Emotions: out of control

[Jcs]

So, hi everyone. Last days were kinda black, to explain it all I will try to give a bit more information about my life first.

My parents are both dutch although lived in America. They divorced when I was 2 years old and mom went back with me to the Netherlands.

Around my 5th-6th year, my stepfather came in the picture. My biological father sometimes visited me when he was in the country. That stopped after my mother got involved with my stepfather. I had a hard time accepting this for some reason, never had any bond with my biological father and didn't miss him whatsoever.

So I could be hard to handle sometimes. Throwing things at my mother, kicking stuff etc. Though that didn't last very long.

During this time (I guess you could say, elementary school? 4-11year old) I had two friends in my neighborhood. Nothing much bad happened in that period.

Then first year of (I would say high-school now, 12-16 in my case) was hell. My two friends both moved away and we didn't really keep in touch. So at the new school without friends there nor outside of school. I got bullied quite a lot, getting a tube of superglue in the neck, getting hit with rulers, the whole class telling me they aren't my friend just for , well I don't know for what reason.

So that wasn't going to well. Transfered to another school. Much better already. The class I got into also housed a few people I knew from elementary school. Didn't get picked on as much (In every class there's someone who hates you so). The 2nd year went by pretty quiet as well. The relationship with my stepdad is great from this point onward.

In the 3rd year classes moved to another school building. Made some great friends. Started going out with them sometimes, hang around on the schoolyard etc. Also started smoking weed, probably the worst that I got into as side-effect. (I'm 15 at this point).

That same year I kissed for the fist time. Was more a 'lets experiment' then actually bf/gf thing. But, I start to like her, yadada, we talk more (rl and msn) go out few times. Just fun friendship, although I would not have mind it being more then that at the time. However, she had a boyfriend. Ok, fine, sucks, but ok. Us hanging around and going out for me gave the feeling she too wanted more.

One day she sends me an email which basically said, my boyfriend doesn't want me seeing you anymore, bye. I was hurt pretty good because we were good friends and gave me a feeling of false hope by hanging and going out with me so much.

Two weeks later she calls me, telling me they broke up. So we went out doing some friendly stuff in the weekend. All was ok. Next weekend she asks if I can go with her to some live music in a bar/pub cause her parents won't let her go otherwise. Ok, why not I don't mind going out with her. Wrong. Turns out she has a new boyfriend. Right, it had been a week and now someone else is kissing her in front of my face. That was kinda the end of our friendship.

Next, i'm 17, finished school and on to the next one. Went to a new school about some 60 miles away from where if life. Traveling about 2,5 hours a day.. Studying IT (read; Here you have a project, do the project, see you in 2 weeks). Got good grades, was very boring though. Made two great friends. After a while we started going out with a whole group, staying overnight there. Going ok, still smoked weed when going out. After a while I started smoking normal cigarettes too. Six-seven months later I started smoking weed almost everyday.

My grades were, even though I was Sir smokealot, still above average. End of the year nearing, fixing up the lose ends and I pass for the 2nd year. But. The study was so boring I decide not to stay in school. Part-time job at the bowling alley as mechanic became a full-time one. Didn't earn alot though I still lived with my parents so it was enough.

One year after working full-time I decided this isn't what I want for the rest of my life. Looked around for possibilities to pick up the study again. Started 2nd year in another town some 20 miles away. Was a bit closer with the train, less then 2 hours each day. Right at the start I had to do an 9 week internship, landed in a computer store for help-desk / repair. That went great, I quitted my part-time job and started working there after the intern. Rest of the year went fine. Finished it ok. At this point i'm 19.

The second year started off okay. Again, the study continues to be boring but I should push on. I was quite depressed about having no future-goals in life and just living the zombie life, thats when I got in to therapy.

In february I meet a girl via World Of Warcraft which I played a lot. We met in real life... I had a girlfriend! What a concept. She lived in the UK, that wasn't very helpful though. The first time sex happened, kinda failed horribly (in my view anyway). Condoms are devilish things, hard to keep it up etc. Still embarrassed. After about 4 months, she breaks up cause she couldn't handle my occasional depressed moods. Was very upset about it, which leaded to coming late for school/work. Eventually I stopped going to school/work.

So, here I am, no job, no study. This 'break' if you will, went alright for a few months. Met some internet friends, in amsterdam, in July which was fun. In september I broke down again, didn't know what to do, where to go. Therapist arranged a place at an open mental clinic. Open as in , you are free to go every you wish just be back before 10pm. Eventually stayed there for 7 weeks.

After I got out, I got my stuff back on track. Started working 3 days a week. My cousin had a house with a room left, she needed someone to help pay the rent. I moved in there. Five months earlier I had nothing, now I have a job and my own place!

Its now about october 2007. Even went out with a girl I knew from msn for over 3 years. We had fun. We both felt it wasn't gonna be more then friendship. I'm ok with that, if people don't 'connect' , sucks, but ok. At least this girl was honest about it, without the false hope stuff.

Living my life, playing World of Warcraft when I don't work. It wasn't a perfect life, far from it. But now, end of January everything went wrong again. I'm 20 now.

I know this girl from, yes, World of Warcraft, for about a bit more then a year now. Knew her before I got involved with the other girl which became my girlfriend. After the break up I started liking this 'new' girl more and more. Eventually I just played on WoW to be with her, not even because I liked the game. The game became quite boring actually!

Now she likes a guy from her guild/clan/club in WoW. She liked him before I was even friends with her. After a while they got involved with each other. Involved as-in 'internet-relationship' like they called it. They broke up at-least a dozen times. Where as she had a boyfriend, I was the first to get her picture and talk to her on the phone. Especially in the break up periods she pulled towards me.

I should have realized all the "love you" "<3" and what not on the internet are pretty shallow but alas. Anyway, the friendship is going great and last week friday night we were talking about a real life meeting. But that wasn't possible due to her parents not going to let her go somewhere. To explain that; She also was slacking on school, therapy, WoW addiction etc, she had not left the house for 2 months.

So ok, I couldn't fly over there (scandinavia) because her parents would not be ok with it. Alright. Maybe in the future. But no, she tells me she's going to meet the internet-boyfriend tomorrow! So it is 5am , thursday on friday night, we talk about possibly meeting, which isn't possible apparently and she *does* go to him?

I totally losed control. Became upset like I never have before. Why can she go see him and not me? Parents? No, because that evening I head her parents called the cops which actually started a search party. So she can break the rules for him but not for me?

At 6 am I went to buy cigarettes, I had to calm down! Showed up before a closed door at work 1,5 hours to early. Frozen stiff , the shop opens up 1,5 later. I go to work only thinking about her and that guy being together. Shaking like mad.

That evening I hear they didn't do anything, just had a fun time. Alright, not a big deal, yea? Still felt pretty crap. Saturday 4 am. At this point I hadn't slept for 48 hours. So I slept till sunday 12am-ish. First thing I hear is that she's going to meet that guy again! And her parents were ok with it! ... Felt like someone stabbing me in the back. She said she wanted to meet me but couldn't - what a lie!

I get some alcohol out and start drinking, in the afternoon. During dinnertime I decide to go out and into the pub. Ate something, drank more and more. The girl comes back from the 2nd date and apparently they were all over each other this time.

*That* I couldn't handle. Imagining another guy being all cuddly with her, that was just to much. I cried, shaken, felt miserable and all those things. My stepfather came by and brought me to the clinic I had been before. They send us to some other location where I could stay for awhile. All I could think of was her being with someone else. I wanted to kill them both, I wanted them both to be happy, I wanted her to be with me. Lots of conflicting feelings.

So I stay the night at an close facility. The pillow getting most my aggression luckily. By accident, and yes it really was, I broke a light-switch. They said that wasn't the way things go around that place and ended up in a separation-jail-cel for 1,5 hours. I followed the rules nicely, and they let me out the next day (today).

Just the mental image of that girl being with someone else, is torturing me. Although less now, then before the 2 day clinic stay.

[Jcs]

** Whole story didn't fit inside one post so here's the rest


I've tried so many times to get my life back on track. To get a girlfriend. To follow a live plan. It keeps failing every time. As in my story above, I never really had much friend or social life. I actively search for a girlfriend, someone that loves me. It 3 times turned into an obsession. So now my questions;

How can I stop being so obsessive about girl / getting a girlfriend?

How do you cope with rejections, turn downs, breakups, false hopes? Surely a 10+ relationship going bad is emotionally n times worse?

How do I start getting social? I'm day after day behind my computer doing nothing much productive, if I just would! I hate team sports and crowds of people you have to interact with. (Not scared to go outside or party with 200 strangers, its the 'have to interact' part). Then I panic, sweat breaks out and feels like I have to puke.

I feel like I need a girlfriend, someone that loves me. What can I do to stop focussing on it? Or an alternative, like not feeling unloved.

When bad things ( especially with girls ) happen, I get too emotional about it. Others get turned down dozen times and just go on. What can I do, so that its less of an impact to me?

Where/how you find a goal in your life? I've read the article, but I just don't know.

I want my life back on track, as far as it was ever on track. I need goals, a future, a girlfriend. I need, I need, I need unfortunately. What is it I do wrong? Al I can be proud of is that I'm clean of weed for 3,5 years now.

Show me a path I could follow? I definitely don't want to walk this one anymore.

Thanks


* The whole text looked a lot better with a 72 character line wrap...

[Tobias Zimpel]

JCS, looks like your life is mostly a roller-coaster ride lately, isn't it?

Originally Posted by Jcs

I've tried so many times to get my life back on track. To get a girlfriend. To follow a live plan. It keeps failing every time. As in my story above, I never really had much friend or social life. I actively search for a girlfriend, someone that loves me. It 3 times turned into an obsession. So now my questions;

How can I stop being so obsessive about girl / getting a girlfriend?

Find out what you hope a girlfriend to give you, then start giving this to yourself and to others.

Maybe you expect her to love you. then learn to love yourself without a girlfriend, and then start to love others.

You write:

I actively search [...] someone that loves me.

This gives me the impression as if you search a girlfriend for what she has to give you, or what you can take from her. And that will probably scare nearly every woman away - maybe except for those who have a pathological need to help.

What I suggest is that you ask not what a girlfriend could do for you, but what you could do for your girlfriend if you had one. A relationship is foremost about loving a person, and then about being loved in return. But you are the ohe who loves in the first time.

How do you cope with rejections, turn downs, breakups, false hopes? Surely a 10+ relationship going bad is emotionally n times worse?

I can't force someone to love me, can I? If I really love a person, then I want her to be happy more badly than I want to be happy myself (not really, but you get the pint, do you?) So if this person decides she is better off without me, how could I say that I love her if I don't accept this decision?

Sure I lost some close friends before, and I was deeply hurt - but life still goes on, and I will find new friends over time (and already have!)

How do I start getting social? I'm day after day behind my computer doing nothing much productive, if I just would! I hate team sports and crowds of people you have to interact with. (Not scared to go outside or party with 200 strangers, its the 'have to interact' part). Then I panic, sweat breaks out and feels like I have to puke.

What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable in these situations? Can you describe it a little bit, please?

I feel like I need a girlfriend, someone that loves me. What can I do to stop focussing on it? Or an alternative, like not feeling unloved.

Learn to love yourself - that's the only real thing I can tell you about this issue. How can you expect others to love you if you are not even able to love yourself?

If you want, walk to the next mirror, look at your face and say "I love you" as you would to the woman of your dreams. You may feel stupid, but do it anyways. Make this a daily habit, and learn to feel that way.

I also suggest that you read some books by John Gray:

Amazon.com: How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success: Books: John Gray,Gray John
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship: Books: John Gray
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: Books: John Gray

When bad things ( especially with girls ) happen, I get too emotional about it. Others get turned down dozen times and just go on. What can I do, so that its less of an impact to me?

Let go. I know that this sounds shallow, but it's really the thing. You are too attached to outcomes, I think, and any person will feel that. Would you say yes to a woman who expresses with every word, with every move of her body, that she is desperately searching for a boyfriend, would you feel attracted to her?

Where/how you find a goal in your life? I've read the article, but I just don't know.

I set a lot of shallow goals in my life, and I reached none of them. If I ever did, I always found it to be totally wrong, and that I have paid way too high a price for it.

I want my life back on track, as far as it was ever on track. I need goals, a future, a girlfriend. I need, I need, I need unfortunately. What is it I do wrong? Al I can be proud of is that I'm clean of weed for 3,5 years now.

And that's a great success, isn't it? I myself did not smoke a single cigarette (I mean tobacco) for nearly 4 years, and that's great, isn't it?

But there are a lot of little things that you can be proud of.

I suggest that you first work on your self esteem, and build on that later.

Show me a path I could follow? I definitely don't want to walk this one anymore.

I can't show you a path. I am not you, so I'm on a very different path than you. I can only say that you must find your own path.

I will be totally honest to you: It will probably not be easy, and it will probably not be a matter of days, weeks or even months until your life feels even remotely on track.

Have you read Steve's story from siting in a jail cell to becoming what he is today? You can find it in the first part of his Meaning of Life Series

I started to get my life on track years ago, and only a few months ago I finally had to admit that I only got it more and more off track in every single aspect. I now started to work on getting it on track again, building upon my experiences (and some of them felt very negative) - you can read about it on my ever growing blog on living your dream life.

I wish you all good, and if you have any further questions, please write here again, so you can get the help and support of this great community.

[Jcs]

Originally Posted by Tobias Zimpel

JCS, looks like your life is mostly a roller-coaster ride lately, isn't it?

Quite, thanks for taking your time Tobias. I really appreciate it.

Find out what you hope a girlfriend to give you, then start giving this to yourself and to others.

I thought about this a lot. In the short (first) relation I had last year I thought: "I have an okay job, boring study but i'll make it (less then one schoolyear left to graduate) and a girlfriend!" but even then I felt like I was missing something.

Maybe you expect her to love you. then learn to love yourself without a girlfriend, and then start to love others.

Learn to love yourself... Heard it more then once of course but I will make a mental note-to-self.

You write:
[...]
This gives me the impression as if you search a girlfriend for what she has to give you, or what you can take from her. And that will probably scare nearly every woman away - maybe except for those who have a pathological need to help.

I thought it was the feeling that someone loves you, cares about you. But like above, I still felt a big void.

What I suggest is that you ask not what a girlfriend could do for you, but what you could do for your girlfriend if you had one. A relationship is foremost about loving a person, and then about being loved in return. But you are the ohe who loves in the first time.

I agree with that totally. I feel I like someone slowly and then, boom, it changes in to an obsession to be with her. A lot I's there...

I can't force someone to love me, can I? If I really love a person, then I want her to be happy more badly than I want to be happy myself (not really, but you get the pint, do you?) So if this person decides she is better off without me, how could I say that I love her if I don't accept this decision?

That's exactly what I couldn't do when she (the last girl in my story) told me she was going to see him. Now I do accept it, and truly hope they will be happy together.

Although when she's now for example goes off-line from MSN, i'm like ****. She's gonna have a good sleep, tomorrow he's there for her. She's happy. And I stay staring at my screen.

Sure I lost some close friends before, and I was deeply hurt - but life still goes on, and I will find new friends over time (and already have!)

All I can say is; I messed up good friendships by wanting more then was possible. Not really had any 'normal' friendships in that way.

What is it that makes you feel uncomfortable in these situations? Can you describe it a little bit, please?

I think for me it's like public speaking. In school, I did everything to get out of giving i.e. a book review in front of the class. Which I did like twice eventually in 4 years . This is more speculation to be honest but I feel like the things I would say are unimportant, not valuable. In relation to teams ports/activities, well fear of failure is obvious I guess.

Learn to love yourself - that's the only real thing I can tell you about this issue. How can you expect others to love you if you are not even able to love yourself?

I know this damn wel. Somehow I don't put thought into it or I find nothing to love about myself.

If you want, walk to the next mirror, look at your face and say "I love you" as you would to the woman of your dreams. You may feel stupid, but do it anyways. Make this a daily habit, and learn to feel that way.

Okay.., that really works?

I also suggest that you read some books by John Gray:

Amazon.com: How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have: A Practical and Spiritual Guide to Personal Success: Books: John Gray,Gray John
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus on a Date: A Guide for Navigating the 5 Stages of Dating to Create a Loving and Lasting Relationship: Books: John Gray
Amazon.com: Mars and Venus Starting Over: A Practical Guide for Finding Love Again After a Painful Breakup, Divorce, or the Loss of a Loved One: Books: John Gray

Will do some digging, thanks

Let go. I know that this sounds shallow, but it's really the thing. You are too attached to outcomes, I think, and any person will feel that. Would you say yes to a woman who expresses with every word, with every move of her body, that she is desperately searching for a boyfriend, would you feel attracted to her?

Trying to let go with this girl right now. It's going OK so far. Accept for when she i.e. offline / gone to him. The jealousy!

Would I feel attracted to that kind of woman? Probably not attracted but surely desperate enough.

I set a lot of shallow goals in my life, and I reached none of them. If I ever did, I always found it to be totally wrong, and that I have paid way too high a price for it.

Think I can relate to that.

And that's a great success, isn't it? I myself did not smoke a single cigarette (I mean tobacco) for nearly 4 years, and that's great, isn't it?
But there are a lot of little things that you can be proud of.

Thats is something I need to realize a lot more.

I suggest that you first work on your self esteem, and build on that later.

Really need to work on that, yes. Assertive (training?) is an option I think.

I can't show you a path. I am not you, so I'm on a very different path than you. I can only say that you must find your own path.

Of course, I know

I will be totally honest to you: It will probably not be easy, and it will probably not be a matter of days, weeks or even months until your life feels even remotely on track.

At least it helps to know you aren't out there alone

Have you read Steve's story from siting in a jail cell to becoming what he is today? You can find it in the first part of his Meaning of Life Series

Yes, that I have read (and listened) to quite a while ago. When I actually told my self I was going to weave a thread of personal development in my life. Funny that part "things may not look that different x months/years from now" and I myself end up (although by own choice, wasn't a mandatory lockup) in isolation.

I started to get my life on track years ago, and only a few months ago I finally had to admit that I only got it more and more off track in every single aspect. I now started to work on getting it on track again, building upon my experiences (and some of them felt very negative) - you can read about it on my ever growing blog on living your dream life.

I wish you all good, and if you have any further questions, please write here again, so you can get the help and support of this great community.

I too, wish you success

Something I still want too add. The girl friend I had last year, was 14 years old. Nobody has to tell how stupid that was. It bizarre too young of course, I know. And yes we had sex. I know it was wrong but I feel I can't hide it under shame cause then it will only get worse. The girl I have been so emotional about lately is 15,5. Luckily nothing happened. I feel truly ashamed.

When I think about it logically, an 15 year old girl whom I only know from the internet? What!? It completely 'stupid' to be so crazy about that! Unfortunately my emotions if you will don't follow the same conclusion...

[nivaskapil]

all the best.......

can we take this a bit further.......
Now you've started changing,how can you ensure that you will not get back to the old habits again...

From your posts what i've understood is that you've tested a lot of things only to see you getting back again to where you are....

check Is this similar to this....

you've got a computer,but it is affected with a virus..
you can go and install any great software,but still even the new one is also going to get corrupted.....

you cannot have a great transformation,till you clear the base thing which is pretty much similar to the virus,which is sabotaging you.....

so what's that virus for your emotional computer?

think about it.....
__________________

[Tobias Zimpel]

Jcs, I read your reply, and it assured me that you are on your path. You are realizing a lot of your problems, and you begin to be working on them. Congrats for that!

Here's another idea: You may put a little stone into your pocket. Every time you touch that stone, you think about something you like about yourself, something you are grateful for. This is a really powerful thing to do from my experience as well as the experience of thousands of others.

What I can tell you is that you should not feel guilty for what you have done. What happend happend, and there's nothing you can do about it now. Make sure you did not deeply hurt someone (thinking of your former girlfriend right now...), and if you did, try and find out what you can do about it right now.

Jcs, you are on a exciting journey right now, a journey you have begun a long time ago. It will eventually lead you to your goals, your dreams, your visions, if you only keep going. I know that it will not always be easy for you, but I also know that there are no challenges in your life that you are not able to handle!

[Jcs]

Originally Posted by Tobias Zimpel

Jcs, I read your reply, and it assured me that you are on your path. You are realizing a lot of your problems, and you begin to be working on them. Congrats for that!

Here's another idea: You may put a little stone into your pocket. Every time you touch that stone, you think about something you like about yourself, something you are grateful for. This is a really powerful thing to do from my experience as well as the experience of thousands of others.

What I can tell you is that you should not feel guilty for what you have done. What happend happend, and there's nothing you can do about it now. Make sure you did not deeply hurt someone (thinking of your former girlfriend right now...), and if you did, try and find out what you can do about it right now.

If been thinking a bit on what to write. About the guilt part, I don't think I've deeply hurt anyone beside myself. Had some arguments and fights with the girl from sweden, we're past that I think.

The part that keeps bringing me down, is that she's seeing this guy she met from World of Warcraft. I know she's way to young for me, I know she's better of with the person she loves, I know having someone close by is better then long-distance... but I love her. Assuming I know what that actually is.

As far as friendship goes on the internet, that's all I have at the moment. And this girl is the only 'real' friend I got. Makes me really pissed off thinking about the fact that another guy is with her. My situation, or whatever you want to call it, right now is that; I know what I'm doing isn't healthy. It doesn't help anyone. Especially not doing anything good for my life-situation.

Been listing to the Power of Now audio book the last few days. Like the part where he says something like: "Do you have a problem right now? Not in 5 minutes from now or tomorrow but now". If I think about it, no I don't have a problem. However, 'now' I feel so ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥ jealous that everyone around me is all in love and that stuff. Maybe I'm blind to those who aren't. Fact remains that I feel very lonely at times. On the other-hand I know that even being in a relationship doesn't fill the big void I feel.

Everything went quite OK. Till she's been gone visiting him again and getting myself jealous all over again. Should I try and keep contact to a minimum or try harder to accept how things are, right now? Both?

Currently working 3 days a week. Which is enough to pay for everything at the moment. Turned down a full-time job which would have increased traveling time to about ~2 hours everyday. If there's one thing I can't stand then it's waiting for the train. Had quite a lot of opportunities for extra work though, been asked try and set-up a workshop, clothing company website development. Turning it all down. Today alone I slept 12 hours and still feel terribly tired. Even now, working 3 days a week I feel like being short on time.

I don't really 'like' the work I'm doing right now. But it's sure as hell better then I can wish for. They know all the stuff that's going on and I keep my pay when **** hits the fan and I take a week off.

Really need to focus more on the *now*, get my **** together and forget about the little sticky situation I get in with girls.

Hope anyone can still make sense of it all .

[Jcs]

Evening!

Finally got up and took some action! Cleaned the house/room, only need some vacuuming to do. Went out for breakfast, shop for clothes at replay's and totally changed my style. Normally I wear baggy pants, xxl shirts and hoodies. The 'skater' stereotype you might say I guess.

I must say, I'm feeling totally different! Much less in a lazy kind of mode with more tight-fitting clothes. Did the dishes, cleared out the paperwork that was like everywhere. Feel like working on my websites again. Woa! ^^.

Now I only need to stop feeling guilty about the fortune I spend on it .

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Glad to hear it Jcs. Keep up the good work!

[freshwala]

crazy thread man

good luck with ur stuff man, the key to getting over women for me has been finding a new one, kinda stupid but its what works for me.

[Jcs]

Oh joy, a day of drama

So the girl I talked about before broke up with her boyfriend cause he thought some other girl was "good-looking". Great, fun. Anyway, her BF starts talking about how his life is pointless without her etc etc. They broke up like 10k times before but every-time it is different he says;

"This time its not gonna be OK."

Ah well, I like the girl and all. She hated her ex-bf for exactly 1 day before things were back to normal. So, the now BF-again is suddenly all macho "I haz girl, you faggot" behavior. Ok. Great. You know, whatever makes *her* happy. Apparently, I'm her best friend, so she says. She can whine about how ****ed up her life is but when she get back together she can't be bothered to tell me?

My feelings for her won't change. However, I'm really tired of this mind game I appear to be in. "I love him, I still love him but he's a ****, never want to see him again (till tomorrow)". So I'm there when **** hits the fan but when all goes fine I don't exist. Emotional Vampires I say.

Time to let go.

/Vent

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Jcs, I would suggest not being the go-to-guy for this girl to vent her frustrations. It's a bad position to be in considering you have feelings for her. Put up some boundaries and you'll see what her real intentions are.

Sorry you feel crummy! But I really think there is a nicer girl out there who won't keep you on a string. Good luck!

[Joely]

Hi Jcs,

It sounds like you've had a really rough time - I'm sorry to hear about it. Having been through some depressive episodes myself, I've found the Sedona Method (Sedona Method (official site) The Secret self-help program; self-improvement technique) really helpful for letting go of how I'm feeling. It's very similar to EFT, which is really popular here. The course is expensive but the book is a reasonable price and it's a good place to start.

I hope things improve for you,

J x

[Jcs]

Hey,

Thanks for the kind replies .

Better to realize it late then never I guess. She's kinda failing school at the moment. Home a lot. And since I only work 3 days a week we talk a lot. Add to that I have no social life and she's my only friend.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

I think you would benefit a lot by enhancing your social life. It's hard to do at first, but I think it has great benefits. Even for introverts (don't know if you are one, but I am). You don't have to go to wild parties or anything big, but just go out and be among people, start some casual conversation, interact. It gets easier with time and you will most likely meet at least a couple of people you click with and can build a deeper friendship/relationship with.

[Jcs]

Thanks Aspiring. No doubt it would be a huge benefit ! As you might have read I'm kinda working out and see what things I like to do. Unfortunately those are mostly (only?) solo activities.

In the unlikely event when I do go out (work dinner, going out with friends I met online and are in the country) even if it was a blast at the time, afterwards I feel like "Why did I waste time on something that trivial?". And yes I do consider talking/going out/etc etc, with people I don't share basic interest with, a waste of time.

Just now I talk to her about my feelings concerning the whole topic. And all of a sudden, poof, she's idle and away. Clearly she doesn't take it very serious. Thats OK. Her choice. But I'm expected to be there when she's in need of support.

At the moment I'm struggling even to get out of the pit of despair called inactivity. Its hard to change even the most basic things when you have no idea into what you want to change them. Thing is, I don't go out and join a club, do volunteer work, go to a bar on my own, practice a team sport. Why? I just really don't care about those things somehow.

I can rant a full day about customer support and crappy web standards and at the same time can't be interested in who won this week match of [insert-sport]. There goes about half of the social contacts.

Read this article called Rands In Repose: The Nerd Handbook. Pretty much all things I can relate to . So were do introverts go? War-hammer-statue-sculpture-paint-shop thingy? No thanks. I'm not trying to be stubborn or anything. Just pointing out it isn't nearly as easy as "Go outside and make friends" like some people say.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Man, I am really sorry you are feeling this way. I wish I had some better ideas to help you get out of the slump you are in! I know it isn't easy, but I don't have an answer either.

That article was cool!

[The Cloud]

I used to get really obsessed with girls, too. Never anything clinical, but at one point I spend probably close to 5 months miserable everyday. I got chronic cramps in my neck from the stress, and was just generally miserable for the entire time. Once I got over this girl, I knew that I could never let something like that happen ever again. Not only was it not effective for getting me a girlfriend, but it took something that should have been about being happy and turned it into an experience that made almost half a year of my life nigh unlivable. So I started looking for answers, I needed to find something that would change me in some way. So I tried a lot of stuff, from writing in a journal to meditation to exercise. Eventually, through the power of an epiphany, I learned that I was placing the value of myself upon external people and events, when my true value was intrinsically in myself, and I was the only one who's opinion was worth considering in matters of what I believe about myself.

I have a good idea of what you're going through, and my only advice is to try anything, everything, to find out what it is about yourself or your situation that you can't tolerate. Looking for your happiness on the outside, in success or girls or money, is only going to continue you down the path you're already on. You need to look inside and find out why you're reaction to these situations is so profoundly miserable.

[Jcs]

That was some food for thought.

only advice is to try anything, everything, to find out what it is about yourself or your situation that you can't tolerate.

Well, to be honest it's everything. I do not enjoy anything I do. In therapy they asked me many times what I need to change to feel better. I can't think of one thing. I might be 'happy' for one minute or a day and then the initial euphoria is over. Most of the time I feel tired and just sleep some more. Just feel like there is nothing, for me, to life for.

[The Cloud]

Originally Posted by Jcs

Just feel like there is nothing, for me, to life for.

That's because you're looking outside yourself for a reason to live, trying to replace self-esteem with girls. I bet that, like I did, you see girls as a reason for living. You find a girl you like, and you use her as a reason to better yourself, to advance yourself, to make yourself more. I know that when I was obsessed with a girl, I got the best college semester GPA that I have ever gotten. But it wasn't worth the misery of not being with her and trying to become better just because of her. She became my reason for living, and when she refused me I had nothing but to cling to her obsessively. Maybe you aren't doing this, but I suspect that you are. If you do, the only cure is to try and find an internal reason that you are good, that you are worthy of yourself. You aren't going to be able to find something positive that motivates you outside of yourself; whether it's girls or success or money or even activities that you like to do. None of it is going to be worth anything unless you first believe that you are worthy of being happy without those things. Your problem is not what you are doing, it is how you are thinking about it. There is a basic question, "why," that you have not answered about your life. This is the question you must ask, and ultimately answer, if you ever want to be happy.

[Jcs]

Originally Posted by The Cloud

That's because you're looking outside yourself for a reason to live, trying to replace self-esteem with girls. I bet that, like I did, you see girls as a reason for living. You find a girl you like, and you use her as a reason to better yourself, to advance yourself, to make yourself more. I know that when I was obsessed with a girl, I got the best college semester GPA that I have ever gotten.

Not really. I fall, even more, in a state of inactivity.

But it wasn't worth the misery of not being with her and trying to become better just because of her. She became my reason for living, and when she refused me I had nothing but to cling to her obsessively. Maybe you aren't doing this, but I suspect that you are.

Not anymore.

If you do, the only cure is to try and find an internal reason that you are good, that you are worthy of yourself. You aren't going to be able to find something positive that motivates you outside of yourself; whether it's girls or success or money or even activities that you like to do. None of it is going to be worth anything unless you first believe that you are worthy of being happy without those things.

I'm not sure I believe in the whole external / internal reasons. Would you be happy being the only person on a island and hence almost no external influences? If I look at myself there sure isn't anything that motivates me.

Your problem is not what you are doing, it is how you are thinking about it. There is a basic question, "why," that you have not answered about your life. This is the question you must ask, and ultimately answer, if you ever want to be happy.

I've asked 'why' a lot of times. About pretty much everything. Its now more of a matter of 'when' my time is over.

Edit;
I might come across as rude but I really appreciate your input The_Cloud

[ElleBlue]

I think if you do find some activity, you will not be so obsessed with having a girlfriend and something strange will happen. A girl will come to you, when you least expect it. Every time I had a boyfriend, I was very busy, getting ready for a fashion show or taking on more clients than I can handle. I would meet a nice guy somewhere and they were impressed with me that I had so much going on. Sometimes the "reality" of having a busy girlfriend would set in and they would break if off, but that's another story.

Despite my experience of having been dumped for a less busy girl, I feel it is better to go on the way I'm going. When I'm not productive, I don't feel good about myself.

The thing to do, is try something. You may not like team sports, but if you want to be physically active, why not take up running or skiing or cycling? If you don't want to do any physical activity, why not look into developing a video game of your own? Or illustrating characters and backgrounds and look for a programmer to team up with? How about writing? I love to write myself and would probably write everyday, if I had the time for it. Keep trying different activities until you find something you really like.

[Jcs]

Hey ElleBlue.

Originally Posted by ElleBlue

I think if you do find some activity, you will not be so obsessed with having a girlfriend and something strange will happen. A girl will come to you, when you least expect it. Every time I had a boyfriend, I was very busy, getting ready for a fashion show or taking on more clients than I can handle. I would meet a nice guy somewhere and they were impressed with me that I had so much going on. Sometimes the "reality" of having a busy girlfriend would set in and they would break if off, but that's another story.

I know what you mean. But being alone for 130-some hours a week isn't really helping either.

Despite my experience of having been dumped for a less busy girl, I feel it is better to go on the way I'm going. When I'm not productive, I don't feel good about myself.

To be honest I never really have done anything productive.

The thing to do, is try something. You may not like team sports, but if you want to be physically active, why not take up running or skiing or cycling?

Running just isn't my thing. Cycling is boring as hell . I've done indoor snowboarding. That place was pretty close by; 10-15 minute walk. Eventually I just couldn't be bothered with dragging all my gear along.

If you don't want to do any physical activity, why not look into developing a video game of your own?

Been there. Wanted to do this when I was younger. Unfortunately my perception of how games were made didn't really equal the reality.

Or illustrating characters and backgrounds and look for a programmer to team up with?

Bedroom-team size video game development is kinda history. I don't consider those boring flash games worth my time if you're wondering.

How about writing? I love to write myself and would probably write everyday, if I had the time for it.

I'm stubborn and only rant people's ears off .

Keep trying different activities until you find something you really like.

There is a point where I don't feel like trying anymore. How long do I have to wait before I find it? If it takes another 10 years someone better shoot me now .

[Rudolph]

Just don't place all your hopes and expectations on 1 girl because chances are it will only lead to more pain.

[Jcs]

Hi Rudolph. I'm well aware of that ^^. I've still felt lonely in relationship.

Today i've been sleeping like 14 hours. I still feel light headed, even after I had some food. Advil ain't cutting it either. Hell, i'm to 'bored' and 'weak' to play a video game. What do you do when nothing inspires you? And then not for one day or a month but over a period of years.

[Rudolph]

Originally Posted by Jcs

Hi Rudolph. I'm well aware of that ^^. I've still felt lonely in relationship.

Today i've been sleeping like 14 hours. I still feel light headed, even after I had some food. Advil ain't cutting it either. Hell, i'm to 'bored' and 'weak' to play a video game. What do you do when nothing inspires you? And then not for one day or a month but over a period of years.

Jeez I wish I knew the answer myself If you read my thread it seems like we have some things in common.

[WilliWibald]

Hi Jcs,

hmm, I can totally relate to what you say about being not passionate about standard hobbies (like [any sports] or painting/writing etc.). It's the same for me. But I guess you are somehow interested in Personal Development. Am I right?
Why not make this a hobby? Getting better at fundamental things (like being happy more often, develop your discipline, try strange new healthy diets, smash the fear of public speaking, approaching strangers and keep them in a conversation for 15 minutes, approaching beautiful girls or boys if you like them too :-).
And, what I have found crucial for all of this: Try to do it with others. Find a group, that wants the same. You don't have to agree on everything they think or say, but it's always helpful to have others around that are passionate about at least one thing you are also passionate about.

For this sleeping all day thing: What helped me, was being expected somewhere (like in a job at 9am). Just for myself, it often was not important enough to start right now anything consistently. But if I knew there is someone waiting und I face consequences if I let them wait, that motivates me (even if the work is mediocre important from my point of view).

You seem to have some beliefs, that hinder you from building a social network, attract friendships in your life. And clinging to one person as a friend is also a big invitation for problems. These believes are not very helpful in making you happy. Have you heard of "Pick Up" (PU)? A big part of this is about forming new believes about social interaction that get better results than the ones you seem to have. When you read about PU you will no longer be surprised why the girls want to be with a man, who doesn't really need them and shows it.

One more hint... Scientifically proven method against depression/feeling down: Take a cold shower. Consistently. Every Day. And every day a little longer. Just Do it for 10 days in a row. Every morning. Every evening. Every time a little longer. Just do it. If you don't I will come and force you to ;-)

[Jcs]

You got some interesting points WilliWibald.

Originally Posted by WilliWibald

Hi Jcs,

hmm, I can totally relate to what you say about being not passionate about standard hobbies (like [any sports] or painting/writing etc.). It's the same for me. But I guess you are somehow interested in Personal Development. Am I right?

I guess so.

Why not make this a hobby? Getting better at fundamental things (like being happy more often, develop your discipline, try strange new healthy diets, smash the fear of public speaking, approaching strangers and keep them in a conversation for 15 minutes, approaching beautiful girls or boys if you like them too :-).

Not really something I would do, any time soon, without a cause. I mean, why develop these skills if I have no purpose to use them for? Although I guess most of them are always useful.

And, what I have found crucial for all of this: Try to do it with others. Find a group, that wants the same. You don't have to agree on everything they think or say, but it's always helpful to have others around that are passionate about at least one thing you are also passionate about.

I'm a 'loner' by heart . I don't need to be 'right' all the time but when someone doesn't even understand my point in something that really frustrates the hell out of me.

For this sleeping all day thing: What helped me, was being expected somewhere (like in a job at 9am). Just for myself, it often was not important enough to start right now anything consistently. But if I knew there is someone waiting und I face consequences if I let them wait, that motivates me (even if the work is mediocre important from my point of view).

The point where I felt guilty about showing up late or not at all has been long gone.

You seem to have some beliefs, that hinder you from building a social network, attract friendships in your life. And clinging to one person as a friend is also a big invitation for problems. These believes are not very helpful in making you happy. Have you heard of "Pick Up" (PU)? A big part of this is about forming new believes about social interaction that get better results than the ones you seem to have. When you read about PU you will no longer be surprised why the girls want to be with a man, who doesn't really need them and shows it.

Only heard about this called "The Game: Penetrating the Secret Society of Pickup Artists " . Reviews aren't *that* positive though.

One more hint... Scientifically proven method against depression/feeling down: Take a cold shower. Consistently. Every Day. And every day a little longer. Just Do it for 10 days in a row. Every morning. Every evening. Every time a little longer. Just do it. If you don't I will come and force you to ;-)

With room temperature at 19 degrees (C) I'm already freezing to death .

Oh well, at least I cleaned the house yesterday ^^. Now I need kick myself hard enough to get productive...

[The Cloud]

I guess I underestimated how depressed you are. None of the things I said will help you if you don't care to help yourself, which I just assumed was the case because you were posting on the forums. All I can tell you is to wait it out. When I was depressed (possibly clinically, although I never had a formal evaluation) I had no interest in anything. I went to school and didn't pay attention, then went home and sat in my room and stared at the ceiling or read until odd hours of the morning because it felt pointless to go to sleep, and then I would repeat the same cycle again the next day.

Keep going, life will be worth it one day, even if it doesn't seem so now. Other than that, there's nothing that any of us can do for you until you have the energy to care. I'm not saying to stop posting and asking for answers, but just know that everything you reject out of hand (not necessarily just what I said ) is probably due to your lack of energy and motivation to really think about it, rather than due to a lack in the veracity of what we are telling you. This isn't a judgment on your character, simply a judgment of your condition based upon experience.

[Jcs]

Thank you for continuing kicking my motivation The_Cloud . Well, I woke up at 14:00-ish. Didn't really do much of anything. Few hours later I went out with my stepfather to buy some food. Also picked up a copy of Anthony Robbins Awaken The Giant Within. So when I was at the supermarket's checkout my bank card gets declined. Eek! Were did my money went? Only had to pay 12 euro so that couldn't be good .

Fast-forward to 6 A.M. in the morning. Still have no idea where all the money went and have about 800 euro to pay in bills plus 200-something hopefully in the mail soon. This really kicked me into the present. So now it's 6 A.M. in the morning, wide awake, bursting with energy. I've done a lot of work on my website project and now thinking up some idea's for a 'blog' too!

From Gah-Live's a ♥♥♥♥♥ and then you die too Y'arrr, Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?. I swing moods faster then they can hoist the black flag .