Unsure of Self?

[ScotiaCoast]

This is my first thread, and although I've been reading posts on here for a while, I have rarely felt the need to comment, and have never felt the need to start a thread (until now)! I guess what I'm struggling with is 'unsureness' with myself, a problem that came to light tonight. You see, I'm a university student living in residence. I wasn't going to return to school in September because I had no clue what to do major- and career-wise, but at the last minute decided 'What the heck," and opted to try classes that I hadn't before to explore my options. I still don't know what to major in, but I don't expect any of you to resolve this as I've spent at least 5 hours with career counsellors/academic advisors. What I'm really bothered by is this: I came back to residence today. I had been living in a double room alone for most of last semester, having moved in about a month later than everyone else, but was informed before the December break that I might have a roommate in January. I got back this afternoon, settled in, had no roommate, so I went out for the afternoon. When I came back to my room tonight, someone new had settled in on the other side of the room but was nowhere in sight (still haven't met him 5 hours later).

Sitting here waiting has been agonising for me, and I find it's just an extreme case of how my general feelings lately. Talking about it with a friend, she said "I'm sure he'll be fine." I agree (I could live with just about anybody), but discovered that what I'm really nervous about is what he'll think of me, not vice versa! I know it's probably normal to get at least a few jitters when meeting a new roommate for the first time, but I can't get rid of my worries about what he'll think about me, if he'll like me, etc. I had a roommate for a couple short weeks last semester and communicated rarely. He moved to a single room shortly after I moved in (this building sort of houses people waiting for better rooms to become available). Moreover, I haven't really met anyone or made friends in my building and it really worries me. I also feel like the longer I put off trying to make friends, the less likely it is to happen as everyone's already settled in their niches. How did I get to this point? At the end of high school and my first year of university I made a lot of friends and had many good times with them. However, the past two years have been social limbo for me. I lived in residence for a semester last year and came out with absolutely no friends. I'm afraid that might happen again this year and I don't want it to, although I'm not sure how to get over this hump. I don't understand why this shyness and social anxiety has come back to haunt me - would it be fair to associate it with confusion about life right now and the consequent blow to my confidence and esteem over the past couple of years? I've never been a very confident person and I'm not really sure how to cope with that, either.

I would really appreciate any words of advice you may have.

[ScottJMurray]

I'm sort of dealing with the same stuff. I just moved back to Eugene where I went to college about 2 years ago. Everything has changed. While I had a rich social life in the dorms, now everyone is scattered around the city with new interests, new circles of friends, and I'm faced with the somewhat daunting task of getting back into the social circle here. I felt very alone and isolated and frustrated earlier today, so I went for a run that was twice as long as I normally do (8 miles, whew!).

Basically, I want to feel accepted and like I have someone I can talk to when I need to. What I'm learning right now is how to be myself in front of other people, which tends to attract a lot of good relationships for me. Right now I feel better because I called up a bunch of old friends and went out to their place to hang out. I talked about how I felt isolated with them, and they were very supportive (I love Eugene people so so much). Just being honest about how I felt drew more support than I thought I could get.

This isn't to say I didn't feel uncomfortable and afraid of what everyone would think of me. I did, actually. What I'm starting to realize is that all of this is only going on inside my own head, and it clouds my vision from what's actually happening. All those negative emotions taint the actual experience I'm having with these people. Once I started to loosen up and let go of those reactions, I was able to socialize more smoothly and finally have the courage to open up.

I feel soooo much better at having talked about that with them. Oh my god, it's like a thousand pound weight dropped off my back.

My advice? Find someone and start talking to them about how you feel. People aren't as mean as we sometimes think they will be. Just start somewhere. I remember that the Dahli Lama said he used to talk to the guy who swept the floors at night about his problems. Accept what you're feeling, and put yourself out there just as you are. You can't be anyone but you.

[Maguru]

Did you feel that maybe the friend moving out was your fault somehow? Something must have changed you to lose confidence and begin questioning yourself. I think your doubting Thomas is showing.

Originally Posted by ScotiaCoast

This is my first thread, and although I've been reading posts on here for a while, I have rarely felt the need to comment, and have never felt the need to start a thread (until now)! I guess what I'm struggling with is 'unsureness' with myself, a problem that came to light tonight. You see, I'm a university student living in residence. I wasn't going to return to school in September because I had no clue what to do major- and career-wise, but at the last minute decided 'What the heck," and opted to try classes that I hadn't before to explore my options. I still don't know what to major in, but I don't expect any of you to resolve this as I've spent at least 5 hours with career counsellors/academic advisors. What I'm really bothered by is this: I came back to residence today. I had been living in a double room alone for most of last semester, having moved in about a month later than everyone else, but was informed before the December break that I might have a roommate in January. I got back this afternoon, settled in, had no roommate, so I went out for the afternoon. When I came back to my room tonight, someone new had settled in on the other side of the room but was nowhere in sight (still haven't met him 5 hours later).

Sitting here waiting has been agonising for me, and I find it's just an extreme case of how my general feelings lately. Talking about it with a friend, she said "I'm sure he'll be fine." I agree (I could live with just about anybody), but discovered that what I'm really nervous about is what he'll think of me, not vice versa! I know it's probably normal to get at least a few jitters when meeting a new roommate for the first time, but I can't get rid of my worries about what he'll think about me, if he'll like me, etc. I had a roommate for a couple short weeks last semester and communicated rarely. He moved to a single room shortly after I moved in (this building sort of houses people waiting for better rooms to become available). Moreover, I haven't really met anyone or made friends in my building and it really worries me. I also feel like the longer I put off trying to make friends, the less likely it is to happen as everyone's already settled in their niches. How did I get to this point? At the end of high school and my first year of university I made a lot of friends and had many good times with them. However, the past two years have been social limbo for me. I lived in residence for a semester last year and came out with absolutely no friends. I'm afraid that might happen again this year and I don't want it to, although I'm not sure how to get over this hump. I don't understand why this shyness and social anxiety has come back to haunt me - would it be fair to associate it with confusion about life right now and the consequent blow to my confidence and esteem over the past couple of years? I've never been a very confident person and I'm not really sure how to cope with that, either.

I would really appreciate any words of advice you may have.

[nick pagan]

When you don't have many friends and you start to question your adequacy in this area you can quickly get into a loop of negative reinforcement. You then tend to get edgier around people and thus more likely to goof up when you do meet new people. The lack of opportunities to quickly overcome any self-doubt through interaction in other comfortable relationships means that you dwell and focus on the problem. All in all it's not a healthy situation.

You have now reached a stage in life where friendships no longer come thick and fast and easy. That normally happens when you are a child plus you have some form of family to seek comfort from. You don't even think about these things because school and family give a multitude of connections with other people and the shared experiences that create friendships. As you get older things change. The situations and events that foster good friendships by accident start to dry up.

You can counter this by thinking about your previous friendships and what made them work. Normally they come out of shared experiences and memorable events. You now have to actively manage the creation of shared experiences and memorable events rather than leaving it to chance. Join clubs and societies. Attend evening classes for favorite hobbies. Then start to organize social events. That's a skill that takes some developing so learn from any early discouragements and keep going with it. Even if you never become the life and soul of the party you can still have a very active social life through making it easier, better and more fun for other people to have a very active social life.

Nick Pagan