Social Ineptitude Induced Depression

[Foggy]

Recently I've been feeling really depressed over my abilities to interact with other people. I wouldn't normally consider my social skills this horrible, but recently I feel like I can't say anything interesting. My jokes aren't funny, people seem to tolerate rather than enjoy my company. Some of these observations are a direct result of my frame of mind, and then some are the cause... I don't know how to distinguish, but I really wish I could get my confidence back. I feel like this is a two pronged problem, one being that I'm insecure, and the other being that I'm not as socially adept as I would like to be. It's to tell which one is the cause and which is the effect. Does anyone have any advice for breaking down the mental barricade of insecurity?

[ScottJMurray]

Getting through that insecurity barrier is a tough one. I still struggle with a lot of that kind of stuff. Insecurity means that some part of you doesn't feel like it's okay to have the thoughts, opinions, and emotions that you have. It's like a conflict in your head. You have an idea of something to say, but part of you says "no, I shouldn't say that, they wouldn't like that." Low self-esteem can be really frustrating to get out of.

People who have low self-esteem tend to try really hard to get people's approval in order to compensate for those intense emotions. Then you usually end up coming off as socially awkward, like a kid trying to get attention. This can cause you to be socially ostracized, then it becomes a cycle. Chances are these people just want you to stop trying to get their approval, and they want you to relax and be yourself. I know this guy who does this sort of attention-grabbing behavior even worse than I used to. It's kind of strange to watch it now, because we all accept him totally for who he is. It's like he's grasping for something he already has, but he can't see it. And so he keeps trying.

Ah, the cycle. I've seen it in myself, and I'm starting to be able to better recognize when what I'm saying comes from my heart instead of me trying to gain everyone's approval. Now, I more or less assume most people approve of me already. I'm learning to treat the world like it's my home and everyone in it is my family.

Steve actually had a good article on this kind of thing. I think it was called "Building Soulful Relationships" or something of that sort. It involves changing your belief structure to the idea that everyone around you is already intimately connected to you. That helped me realize a lot of things, actually.

What's strange about trying to say something interesting is that it almost never works. All the interesting stuff comes out naturally. The problem you're probably experiencing is you're focusing so much on trying to impress people. Thus your brain's energy is all tied up, and you can't communicate smoothly. Good conversations seem to come out of nowhere, usually, and that's because it's an almost entirely subconscious emotional exchange. When you're in deep rapport, you don't have to try to do anything. You're hitting the same problem I've hit many years in a row... you're trying. You don't need to.

Also, granted, it's a learning process. We're all learning. Even masters of NLP and all those pick-up artists we've heard about are still picking up new bits of information every time they interact with someone. Once you learn to get past those insecurities and obsessions with "being interesting" the real learning will actually begin. Fear is a big barrier to learning anything, so the first step would be to try your level best to keep your fears in the back of your mind and concentrate on what's going on in front of you.

Hope some of this helps.

[nick pagan]

Hello Foggy,

I agree with Scott that focusing too much on being interesting doesn't work well. Like many favored attributes they are difficult to conjure up out of nothing. They tend to fall like shadows from other actions, i.e. doing interesting things makes you interesting to other people but attempting to be interesting generally doesn't make you interesting to people.

I'm not very good at small talk and I can rarely sustain it for long with people that I have only just met. Recognizing that, I now focus on doing social events that involve other activities so that I share experiences with other people, help other people out, and do things that show my worth and which bring forth things to talk about and joke about naturally.

Getting to the root cause of problems is a little specialty of mine so if you're feeling bad right now and discouraged then these two articles might help you.

Breaking the Spell of Depression
Guaranteed: Self-Confidence

I hope they help,
Nick

[Old Soul]

"Friend... to thine "own" self be true".....

if you are not gifted in the humor department... tell people this , before you tell the joke... ( but tell the joke)!!!! that way you are acknowleding something that you know to be true, and you are being true to yourself, ..... and if you are socially lacking in any way , fine!! , great!!! you just learned something else about yourself, don't let your personal self discoveries, even if you see percieve them as negative foibles effect your choices in a negative way

your confidence is taking because :

1) you are setting up resistance to self instead of embracing self (in it's entirety)

2) and that is what is causing the hit to your self confidence...


I'll have to dig up my short little story called "The Baggage Handler's" it is a humorous look , and way to cope with our human foibles... and we all have them.... if i can find it I will post it for a laugh...

[jawillie]

I can relate to what you said. I am not the life of any party. But, I am learning to embrace that quality about myself and like me anyway.

I find the less I say, the more people like me. Amazing how that works.

You ask someone a question about themselves and then LISTEN. They talk and talk and talk and talk. You say maybe one or two words.

They walk away feeling wonderful.

When asked about you later they reply, "Yeah, I really like so-and-so!"

It works everytime.

[z1freeride]

Originally Posted by nick pagan

Hello Foggy,

I agree with Scott that focusing too much on being interesting doesn't work well. Like many favored attributes they are difficult to conjure up out of nothing. They tend to fall like shadows from other actions, i.e. doing interesting things makes you interesting to other people but attempting to be interesting generally doesn't make you interesting to people.

I'm not very good at small talk and I can rarely sustain it for long with people that I have only just met. Recognizing that, I now focus on doing social events that involve other activities so that I share experiences with other people, help other people out, and do things that show my worth and which bring forth things to talk about and joke about naturally.

Getting to the root cause of problems is a little specialty of mine so if you're feeling bad right now and discouraged then these two articles might help you.

Breaking the Spell of Depression
Guaranteed: Self-Confidence

I hope they help,
Nick

Very true, I like those articles!

Also, humor is something that can be improved. I've steadily increased my humor skills over the past couple of years. I realized that a lot of times, Humor is just lying. Occasionally, depending on the situation, I'll just make up things. For example, when somebody asks, "What do you do for work?" Instead of the usual boring answer, I'll come up with various careers like: hand model, secret agent or whatever. The important thing is to do it with a straight face. Wait until they have a confused look and then say "I'm kidding." Or you could keep it going if they know you are joking and they're playing along.

[Jennihul]

Don't try so hard. People can see right through it and it's a major turnoff. If there was something for you to say, it would pop out naturally. Otherwise, zip it and go with the flow. Smile, laugh...have fun.

Jennifer

[bellemeadows]

I can be shy. So for 2008, I gave myself an assignment. That assignment is to list out 10 fun things I want to do this year.

I think the key to others appreciating you is not trying to be more entertaining, but as others suggested, speaking from your heart. The thing is, you have to find your heart before you can speak from it. Social anziety can cause one's heart to (metaphorically speaking here) still. And finding your heart has to do with finding your passion. . . .

And passion can be found in fun. So what do you do for fun?

One thing that has helped me immensely is having a dog that I just adore. (I have other animals too). There are lots of fun folks to be found when you are walking the dog, and it is easy to talk to folks about dogs. . . . but that is probably my fun not yours. . . . find your fun and pursue it. Then find those folks who like the same fun, and talk to them about it. You'll find your passion for your fun will make you very interesting to others; those others that you probably want to talk to.

So there is my assignment; make a list of ten fun things to do in 2008, and then do them. They don't need to be big, expensive things. They just need to be fun.

Don't get me wrong, this isn't the end all be all; but doesn't it sound like fun?