Personal Development for Children?

[Lucas]

My little brother turned 12 in September. He's a bit troubled I guess, doesn't really have any friends, gets in trouble a lot, kind of self centered. He also had some physical problems, he recently grew out of his epilepsy, and is getting braces (his teeth are quite crooked). Also, when he was a baby, was the time in our household where things got really bad, right before my parents messy divorce...tention and negativity were high, and I think he absorbed some of that negativity, as I can see it in some of his outbursts...that same sort of vibe from back then.

He is pretty ego driven right now, saying things that he doesnt really mean, but he knows will get a rise out of people. Recently he wrote a little...essay (for lack of a better word) in his room about how he wants to respect himself more, be a better person and be nicer to people, and hung it on his wall. This got me thinking about what I might reccomend him to start him on a personal development path. He looks up to me more than my parents (I dont yell or have an expectations), so I know that whatever I suggest he will take at least semi-seriously.

Are there any suggestions for helping him start on a path to growth? Reading or otherwise?


My idea was this: He expressed interest in a guitar for christmas (I play music, and he likes music), but my parents sort of spoil him, he has lots of stuff that goes unused, which he likes because of the image it creates (he thinks hes tough, heh). However, I have a nice beginner acoustic guitar that I held on to for a while (I never use it), for reasons unknown (maybe this is the reason). I thought maybe I could give it to him with the caveat that he must show me that he has been trying to learn it each time I come over, which is about once a month or so. I don't want to make it sound like he HAS to play it, but I don't want it to be another toy that looks cool that doesn't get used.

Any other ideas or feedback on this one?

[Amit]

Hi Lucas,

I was going to create a very similar thread as I work with children mentoring them and working with them in groups too.

I will come back and write some more soon but first off, any child is never too young to begin their journey of personal development. First and foremost you have to remember that he is a child and should be treated accodingly. As much as I think music is a fantastic idea, he must be taught how to "play". It's incredibly important for him as every child needs that experience of play to make sure they develop into confident adults.

Start playing some games with him and have a much fun as possible. I don't have a younger brother but I work with younger children as well as young adults and one thing they share is that interaction through play is crucial.

Like I said, I'll be back with more soon!

[WanderingOak]

I don't think you can ever start too young. One of the first PD books that I ever came across was What Color is Your Parachute. I know it's not really considered a 'Personal Development' book, but more of a 'job hunting' book, but it does have considerably more to offer. A good part of the book centers on finding your purpose in life. There is also a copy out there for teenagers, that your brother might be interested in: What Color Is Your Parachute (for Teens).

[ahimel]

Lucas:

It's awesome that you want to help your brother. Good for you for not giving up in a hard situation.

I don't know either of you, so if what I say sounds completely wrong, feel free to ignore it. But in my experience, kids who show the "symptoms" your brother does generally believe that no one can/will ever love them. They figure that the best they can hope for is attention, and so they do whatever it takes to get attention (Aquire stuff, throw tantrums, do things they know will anger their parents.) It's entirely possible that this feeling was caused/exacerbated by problems in his childhood: epilepsy caused him to think he's a "freak", crooked teeth and braces made him think he's ugly, and a high-tension divorce drove home the lesson that there is no safety even among those you love most.

These people (kids and adults) also have a really hard time with personal development. The reason is that PD requires examining your life, finding the weak points, and working to improve them. When your life involves this much pain, it's easier, less painful, and less scary to pretend that the problems don't exist, and play video games instead. Add fear of the truth to fear of being unloved, and PD can become well-nigh impossible.

I think the guitar idea is great -- it would also be great to see about creating music together, maybe making some kind of band. The most important thing you can do for your brother right now is let him know that you love and respect him no matter what. Helping him with guitar, asking how he feels and really listening, giving the best advice you can, emails/IMs on the days you're not together, hugs... whatever you think would best help him know that he has at least one ally in his desire to be a good person and make his life better.

If he expresses interest, or you think you know of a PD subject that would specifically interest him, you could point him to these forums or to a book or website that might relate. Even just sending a link to a single blog post of Steve's could help. Shoot him an email that says, "Hey, I thought this was cool, thought I'd share." Then he has the opportunity to look into it and explore without having to tell anyone what he's doing and risk getting laughed at or scorned.

Just my thoughts. Good luck to both of you. If I can help, feel free to PM me.

Amanda

[Akashic_Librarian]

In my opinion the best thing to do would be to create a soul mirror.

I.e/ get him to write all the bad points about himself, but THEN get him to write all the good things he likes. Don't make him think one list has to be longer than he other, let him do it his way. Then make him put the bad list in order of importance and so on ...

[JohnnyJimJams]

Great thread.

You could lead by example. You could set a goal to get 50 guitar lessons with your brother, or teach him yourself if you can. Each lesson, discuss why you are having the lessons, discuss what you want at the end of the lessons, discuss overcoming reasons to skip lessons and offer heaps of praise as you go.

Sometimes all it takes is a reason to spend time with someone.

Might be worth a shot

[dorothy hanna]

Giving him the guitar sounds like a great idea. Bring it over, with your guitar, and keep it simple and light, and just say, "I thought it might be kinda cool for us to learn to play a song, together". Suggest one that you've been thinking of playing with him. Keep it open to where he can ask you questions concerning chords etc...If he doesn't know the words to the song, then use that oppurtunity for the two of you to sit down, and write out two copies of the lyrics. One for you, and one for him.

When he complains that the strings hurt his fingers, just say something like, "Oh yea. I remember how that bothered me too, when I first started out playing, but look what happened when I didn't give into the pain", at which point you show him that your fingers grew little calouses on each finger, and it doesn't bother you, anymore.
You can elaborate more about your first encounters with your guitar. How bulky, and awkward it felt trying to hold this big thing in the comfortable position, and how at first, you felt like such a spaz when you were first trying to master playing a chord, and getting cramps in your hand, and while working over the strings to get a good clear sound to come across.

You don't have to give the guitar directly to him, and state that your GIVING it to him, with the expectation that he will fullfill some requirement.
After spending the evening with him, and laughing, joking, and foolin around on the guitar, when your ready to go home, just tell, "I'm gonna leave this here with you, so we can do this some more when I come next time."
This way, you'll be intrusting the guitar to him. (unspoken, of course). In this way, you'll be planting a seed within him. An unspoken bond of trust.