"Emotional discipline", or how to train for emotional strength?

[ShunterAlhena]

Hello everybody,

This post is not about self-discipline in the sense of "I must learn" or "I must get up early". I read Steve's corresponding articles and they work out; my progress is slow, but noticeable.
My problem is self-discipline in the sense of (for example) having a girl first proclaim that she finds me attractive; then, later, rescinding this statement; and I then must remain disciplined enough not to get angry at the world, not to begin thrashing around or plunge into depression, but remain civilized, say "it's all right" and go looking for somebody else. I think you get what I mean.

Background:
So far life has been very graceful to me, I'm at the university, taking study obstacles in a timely manner, while working at a large company for a relatively good pay; I also have a few trusted "hard-core" friends and a (for me) large enough group of associates, girlies and pals. I was born into a loving family, although my parents are very busy, they spent a lot of time with me in early years. 3 siblings. I've been doing karate for 3,5 years. Overall I consider myself truly blessed by fate and I feel a bit ashamed for whining to you when there are people in so much worse conditions than I am. This very lack of emotional strength is the reason of my post.

For emotional support I lean heavily onto my (officially recognized ) soul mate (she's a girl, 19 - I'm male, 19) with whom I share basically everything; and I try to maintain a generally positive attitude. However, I wasn't really social until the age of 14-15, so issues with friends and girls (losing them - getting hurt - misunderstandings etc.) upset me disproportionally and I consider this a great weakness.

So, finally, here's the original question - how to "train" for disappointments, the stress of waiting for a "mission critical" SMS or email to arrive, or to bear being said "it's over" and retain calm, all in the context of interpersonal relationships with peers?

Thanks for reading.

[Angela]

I think it's like being on a roller coaster. If you tense up all your muscles in fear of what you might experience (death!), you'll get all sore and bruised up and it won't be very much fun.

And if you relax and enjoy the ride, being present to each moment along the track, throw your arms up in the air and holler real loud, you're as alive as a life can be.

[fernando]

Shunter, hey.

My background isn't exactly like yours, but the very same question (and more related) apply to me as well. I find myself quite weak in terms of emotional strength. Specially in love/affectionate-like subjects I'm really unstable. Even more so considering that I haven't achieved success in those area, makes those misunderstandings, disappointments and such really painful.

So I'm right there with you in the search for the emotional strength.

@Angela. I get your analogy and I have heard similar ones before. Now, I'm sure you understand how natural these feelings and thoughts come to us, how quickly they make it to our minds. So my question remains: how do you undo this and how do you reteach yourself not to tense up our muscles so naturally?

For now what I seem to accomplish are micro-states of wellness in terms of controlling these kind of thoughts. What I'm trying to say is that sometimes I manage to be off some thoughts about certain critical subjects, but I usually end up in the wrong track again after a few hours. So far I haven't been able to sustain that progress for periods that can actually solve the issue.

Anyway, my ultimate question would be, and I think is still in regards to emotional strength, what's the best approach to stop being so extremely mental?

Thanks for reading as well.

[rene_stpierre]

I try to focus on and worry about what I control, what I can do something about. As for the rest, I leave it up to the universe to handle.

When something bad happens, something I did not control, I try to see it as a learning experience and ask myself ... "what can I learn from this?".

I have also developped an "attitude of gratitude". It really helped me realise how fortunate I am to have the life I have. So, when times are tough, this helps me get through it, knowing things will get better.

Good Luck!
René

[Angela]

Originally Posted by fernando

... how do you undo this and how do you reteach yourself not to tense up our muscles so naturally?

I think it makes more sense to focus on being flexible, supple, accepting, and present in the moment, rather than focusing on not tensing up our muscles. Because of course by thinking about not tensing up, you're thinking about tensing up. It's like the old "don't think of a zebra for the next 10 seconds" thing. In the same way, it doesn't work for a life I love to focus on how to prepare for disappointment, stress, or abandonment because that would be, in effect, creating disappointment, stress, and abandonment in my moment.

Generating what inspires you -- flexibility, suppleness, acceptance, presence, or whatever it is for you -- I think that is a really good way of "training" for life.