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[LifeFirst]

I think I realized it now. What my problem all along is. I have been sitting in front of my computer trying to get started on a homework that is due in 2 days. Whatever...I halfway done, but I just can't get started these last couple of hours. I am extremely discontent with my situation, I realized why it's taking me so long to get started on this assignment.

Because I realized to me there is no purpose in it. It's hard for me to do something when I don't understand everything behind it, and the incentives behind it. The thing is, for a long time, I have failed to understand me, and what my purpose is. I was always afraid to ask that big question because I always so damn worried about this assignment/ that test I never had time to sit down and question my actions.

Now, I have read Steve's blogs about how to find your purpose within 20 minutes or whatever. I remember doing that roughly a year ago, and maybe I came close to crying, but I can't remember what I wrote that caused me to cry.

And for the past few days, I have really been questioning my purpose in Life. I have been reading all the subjective and objective reality but I find it hard to understand any of that stuff. I just need some guidance as to how to go beyond this level.

A couple of nights ago, I was laying in bed and asking myself what my purpose was. I was saddened and confused why I couldn't come up with an answer, none of my responses seemed logical. But one anserseemed to intrude itself into my mind, and it was "to become God".

I have no idea what that means, but I felt a sense of overwhelming calm and power, it's like everything stopped at that moment, all of my thoughts stopped, and that one just took over. I would really like to know what that means.

Because I think for me to be happy and content, I have to know my goal on this Earth.

[nick pagan]

Personally, I don't buy into all that stuff about having some mission in life. It's a lovely ideal but if it's freaking you out trying to get to grips with it then I'd say give it up for a while.

I look at these things from the perspective that humans are still very much animals at the end of countless millions of years of an evolutionary track that has created a biological mechanism with exceptional capabilities of survival. Humans have evolved with a higher consciousness that can consider highly abstract concepts and that can imagine unlimited desires. However our brains are still attached to a biological mechanism with pretty much the sole purpose of surviving for as long as possible (and perhaps doing some reproduction along the way and to varying levels of care and commitment).

I think that the purpose of life is to fulfill our own personal desires and nothing more than that. To ensure this we must develop the competencies and resources that will allow us to fulfill any desire that we care to have. I favor setting desires that are relatively easy to fulfill relatively quickly and yet that can build upon past results so that little by little I develop more and more personal capability. I meander through life and yet because of this philosophy I get more done, have more capability, and lead a cheerful and more fulfilling life than the majority of people that I know.

Anything that I achieve comes about because of the steadfast capabilities that I have built and can rely upon. A great purpose is totally unwanted in my life. I'm just focused on fulfilling little goals and remaining cheerful each and every day. The funny thing is though, that as I develop a richness of capabilities I get the depth of resources needed to do exceptional things...


Here you can check out my take on life:
http://www.nickpagan.com/blog/wp-con...fectly-v10.pdf

I hope that it helps,
Nick