Letting Go Of The Past and Moving Forward

[tstesen]

I'm fairly young, mid 20's and have faced numerous obstacles and losses in my short life. A little over a year ago I made the decision to move cross country from South Florida where I spent a good majority of my life to Denver, CO. I thought that by moving it would help me to heal and move past the issues and people in my life that have hurt me.

In a nut shell I had a terrible childhood. Both of my parents abandoned me in favor of starting new lives with their new spouses and children. I was left to be raised by my biological mother's elderly parents. They were already in their 60's when I came along.

My young life was filled with a lot of pain and drama which ultimately sent my life into a downward spiral. During my teenage years I made a lot of bad choices and became addicted to drugs. Around 17 I managed to turn my life around for the better. I got past my drug addiction and at almost 19 got married to my boyfriend of 4 years. That was another disaster in itself.

After we married we faced a lot of problems with addiction on his part as well as infidelity. He slept with everyone including my younger half sister from my biological mother.

In 2004 I finally got the courage to walk out. I left him and moved into my own home to begin my life again. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. Even though we've been separated for years and have virtually not contact he still has a very strong hold over my life. We had a son together who my ex-husband takes no responsibility for. He owes me over $15,000.00 in back child support. Financially I manage on my own (I'm self employed) but I find myself constantly feeling angry and resentful about having to do it all myself.

In addition to all this (and what is really making me upset now) our son had an accident last year. He had a bad fall and fractured his skull. By court order my ex is responsible for providing our son with health insurance. Needless to say he doesn't. As I'm self employed it is much more affordable for my ex to insure our son than myself as I don't receive child support so I don't have a lot of extra cash laying around.

The hospital bills were over $20,000.00. They are all on my credit now. I just feel so terrible. I feel like no matter how far I get away I'll never really get away. He still has so much influence over the course of my life, especially my financial future. It's my dream to purchase a house in the next few years and now due to no fault of my own its all crumbling around me.

During this time my mother (biological grandmother) also passed away suddenly (within 6 months) from cancer. I was devastated. In October in an effort to mend the past I had my biological mother fly out to Denver to spend 2 weeks with my family. My biological mother is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. Her drinking while here was disastrous. Her and I had many screaming matches in her drunken states. One week into her trip I demanded that she leave and fly home. I just couldn't take the stress and anxiety she was creating in my life.

She said some very hurtful things to me, none of which I'm sure she remembers. She's been attempting to make contact with me via phone, email and even went so far as to send me flowers the day after Christmas. I have no interest in mending our relationship. It is clear to me that her and I will never be mother and daughter like. It's just to hurtful for me. She's also terminally ill which had driven my desire to make amends with her. I felt guilty about her passing and us never having the opportunity to have a good relationship.

So to make a long story short how do I move past these negative aspects of my life and move forward? Deep inside I know that I'll never truly be happy in life unless I can move forward and leave these things behind but its difficult. I feel like I've been so wronged in life and there's no justice for those individuals that do this to others. I hate sounding like the victim but I'm overwhelmed.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a great family, a loving boyfriend (of over 3 years now) and a successful business but I can see that my feelings over the past are greatly affecting my ability to be happy in the here and now.

Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated. I've gone through numerous legal processes to try and right the situation with at least my ex so I can have some closure but to no avail. I get the court orders but never see a thing.

[ProjectX]

Hey tstesen. I also had a painful past and there are times when I so badly wish I can go back and just change everything and it feels everyday that my reality is a nightmare and I'm trapped in it and it really really sucks. Perhaps I may never understand what you are going through and never will and its not my place to say what you should do or not do.
But these words have given me relief and I hope they will to you from your past and internal suffering;

The world is like a ride at an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it, you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time, and they begin to question: is this real, or is this just a ride? And other people have remembered, and they come back to us. They say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid ever, because – this is just a ride." And we … kill those people. "Shut him up. We have a lot invested in this ride. Shut him up. Look at my furrows of worry. Look at my big bank account and my family. This just has to be real." It's just a ride. But we always kill those good guys who try and tell us that, you ever notice that? And let the demons run amok. Jesus, murdered; Martin Luther King, murdered; Malcolm X, murdered; Gandhi, murdered; John Lennon, murdered; Reagan … wounded. But it doesn't matter, because – it's just a ride. And we can change it any time we want. It's only a choice. No effort, no work, no job, no savings and money. A choice, right now, between fear and love. -Bill Hicks

[nick pagan]

Are there any services where you can 'sell' the debt of your husband to you to a collection agency. They give you a percentage of the debt and it is their responsibility to collect it. I've heard of such things but I don't know if they are possible in the case of child support and medical bills.

As for the rest of your story, you have clearly had it bad but I admire you for standing up and getting on with making a life for yourself. You got to grips with an addiction and you created your own business - that makes you something special.

I had some resentments left over from my childhood that lasted for a long time and caused a lot of trouble for my attitude towards things. In the end I just had to accept the reality that I never had that 'perfect' childhood that I envied others for. Nor did I have the warm and tender love of my entire family. Never had it and never will have it. I decided to accept that reality, adjust to what I had left and get on with things. That means making the best of what I have, where I find myself right now.

You seem like someone who can make that adjustment. The pain of the past matters less when you enjoy the moment and create good times now and in the future with the people dear to you.

Nick Pagan

[tstesen]

Originally Posted by nick pagan

Are there any services where you can 'sell' the debt of your husband to you to a collection agency. They give you a percentage of the debt and it is their responsibility to collect it. I've heard of such things but I don't know if they are possible in the case of child support and medical bills.

As for the rest of your story, you have clearly had it bad but I admire you for standing up and getting on with making a life for yourself. You got to grips with an addiction and you created your own business - that makes you something special.

I had some resentments left over from my childhood that lasted for a long time and caused a lot of trouble for my attitude towards things. In the end I just had to accept the reality that I never had that 'perfect' childhood that I envied others for. Nor did I have the warm and tender love of my entire family. Never had it and never will have it. I decided to accept that reality, adjust to what I had left and get on with things. That means making the best of what I have, where I find myself right now.

You seem like someone who can make that adjustment. The pain of the past matters less when you enjoy the moment and create good times now and in the future with the people dear to you.

Nick Pagan

Thanks Nick, I really appreciate your input and kind words. I try for the most part not to dwell on the past but when things continue to pop up years later its frustrating. Especially when I'm working so hard to provide for my family and have big goals which include owning a home. I have tried everything I can think of to get the debt resolved. I even spoke with the hospitals billing department in an attempt to get them to change the name on the account to my ex husbands. I have a court order that I offered to show them but they wouldn't budge.

I will look into the debt collection service that you suggested. I haven't seen such a thing to date but it could be beneficial. Now that you mentioned that my business utilizes a collection agency for past due accounts. I might give them a ring to see if they'd be interested in taking on something like this.

I also hired a private company in May of 07 to collect the debt my ex owes me. They are working on contingency so I don't have to pay a dime unless they collect. I gave up on the state services and court system a long time ago. Sure I can get all the judgements in the world in my favor but if I never see the money than what's the point?

But alas, money isn't everything.

I really need to inject some positivity in my life and I'm taking it slow, day by day I guess.

Thanks again Nick

Tanya

[nick pagan]

Hi Tanya,

Everyone needs a sympathetic ear and a few words of encouragement from time to time. It's my pleasure to pass a moment and give a kind response on this occasion.

Take care now,

Nick

[Maguru]

You can't run from the past. It goes wherever you go. Find a place within yourself to accept the past and see how you have changed because of these experiences. You may be pleasently surprised to find you have developed some noble qualities and maybe some not so nice too. This is an opportunity to free yourself. It's hard and you are hurting. I truly empathize with you and wish you well.

Originally Posted by tstesen

I'm fairly young, mid 20's and have faced numerous obstacles and losses in my short life. A little over a year ago I made the decision to move cross country from South Florida where I spent a good majority of my life to Denver, CO. I thought that by moving it would help me to heal and move past the issues and people in my life that have hurt me.

In a nut shell I had a terrible childhood. Both of my parents abandoned me in favor of starting new lives with their new spouses and children. I was left to be raised by my biological mother's elderly parents. They were already in their 60's when I came along.

My young life was filled with a lot of pain and drama which ultimately sent my life into a downward spiral. During my teenage years I made a lot of bad choices and became addicted to drugs. Around 17 I managed to turn my life around for the better. I got past my drug addiction and at almost 19 got married to my boyfriend of 4 years. That was another disaster in itself.

After we married we faced a lot of problems with addiction on his part as well as infidelity. He slept with everyone including my younger half sister from my biological mother.

In 2004 I finally got the courage to walk out. I left him and moved into my own home to begin my life again. Unfortunately it wasn't that simple. Even though we've been separated for years and have virtually not contact he still has a very strong hold over my life. We had a son together who my ex-husband takes no responsibility for. He owes me over $15,000.00 in back child support. Financially I manage on my own (I'm self employed) but I find myself constantly feeling angry and resentful about having to do it all myself.

In addition to all this (and what is really making me upset now) our son had an accident last year. He had a bad fall and fractured his skull. By court order my ex is responsible for providing our son with health insurance. Needless to say he doesn't. As I'm self employed it is much more affordable for my ex to insure our son than myself as I don't receive child support so I don't have a lot of extra cash laying around.

The hospital bills were over $20,000.00. They are all on my credit now. I just feel so terrible. I feel like no matter how far I get away I'll never really get away. He still has so much influence over the course of my life, especially my financial future. It's my dream to purchase a house in the next few years and now due to no fault of my own its all crumbling around me.

During this time my mother (biological grandmother) also passed away suddenly (within 6 months) from cancer. I was devastated. In October in an effort to mend the past I had my biological mother fly out to Denver to spend 2 weeks with my family. My biological mother is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. Her drinking while here was disastrous. Her and I had many screaming matches in her drunken states. One week into her trip I demanded that she leave and fly home. I just couldn't take the stress and anxiety she was creating in my life.

She said some very hurtful things to me, none of which I'm sure she remembers. She's been attempting to make contact with me via phone, email and even went so far as to send me flowers the day after Christmas. I have no interest in mending our relationship. It is clear to me that her and I will never be mother and daughter like. It's just to hurtful for me. She's also terminally ill which had driven my desire to make amends with her. I felt guilty about her passing and us never having the opportunity to have a good relationship.

So to make a long story short how do I move past these negative aspects of my life and move forward? Deep inside I know that I'll never truly be happy in life unless I can move forward and leave these things behind but its difficult. I feel like I've been so wronged in life and there's no justice for those individuals that do this to others. I hate sounding like the victim but I'm overwhelmed.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for. I have a great family, a loving boyfriend (of over 3 years now) and a successful business but I can see that my feelings over the past are greatly affecting my ability to be happy in the here and now.

Any advice or ideas would be greatly appreciated. I've gone through numerous legal processes to try and right the situation with at least my ex so I can have some closure but to no avail. I get the court orders but never see a thing.