, but she called the police on me, if you remember. I can't seem to sleep because I
just have those dreams over and over and over again. I understand conceptually about
moving on, but I'm just not there, like I'd like to be. I've talked with my parents but
they can't afford counseling, and I'm afraid I can't really afford it either. I'm not
even sure I'm going to be able to hold down this job. I work with mentally ill people,
but I think I am more mentally ill right now than they are. If I am, what do I do? I've
stopped stalking my ex by the way, but that just didn't help me all that much. My mind
has gone for the loop. Thanks, Chad

--Chad

Chad, I'm really sorry you are having a tough time. I'm not sure where you are in the world, but if you contact a hospital you should be able to get acute help. At the very least, contact your GP.

It probably does nothing to console you just now, but please know that I am thinking of you and hoping you will find the strength you need to let go of your girlfriend and move on to a wonderful life. Breakups hurt like hell. Not many go through life without experiencing hurt and pain. But, we survive, even though we feel we never will. We also grow from it and the sun shines for us again. I want that, so much, for you.

Much love.

[wolfgang]

Originally Posted by European38

anyone ever feel afriad of not having something to stress and worry about?? Im afriad that if I get everything I want and Im still not happy I have nowhere to go from there. At least now if Im not happy I can dream of a day when I will be, imagine if I get there and Im still not satisfied!!!!!!!! Im addicted to struggle at the moment oh dear

That worry is the ego being identified with stress and worry. And of coarse it would be really disorienting to not have that identification. I don't think anyone as an ego that relies on identification with looking for things to become happy, is ever going to find joy. Dreaming of the day to be happy is more of the ego getting in the way of right now. It's a paradox that trying to become happy is a unsuccessful path to being happy, because "trying to become" and "waiting until" is much different than "being".

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by nick pagan

Some great and sound advice from dancer. Taking responsibility for the way in which you assess yourself really does make a huge difference.



These ones get you into trouble because you cannot control them. They are dependent upon the judgment of other people. As long as you hold onto them your happiness will forever be in the hands of other people and you will most likely end up a victim because you will corrupt yourself and accept a lot of difficult and unpleasant things in order to get such a reaction/affirmation from people.

That means that you have to set your course by someone else's star. Do yourself the favor of defining your own personal choice of what's good and bad behavior and right and wrong behavior and then act true to that choice. You end up controlling and choosing your life. If you live true to yourself then other people will respect you, like you and love your more.

So true. I used to get so upset when I wasn't included in social activities. Now, I've learned from your blog to release certain needs, expectations... I still do want to be loved, liked, accepted but I don't expect everyone to like me anymore. If they do, it's a plus. If not, oh well!

[European38]

ye Ive suddenly realised that Im not going to wake up one morning having arrived at destination:happiness! It's so simple yet I think you can only fully grasp the idea that to become happy means choosing happiness now in this moment still have a lot of work to do but I think the penny has finally dropped

[Lola]

You're right that you won't wake up one day instantly and forever more happy. What you will notice though, as you continue to focus your efforts and choices in this manner, is that you are happy more often than you were. That the feelings of negativity occur less often and when they do, last for a shorter amount of time. And you're more conscious of them when they do occur so you can take steps to redirect your thoughts. Just takes time and practice.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by European38

accepted
liked
loved

the last 3 are the ones that get me into trouble.

Hey, European38, what is true about you regarding being accepted, liked and loved? If you were to put it into one short sentence, "I am _____." What do you believe about yourself, around being accepted, liked and loved?

[European38]

tis very true what you say about these ones getting me into trouble because I can't control them, I have to try and put it out of my head. It's hard retraining yourself to do something different, Ive been trying to not be so obsessed with what other people are thinking by coming back to what am I thinking about this situation, my brains as stubborn as an ox though! There seems to be a lot of determination from both sides and Im caught in between!!!

Originally Posted by nick pagan

Some great and sound advice from dancer. Taking responsibility for the way in which you assess yourself really does make a huge difference.



These ones get you into trouble because you cannot control them. They are dependent upon the judgment of other people. As long as you hold onto them your happiness will forever be in the hands of other people and you will most likely end up a victim because you will corrupt yourself and accept a lot of difficult and unpleasant things in order to get such a reaction/affirmation from people.

That means that you have to set your course by someone else's star. Do yourself the favor of defining your own personal choice of what's good and bad behavior and right and wrong behavior and then act true to that choice. You end up controlling and choosing your life. If you live true to yourself then other people will respect you, like you and love your more.

[European38]

well do you mean what do I perceive about my being loved, accpeted and liked? Well if it's my perception you mean I feel like Im misunderstood and not liked as much as I should be, I think Im a really nice person but other people don't seem to see that some do but a lot seem to judge me and resent me??? not too sure really, I've been bullied a few times quite badly and it's kind of gotten in on me. I know though that I shouldn't be thinking this way as it's not part of the new (me directing my thinking patterns) so Im going to take control and not enter into a feeling of poor me, better distract myself before I sink down into it.

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, European38, what is true about you regarding being accepted, liked and loved? If you were to put it into one short sentence, "I am _____." What do you believe about yourself, around being accepted, liked and loved?