When nothing makes sense anymore...

[colonel]

Hello everybody,

I'm not a native English speaker, so apologies if some parts of my post(s) sound awkward etc. But as I know this forum is visited by lots of very kind people I'm assuming you're just going to put up with that

Ok, on to what I actually want to write:

I'm a guy, 22 yrs old, German, been studying Computer Science for a few years, doing internet projects along the way. Quite a "geeky" person, but lots of "hacker" stereotypes don't fit with me -- best example probably me being a dancer (ballroom and stuff, competitive level).

From my point of view, my situation is really really bad. It has taken some time for me to realise, but I guess this is just another case of a depressed person seeing no point whatsoever in living this life any more.

The symptoms are: lack of motivation, every damn stupid little task seems like it would take far more energy to complete than I have, I can't manage to give meaning to anything I could be doing and because there is nothing that seems to already (or still) have a meaning I end up spending my time with the things that consume time most "effectively" (ie sleeping up to 12-17 hrs, playing computer games, watching TV (I *hate* watching TV)), ... Yeah, and of course I isolate from all the people around me. Anyways, they either aren't interested in helping me or fail to understand me which is ok 'cause I'm a bit of a "weird" person. (I don't mean to say that I'm so selfish that I back away from them *because* they can't help me; it's more that I'm not keen on social interaction at the moment and furthermore I'm a bit mad at some of my friends because I really really helped them in situations when they had problems and now they fail to be there for me... :'( )

Possible triggers / causes I think include:

My parents' relationship is stagnating and probably about to break up in the near future, and I can't figure out how to help them (tried mediating, but 1) that's painful and puts me into depression mode for at least a few days at a time and 2) they're in a state where it's really hard for anyone to open up even a tiny bit or to apologize...).

I'm a very loving and love-needing kind of person. But there is noone there. My family are busy with their own problems and don't show love easily anyways, nor can I open up to them. Probably some of you know this situation... you can make even strangers feel like you love them, open up to them, share things with them that are important to you -- but with other people (parents in this case), there's a stone wall. You just can't. You haven't been taught how and it's been like this for a few decades and now you're kind of stuck in this whole situation.
Of course, there are friends... but I feel they can't help me due to various circumstances.
So there's not a glimpse of love in my life. And I don't want to get a girlfriend as at the moment the thing I can do best is disappoint and hurt people after I said something in one of my "better mood" periods of existence. I don't want to involve more people in this, especially very lovable ones.

...

I could go on with some more issues like my profession / job being very unsatisfying to me (and quite a lot of bad things happened in a project which once has been very important to me), ...

I know I'm just whining about things that I could change. I'm a long term reader of Steve's site (since early 2006 I think) and tried lots of things (including crazy stuff like the Poloyphasic Sleep thingy). So I'm not exactly a newbie to PD and the ideas and methods behind it.
My problem is there's no point in changing anything or going for anything. I can't see a future where I could be happy.

So at the moment most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to leave this life without hurting the people that would actually care about me being gone. I don't want to destroy their lives, but mine, on the other hand, is pointless and only full of "what do I do so time passes faster", so obviously here's a need to strike some kind of idiotic balance... if there is no other solution, that is.

Ok, thanks for reading. Writing did make some pain go away for a short while, so if you choose to reply, I'll be happy and if not, then this thread has had at least some purpose