Get over love or keep positive vibration?

[fernando]

Hi Everyone! I'm new to this community, I introduced myself as suggested in the General & Introductions area, so now I'd like to go straight to what's been bothering me lately.

Note: What follows in green is some background information about myself that relates to my entry. The actual issue starts in with the black color again.

Oh, but before I do, just for those who didn't reay my introduction, know that I've been "working" with the Law Of Attraction concepts and ways of thinking for about a year. I've read a lot and try to use all of these technics to deal with everything in my Life. However, I often seem to find myself unsure about how to proceed or what way of thinking I should apply for each case. And for this particular matter, such is the case.

I'm in love, plain and simple. Usually this is good news, but to me is not. The Woman I'm in love with doesn't reciprocate that love, at least not in the same way.

To add some background, let me tell you that for most of my adolescence, my relationships in general were very limited. I was quite shy and very insecure, which made building new ones really hard, specially with Women. That's why through all that time my friends were all males.

At the same time, my only relationships with Women happened online. Good or bad as this may sound, they were all great, but had distances in between.

Years went by, and last year, not finding a way to relate to Women, in anyway, started to be a huge issue for me because I really felt like I needed. Fortunately, through 2006 and 2007, I learned and experienced a lot of things, which lead to, as surprisingly as it may sound, having most of my friends being Women.

And here's where my current problem begins.

In October of 2006, for the first time in my life, I managed to become friends, really good friends, with a Woman my age in the Real world, not the Virtual world. From that time until today, the relationship with this Woman is one of my biggest achievements of my life. That's what it is. Anyway, after about 3-4 months of getting to know this person and just experiencing things together, I finally realized and accepted that I was in love with her.

However, as I knew she didn't feel the same way and it'd be a shock for her, I chose not to tell her. Another 3-4 months went by, kept living lots of moments together, goods and bads, and our relationship grew even more special.

Eventually, she found out about how I felt and it was as shocking as I thought it'd be for her. In the following weeks we had some very awkward and painful moments. However, being the good friends that we are, we passed that and managed to be almost as normal as we were before she knew how I felt.

The thing is, despite all being good, I never stopped being in love with her. And what happened next is what brings me here, and what is the highest peak of my doubtful thoughts.

Two weeks ago I left my mother country, and moved to Spain. The move is/was about just growing as a person, getting another perspective of life, so it didn't have anything to do with her directly. However, being a good chance to be away from her, I thought, and still think, that this might be a good time to get over her. Or is it not?

A month before I left and up to now, all she's been talking about is how much she misses me, how things are gonna be with me gone, how much she loves me and what not. And I know, that seems to be some friend/sister kind of love, but still, knowing how much we complement each other, how much we understand each other, I can't seem to let go the idea that someday she will fall in love with me as well.

So, my ultimate question is: what should I do? Should I just work my hardest and try to move on? Or should I continue to believe and vibrate to my desire of getting a reciprocate feeling from her?

The feeling I'm getting is that if I move on, I might just "forget" about her, and our relationship might get washed up. The reason I think this is because I'm not entirely sure if one is likely to move on or give up love and then go back to a stage where nothing happens more that plain friendship. So I'm thinking that I either keep her (in hopes) or accept that the relationship we have might go away as we know it.

At the same time, the idea of continuing to believe and vibrate in pros of my desire makes me wonder if I'm not just wasting energies and giving myself fake hopes. Also, I came across this quote from the Abraham Hicks guys which sounds reasonable:

Whenever something that you think you want does not unfold, it is for one of two reasons: Either your habit of vibration, your belief, your dominant vibration that you are offering relative to the subject, doesn't match what you think your desire is, or, you and your desire are a perfect match, and this thing you think you want just doesn't match, and so the Universe doesn't deliver it.

So, according to this, which again, makes sense to me, my desire and vibration are a match, but what I want actually doesn't match and so the Universe does not deliver?

I'm really confused, really. I've got some awesome results so far in other aspects of my Life regarding my thinking. But when it comes to Love aspects, still being new and unexperienced, I really can handle it as well.

I hope I didn't make this too long, I just wanted to make it as detailed as possible, because all matter and sum up to the way I'm feeling now.

Thanks in advance to all.

[sadavis00]

Don't vibrate too much man.

Ask her out. If she says no, then stay friends, the attraction you have can be channeled towards friendship. (One of things about being friends with girls is that there is also some sexual tension, this just makes friendship all that more exiciting). If she is not available as a girlfriend, then stop thinking of her that way, and just enjoy her company if you still find it enjoyable, don't try to "work" her by faking friendship. If she is not available, then for all practical purposes, your probability of getting her is zero, your "working" her will not increase your probability a palpable amount, your work will be hopeless. But, you can still have her friendship, try to stay friends if she says no to a date. If you still find her friendship enjoyable, keep in touch with her, maybe at some point she might give you hint that a relationship is possible, but this should not be your motivation for staying friends, stay friends if this is her company is enjoyable for you.

[fernando]

Don't vibrate too much man.

haha! You made me laugh. That is so true, and it happens a lot, in many subject. I think I need to start doing meditation or something, anything to avoid thinking/vibrating way to much.

I liked how you put your advice. I had thought in similar ways before, but never as clear and straight forward as you did. It totally makes sense. However, controlling my thought is feeling is what I have trouble with.

I guess I need to work on that first, so I can solve this other issues as well.

Thanks for your advice!

[Tigerlilly]

My advice, call it quits and move on.

Reading what you wrote, the level of attachment you've displayed to the outcome, you'd go on believing you might be together with her some day, and you'll only hurt yourself and make her feel betrayed in the end.

I've been in a slightly similar situation some time ago, when after a decade of knowing each other as pals a friend of mine suddenly proposed that we might as well get together. I told him that I didn't feel the same way about him, and knowing myself I could tell him I never would, cause I simply don't fall in love with folk after ten years of knowing them.

He was so in love with his agenda though, he kept on arguing his case in a way that made me terribly angry and feeling betrayed, cause after a decade of being buddies I'd treated him like family really. My experience says that if one party harbors secret hopes of being together, that one'll probably find plenty of nourishment for those in a relationship the longer that one takes, and you'll just go on and take everything for a sign in the change of weather.

If she told you No, take it for an answer and if you can't accept being buddies, move on. Having secret agendas after already getting your answer in plain words is living a lie.

In the end the bitterness that arose between my friend and me due to his secret agenda meant the end of the friendship, cause I didn't want him around, having to watch my every move and step so as not to give him any hopes again. And though he was scornful and his bitterness shone through, he was yet too attached to move on. So I did.

Coming from that background when I see your post I feel like you as well are too attached to the idea of being with her. Even in the face of plain No you want to hang on simply cause you believe it might change, and you interpret all her actions accordingly. Right now, reading your post I don't see what it takes to continue an honest friendship, one that won't end in pain.

This girl isn't your life boat, your ticket to everlasting happiness and you aren't left without hope without her. Don't cling to her like that, no one likes to be considered a life boat and clung to by someone who's desparate. It's scary, and it's got nothing to do with love for the other person but just with satisfying your need for her.

Ask yourself honestly if you could live without ever being together with her, picture her happy with hubby and kids and ask yourself if you could live with that without feeling the least bit resentment and if you under those circumstances still wanted to be friends with her. Only if the answer is an honest yes, your friendship has a chance.

[fernando]

Hey Lilly, wow, you've just described quite the picture I've had in my minds for months.

Basically, the way you put it is how I've been thinking this might end up being like in the worst case scenario. I an really attached, and yeah, I too feel that knowing myself, I could totally go and with that secret agenda, as you call it, and I fear that'll only lead to even more pain.

However, the simple idea of completing moving on and getting her out of my life seems right now not only extremely painful, but also really hard, and most of all, unbelievably unfair.

That first time we talked about this, I remember her saying, in tears and pain, how unfair this was, for the both of us. And at this point, even though I could try to think about myself only and just try the hardest to forget about all this, I found it even more unfair that it has been so far.

As I mentioned in my original entry, I know how much she cares about me and how important I am for her, and really I couldn't do that to her, not after everything we've lived, and specially everything SHE's lived.

What I'm trying to say is, I need to get to a middle ground point where I've moved on but still can be around, for her and well, for me too, of course.

Now, if I had to answer to your question right now and be completely honest, I'd have to say no. Right now everything that even remotely hints that a relationship is not possible for us, makes me instantly feel awful, lost and a whole nasty mixture of feelings. However, and even being so like it is now, I still can picture, or at least would like to picture, myself being happy about her whoever she ends up with.

It all sums up in me moving on, I know. Either by removing her completely from my life (awful, just awful), or managing to still keep her close but no feel any resentment and bitterness.

What I'd like to know now if how I can do that. How can I still be around her, supporting her, and not feeling anything more, whatever feeling it is...

It's haunting how sometimes you know what you have to do, but you just can't figure out how. Even when you have chances on your side. If it wasn't clear in my first entry, I moved far away from where she is. She's in Argentina, and now I'm in Spain. And even though this move is not meant to be forever, at least for now, it still is probably the best scenario for me to move one...

Anyway, I feel that I'm gonna be writing forever here, I'll stop now, add something later if I feel I need to.

Thanks again, Lilly, your view is raw and cruel, hehe, but in the long run, probably the most sincere solution to this agony.

"What's worse than the total agony of love?" said the little blond boy in the movie "Love Actually". What a wise little kid.

[pumpkin]

Hello =)

My answer isn't as elaborate as those above, but here it goes:

My first instinct was to advise you to go to Spain. I still think that's the best thing to do in this situation (especially after reading Tigerlilly's post).

You said, "I might just "forget" about her, and our relationship might get washed up". But, if you are strong friends and willing, your friendship will flourish despite the distance.
The distance lets you get away from the situation and try to get over in an easier environment, if you'd like. And your friendship will remain if that's what you wish.