stuck in a low motivation life

[David73]

Hi,

it took some time to get myself worked up to really write this post…So I better get started right away, just let me apologize in advance for my simple english, as I’m no native speaker.

I stumbled over Steve’s Blog about one year ago...and I really loved (almost) anything I read. It really got me motivated to get a grip on my live and really find my way. And it started really neat. I managed to get up early, do a (tiny tiny) bit of physical training, but more than anything in the last 33 years... So I thought I was on a good way. But since a few weeks I’m totally stuck. And it is rather obvious that my major problem is that I just don’t know what to do with my life. So, I will give you some personal details about me:

I’m 33 years old right now, but seldom feeling like it. Often I think that I still haven’t “grown up” as Steve mentioned in his first podcast. I wish I could at least “grow up”... But I have a very hard time making decisions or accepting responsibility. And it was this way as long as I can remember. If it wasn’t for my beloved wife (the best thing that happened to me in this life) I guess I would wander this world without any goals or responsibility. She gives me some strength and I’m thankfull for it, but this can’t be all.

I see I’m getting a bit off track, so back to me. I’m a rather inpassionate person. I never had many friends (if any), be it at school or later. I always was an outsider, but a selfmade one I think. I started very early playing computer and video games and spending lots and lots of time alone with them. For what was first (being alone and therefore seeking fun in games, or playing to much games and therefore being a loner) I cannot say. It’s the old chicken and egg problem I think, but does it matter? So, now I have a wife and life is better for sure. But I know that deep inside I’m still the same. If I’m home alone I spend the most time on the computer because I don’t know what to do with myself. And now we both have no real friends. Luckily, we have a good and deep relation (more than 12 years now) so we’re happy being alone. But of course it’s not as it should be.

And not being very passionate is a problem that I have in almost all aspects of live. And therefore I really have a hard time finding my purpose or what I really would enjoy in live. Right now I’m working in a job I rather hate (but it is so secure that my comfort zone is really happy) and I would love to quit or at least start on something other in the free time. But I just can’t find anything I am really passionate about. The one thing that I really like to spend time are games. So is that just me escaping reality or is this really my passion and I should try to make my way reviewing games or even try the big step to independent game developing (a daunting task for a 33 year old with no programming skills). But that’s the only thing i really can dream about. But it’s such a big goal...to big for my comfort zone I fear. And so she’s whispering in my ear all the time...”you won’t make it”, “this is not your real goal in live, think about all the time you wasted with these games”...etc etc.

So, to come to a point...I’m really stuck with my development right now and my motivation is nearly depleted. I’m feeling like I’m suffering not a “low-motivation-day” but a “low-motivation-life”...But I dont want to go on like this.

Honestly, I don’t know what I expect from posting this...perhaps its just some “journaling for the public”...

[Fusebox]

Journaling is a start. Identifying that a problem exists and you want to improve/solve it is an even better start.

My advice, (Im no expert/professional) Do not dwell on what has past. Focus on your present and what the present should be. Believe you are good. Better than you think you are. Believe that good things will come to you in the next week, months, years through effort, persistence and positive emotion. Believe that you will work at it and succeed.

I recently finished reading Napoleon Hills book "Think and Grow Rich" and in it he says if you want to be successfull in whatever it is you want to be, you must imagine yourself in that state every day, at least once when you wake up and once before going to bed.

[carl]

Originally Posted by David73

So is that just me escaping reality or is this really my passion and I should try to make my way reviewing games or even try the big step to independent game developing (a daunting task for a 33 year old with no programming skills). But that’s the only thing i really can dream about. But it’s such a big goal...to big for my comfort zone I fear. And so she’s whispering in my ear all the time...”you won’t make it”, “this is not your real goal in live, think about all the time you wasted with these games”...etc etc.

The best antidote I've found for indecision is action. Start a blog that reviews the games you've loved over the years. Offer your services to a game review site (with a portfolio of reviews you've written). Spend some time learning to make tic-tac-toe. Design a brand new game you'd love to play. In the worst case you will have spent a few hours learning about and promoting something you're passionate about, and in the best case you'll have found a new opportunity for personal fullfillment.

[Love]

Hi David!

To me, it seems like what you want is a way to determine what your passion is and then a way to act on it. I once got a book called something like, "I'll do anything... if I only knew what it was," by Barbara Sher. It's supposed to help you figure out what you want to do. Another thing to do is to intend an answer to this question. I myself am asking a similar question, and that's how I'm trying to go about it.
Good luck, David!

[ZenDude]

Hi,

I have some questions for you.

1 What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
2 If you had all the money you ever needed, what would you do for the rest of your life?
3 Imagine living the rest of your life the way you have lived it up until now? How does that make you feel? Does this motivate you to try something else?
4 Do you know that "it's all going to work out" whatever you do?

Good luck.

[David73]

Thanks for the feedback. I had a rather bad day yesterday, feeling a little depressed and so on. But it’s a little bit better today so I wanted to thank you.

To show you that I really appreaciate your answer I will try to give you some feedback to.

to Fusebox:

Yes, I’m aware that negative thinking is an of my greater problems. I was always someone dwelling to much on problems or errors made in the past. One source for my depression yesterday was seeing an old yearbook from school (which I left without anything I could be proud of. And seeing all the opportunities I wasted in this time really made me sick. I was lazy and dishonest in school and a absolute loner. And these times still haunt me after nearly 15 years and get me down. It’s a deeply implanted feeling of failure. But again I dwell on it, so I rather stop here.

The real problem is, there is almost nothing I really could be proud off, so there’s no boosting myself up with looking back. I have a hard time finding things about me that I like...Ok, I’m a rather nice and friendly guy. But, of course, there is a problem with this.

First: I admit that I don’t really care about other people very often...I am a very self-centered person...on the other side, I’m totally addicted to get positive feedback from others. I want to be liked by anyone, seeking harmony and crazy for respect from others. So, is my nice behaviour just a tool to get my feedback from others? That would make it a tool for my self-centered desires, and therefore not something to feel good about.

Second: Even if the term “nice guys finish last” is overhyped for sure, there’s some truth in it for sure. And as my life is very empty of passion along with being a nice “no-conflict” guy, I see myself as extremly boring.

So I have a real problem getting a good start in positive thinking....Just writing this post is perhaps a bad idea, cause it gets me to think about what I don’t like about me instead about what I like...But I’m running in circles I guess, so I better go on...

To carl:

Thanks for your advice. I know, motivation follows action...I know it on an intellectual level, but I’m having a hard time getting into the action. I guess I should just get a grip and get started. But that ain’t easy, because I’m a huge procrastinator. I have read nearly all of Steve articles, but don’t ask me about the actions I have taken on them. And as Steve says: “to know and not to act on it is not to know”...

To Love & ZenDude:

Again thanks to you...I know the ways and the usual questions as mentioned by ZenDude...The problem with question no. 1 is: I just don’t know what I would do...except from securing world peace of course...

Same for no. 2....I guess I’m a bit of a slacker...I guess if I had the money I would just go on wasting my life...And of course that wouldn’t make me happy in the end. But I just can’t get a grip on what I really want. I read some books, trying to find my “personal genius”...but all the stories about persons finding their unique genius just depressed me, because I couldn’t think of anything.

[Alvin]

Hi David73,

Best part of your posts is that you already know where you need to make changes and you want to make them

There's a certain strength in being able to look at the ugly parts of yourself full-on and admit them in utter clarity, which is a different thing entirely from dwelling on them too much, so give yourself some points to that.

It seems obvious to everyone else here that you love games, and if you're waiting for someone here to validate that passion for you by pointing it out...nyah nyah

You might be feeling like you won't succeed it at, and I'm not going to get your hopes up by guaranteeing you magical success...even Guy Kawasaki told the CEO of Yahoo! it wasn't a viable business when they started (Guy has since called his 'bozo moment' the one that cost him roughly 2 billion dollars - whew!).

But since you'll never know if you're going to succeed or not unless...well, you succeed or not, I guess you have nothing to lose except what you've got now right? It might even be worth it to lose those excuses of yours, wouldn't it?

The beautiful thing about the internet age is that you can start your own blog site nowadays for next to nothing. If you feel like writing a game review, write a game review! Whether it sucks the first time, the second time, or gets better with the third or fourth time, or doesn't at all, no-one need ever know unless you want them to.

Well, your comfort zone would, but we're not talking to her are we?

Lest I appear too flippant, I'd give you props: for someone who 'doesn't really care much for others', and 'never made any friends', you've kept a long-term relationship with your wife of (more than) 12 years.

I've been called everything from 'compassionate', 'great coach', 'caring', 'loving' and I still have problems with my fledging 9 month relationship...whew! I don't know how you long-timers do it but much respect

[fourthdan]

I agree with Alvin. there are probably achievements you have that you can be proud of that you haven't recognised or cherished. They don't have to mean much to the world. For me, my greatest achievement to date is still completing my bachelors. Because it tested me to the hilt of how I can get out of the worst scenarios (even if I screwed up and created said scenarios )

You should reflect on your life, maybe make a timeline, and list your achievements and the strong points in your personality that helped you make it through. It's a real morale boosting excercise. Ask your wife - she's probably been a witness to most of the things you're looking for.

[Ollie]

David, as a former (and occasionally reoccurring) computer game junkie, my advice is to take a break from computer games. Personally I've found that when I'm heavily into computer games, they are just about all that I think about--I want to play them, make them, etc. Granted, we might have different personality types, but I find that when I'm not using computer games as a crutch, I think all sorts of different types of thoughts, and in general become a more balanced and aware person.

I spent 10 years of my life working a 'safe' job and playing computer games. I know when I first started doing the PD thing, I felt really bad about my past, too, and felt that I had wasted 10 years of my life. Thinking about the past was very painful and full of regret. I'll tell you now it is possible to let go of those feelings, because I've done so.

I don't know how heavily you play computer games, but I'd suggest taking a break from them for a week. During that week, instead of playing games spend time reading, thinking and journaling. Personally I found just writing about my fears and regrets to be a big help. The more you know about your fears (and I had some pretty silly ones, like feeling anxious about going outside and walking down the street) the less power they have over you.

Dealing with regret is similar. You have to face it. Instead of trying to push painful thoughts out of your brain as quickly as possible, you have to face them and ACCEPT them--accept that they are part of you. I personally found that repeating "I love you and I forgive you" to myself while facing such regret and pain helped me make peace with myself. I found that once I made peace with myself and my past, I spent much more time in the present.

I hope my post is some help to you,
Ollie

[Cat Dancer]

Originally Posted by David73

Often I think that I still haven’t “grown up” as Steve mentioned in his first podcast. I wish I could at least “grow up”...

I recommend you take one of the weekend trainings (the "New Warrior Training Adventure") offered by the Mankind Project.

[Milo Riano]

You can start off by neglecting what you have not done and focus on what you can do and will do.

Cheers! Sorry for the quick and small reply. Time constraints as of the moment.

[dmauder]

Originally Posted by David73

The real problem is, there is almost nothing I really could be proud off, so there’s no boosting myself up with looking back. I have a hard time finding things about me that I like...Ok, I’m a rather nice and friendly guy. But, of course, there is a problem with this.

First: I admit that I don’t really care about other people very often...I am a very self-centered person...on the other side, I’m totally addicted to get positive feedback from others. I want to be liked by anyone, seeking harmony and crazy for respect from others. So, is my nice behaviour just a tool to get my feedback from others? That would make it a tool for my self-centered desires, and therefore not something to feel good about.

David73:

I have to know one thing... Are you a Gemini? I ask because you and I sound exactly alike and I battle with these feelings every day.

Max

[David73]

To Alvin:

Thanks for your very positive thoughts. About games being my passion and me waiting to get someone else to validate this for me....could be. I can’t say that I never acted this way. In fact it’s something I really do often and I hate it...Fishing for compliments, or talking myself down in front of others just to hear a “I’m sure youre not soo bad”...I know it’s extremly stupid thing to do. But I’ve done it for a long time now and it’s hard to let go... So, yes of course I would wish that someone comes and tells me what to do with my life. But I also know that this would be the wrong way and that I have to make these decisiony by myself. Problem is, I am very bad at making decision. I often feel like having no own opinion.

To Ollie:

A good idea (even if I do this from time to time already). Many years ago games really were an addiction for me. I got home from school, started the computer and then asked myself what to do...But I think it’s better now and games are just my dominant hobby. Right now I’m even to demotivated to play games. I have a few great games right now, but even for this...my greatest passion I can think of...I can’t find the energy. And of course there’s always the part of me talking in the back of my head “why start playing this game...it’s just a waste of time...you won’t achieve anything while playing it”. Problem is, I just can’t get myself to do something better. So I keep on surfing the net, playing casual games and kill my free time...

To Gemini4x:

As a fact I’m a leo...I never cared about it, as I seem to have not too much in commen with the typical leo...

[Vorhidin]

Originally Posted by Gemini4X

David73:

I have to know one thing... Are you a Gemini? I ask because you and I sound exactly alike and I battle with these feelings every day.

Max

Hum, I'm cancer and used to think exactly the same way as you and David73, everyday. Lately I decided that if I want to change, I must see myself like if I'm already the man I want to be... At least it seems to work by the moment.

[Minsc]

Originally Posted by David73

I should try to make my way reviewing games or even try the big step to independent game developing (a daunting task for a 33 year old with no programming skills).

You could work for a company or be part of an independent team as a designer, artist, sound guy, ect. It'd take several years to become good at programming(but the other ones aren't easy).

You could also be a tester or a producer if you're in production(the tester becomes a producer eventually).

Testers play games that are in development to find problems with them...
EDIT: And the sound guy is usually contracted instead of working at one company.

[Jan]

Originally Posted by Ollie

I spent 10 years of my life working a 'safe' job and playing computer games. I know when I first started doing the PD thing, I felt really bad about my past, too, and felt that I had wasted 10 years of my life. Thinking about the past was very painful and full of regret. I'll tell you now it is possible to let go of those feelings, because I've done so.

Ollie

This is interesting to me as I have also been feeling this way. Now that I am aware of PD I realize how MUCH I could have accomplished in the past and I don't understand WHAT I was thinking spending so many years in a safe job, not progressing (also about 10 yrs before PD)! Now that I am into PD and want to accomplish so much I have two young children and I am unable to push myself to the degree to which I know I am capable of. However I am still working on my goals...just not as fast as I would like. I already wrote about this before and had many sensible replies and I realize it does not help at all to question the past. Still, I can relate! I am now mid-thirties boo hoo!

Jan

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by David73

To Alvin:

Thanks for your very positive thoughts. About games being my passion and me waiting to get someone else to validate this for me....could be. I can’t say that I never acted this way. In fact it’s something I really do often and I hate it...Fishing for compliments, or talking myself down in front of others just to hear a “I’m sure youre not soo bad”...I know it’s extremly stupid thing to do. But I’ve done it for a long time now and it’s hard to let go... So, yes of course I would wish that someone comes and tells me what to do with my life. But I also know that this would be the wrong way and that I have to make these decisiony by myself. Problem is, I am very bad at making decision. I often feel like having no own opinion.

Aw David, you're not that bad everyone loves a good compliment, I go fishing too.

Did anyone tell you what to eat for lunch today? Tell you what your favorite game of the year was? Order you to marry your wife? Command you to write in these forums?

It wasn't that hard to make decisions you like, was it?

Come now, David, I'm sure you'd like to get something out of this too. You haven't answered us; what is it you'd like to do, be and have out of your life instead?

P.S. Thanks for forming such a favorable opinion of me

[RedPanda]

Originally Posted by Jan

This is interesting to me as I have also been feeling this way. Now that I am aware of PD I realize how MUCH I could have accomplished in the past and I don't understand WHAT I was thinking spending so many years in a safe job, not progressing (also about 10 yrs before PD)! Now that I am into PD and want to accomplish so much I have two young children and I am unable to push myself to the degree to which I know I am capable of. However I am still working on my goals...just not as fast as I would like. I already wrote about this before and had many sensible replies and I realize it does not help at all to question the past. Still, I can relate! I am now mid-thirties boo hoo!

Jan

There are so many of us we should start a weekly 'Mid-life crisis check-in' thread.

(Actually, that's only half tongue-in-cheek )

[geekchic9]

Originally Posted by RedPanda

There are so many of us we should start a weekly 'Mid-life crisis check-in' thread.

And for the rest of us, there's a Quarter-life crisis.

[David73]

To Minsc (love that name by the way):

Thanks for the tips. In the past I already tried working in a small hobby game-developer crew, but, as so often, the team collapsed after a few weeks. As a matter of fact, I already had a not so bad community-website running, aimed at newbies at game-development. We tried to get people together, help and learn from each other. It wasn’t a bad time, but after some time we had to learn the hard way that there are too many wanna-be’s around, and the people with experience weren’t so keen on helping newbies and always answering the same question. So sadly, the project died after a few months. Perhaps the most interesting thing about this experience was, that I got people to like the idea, create a web-design, code a simple content-management-system and add content to it. So I just created the concept and found people who did the dirty work for me But to think positive: I succeeded in inspiring them, motivate them for my ideas. So we had a good time and I didn’t feel bad about it. But of course, I took the death of the project to personally…

I think I will try to get my two interests (writing and games) together and start writing down some game ideas and story backgrounds. I must admit that I never did that much writing, but I always felt that perhaps I have a little bit of talent in me. My main problem is that I keep telling me how uncreative I am. Heck, I always have a hard time finding a character name when playing games….

So I will try to do some regular writing every day…just to get going and get some experience.

Perhaps I will try to get into some Beta Tests as well, to hone my “game-analysis” skills…


To Jan:

Yes, I realise that I dwell on past errors way too much. Of course it’s important to analyse them, but I keep dragging myself down and that’s counterproductive. And as I got into PD I just did the same error again and thought: I’ve I started with PD sooner I would lead a better life by now, perhaps it’s too late now and I will never be able to make the same advances I could have made if I started PD 20 years ago….and so on. A very stupid thing to do, I know…


To Alvin:

As a matter of fact, most times I ask my wife what she wants to eat I really have problems with these every-day decisions. Most times I just don’t seem to care enough. Or I don’t have an idea and keep on asking my wife for ideas…It’s really annoying (for her too) I must admit.

About my favourite games…Of course you’re partly right. But I am also very easily influenced by reviews and other peoples opinion. I’m not saying that I stop playing a game I really like when reading a bad review, but it sure has some influence on my motivation playing this game. Often when I have a new game I wanted for a long time, I keep on reading good reviews all the time to get me “worked up” for this game. Of course this is big problem when trying to write reviews by myself. Thinking that you don’t have an opinion of your own is not the best start for a game tester…

Regarding my wife….of course it wasn’t a shotgun wedding I really love her and we have a happy marriage. But there were also times when I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision (nothing so special about this I think). The problem is that I had a late-start with girls and married my first girl-friend (which I met with 20!). Yes, I probably had my first real kiss with about 18/19 and found my love with 20 (so that makes two girls in an entire life). I don’t have a big problem with it, but of course it gets you wondering some times if you really made the right decision…

So, in fact, even decisions where I liked the results weren’t easy for me to make.

And I like to tell you that of course I’m getting something out of this. But to answer your question about what I like to be, I think I will need a bit more journaling. Right now I just could answer with a few phrases which are not detailed enough. Like make a living with a job I love and feel passionate about, doh…Getting some respect, get more discipline and like myself, and so on. Trying to do my part making this world a better place. Hmm, that makes me remember that we have a free-hug day in a few weeks in germany. Gets a smile in my face and a tear in my eye every time I see it.

[fourthdan]

If you're having a problem with creativity I strongly suggest books by Edward de Bono.

He's refined creativity and productive thinking down to a methodology.

[Cassie]

Aww, David. I don't know why you say you're boring. I find your posts very insightful, interesting, and even entertaining. One thing I have noticed is your negative thought pattern. After every nice comment you make, you immediately follow it up with a negative one. Perhaps a good starting point is recognizing this pattern and working to rectify it. Every time you catch yourself making a negative comment, write it down and turn it around.

* "I can't" to "I can, and this is how..."

* "It's too hard" to "It's difficult, but I can, and here are my small baby step progressions to ..."

* "I won't" to "I can, and I will"

* "I'm boring" to "I'm damn entertaining! and an excellent writer. I have a lot to contribute and now is the time for me to discover my possibilities"

I also used to be a former gaming junkie. Three or four years of my life fell off the planet when I became involved in beta testing new MMORPG's before they hit the market. Ultima Online, Everquest, Asheron's Call, Dark Age of Camelot, Lineage II, World of Warcraft ...

But those games are *addictive*. There was a time I was playing 18 hours a day and getting lost in a complete fantasy world. I have given up all gaming because, for me, it's just not worth the risk in my life. My gaming has been replaced with new hobbies including yoga, running, writing creatively, volunteer and environmental work, completing my uni degree, traveling (was in Europe for many years), and learning strong financial management.

I used to be listless, depressed, and lonely. I felt my life was going nowhere. I made changes one baby step at a time and now I feel wonderfully blessed with how rich my life has become. Please keep us updated on how you're doing.

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by David73

A very stupid thing to do, I know…

Hey David, the only thing stupider than stupid is not to know when stupid is stupid. Erm, yea...I think

Originally Posted by David73

To Alvin:

About my favourite games…Of course you’re partly right. But I am also very easily influenced by reviews and other peoples opinion. I’m not saying that I stop playing a game I really like when reading a bad review, but it sure has some influence on my motivation playing this game. Often when I have a new game I wanted for a long time, I keep on reading good reviews all the time to get me “worked up” for this game. Of course this is big problem when trying to write reviews by myself. Thinking that you don’t have an opinion of your own is not the best start for a game tester…

Hey! I do that too, I love reading reviews. I thought it was ok

Originally Posted by David73

Regarding my wife….of course it wasn’t a shotgun wedding I really love her and we have a happy marriage. But there were also times when I wasn’t sure if I made the right decision (nothing so special about this I think). The problem is that I had a late-start with girls and married my first girl-friend (which I met with 20!). Yes, I probably had my first real kiss with about 18/19 and found my love with 20 (so that makes two girls in an entire life). I don’t have a big problem with it, but of course it gets you wondering some times if you really made the right decision…

Some girls would say that's romantic

Originally Posted by David73

So, in fact, even decisions where I liked the results weren’t easy for me to make.

At least you're making them...

Originally Posted by David73

And I like to tell you that of course I’m getting something out of this. But to answer your question about what I like to be, I think I will need a bit more journaling. Right now I just could answer with a few phrases which are not detailed enough. Like make a living with a job I love and feel passionate about, doh…Getting some respect, get more discipline and like myself, and so on. Trying to do my part making this world a better place. Hmm, that makes me remember that we have a free-hug day in a few weeks in germany. Gets a smile in my face and a tear in my eye every time I see it.

David, I think you just gave yourself the best advice. I wish I could tell you that you could change your life overnight, but I wouldn't think you could be sold

Give yourself some time and leeway, my friend. Thinking about what you want more is a step in the right direction, keep walking. I found this article very inspiration, and perhaps you will too.

The Simplest Path to Success - lifehack.org

And a greater mind than mine once said; "There is nothing in a caterpillar that tells you it's going to be a butterfly." - Buckminster Fuller

[mej023]

I found this blog entry that pertains to your quest.

How to Decide What You Want (dirtSimple.org)

[David73]

To Cassie:

I thank you very much for your nice and inspiring reply. Of course I know of my negative thought patterns…at least on a level of logical thinking. But I think they’re implemented very deeply in me and so it’s hard to let them go. But I will try the way you suggested, even if I may feel stupid in the beginning.. But I am aware that this is one of my main problems. It used to be a lot worse, so there’s at least a little progress already made. In my youth (writing it down like that makes me feel terrible old) I was actively seeking the negative. It was as if I liked being depressed. As an example..on a class trip I separated myself from the class to wander the streets of a foreign town alone while listening to depressing music on my walkman…How lame is that?! So, even if I do not know if a full turn-around is possible, I will try (with babysteps) to find a more positive view.

Once more, many thanks for your inspiring words and I will keep you informed on my progress or not progress (see, there’s the negative thinking again).

To Alvin:

Originally Posted by Alvin

Hey David, the only thing stupider than stupid is not to know when stupid is stupid. Erm, yea...I think

As a great (fictional) man once said : “Stupid is as stupid does”

And thanks for the link…

To mej023

Wow, I really liked this blog and it got me thinking. I know that one (one more) of my problems finding my passion is, that somewhere deep down inside me I cling onto the false belief that if I find my passion than all action towards it will be easy and fun for me. Of course this is stupid. But this blog entry gave me a new perspective:

“You see, it is not the purpose of life to provide us with meaning. Rather, it is our purpose to supply the meaning to life, by our actions. And what we choose is our meaning. In every moment that we live, we decide what the meaning is. There is no "right" meaning. There is no "wrong" meaning. Whatever we devote ourselves to, becomes our devotion. What matters is what we care for -- actively, not passively.”

So, what I put my (positive) energy into will therefore be my passion. So I shouldn’t wait for the “idea” of my passion, but actively follow a goal and make it my passion. Of course, this is way easier said than done, but I think I should give it a try…

[Ollie]

Originally Posted by David73

As an example..on a class trip I separated myself from the class to wander the streets of a foreign town alone while listening to depressing music on my walkman…How lame is that?!

David, that reminds me of the time when I was at Disney World with a church group and I asked if I could wander around alone and then did so. Yeah, that was an odd thing.

[pathfinder]

need to rewrite it. Sorry.

[Falconheart]

I've had some of the problems you've described and am in fact still battling some of them. I have had some recent breakthroughs however and if I may, I'll share with you what I've learned.
One of the underlying issues here, with the gaming, the compliment fishing, the negative reinforcement of your attributes, depression, lack of motivation, and even lack of decision making and procrastination is Pride. Lack thereof I should say. Depending on who you ask, pride will be good/bad/neutral but regardless it is a crucial part of our existence. As males, we have large, fragile egos that we don't like to admit exist. But they do. If we aren't proud of our past, we have a hard time facing the future due to our feelings of futility. "Well it didn't work before... Why should it work now?" That kind of thing. I think the core issue here is that you need to be proud of yourself. You didn't get your wife by chance, nor a good job. You may not like it, but job security is something a lot of people don't have. Needless to say, a good marriage is something even more people don't have. Look at your successes in life, let yourself be proud of what you HAVE done and it will help you to find the strength to take another step toward what you'd like to do. When we lack pride in what we have done, we lack the desire to do more, because it feels futile. You must acknowledge your accomplishments and equally importantly the REWARDS for those accomplishments, and you will find the strength to move forward. Games entertained you, and me, for the same purpose - you can save the world/rescue the princess/whatever. You're a hero or at the very least, someone powerful and in control. There is no reason you can't be that in life, except if you choose not to be. Your life is controlled by your own choice. What you need to realize is the choices of the past have paid off. Acknowledge what you do have, how much of it was earned, and you will have a better perspective on moving forward. There is no such thing as motivation - its an illusion. We do what we choose to do. What guides that choice, is also a choice. Choose to guide your future choices by your successful past ones, and you will inevitably succeed again.
Take care & God bless
--Michael

[elai]

One interesting little mind hack I found for that "deeply ingranged negative thought pattern" of yours:

How to Be Happy. Always. » Tynan is… Better Than Your Boyfriend

I also found accepting my gaming habits and not calling my computer usage wasting time on the computer, but rather my choice to use the computer with no sort of "judgements" or "shaming" of my computer usage and such actually helped in my own self regulation and removed my anxiety from my usage. It's one of those seemingly self contradictory kind of principles but it isn't once you experience it and understand on a more deeper level.

Also realize that your perceptions and assumptions can really twist things around. I remember reading religious books several years ago and interpreting it in a judgmental Christian style and then years later reading it with a more wise and balanced mind and seeing that it was quite different.

Also you do accept your own masculinity? Your self described indecisiveness somewhat points to a rejection of it.