Out of ideas

[kirikat]

I am a 40 something single mom, living in a foreign country (Italy).

From all outer appearences I seem to have it all together. Im pretty, I look really young for my age, my 8 year old is exceptionally happy - I have a cruisy job working from home, I am starting a theatre company that is very successful..... I am everyone's paragon of strength.

And I am miserable.

About 6 months ago, I ended a one year relationship with the ultimate commitment phobe / narcissist / peter pan boy. I was in love, but I could no longer stand his lack of commitment. I wanted to be loved in return (how dare I....) In those 6 months we have danced around the issue of getting back together... but he feels love would infringe on his freedom (as does buying christmas presents, waking up for work.... oh never mind!)

This ending spun me out of control. Demolished me. Threw me into a serious dark night of the soul from which I cannot seem to break free. I have done analysis, depth therapy, I have been working with Jung, Hillman, and Moore - archetypes, I have blogged my guts out, gone to the gym, got botox, died my hair red, and done everything I can to get loose... but Im stuck.

Lately, I have been working with the Sedona Method, which provides temporary relief, (but somehow I forget how to do it from day to day), the Abraham Hicks materil (which beats halcyion for making me sleep) - and I have been trying EFT, but it does nothing at all..... (maybe I am doing it wrong!). I am doing everything I can to break free, including trying to surrender, but nothing seems to work, and I cant seem to break free of this "love".

So - any of you experienced EFT'ers out there want to give me a hand? Because where I am right now is not attracting the people that I want in my life.... (can you say ewwww yuuuuuuuuuuucccccckkkkkkkkkkk) - and honestly, as a single parent, staying stuck, lonely, depressed, tearful and in pain affects someone far more important than me!

HELP ME PLEASE!

[norbert]

Dear Kirikat,

I'd like to give you the advice I am giving now myself as well. I am a big fan of all the personal development stuff, I'm very much into audiobooks, meditation and basically everything else available, but the person who does all that now is who you are today. What if you started doing different things and thus becoming a different person? I'm not saying to stop personal development (I would never suggest that) but what if you spent 80% of this time on something else you normally wouldn't do?

I know, I know, you "only" want to break free but all you do is giving more attention to your pain. What if you focused on other (positive) things? I'm not saying to think positively but to focus on the positive, the main difference being that focusing on the positive acknowledges that there's negative and you don't feel like deluding yourself. Try and accept the situation (you don't need to embrace it) and don't spend your life thinking about it. You see, there's your 8 year old and there's no guarantee for the number of years you can spend together, or simply focus on him/her.

Also, try being more in the present and less in the past/future. The way to do it is to quiet your mind (be the observer vs the observed).

I hope this makes sense and wish you all the best.

[Enlightenment]

I think in this society we are taught that there is something wrong with us if we are not in a relationship. But I think at this time, you could start focusing on your child instead of that rather narcissistic man with whom you were involved. The thing is he robbed you. He also robbed your child of time with you. However, the good news is that at least you can see who and what is important to you now.
To promote a better sense of yourself I think you can also concentrate on your new theatre company. What an exciting opportunity!
I bet that you probably are quite relieved that you have parted ways with this man and that you have your child and your life back. I can also bet that your child is rather happy too!
God Bless! E

[Gary]

I'll take you up on your invitation. I'll help you.

I'll mentor you through this. I do this professionally, but in this case, that part is negotiable. Take a look at my website (listed in my signature below) and let me know if you are interested. It's not a quick fix, but I suspect it will address some issues that these other techniques you've attempted haven't.

I don't make this type of offer very often.

[kirikat]

Gary,

Thank you. I wrote you from my yahoo address. I am one of those people who think that if the time is right, the teacher shows... and maybe you are it.

I have been well taught - however, this experience has revealed to me some core issues that never got handled (or I wouldnt be here now....) I am certain I chose this rather adolescent relationship in order to deal with some unresolved adolescent issues... but for fvcks sake... those years were hard enough the first time...

However, in those years, I was dealing with rather adult problems. As an adult, I seem to be going through the pain of a real 16 year old, and I cannot and do not seem to have the tools to handle this.

Please check your mail for a note from me.... and I appreciate it.

And everyone, thank you so much for your input. My child was not "happy" when this ended, as a matter of fact, he is rather pissed that someone made his mamma cry. And, yes, I have been focusing on him, and this theatre company.... but there is something about this realtionship and its end that was fundamental to my growth.... and I dont have the skills to resolve it.

This relationship was appropriate for a late teen or early 20 something. As a late teen I was dealing with a mother who was suicidal and consistantly drunk over a stepfather who raped me ---- (she was not slashing her wrists out of guilt, out of anger....) - and as a 20 something, I skipped this entire dating scene and simply got married. So, there is a big big peice of normal adolescent business that has not been finished.

Its like trying to pay a 30 year overdue bill... the interest on the principle is simply impossible to pay.

The BIG UGLY stuff has mostly gotten worked through, but the normative developmental stages were by necessity neglected.... and now, I am keening for a lost love like a 15 year old... and it is... well... inappropriate. And it is crippling me.

I hate this, because it feels like nothing more than the whining of the overly comfortable.... but the pain is real and I dont like it. My rational adult mind is clear, but there is this lost kid inside, who wants an apology, and a happily ever after, and she will not be stilled. The normal paths of healing arent working, so..... I am looking for the alternative paths.

Viktor Frankl saved my life as a teen. Seth Speaks and Jane Roberts got me to accept responsibility for my life as an early adult. 2 amazing tibetan buddhist women reparented and rebirthed me, and led me through PTSD. The major traumas of surviving an impossible and perilous childhood were addressed.... But somehow, along the way - no one taught me how to do the normal things that are shared by virtually all human kind, and I am utterly and completely lost and bereft, and I appreciate your support more than I can say....

Kirikat

[Enlightenment]

I am truly sorry for what your stepfather did to you when you were a child. You didn't have a childhood and that is why you are pining for your ex now, even though you obviously don't want to be pining.
When a human being is deprived of something and is later around that something, they will try to get all they can, when they can because they worry that it will never appear again. This is what happens to a child who is not loved or abused. They pine for love.
I just pray that you can overcome this difficult time. By the way, Victor Frankl saved my life also. It is the ultimate example of how much power we do have over our thoughts and our life. I think I will reread his book, 'Man's search for meaning'.
E

[Gary]

I can't agree with that feeling sorry part. I think she deserves more respect than that.

There comes a time when these emotional issues can't be resolved by conventional means. All your best efforts to make something better, to make yourself better, to make yourself happier, don't seem to do any good. And all those good intentions pave a road to deeper hell. It's when a person realizes those dead ends, and yet their desire is strong, that the student is ready.

I replied to your email with some instructions to start with.

[kirikat]

Thanks for that Gary.... Enlightenment,,,, he is right. Dont feel sorry. I really am over most of the really big nasty ugly childhood stuff.... I dont have a whole lot of emotional weight towards it. Even the worst, nastiest, ugliest stuff has its gifts.

I mention this stuff only to try and explain that I was doing something else when other kids were learning about broken hearts and prom dates.

I am now equipped for slaying dragons... and to mix my metaphors, just because I have a hammer, not everything is a nail.

Did you ever have this dream... that you get a letter from your high school, informing you that you didnt really graduate, because you forgot to take a certain class... and you argue that you have already finished college.... but they insist you must return to high school to finish your diploma?

Thats where I am right now.... and Im in high school wearing only my underwear, just to make it really humiliating.

[NotesMaeve]

Pat yourself on the back, and acknowledge the old negative belief that you don't feel like you deserve good stuff.

I had my whole, "YOU, Maeve, do not deserve the gorgeous fiance, the good finances, and the fun life you have." Uh, okay. Me thinking I'm worthless. Hello? NOT TRUE.

Girlfriend, anyone can slay a dragon. Try waking up every morning and loving the whole world all over again. That takes a real hero. And we can do it.

[Gary]

The confusing thing here is that people are giving advice and suggestions (all well intentioned) without getting to know her well enough to find out what will really help.

IF, one could make real life changes by simply reading paragraphs of advice and suggestion from strangers, and that would be enough to change their habits, emotional state, and belief system, THEN, I would really like to see it. If stopping human suffering is that simple and straight forward then please enlighten me to it.