Judging People

[coLLege kid07]

Hey everyone.

I have a question for you all. Right now, I'm having some trouble with the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" concept. I notice that sometimes I have a tendency to judge people and put a label on them. As in "That person is negative, that person is stupid. ect." However, after I do this I then look at myself and realise that I shouldn't be doing this. Because if I was in their position I wouldn't want to be judged. Herein lies the dilemma.

What do you think. Do you believe we should judge other people? or more specifically do you do it yourself? (not necessarly judging by color or race, but by character.) What are your beliefs about this kind of thing?

I'm hoping your answers can give me insight to why I create so much pain over this. Thanks for your help. God Bless!

[Andrew Brunelle]

I believe that people behave the way they do for a reason and if they act in a way that you perceive as negative, you should not judge them or label them. No matter what someone does, it is wrong to judge them because you don't know where they are coming from or why they act the way they do. I leave my judgments at the door most days, but it is easy to fall back into the judgment phase. I just remember that we are all in this together and we are all human. All a human being wants is understanding.

[Ree]

I've worked hard at not being judgmental. I personally think it's acceptable to notice that someone is different from me in appearance, dress, etc. What I do is limit myself to observation only. I don't make judgments based upon those observations. I observe differences, I appreciate differences, but I do not assume anything based on those differences.

In my business however, it's necessary to judge others. Based on past experience, I judge some individuals to be untrustworthy, some to be unreliable, etc. These judgments are necessary because I do not wish to do business with individuals with these characteristics. But it's strictly business.

[Maguru]

You cannot see a trait in another unless you have it yourself. If you are judging someone as stupid, you use the same criteria for yourself. It isn't about the rights and wrongs of judgement. It is about reflection of self.

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Hey everyone.

I have a question for you all. Right now, I'm having some trouble with the whole "don't judge a book by its cover" concept. I notice that sometimes I have a tendency to judge people and put a label on them. As in "That person is negative, that person is stupid. ect." However, after I do this I then look at myself and realise that I shouldn't be doing this. Because if I was in their position I wouldn't want to be judged. Herein lies the dilemma.

What do you think. Do you believe we should judge other people? or more specifically do you do it yourself? (not necessarly judging by color or race, but by character.) What are your beliefs about this kind of thing?

I'm hoping your answers can give me insight to why I create so much pain over this. Thanks for your help. God Bless!

[Gary]

I don't judge anymore. I do however make assessments. The difference between the two is that judgment involves things like the following: comparisons with oneself or another, emotional reactions, sense of superiority or knowledge, internal dialog.

Assessments are just observations that you notice but don't fixate on. They are a lot more peaceful and calm.


___________________ WHY IS THIS TRUE? _____________

You cannot see a trait in another unless you have it yourself. If you are judging someone as stupid, you use the same criteria for yourself. It isn't about the rights and wrongs of judgement. It is about reflection of self.

DOES THAT MEAN THAT A PSYCHOLOGIST CAN ONLY DIAGNOSE SUCH THINGS AS BI-POLAR, DEPRESSION, OR ANOREXIA IF THEY HAVE IT THEMSELVES?

IS THIS REALLY TRUE?

[Angela]

Like Maguru said, you can't see it if you don't have it. If you find yourself judging labeling or complaining about another person, that's your cue to look for that quality in yourself. It's 100% yours, and 0% theirs.

[Spirittap]

I don't think we should judge someone because we are all learning and going through the experience of life together as a whole.

I do think you can judge the action though. If we couldn't distinguish between right or wrong the we wouldn't have the fuel to grow and do good. Insults should be left out of it. You can help a person or yourself be more aware by pointing out his or her actions as being good or bad. You could suggest they put themselves in the shoes of others, powerful way to learn. Although certain lesser actions come down to the individuals perspective. Intent plays a big role too .

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Gary

DOES THAT MEAN THAT A PSYCHOLOGIST CAN ONLY DIAGNOSE SUCH THINGS AS BI-POLAR, DEPRESSION, OR ANOREXIA IF THEY HAVE IT THEMSELVES?

IS THIS REALLY TRUE?

Gary, like you, a psychologist is making an evaluation rather than a judgement or complaint (hopefully! ).

A person who is trained as a professional in these fields does "have" them -- he can find what it is to be bi-polar, depressed, or anorexic within himself in his training, in his thinking. The psychologist is knowing and seeing clearly what it means to have these conditions, so that he can assist the patient in freeing himself of the deleterious effects.

As you know, evaluation like that is quite different than judgement or complaint. If I were to look at a person and think, "I could be wrong, but that person looks like he's got anorexia," that's an evaluation. I might have compassion for him, and I might be moved to act to assist him if it's appropriate. And if I were to sneer jealously about a thin woman, "She doesn't have discipline, she's just anorexic!" ... well, that would be judgement and complaint, and I would be wise to look for the anorexia in myself -- in this case, the anorexia in my thinking -- starving myself of love, freedom, and compassion, while imagining that I looked just fine.

In that way, judgement and complaint are great opportunities we afford ourselves of -- opportunities to unravel our thinking and be free. If we pay attention!

[coLLege kid07]

Originally Posted by Maguru

You cannot see a trait in another unless you have it yourself. If you are judging someone as stupid, you use the same criteria for yourself. It isn't about the rights and wrongs of judgement. It is about reflection of self.

Yea that makes perfect sence. I guess looking at this issue more in-depthly (not sure if thats a word ) has shown me that I usually have an emotional reaction when I try and ask someone for something. I guess in a way I feel that if I ask for help or if I ask for a service from someone I'm declaring myself weak and therefore can not handle the situation (or whatever it is) by myself. Thus I believe this is where the judgement comes in.

I think these realizations have brought me alot more clarity....but I still feel I have some work to do. Thanks for everyones help =)

[Maguru]

Have you actually tried pointing out to someone their 'bad' behaviour? If so, how was it recieved?
Also, have you put yourself in the shoes of others by being the one displaying 'bad' behaviour?
Finally, isn't distinguishing 'good' and 'bad' behaviour still judgement?

Originally Posted by Spirittap

I don't think we should judge someone because we are all learning and going through the experience of life together as a whole.

I do think you can judge the action though. If we couldn't distinguish between right or wrong the we wouldn't have the fuel to grow and do good. Insults should be left out of it. You can help a person or yourself be more aware by pointing out his or her actions as being good or bad. You could suggest they put themselves in the shoes of others, powerful way to learn. Although certain lesser actions come down to the individuals perspective. Intent plays a big role too .

[Spirittap]

Originally Posted by Maguru

Have you actually tried pointing out to someone their 'bad' behaviour? If so, how was it recieved?
Also, have you put yourself in the shoes of others by being the one displaying 'bad' behaviour?
Finally, isn't distinguishing 'good' and 'bad' behaviour still judgement?

Yes, when someone acts rude i'll speak up. For the most part they'll understand and apologize. It all depends on the situation, but yes i can understand why someone may be displaying bad behaviour, but that doesn't mean i condone it.

I'll quote my original post since i already covered your last question.

Originally Posted by Spirittap

I do think you can judge the action though. If we couldn't distinguish between right or wrong the we wouldn't have the fuel to grow and do good.

[Spirittap]

Hmm. I'll be a little more clear on how i view judging someone. I see judgements as negatively labeling someone. Telling someone they're rotten or bad or horrible because of their actions. Everyone makes mistakes though and we're all here to learn and evolve. We need that compassion and understanding to continue to grow. In order to grow we must understand the difference between right and wrong. If you don't know right from wrong then for instance if your friend gets beat up infront of you, you will not do anything because you have no idea on how to judge the situation.

[Danni4343]

Wouldn't distinguishing 'good' and 'bad' be judgment?

Every person has their own unique set of standards for "good" and "bad" deeds/behaviors/actions/etc. We "distinguish" 'good' and 'bad' on the basis of those standards. Wouldn't that be judgment?

[Maguru]

Spirittap, I really don't think you are seeing from the judged person's point of view, only from your own. What do you deem to be 'rude' behaviour? Isn't that just your opinion and judgement?

Labelling someone's behaviour is not understanding it at all. If understanding was present, condoning would not, because understanding brings its own solution.

Have you considered that your opinions and judgements may be wrong and who then would be the judge of your behaviour?

Originally Posted by Spirittap

Yes, when someone acts rude i'll speak up. For the most part they'll understand and apologize. It all depends on the situation, but yes i can understand why someone may be displaying bad behaviour, but that doesn't mean i condone it.

I'll quote my original post since i already covered your last question.

[Maguru]

This is exactly the same way as I percieve it to be. I do have problems with those who don't see it this way and am truly trying to understand why others percieve it differently.

Maybe it is through personal experience. I have been judged very harshly and I was innocent, though far from perfect. The judgements were made from other's perceptions of my behaviour that had nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

I believe we all project ourselves through relationship with others and judgement is where it appears. It is a beautiful way of knowing yourself, warts and all.

Originally Posted by Danni4343

Wouldn't distinguishing 'good' and 'bad' be judgment?

Every person has their own unique set of standards for "good" and "bad" deeds/behaviors/actions/etc. We "distinguish" 'good' and 'bad' on the basis of those standards. Wouldn't that be judgment?

[Spirittap]

I disagree with you, Maguru. I already posted my opinion, if i continued i'd just be repeating myself. Just reread what i said for an answer to your questions.

I'll add one last thing. When someone hurts another purposley then their action should be corrected. If no one tells them what they're doing is wrong then they will continue to act this way. If you do something that is hurtful to another or to yourself, but you don't realize it then something should be said. It's not a black and white issue though, there are some grey areas.

[coLLege kid07]

hmm I'm glad everyone else is getting something out of this too lol

I think what it boils down for me is what Maguru stated beautifully:

"You cannot see a trait in another unless you have it yourself. If you are judging someone as stupid, you use the same criteria for yourself. It isn't about the rights and wrongs of judgement. It is about reflection of self."

I think it just comes down to noticing the resistance in myself and then doing something about it. You hear an idea (or whatever the case maybe) and then you don't emotionally resisting whatever took place. In other words you just see it as it is. Then afterword you can evaluate it or comprehend it whatever way you like as long as you don't emotional resist "what is".

[demk]

check out...

www.thework.com

ByronKatie.com: The Official Blog for The Work of Byron Katie

The focus of The Work and Byron Katie's teaching is freedom through dealing with your judgements about other people. Its a fantastic system that has made a massive difference in my life. I do it as a daily practice.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

Yea that makes perfect sence. I guess looking at this issue more in-depthly (not sure if thats a word ) has shown me that I usually have an emotional reaction when I try and ask someone for something. I guess in a way I feel that if I ask for help or if I ask for a service from someone I'm declaring myself weak and therefore can not handle the situation (or whatever it is) by myself. Thus I believe this is where the judgement comes in.

I think these realizations have brought me alot more clarity....but I still feel I have some work to do. Thanks for everyones help =)

Congratulations on your quantum leap. You would be surprised how many never reach the self-awareness you have. Take a bow!

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by coLLege kid07

hmm I'm glad everyone else is getting something out of this too lol

I think what it boils down for me is what Maguru stated beautifully:

"You cannot see a trait in another unless you have it yourself. If you are judging someone as stupid, you use the same criteria for yourself. It isn't about the rights and wrongs of judgement. It is about reflection of self."

I think it just comes down to noticing the resistance in myself and then doing something about it. You hear an idea (or whatever the case maybe) and then you don't emotionally resisting whatever took place. In other words you just see it as it is. Then afterword you can evaluate it or comprehend it whatever way you like as long as you don't emotional resist "what is".

Yes, take it away with you and see the truth of who you are.

On a very personal level I feel very moved by the responses. I wondered if it was pampering to my ego. But no, I do that for myself. Then I realised, for the 1st. time in my life I feel understood and accepted. I cannot convey in words what this means to me. What a wonderful experience. It was worth waiting for. Thankyou. I'm looking forward to many more.

[Maguru]

Originally Posted by Spirittap

I disagree with you, Maguru. I already posted my opinion, if i continued i'd just be repeating myself. Just reread what i said for an answer to your questions.

I'll add one last thing. When someone hurts another purposley then their action should be corrected. If no one tells them what they're doing is wrong then they will continue to act this way. If you do something that is hurtful to another or to yourself, but you don't realize it then something should be said. It's not a black and white issue though, there are some grey areas.

The issue isn't about bad behaviour but judgeing behaviour as bad. When the behaviour is understood then there are no grey areas. Understanding brings clarity. Not understanding brings confusion and pain.

[eblight]

What I notice in life is that the people who judge others harshly are even more judgmental of themselves. Judging others harshly is negative to say the least. Outspoken judgments of another is deemed as criticism. Nobody likes to be criticized. We'll always remember the one criticism from someone and forget all the good things that person might have said about us. We live in the maia. It's all about judgment anyway. However, we can always choose what thoughts we want to dwell on. If we dwell on negative judgmental thoughts of others they will continue to dominate our lives. If we look for the more positive aspects of others I believe we not only feel better about ourselves but we attract to us people who reinforce our own goodness.

[Spirittap]

Originally Posted by Maguru

The issue isn't about bad behaviour but judgeing behaviour as bad.

Read what i quoted from you. You say the issue isn't about bad behavior but then say the issue is when you judge behavior as bad. Bad behavior needs to be judged to be considered bad .

Me tell