Taking Responsibility

[Gordon]

There is no easy way to begin this thread. I am posting it partly to be a little cathartic for me, partly to be warning to others not to make my mistakes in life and partly also to be legacy of a disaster that will finally be put to rest once and for all.

At this particular moment in my life I am a failed person. I am now someone who cannot support his family…and of course it hurts, saddens and overwhelms’ me, but it has been the effects on others that is what has been so devastating to me (and of course them).

I can no longer carry on the way I have been living for the past six years in my personal, business and financial life. I am on the verge of losing everything, my health, my businesses, my home and my family.

Before I begin I also want to state, that I take full responsibility for what has happened and it is up to me to sort things out, no one else. No one else has made my decisions in life that has cost me dearly and is still costing me and others as well.

I did not make any of my decisions with the intension of failing, if anything they were done with hope in mind to create a better life for us as a family, support to others and build up several businesses.

It is very painful to type all this, but it has to be done. A form of it will be going out also to many friends and family, some of whom have been affected by my decisions. I hope you MOD’s understand that this is also part of my personal development, that is why I am posting it here. It will not be a blog….maybe the occasional posting, but that is all.

I face a serious uphill struggle in many respects as there are those around me who just won’t accept what has happened and will increase the pressure on me; again that is just something I have to face. I am already experiencing that. I have been told that I have been selfish and brought it all on myself. I no longer know if that is true or not.

I also hope that whoever reads this will understand that is part of my personal redevelopment and a restructuring of my life. There is always hope, and my experiences of what I am about to change in it for the long term will be a testimony to that. There are many on this forum that are young and still to experience life and there are many who may have gone through (or perhaps still are) and come out the other side a changed for the better type person.

As I type this there are tears. I weep not only for myself but for my family and friends…some of whom I have cut myself off from.

My businesses are collapsing, my health is suffering (I have gained 100lbs in 6 years), my debts have increased, now at loggerheads with VAT, tax man and a few creditors. They are all things that can be dealt with, but when they all come at you at the same time…it’s overwhelming. We are living in a one bed roomed flat…(3 of us)…I have so much to deal with, that we can’t get on. My wife and I haven’t had sex in two years….she just is depressed now about our situation. (There are other issues with our families, on top of everything else).

My priority it to say….sod it…I can’t deal with it all at the same time…no matter what. My number one is dealing with my health and my mental condition….the move onto the physical side of things.

The point is this chaos that I am experiencing is mine…no one else’s…I intend to end the chaos and build from here.

G

[Andrew Brunelle]

I am sorry to hear your story. Life can be overwhelming at times and the only way to overcome this is the old mantra "one day at a time." Intend for a better life. Work on one area of your life at a time and start to rebuild. I know it would be easier if you had your finances in order, so I suggest getting a way to make a good income that will support your family first and then working on the rest from there. Good luck.

[Parthon]

I'm inspired by your aim to get through this intact and with your family too. I see that you're commited to making sure everything is okay at the end.

I'm worried though that you might be far into the blame cycle and not into responsiblity at all. Clame is saying over and over "It's my fault!" so much that you become a victim of yourself. It's a mental cancer that will kill you if you don't catch yourself.

Where you want to live is in responsibility, which I've always seen as "being able to respond". Having the mindset that no matter what, you are in control and able to respond to whatever happens. From there you gain the power to start doing what you need to do. You deal with what's in front of you, and what's happening right now, rather than the whole burden of blame and fault. You can't do anything with "It's my fault." but you can always do something with a situation, even if it's not something you like.

But for now, I say look at where you are. Get real with your situation and strip out all the guilt, blame, and poor feelings. Mourn over loss, but don't let it hold you back. Then look at the next step to take.

Often that step is asking for help from other people ...

[nick pagan]

Hello Gordon,

Sadly, no magic bullets exist to solve your multitude of problems instantaneously. I do think that you are bang on with your idea to get your attitude straightened out. From that source of strength can come forth all of the other actions that you need to take.

I offer you this link to a paper that can help you to fortify your attitude for the times ahead.

http://www.nickpagan.com/blog/wp-con...fectly-v10.pdf

Wishing you good cheer in this time of trouble,
Nick

[C33]

Dear Gordon,

I hope that clarifying the situation by writing it down , making it real,will give you a different outlook at it.

It looks like you know what to do about it,instead of being in denial, you have the courage to look at it in the eyes. That, in itself, will help you direct your energy towards a resolution.

I think it does not help to see yourself as a ¨failed person¨, it certainly is untrue. You have failed at things ( but that also means you have tried new things, taken risks in business...etc...).
It seems like you are at the bottom of the pool, about to give that big kick to get to the surface.

Once you overcome your present difficulties, you will have succeeded at turning around a difficult situation.

Maybe your situation will seem more workable with some expert advise, whether tax-wise or business-wise.

[Jenny]

Hey Gordon,
It is absolutely possible to turn all of this around. It won't be easy but it is definitely worth the effort. I admire the courage it took to write this post and openly acknowledge all the areas in your life that seem to be falling apart. I was in a situation similar to yours approximately 6 yrs ago - watching a business fail spectacularly, financial problems, relationship problems (although at the time I would of denied the relationship problem portion of this) and not very healthy overall. For a very long time everything on the surface looked good but my foundation was crumbling. It was confusing, painful and to be honest very embarrassing when I had to face up to the state of my life. I felt like an absolute failure and really believed there was no way out. There was, it just wasn't what I expected.

My life has changed dramatically since that day when I found myself saying nearly exactly what you are saying here, well actually I have changed dramatically and my life has just followed along. It isn't anything as I would of imagined - but it is good. The only thing that worked for me was focusing on my health (mental, physical and emotional).

It’s just money and I imagine you’ll find (as I did) that while every creditor in the world is talking crap to you they ultimately will negotiate. You’ll do what you need to to figure out the financial piece of this problem but it will be so much harder if you hate yourself the entire time. Seriously, if you were able to succeed in business once you can do it again. Bodies change and you can certainly lose the weight. Relationships that are broken heal. None of this will be fast but if you take the time and energy to resolve all of this out in a way that makes you proud (and trust me there are ways to do that) and then do it no matter how uncomfortable or embarrassing it is along the way you, your life and all your relationships will be transformed. Just my two cents as someone who‘s been there and isn‘t any longer. Oh, and in case this isn't clear it didn't the entire six yrs to turn everything as some things progressed far faster than others.

Take care. Things won't stay this overwhelming.

[Maguru]

Gordon, my heart goes out to you. I can fully empathize with you as I have hit rock bottom, been a complete failure and experienced the darkest depths of despair. My whole life fell apart.

I relate my down fall very much with taking on too much responsibilty. Very high expectations of myself. Worked myself to death for others who depended on me. Taking on others problems as my own. I did all this believing it was the right thing to do, believing this was the real me.

However, I have realized that I avoided the pain of changing myself, which should have come naturally and progressively. Because I ignored the need to change, it came all at once as I believe yours is. It is a terribly difficult time through the chaos to the calm. I had to ride the storm and I really am coming through the other side a different person. I wish you well.

Originally Posted by Gordon

There is no easy way to begin this thread. I am posting it partly to be a little cathartic for me, partly to be warning to others not to make my mistakes in life and partly also to be legacy of a disaster that will finally be put to rest once and for all.

At this particular moment in my life I am a failed person. I am now someone who cannot support his family…and of course it hurts, saddens and overwhelms’ me, but it has been the effects on others that is what has been so devastating to me (and of course them).

I can no longer carry on the way I have been living for the past six years in my personal, business and financial life. I am on the verge of losing everything, my health, my businesses, my home and my family.

Before I begin I also want to state, that I take full responsibility for what has happened and it is up to me to sort things out, no one else. No one else has made my decisions in life that has cost me dearly and is still costing me and others as well.

I did not make any of my decisions with the intension of failing, if anything they were done with hope in mind to create a better life for us as a family, support to others and build up several businesses.

It is very painful to type all this, but it has to be done. A form of it will be going out also to many friends and family, some of whom have been affected by my decisions. I hope you MOD’s understand that this is also part of my personal development, that is why I am posting it here. It will not be a blog….maybe the occasional posting, but that is all.

I face a serious uphill struggle in many respects as there are those around me who just won’t accept what has happened and will increase the pressure on me; again that is just something I have to face. I am already experiencing that. I have been told that I have been selfish and brought it all on myself. I no longer know if that is true or not.

I also hope that whoever reads this will understand that is part of my personal redevelopment and a restructuring of my life. There is always hope, and my experiences of what I am about to change in it for the long term will be a testimony to that. There are many on this forum that are young and still to experience life and there are many who may have gone through (or perhaps still are) and come out the other side a changed for the better type person.

As I type this there are tears. I weep not only for myself but for my family and friends…some of whom I have cut myself off from.

My businesses are collapsing, my health is suffering (I have gained 100lbs in 6 years), my debts have increased, now at loggerheads with VAT, tax man and a few creditors. They are all things that can be dealt with, but when they all come at you at the same time…it’s overwhelming. We are living in a one bed roomed flat…(3 of us)…I have so much to deal with, that we can’t get on. My wife and I haven’t had sex in two years….she just is depressed now about our situation. (There are other issues with our families, on top of everything else).

My priority it to say….sod it…I can’t deal with it all at the same time…no matter what. My number one is dealing with my health and my mental condition….the move onto the physical side of things.

The point is this chaos that I am experiencing is mine…no one else’s…I intend to end the chaos and build from here.

G

[SuperManny]

Hey wait a minute, here in America we are taught not to take responsibility for anything! If you spill hot coffee on yourself, you just sue McDonalds. If you get lung cancer you just sue the cigarette manufacturers, etc.

That being said, I take full responsibility for the rest of this post.
I think you're at a nexus point in your life where there are several paths are available to you. Probably what you need most is at this crucial point is a very clear intent coupled with a laser-like focus on what you wish to accomplish.

Don't dwell on the sad state of affairs in your life, things are hardly ever as bad as they seem. I have had several times when I was convinced the world was falling to pieces all around me, even to the point of becoming homeless and friendless, but things always seemed to work out ok in the end.

Imagine yourself 10 years in the future. Now, see things weren't that bad, were they. How did you handle it? Did you just kinda stumble thru it, or did you come up with a plan, and just deal with the challenges one by one as they reared their ugly head.a

Do not ask for your problems to be smaller; insted choose to be so much bigger and so empowered that they truly seem insignificant to you when you actually meet them head-on.

[Gordon]

Hello folks,

All good support here, and I thank you for all the comments.

It is encouranging to know that I am not alone in experiencing what I am experiencing right now...and well done those who overcame. I will too...just hanging on to your shirt tails!!!

Yes its a mind changing exercise that is happening. Each day is new at the moment and there are days when I find myself forcing myself out of my comfort zone....no bad thing.

Even little things, like going for a walk to clear my head, when I don't really fancy going out. So it's starting to contribute to my health improvements.

I work from home a lot and it has been too easy to sit at my laptop on the weekends and evening. Now I shut it down of an evening, collect my son early from nursery earlier and on the weekends, don't even look at the thing. I am placing a high value on me time to give my brain a rest.

Even meeting a old pal of mine on Thursday, who I haven't seen for many years. I intend to do more.

I telephone my wife everyday at her work to tell her I love her and it seems to give her a little more hope about the future too.

I used to be very anxious if the family offered us anything...but my father-in-law has booked myself, my wife and my son a long weekend in nice hotel in the north of England...York. It is a change in me, that I would accept things like this. That he did it was a nice gesture too....in the past I would have been too full of angst that someone would do that for me....and that it should have been me doing instead. But hay, no more nonsense.

Also had a offer for a course, which normally cost about £1000 a month to do. It is run by a friend of mine who helps high powered business men develop strategies in their live to help run their businesses and develop positive powerful mindsent...he has offered me a place on the course. We will help him in the long term as there are tie ups with what we do.

I know that to a lot of folks reading some of these things, it might seem really trivial, but that's what it like when you are rebuilding things from the bottom up. It is the little habits, that slowly build up the foundations, that will make me stronger and able to get back on track.

Today has been a productive day in terms of the business....much as the hounds are still at the door, I sat down with someone and developed a strategy to generate income in a dramtic way. Again it feels like a foundation stone is going into place.

There are still people chasing me like mad to get their money...(I understand that)...but there comes a point, where they are just not listening and I can't pay just now....but I will pay.

Each day I will answers the emails, that I can answer, or take the calls that can take. If some things, 'fall off the table', then so be it for just now. I am not going to sweat that.

I said earlier that I was couraged by the fact that others have had similar experiences. How and what did you start to change first? With me it is my health and mind that I am focusing on....and I know that other things will follow on from there.

Kind regards

G