When nothing makes sense anymore...

[colonel]

Hello everybody,

I'm not a native English speaker, so apologies if some parts of my post(s) sound awkward etc. But as I know this forum is visited by lots of very kind people I'm assuming you're just going to put up with that

Ok, on to what I actually want to write:

I'm a guy, 22 yrs old, German, been studying Computer Science for a few years, doing internet projects along the way. Quite a "geeky" person, but lots of "hacker" stereotypes don't fit with me -- best example probably me being a dancer (ballroom and stuff, competitive level).

From my point of view, my situation is really really bad. It has taken some time for me to realise, but I guess this is just another case of a depressed person seeing no point whatsoever in living this life any more.

The symptoms are: lack of motivation, every damn stupid little task seems like it would take far more energy to complete than I have, I can't manage to give meaning to anything I could be doing and because there is nothing that seems to already (or still) have a meaning I end up spending my time with the things that consume time most "effectively" (ie sleeping up to 12-17 hrs, playing computer games, watching TV (I *hate* watching TV)), ... Yeah, and of course I isolate from all the people around me. Anyways, they either aren't interested in helping me or fail to understand me which is ok 'cause I'm a bit of a "weird" person. (I don't mean to say that I'm so selfish that I back away from them *because* they can't help me; it's more that I'm not keen on social interaction at the moment and furthermore I'm a bit mad at some of my friends because I really really helped them in situations when they had problems and now they fail to be there for me... :'( )

Possible triggers / causes I think include:

My parents' relationship is stagnating and probably about to break up in the near future, and I can't figure out how to help them (tried mediating, but 1) that's painful and puts me into depression mode for at least a few days at a time and 2) they're in a state where it's really hard for anyone to open up even a tiny bit or to apologize...).

I'm a very loving and love-needing kind of person. But there is noone there. My family are busy with their own problems and don't show love easily anyways, nor can I open up to them. Probably some of you know this situation... you can make even strangers feel like you love them, open up to them, share things with them that are important to you -- but with other people (parents in this case), there's a stone wall. You just can't. You haven't been taught how and it's been like this for a few decades and now you're kind of stuck in this whole situation.
Of course, there are friends... but I feel they can't help me due to various circumstances.
So there's not a glimpse of love in my life. And I don't want to get a girlfriend as at the moment the thing I can do best is disappoint and hurt people after I said something in one of my "better mood" periods of existence. I don't want to involve more people in this, especially very lovable ones.

...

I could go on with some more issues like my profession / job being very unsatisfying to me (and quite a lot of bad things happened in a project which once has been very important to me), ...

I know I'm just whining about things that I could change. I'm a long term reader of Steve's site (since early 2006 I think) and tried lots of things (including crazy stuff like the Poloyphasic Sleep thingy). So I'm not exactly a newbie to PD and the ideas and methods behind it.
My problem is there's no point in changing anything or going for anything. I can't see a future where I could be happy.

So at the moment most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to leave this life without hurting the people that would actually care about me being gone. I don't want to destroy their lives, but mine, on the other hand, is pointless and only full of "what do I do so time passes faster", so obviously here's a need to strike some kind of idiotic balance... if there is no other solution, that is.

Ok, thanks for reading. Writing did make some pain go away for a short while, so if you choose to reply, I'll be happy and if not, then this thread has had at least some purpose

[Terumoto]

Well it seems like what you're after is happiness. Before you look for something, you need to really know what it is you're looking for, or it will be impossible for you to find it.

So what would it take for you to be happy? What do you think you need in your life to bring you happiness? Once you know that, you at least have some direction.

[Tobias Zimpel]

Originally Posted by colonel

My problem is there's no point in changing anything or going for anything. I can't see a future where I could be happy.

Is it coincidence that I just today wrote a short article about a technique to start dreaming and visioning again?

Wouldn’t it be great if…? | TobiasZimpel.com

So at the moment most of the time I'm trying to figure out how to leave this life without hurting the people that would actually care about me being gone.

If they do care about you, they will accept that you are changing, don't they? If not, I doubt that they are real friends. Maybe they will be hurt by you leaving them, but they will get over it quite soon.

I don't want to destroy their lives, but mine, on the other hand, is pointless and only full of "what do I do so time passes faster", so obviously here's a need to strike some kind of idiotic balance... if there is no other solution, that is.

Balance maybe is the wrong way to go. Sometimes you have to lose sight of the coast if you want to discover new lands. You probably won't destroy their lives (at least if their life or health doesn't depend on you supporting them), nor is it worth it to sell your own life for theirs.

Ok, thanks for reading. Writing did make some pain go away for a short while, so if you choose to reply, I'll be happy and if not, then this thread has had at least some purpose

I chose to reply, although it is only short. Sure it feels good to write this stuff down, for for long term relief to happen, you probably have to take more actions. If you continue to act the same, you can't expect your results to change. If you want totally different results, then you have to act totally different. And you can change, even if it takes a long time. You absolutely can become the person you want to, and live the life you are dreaming about - or will be dreaming about quite soon...

[colonel]

Tobias,

sorry, but you've completely missed the meaning of what I wrote. I guess you had good intentions and just skipped over my post... so nevermind.
"Leaving this life" was just a nice way of saying "killing myself"... I highly doubt anyone will get over such a thing quite soon. And also it's not about me being depressed not being the person I want to be etc. I know that I can change and achieve the stuff I want to achieve... But I don't want to, that's the whole point.

[colonel]

Originally Posted by Terumoto

Well it seems like what you're after is happiness. Before you look for something, you need to really know what it is you're looking for, or it will be impossible for you to find it.

So what would it take for you to be happy? What do you think you need in your life to bring you happiness? Once you know that, you at least have some direction.

Yes, I think I'm really looking for happiness and cannot see what it would take for me to be happy.

Until yesterday I would have said that happiness to me means finding a girl and living towards creating my own family... But I think I might be wrong there. I read about Eckhart Tolle just yesterday in this forum and watched some of his stuff and now I really think I need to be happy *first* (by dumping my ego and accepting that I don't need things or other people or the right circumstances to be happy) and *then* - if I choose to - decide about the life I want to live...

[Terumoto]

Originally Posted by colonel

Yes, I think I'm really looking for happiness and cannot see what it would take for me to be happy.

Until yesterday I would have said that happiness to me means finding a girl and living towards creating my own family... But I think I might be wrong there. I read about Eckhart Tolle just yesterday in this forum and watched some of his stuff and now I really think I need to be happy *first* (by dumping my ego and accepting that I don't need things or other people or the right circumstances to be happy) and *then* - if I choose to - decide about the life I want to live...

That's really good. lol, It's kind of ironic, huh? Happiness can be both an impossible goal, and an easily attainable goal, depending on your state of mind.

[colonel]

Yeah, and furthermore, it's a variation of the "chicken vs egg, which came first?" question And depending on the state of mind the answer differs, yes

[ZHereford]

Hi Colonel,

First let me say that almost everyone goes through a time when life seems meaningless and not worth putting energy into (barring any psychological illness). It's part of the growth process.

To paraphrase Edison - "there is no progress without discontent". It's time to change your thinking, your beliefs and your perspective. You can do this without hurting anyone. It will take time and it may be painful but you must confront yourself. Life has as much meaning as you decide to give it. It's time for some soul searching. Read philosophy, literature and science. Go for walks along a river, in the woods or during a rainfall. Get some exercise. Experience, feel and think. Learn to enjoy the opportunities you have. It will do you good.

It's not about anyone or anything filling the void for you. It's about you discovering who you are and what you want. No one else can do it.

[Enlightenment]

Dear Colonel,

I joke a lot about Lutheran guilt being worse than Catholic guilt, but oddly on a deep-seeded(sp?) level, I think it is true. I take it, and forgive me if I'm wrong, since you are German you are probably Lutheran and the thing here is we are told to suppress our emotions from a very young age. We are to stay stoic and be responsible... etc. This leads to us not truly finding out who we are. You say that you're depressed that your parents might be breaking up but I don't think it is or ever has been your fault that your parents are breaking up. Yes, it is unfortunate, however you are 22 years old and I doubt this will affect your life as much as it would if you were, say, 2 years old or 12 years old.

I think you may be clinically depressed. In that case, your next step would be to go see a physician. You cannot rely on self improvement strategies, per se, if you're ill. However, it could be considered a self improvement strategy to get your butt over to a doctor!

I think you've come to the right place. What I found helped me out of my rut, was helping other people. Even sharing on this board helps. Is there a question that someone is asking here that you think you could answer or where you could, at the very least, offer a similar experience?

I hope things get better for you. I know right now you feel a dark cloud over you, but it does lift. I know, I've been through it also. I wish you the best. E

[Tobias Zimpel]

Originally Posted by colonel

Tobias,

sorry, but you've completely missed the meaning of what I wrote. I guess you had good intentions and just skipped over my post... so nevermind.
"Leaving this life" was just a nice way of saying "killing myself"... I highly doubt anyone will get over such a thing quite soon. And also it's not about me being depressed not being the person I want to be etc. I know that I can change and achieve the stuff I want to achieve... But I don't want to, that's the whole point.

Colonel, I really missed that. Hm... I just read your post again. Suicide is so out of my scope of possible solutions that I simply didn't thought about that.

I believe in reincarnation and that stuff (Basically the way Erin does), so I know that suicide does not free me from any responsibility for myself or others, but only makes it harder to fulfil this responsibility without a body to act through. But I don't expect you to share this mindset. If you want to explore, Erin has written a blog post about The Spiritual Consequences of Suicide.

I am glad that you found so much help here in the forum as well as from Eckhard Tolle (who is a great man BTW).

My Impression is that your life has no meaning to you, and it feels absolutely pointless. I won't compare myself to you, bit I remember times when I felt like all that was in for me was having a boring job to pay the bills, and hope that my life would not be a long one. I thought I still knew what I wanted to do, but I couldn't imagine that even that would make me happy. I thought a lot about suicide in these times, but never as a real possibility, more in the style of "Wouldn't it be nice if I could end this life somehow without consequences?" - but there would have been consequences for me as well as or others if I had done it.

I lost most of what I thought were my friends at this time (were they really?), and couldn't relate to those who stayed with me, because they completely missed the point of my problems.

I don't really know what to write that could be of help to you, except for telling you that your life can become a happy one if you allow it, and if you don't give up. But I know you won't.

All the best!

[CBo]

Hi Colonel,

I went through a similar situation about 8 years ago.
My advice will be blunt and to the point.

Your parents divorce and their overall situation: Get rid of them. Yes, that is what I said. I haven't spoken to my toxic parents in about 7 years. It has been the most peaceful and happy 7 years of my life.

Life is meaningless: Change your environment. I was in the IT field and it sucked. I was in a dead end hometown and it sucked. I worked really hard for six months and bought a ticket to Asia. That was in 2001. I never went back to Canada.

You don't want to change: You don't have to. Why? All positions decay over time. Your situation won't be any different.

Leaving this life: I think you should consider a one-three month vacation in the Philippines or Thailand, before you do anything drastic. Also, you should read Journey to Ixtlan.

Good Luck, Brother

[ken nubo]

Hey colonel,

Everyone has this friggin problem -- they're lying if they say they haven't. It takes alot of soul searching, but I know you'll get over this problem at some point in the future.

This is someone who takes long walks (2.5+ hours) during the summer time when I had my "WTF is my purpose" phase.

[colonel]

Hey everybody,

thank you really really much for your insightful, empathic and helpful answers! For me, the knowing alone that a lot more people than just me have gone through such a period of life, gives me a lot of strength and makes me feel confident that I'll make it! Thank you

I'm beginning to realise that I had a small epiphany right after I posted here and read some posts in this forum and in the ideaGasms forum (some nice folks there, too ) and listened to Eckhart Tolle... He really explains a few basic concepts in a way that so so much resonates with me and makes me understand how one can see oneself, life and just being in such a way that all the nagging questions about meaning and the empty feeling just disappear... Definitely check out some of his talks on youtube if you're in a similar situation... (I didn't buy any of his products... yet )



At some point I'm going to reply to the post above this one, but for the moment I feel I still cannot grasp all the things they actually speak so I'll just move a bit further on my path and come back here from time to time

Though I don't have questions at this time, feel free to share more experiences with similar situations and related wisdom. Maybe it will benefit others looking for the same answers as you once did and I still do...

[The Cloud]

I know this advice might not seem quite related to what I'm going to relate it to, but this is how I reached some of the most important moments in my life. Read Ayn Rand's "The Fountainhead." It's funny, Ayn Rand preached Objectivism, which is a philosophy based on interpreting and living according to the rules of objective reality, but it was her book that eventually lead to me realizing that there is no ego, that it's only an idea made up in our heads. Which is the gist of what Eckhart Tolle seems to say, as far as I've read up on him at least (I haven't purchased any official materials of his either.) But, the character in "The Fountainhead" seems to me to be as enlightened as one gets in this modern world. A man not concerned with anything but being what he is without reservation. Not having to compete with anybody, because there is no competition. Not having to act in any way, because he's already whatever way he is. Not having to take anything into consideration but his nature. Perhaps I'm just strange, but you said yourself that you're a bit weird, so perhaps you can find enlightenment through Objectivism.

Also, you can try looking into Alan Watts, he has a lot of interesting things to say as well.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by colonel

My problem is there's no point in changing anything or going for anything. I can't see a future where I could be happy.

It wouldn't be called Dark night of the soul, if you could see a bright future lying ahead, now would it?

I have been where you are time and again, yet I do not know how to help you, cause it feels like trying to give you an infusion of life energy. What good is it when I tell you that there is a sunrise if you only make it to the end of the night? There is, but you have to keep on going. If you can't walk for lack of strength, then crawl, but keep on moving.

Putting one foot in front of the other is an act of your will to live. Your post here is an act of your will to live. And every breath you take, every beat of your heart is an act prooving that your soul wants to live.

I don't know if you ever read the Neverending Story by Michael Ende, but there's the swamp of sadness, and walking through it, the horse of Atreju, Ajax, at one point just refuses to go on and then is slowly swallowed up by the morass. If you ever read the book, I'm sure you as well wanted Ajax to keep on moving and live. I at least sat there and nearly screamed at the pages wanting it to move and not just give in and go down like that.

I may not be able to show you the light at the end of the tunnel, your vision still remains your own no matter how much I wish you well. And I can't drag you on through the dark, cause I can't physically grab you by the hand even. But I can promise you, swear on it by my soul that there is a light, that there is a sunrise if only you keep on going.

What you make of it, is your own choice. I surely believe there's a John Mc Lane in all of us that is ready to put up a fight and die hard. And to me saving yourself is a worthy cause to put up a really good fight.