Tell me how to change others perceptions of me

[anamoly]

I am a freshman in college and this is now the beginning of the 2nd semester at college. I have not made many, if any friends and I don't socialize regularly with my floor. I say hi and stuff to certain people - but that's pretty much it. I am a bit timid, shy and not always confident but I am very interested in other people and would like to hang out with them and try activities and etc.

Here's my challenge: I am not very socially savvy and I don't even know everyone on my floor by name. At the very beginning when people started to get to know each other, I locked myself in because I was depressed and anxious and was self-medicating with opiods. The drugs were pretty much my substitute for my social life, but nontheless they also have the effect of keeping you in a negative and depressed state if you keep using them (when you are not on them), not to mention the addictive property of opiods. Well, recently I've started to make an attempt at a healthier life style and have started running 3 times a week if I can muster it. I've been doing this for some weeks and so and have been making progress. Running is fun and two days ago I did 2.6 miles in the 30 minute workout .

Here's my challenge: people probably see me on my floor as someone anti social, but I want to communicate with them and get to know them. Unfortunately, it takes me a little while to open up with people but I'd love to engage in some conversation and shoot the **** with people. If only I could rewind time and not lock myself in at the beginning of the year, but that's that now. Since people have already formed their cliques - what's the best way to start hanging out with others?

Sorry this post was all over the place and I hope my question was somewhat clear.

[ChrisRamsey]

Hey anamoly,

I recommend some simple EFT here. There are some definite issues of self-worth that I can see from your post.

If you don't know much about EFT, here is a short introduction video to it.
YouTube - Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) Introduction

EFT could do some great work for you. You can also get the manual for EFT at the official website, EFT Provides Impressive Health and Emotional Freedom--New Discovery Often Works Where Nothing Else for free.

Love yourself first, and everyone else will love you too.

[anamoly]

I have tried EFT before without much success. I might give it another try, but in order to love myself I feel like I have to get through these issues:

drug misuse, meditate half hour a day, face my fears

Is this the wrong train of thought? I will try my best to accept myself as-is though.

[RTF671]

No, that's good. Although you should change the order to have meditation as the first priority. It will make the others easier to accomplish. 30 mins a day should be good, just recently I started meditating frequently (around 30 mins a day), yesterday I missed my session ( ) but the other day I felt really good and did it three times in a day, made me feel great.

Meditating is good for the mind, it gives a sense of perspective, cleanses your mind, and strengthens your will (if you let it). You are already half way healed. You are posting here and have composed some kind of plan to follow to fix your flaws you noticed in yourself. Just work on yourself and before you know it the problems will be gone.

[NotesMaeve]

When you say "hey," stop and ask, "Yo, what's your name? My name's __." Next time, you can say, "Hi, ___. How's it going? I haven't really gotten to know many peope this year; do you know any decent hangout spots?" Then, talk to more people.

[Peekaboo]

Dear Anamoly

The best book to help you on your way to social success would be Dale Carnegie's 'How to make friends and influence people'. Don't expect immediate results, just know that it takes time.

Just be aware that there is a fine line between being friendly and trying to make conversation and appearing push and creepy. I met a very friendly guy on a support group online and got on ok until he started sending me all these creepy messages, which he probably thought was very sexy, but it broke down the friendship.

Good Luck
Peekaboo

[anamoly]

Originally Posted by Peekaboo

Dear Anamoly

The best book to help you on your way to social success would be Dale Carnegie's 'How to make friends and influence people'. Don't expect immediate results, just know that it takes time.

Just be aware that there is a fine line between being friendly and trying to make conversation and appearing push and creepy. I met a very friendly guy on a support group online and got on ok until he started sending me all these creepy messages, which he probably thought was very sexy, but it broke down the friendship.

Good Luck
Peekaboo

Oh I read all those, including How to Talk to Anyone and also the Power of Now. Those books nice, but I need more practice putting this into practice. And it works very well with adults, but communicating with college students I believe is a whole other ball game. What's the fine line between pushy and creepy, can you give us examples of what kind of creepy messages he started sending you that broke down the friendship? I just want to find a group of people to hang out with and shoot the **** with.

[Peekaboo]

Hi Again

I think of relationships as chewing gum, there are times when you spend a lot of time with people then there are times when you give them some slack. For the past two years I've studied with people ranging from teenagers to pensioners and have befriended some of them.

We don't hang out together all the time, but we do spend time together doing our projects and just talking nonsense and then there are times when we don't see each other for days.

The secret: Don't tell people everything about yourself in the first meeting. It's like a book in the library, when you see the cover you don't know what the style of the writer is, do you? So it is when you make friends, and this is in Dale Carnegie's book, find out more about them than you tell them about yourself. And keep it this way.

The difference between friendly and creepy is:
Hi Jan, how are you doing? I've been thinking about you and your project you're tackling now. Would you like to tell me how you're going to go about it?
as opposed to
Hi Sweetheart, I just love you so much and couldn't sleep last night wondering whether you were dreaming of me...
You get my gist?

Lots of luck
Peekaboo

[eblight]

Stick with your intention to do something about your drug misuse, facing your fears and daily meditation. See how you are feeling after a month with these changes in your life. You may find you are a lot more laid back and attracting others to you without any effort whatsoever even if they are in their own cliques. A warm friendly smile is a winner no matter who you're around and being a good listener will also take you a long way in life. Facing your fears will improve your confidence and self esteem. All the best.

[anamoly]

Hey everyone - thanks for the help! I had a good day of progress today and talked to a lot of people and even met some person who showed me how to change guitar strings on my guitar...cool, especially since I am trying to learn how to play.

[qiflow]

Hi anamoly,

I think there have been some good recommendations so far. Doing your own work is important. However, it is often very hard to see your own blind spots. I would recommend that if it is at all possible, look into going to see a therapist.

It sounds like you have some real social anxiety and depression, and I think you will progress a lot faster with some help. It is amazing what a good therapist can do.

I think that many colleges have free counseling resources. I know mind did. Don't be ashamed to utilize your resources!

Best of luck.

[anamoly]

I've been to a therapist before and feel like I can get just as good help from close friends who have been through the same thing as me. College therapists are also notoriously .. not good, from what I hear and often just prescribe medication. It's definitely difficult to find a good therapist/psychologist as-is and a bad one, I believe can hinder your progress more (by labeling you a drug-addict, for instance and telling you there's nothing you can do to help yourself).

I don't feel depressed anymore and my anxiety is something that no longer paralyzes me so for now I will stay clear of a therapist and do my own thing that's been working. I appreciate the concern and advice though!

[Pegasus]

Joining some structured activities should help with the social skills. Does your college/university have stuff such as intramural sports, dorm activities, clubs and student organizations? Once you start getting involved in something, conversation should arise more spontaneously.

As far as introducing yourself to people, a line that has always worked for me is, "Hey, I've seen you around a lot, but I still don't know your name!" Then introduce yourself.

[Dusty]

If you go through life seeking other's approval to feel happy, you won't have much fun here.

[Angela]

When you approach people, remember that you're already related to them, and they want to be connected and accepted as much as you do. Adopt a mindset that the person you're going to speak with is already a good pal whom you're looking forward to spending time with. People will follow your lead.

[anamoly]

Originally Posted by Angela

When you approach people, remember that you're already related to them, and they want to be connected and accepted as much as you do. Adopt a mindset that the person you're going to speak with is already a good pal whom you're looking forward to spending time with. People will follow your lead.

That's what I have been doing and my life has actually transformed since I have made this post. I hung out with a group of people I spontaneously met in the cafeteria while commenting when we were eating. We got to know each other and these group of people were all incredibly interesting and welcoming. We ended up hanging out all night and had loads of fun just being ourselves. I still catch my mind judging things sometimes, but I make an effort to observe it non-judgmentally and be more present.

I still catch myself feeling all mushy sometimes, but as I am writing this I am recalling Steve's post about how emotions are just there and life would be pretty boring if there was never any sorrow because than we could not appreciate the joy (Gibran's, The Prophet). He recalls however, that only when we are empty and standstill are we in harmony - what exactly is being empty and standstill?

You have all been incredibly helpful and I thank you all for the vibrant support .

[sweetums]

anomaly,

Great progress so far! I was extremely shy all my younger years and young adulthood. When in a group of strangers I just wanted to hang out in a corner and try to be invisible. Needless to say, that strategy didn't win me any friends. By hanging out with more extroverted people who I eventually got to know, and imitating their methods (at least as much as I could bring myself to do), I actually got much better at connecting with others. One thing my extroverted friends do is to always go the extra step of taking an interest in other people. Even just going through a checkstand, my extroverted friends will ask the cashier how they are doing, notice something about them like if they look bored, my husband (an extreme extrovert) will say something like, "We thought we'd get in your line since you looked like you need some company!" Also, veeerrrry important, always look others in the eye and smile. You would not believe the power of a smile. It makes you look approachable, and I've used this method at those parties I used to dread with great success.

My daughter tended to be introverted during high school, so I gave her the advice to smile at others, and she also found it was almost magical the way this encouraged others to open up to her.

I've had lots of success with guided imagery as far as changing circumstances that I would like to see improve. I usually have to use a relaxation recording of some kind to get into the necessary state of relaxation. If you then can simply rest in that state, you will find that the chatter in your head ceases and that you feel comfortable with the silence.

In my own case, I've used imagery to visualize myself doing and experiencing the kinds of things I would like to have happen. For instance, when I was short of money, during relaxation, I visualized myself sort of suspended in space surrounded by stars and planets and flooded by a bright light. In this state, I see money begin to shower down on me like rain, mostly big bills, falling at my feet and piling up, landing on top of my head. I'm basically being submerged in money. Usually I do this as I'm going to sleep, so I drift off with this image in my head. When I first started this exercise, a few days after, I found a check for $5000 that had been in an envelope with another check for $5.00. I had only noticed the $5.00 check and had put it aside. So when I opened the envelope and found another check inside for $5000, I knew my imagery had manifested that extra money for me.

[DayInTheLife]

Originally Posted by anamoly

That's what I have been doing and my life has actually transformed since I have made this post. I hung out with a group of people I spontaneously met in the cafeteria while commenting when we were eating. We got to know each other and these group of people were all incredibly interesting and welcoming. We ended up hanging out all night and had loads of fun just being ourselves. I still catch my mind judging things sometimes, but I make an effort to observe it non-judgmentally and be more present.

Excellent!

A little bit of momentum goes a long way, doesn't it?

[nivaskapil]

good improvement..
all the best anamoly...

can we take this a bit further.......
Now you've started changing,how can you ensure that you will not get back to the old habits again...

From your posts what i've understood is that you've tested a lot of things only to see you getting back again to where you are....

check Is this similar to this....

you've got a computer,but it is affected with a virus..
you can go and install any great software,but still even the new one is also going to get corrupted.....

you cannot have a great transformation,till you clear the base thing which is pretty much similar to the virus,which is sabotaging you.....

so what's that virus for your emotional computer?

think about it.....

[anamoly]

Originally Posted by nivaskapil

good improvement..
all the best anamoly...

can we take this a bit further.......
Now you've started changing,how can you ensure that you will not get back to the old habits again...

From your posts what i've understood is that you've tested a lot of things only to see you getting back again to where you are....

check Is this similar to this....

you've got a computer,but it is affected with a virus..
you can go and install any great software,but still even the new one is also going to get corrupted.....

you cannot have a great transformation,till you clear the base thing which is pretty much similar to the virus,which is sabotaging you.....

so what's that virus for your emotional computer?

think about it.....

Hmm, well I think that oscillating back and forth between happy and sad is a part of human existence and Steve's "Joy of Sadness" post hits the mark right on the head. My biggest issue at the moment is non-attachment, but I feel I am working on it by constantly feeling myself inside and just letting everything be.

How do I not revert back to old habits?

Uh, which old habits? My habits are not an intrinsic part of me, but rather outward manifestations of my inner reality. So that brings me to this question: if I am feeling sad, does that mean I have to project a sad reality? I think this is where things get interesting because if you project a sad reality when you're feeling sad, won't you just be reaffirming to yourself that is what you desire and self-perpetuate the cycle?

So when I feel sad, I still smile for people and be enthusiastic and soon that sadness goes away and I feel full. Before, when I felt sad I would moreso gravitate toward myself and close myself off from other people and for entertainment (and to force my senses to be temporarily happy) I would go ahead and consume substances. People are entertaining enough, and as you mentioned it's important to be grounded and have deep moral values, or "true north" as Stephen Convey calls it. My true north is helping other people and being there for other people. But, what if I need someone to be there for me?

Well, that's what you guys are for , although a real friend would be more helpful. This is something that I don't really feel comfortable asking other people though - what if I want a romantic partner? I've been reading The Power of Now, and I realize that partner's aren't a clutch or a drug that I need - but generally, what if I want one? Thing is, I am inexperienced in dating. What if I like a girl inside a circle of friends that I have been developing since I made this post? I seem to feel attraction between her as well, we get along pretty well and all that. Hmm, I guess I can answer this question myself - live for the moment without attachment to outcomes. So that brings me back to what has always been a practice that is difficult: non-attachment. I feel if I get more in touch with myself and develop better non-attachment skills then things will fall into place.

And in response to my questions above, I know someone will recommend PUA advice, but it seems to be that tons of PUA guys are looking for a quick-**** and not a relationship with any depth. Just to let you guys know of my own developments - I have been making conversation with people as much as possible to develop my social skills and I think I just need to continue going on that path. Throughout my own trials in dating, women, friendship and life I can better hone non-attachment.

Whoa, this ended up being a long post