I think I`m suffering from depression

[kaizen]

Hi everybody,

I’m writing this post because I’ve come to a point where I really don’t know what to do anymore. In the last few weeks I had to admit to myself that my life is not even close to where I wanted it to be. Since I graduated high school (and even while still in school) I’ve felt no motivation to do anything at all. I’m in my third semester in college now (studying English and Musicology) and I just drag myself through the days. I have to force myself out of bed in the mornings, I don’t have any appetite to eat a good breakfast, I pay no attention at all to the lectures and when I come home in the evening the only thing I do is surfing the net. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of not being able to sleep at nights, and therefore being tired and unconcentrated during the days. What bothers me the most is that I actually KNOW what to do. Get my sleeping patterns in order, eat healthy, exercise regularly etc.. but my motivation is at a level where I don’t even WANT to do this anymore. At the moment the only thing I want to do is lock myself away in my room and sleep most of the time. Even going out partying does nothing for me. I really don`t care about anything or anyone anymore. The weird thing is that I have also had times (which lasted for about a few weeks) where I was highly motivated. I went to the gym three times a week, meditated, went running in the forest and felt great. But I`ve never been able to hold this motivation for a longer period of time and my ups were ALWAYS followed by downs that were even deeper then before. I just now accepted the fact that I might be suffering from depression since I really don’t get out of this rut on my own. I need several hours at night to fall asleep (even if I got up early and exercised the same day) and it`s been like this since YEARS. I`m going to see a doctor next Tuesday and see what he has to say. It just hurts to see how much time I already wasted because of this and I`m just frustrated and angry with myself. Well I guess there isn`t really anything you guys can do right now but I just needed to write this down. Of course any advice from someone who was in a similar situation and overcame it is highly appreciated and I thank you in advance for any answer.

Take Care,
Philipp

[Honeywith4bees]

Hi Phillip ~

Sounds like your right, you may be suffering from depression. I hope you get to that Doctor's appointment next week and see what they say. Do you have family nearby that could give you some love and support in the meantime?

[Sunnybayes]

I need several hours at night to fall asleep

Well, when I'm not able to fall asleep, I basically tell myself "so, I'm not going to fall asleep? Fine. I'm going to make this time productive then. I'm not giong to waste my time trying to sleep, I'm just going to stay awake with my eyes closed and solve this problem I'm working on" So then I use that time that I am not able to fall asleeping thinking about things productivly, like if I am working on some problem, like a homework problem, or figuring something interesing out... because it seems that forcing myself to sleep just makes it harder to fall asleep anyway. While I have my eyes closed I am activly thinking hard about the problem.


And the weird thing is, is that if I don't fight staying up, and just using that time to think about things in a productive manner, I usually end up wearing myself out and fall asleep faster, or even if i don't fall asleep until a couple of hours, I don't feel like I missed out on sleep, I actually feel rested fine, as if I had actually been sleeping during that time that I had my eyes closed and activity thinking about some problem. And plus that time is not wasted because you are thinking about something in a productive manner.

You also need spend about 10 hours to find out what you really want in life, so that you have some reason to change.

[kaizen]

Thanks you two for answering so fast!

@Honeywith4bees:

I'm definitely going to the doctor next week. As far as my family is concerned I don`t see whom I could talk to. I live together with my mother and sister, since my parents are divorced. I tried to tell my mom about the situation but she reacted pretty angry. Her response was something like "you have no reason to be upset, other people have problems that are much worse etc." I rarely see my father and he`s suffering from colon cancer so I don`t want to annoy him with my problems. The only one I can really talk to at the moment is a girl I`m having an affair with. She was also the one who suggested I should go and see a doctor or even consider therapy.

@Sunnybayes:

I can relate to what you`re saying. It seems like I can fall asleep everywhere anytime as long as I don`t think about it. The moment I make it my goal to fall asleep it won`t work. The problem is just that I AM tired at night. I just can`t fall asleep. So I can`t be too productive. Actually I`m tired and exhausted all the time. I`m really curious to what the doctor will say.

I`m going to keep you informed.

[Ak47]

I'm not doctor, but i'd say you're bipolar and you should seek treatment.

bipolars reach stages where they're euphoric and full of energy etc, but then drop to stages of depression. they bump up and down emotionally usually in segments a few weeks or a month long- bipolar disorder most commonly comes about around your age too, so it's quite likely.

either way, it's not your fault, so don't get mad at yourself- that's the last thing you should do. it only perpetuates the problem. humans aren't perfect, and most people experience depression sometime in their life.

the good news is, if you don't have major depression, and you aren't bipolar- chances are you'll never have another episode of depression throughout your entire life. if you have major depression it can be hard to tell, episodes sometimes only occur every few YEARS and during that time you'd have to be medicated the whole time since you don't know when it will strike...

if you're interested in meds i suggest you ask your doctor wellbutrin or zoloft- most of the others have negative sexual side-effects unfortunately (not being able to peak; Effexor for example) which doesn't help since the meds usually take weeks to kick in.

[Tigerlilly]

Hi Philipp,

I'm not a doc either, but I lived through pretty much what you're experiencing right now in the past more often than I could wish for. I went into major depression when I was about seventeen and had a breakdown when I was eighteen, and did see a doc then, who didn't prescribe me any drugs though. I felt better for a while, I guess mainly due to taking action, and since I still managed to get good results as far as grades went, I went studying, but these long periods of time when I was tired all the time stayed with me. I did what I had to do, but inside I was exhausted, with a foggy mind and not really knowing what I was doing, why I was doing it, and always waiting for those summer months where I could rest and then I'd need a few weeks still to feel a bit better, like I was getting in touch with myself, but before I knew it and much too soon the periods of rest would always be over and I'd be back in the grind. I was heavily addicted to daydreaming all the time, the one drug I'd always used, I could dream my days away, do nothing but lie there and daydream. It was the one thing I used to retain some inner emotional balance in a world that made no sense to me and where I felt helpless to do anything but to do and die.

And I did believe at times that it had to be something physical, cause though I was terribly unhappy at times, usually the ones where my mind was clear enough for me to realize that my life was nothing like the one I wanted to lead, at others my emotional state made no sense to me at all, and seemed not governed by my thoughts or experience, but to be like tides running through me. Like I could be incredibly happy about something one day, and I knew I'd be bound to feel miserable the next, as if I'd completely depleted some physical resource of mine. I felt good one day, and suddenly felt lousy the next two weeks to come with nothing happening outside to induce the weather change.

I've not been to a doc since all those years ago, but I've diagnosed myself with various mental disorders, the way you diagnose yourself with all sorts of emotional disorders once you start reading psychological books. In the end I find one is likely to jump on any solution presented regardless of its verification like grasping for a straw. I thought I had bipolar disorder myself for a while just a few months ago, but I read the symptoms on another site, and it wasn't really me after all. Also right now I don't believe the medical symptoms the ultimate answer anyhow, and the meds to be the solution. I simply don't believe that's the root of the experience, but that the real root from which the physical states stem lies deeper.

I don't know how much you believe in LoA or IM or how our emotions and state of being are indicators of our alignment with source, but I think there's some truth in that, though I don't know to what extent. But I do believe that depression comes not from some chemical imbalance in the body, but that the body shows the spiritual imbalance of the life experience and your soul. Meds might fix the symptoms, the red warning beacon that tells you you're off track and out of sync with who you really are, and that your energy level is really low. And they might help you to stay alive long enough to make the necessary changes, if you've ignored the warning beacon for too long, they might recharge your body for a while, but I don't believe swallowing a pill is the stand alone solution, meds alone don't make you change your life and fix the spiritual imbalance.

That's how I feel about it for my own person right now, but I am aware of the fact that a few people need meds their whole lives to be able to live a life worth living, and like with all things each one really has to decide for him or herself what applies to his own person, cause no one, not even a doc knows yourself as well as you do. And admittedly on a personal level I'm suspicious of AD meds at least, just as I'm suspicious of therapists for various reasons, and I have no way of knowing whether my thoughts and feelings are objectively valid, still they are to me. In the end you always need to do what feels in tune with yourself.

And finally I know how hard it is to look back and consider years of life presumably wasted, of not having acchieved what you wanted. I'm 32 and from the outside looking at my life, you'd say I was a pretty successful sort of person. From the inside a lot of times it feels I've acchieved far less than I could have, and wasted so many years away and that thought hurts. Forgiveness goes a long way for making your life easier if you can't bring yourself to believe that it was as it was meant to be. So when I can't believe that all was well and is well, and sometimes I lack that faith, I still know that I've been searching all the time, doing the best I was able to do being who I was at any given time. And that is exactly what you've been doing. So don't be hard on yourself, you probably wouldn't be lashing out like this at someone you love, so don't do it to yourself either. You're a seeker and you're gonna work things out in the end.

[Honeywith4bees]

Originally Posted by kaizen

Thanks you two for answering so fast!

@Honeywith4bees:

I'm definitely going to the doctor next week. As far as my family is concerned I don`t see whom I could talk to. I live together with my mother and sister, since my parents are divorced. I tried to tell my mom about the situation but she reacted pretty angry. Her response was something like "you have no reason to be upset, other people have problems that are much worse etc." I rarely see my father and he`s suffering from colon cancer so I don`t want to annoy him with my problems. The only one I can really talk to at the moment is a girl I`m having an affair with. She was also the one who suggested I should go and see a doctor or even consider therapy.

I'm glad to hear that you have someone in your life that you are close to that you can talk about this with. Maybe your Mom is afraid to hear that you may be depressed. It can be scary for us Mom's to think our kids are unhappy or hurting. Please keep us updated!

[ellie]

I don't see anything that he wrote would suggest that he has bipolar. He hasn't suggested at anytime that he high grandiose ideas or spends lots of money. It sounds like a bit of depression or anxiety. Not sleeping at night could be from anxiety.

[rrandolph]

I had the same problem a year ago with total lack of motivation. I stayed home, didnt go to parties when my friends called, got sick every other week. It was horrible. I went to doctors and health practitioners and they didnt help much. I realized there were many factors but I'll quickly give you the most powerful things that helped me overcome it.

Liver flush: Dr. Hulda's Liver cleanse gallbladder cleanse gallstones flush recipe
This single flush was the most powerful cleanse Ive ever done and it made me feel so much happier and healthier. But if your lifestyle doesnt change, you will slowly sink back to how it was before. I also went on to do the rest of the cleanses, parasite, bowel, kidney etc.

Using TAT and EFT to overcome many emotional issues, worries and fears. These are simple acupressure techniques that allow your body to clear its meridians and release trapped energy. You can read more about each on my blog:
EFT - How to Overcome Any Fear in Minutes with this Emotional Freedom Technique
TAT - Use the Tapas Acupressure Technique to Let Go of an Emotional Trauma
These are KEY. Do them daily until you feel emotionally free. It's a great feeling.

Open your Heart Chakra. A closed heart lowers your health, happiness, and overall energy. After I started opening my heart, I had the energy to go out, work, party and enjoyed every minute of it! It is so crucial to do this. This one is tougher but do some searches for heart chakra tuning fork meditations. If you have the money, this program that I used has a 35 minute heart chakra meditation and a 20 minute 7 chakras meditation: The Girlfriend Training Program - Sexual Polarity, improving relationships | ideaGasms

Do you have a computer or other electronic machines in your room or near your bed? If possible, move them to another room and keep them turned off while you sleep. These machines release positive ions which cause depression.

"scientists have found that if the air is charged with too few negative ions and too many positives, we become anxious, fatigued and tense. This condition is known as "pos-ion poisoning," and often occurs as the result of weather disturbances, central air conditioning, smog, and driving too long within the confines of an automobile. Pos-ion poisoning has, in fact, been linked to heart attacks, aggravated asthma, migraine headaches, insomnia, rheumatism, arthritis, hay fever, and most allergies."

"Negative ions are good for you! They bring oxygen to your brain, boost your immune system, and lift your mood. Studies show they even help lessen depression and cure Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)."

Buy a salt lamp to release negative ions. I just bought one and its so great I'm going to be recommending them on my blog:
Tabletop Zen Garden, Indoor Water Feature Fountain, Himalayan Rock Salt Lamps Wholesale

Hope that helps, let me know if you have any questions... there's a years worth of research for ya

[kaizen]

Thanks everybody for your detailed answers! It really cheers me up to see how helpful and friendly people are on this board. I don`t know any other forum where the members are so positive and supporting to each other.

@Tigerlilly:

I’m sorry to hear that your life has been controlled by depression for such a long time. I hope you`re doing alright now. Your day dreaming addiction sounds so familiar to me! This is something I do all the time because reality seems so boring and meaningless to me.
I also agree with you in the fact that depression is probably caused by something other than physical reasons. I`ve actually read a lot about IM and the LoA and even experienced some weird synchronisities (especially in acttracting girls for some reason) but as I said I never managed to stay positive in the long run or focus on long-term goals. Looking but it is “funny” to see that my ex-girlfriend was depressed, too (she even used to cut her arm bleeding). Like attracts like, I guess… I`m not sure yet if a want to take meds or not. If they would help me overcome this rut and get my life in order I guess it would be okay but I`m hoping to find the deeper reasons for my lack of motivation.

@rrandolph:

Thank you very much for all your practical tips! Talking about the LoA it is funny that you mentioned the girlfriend training program because I stumbled across this one only 1 or 2 weeks ago for the first time. If it’s worth its money I could imagine buying it after christmas. Stephane really seems to be a fascinating and wise person.

I do have some electric devises in my room. Already removed the television into the basement because I rarely used it anyway. Maybe placing the computer in another room is a good idea, too. But I can`t imaging living without a stereo in my room ^^

I`m also going to do some further reading on EFT, TAT and the liver flush you linked. I`m basically open to try out anything. A salt lamp has actually been placed beside my bed for some years now

[Rosie]

Sometimes medication is the best option. I suffered from severe depression for the majority of my life. I tried everything, and nothing worked. Eventually I went on mood stabilizing medication and I have never felt better. I've had virtually no depression for 2 years. Whenever I start feeling down, the medication kicks in and stabilizes my mood. I'm usually not sad or down for more than a few hours. I wouldn't suggest anti-depressants because they don't necessarily stabilize your mood as well as mood stabilizers. Anyways good luck And I hope that whatever happens, you end up happy in the end That's all that matters.

[rrandolph]

Woa, cool that you already have a salt lamp, cheer on that. Yeah stephane is pretty cool, I actually hung out with him last week when he visited LA. He is a real mellow, cool guy. I talk about him alot on my blog, so if you want more info, I wrote a review on the girlfriend training program here: Ideagasms Girlfriend Training Program Review & Testimonials

Rosie, its good to hear that medication worked for you. I would definitely caution against using it, since the chemicals are so harsh on your body. Also, depression is usually a sympton of some root cause, its your bodys message telling you to change something about your life. If you cover these signals up with medication, you may be ignoring the opportunity for tremendous personal growth.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by rrandolph

Rosie, its good to hear that medication worked for you. I would definitely caution against using it, since the chemicals are so harsh on your body. Also, depression is usually a sympton of some root cause, its your bodys message telling you to change something about your life. If you cover these signals up with medication, you may be ignoring the opportunity for tremendous personal growth.

As one who's lived with the black dog of depression snarling in the corner of my psyche, I can say with some confidence that without meds (specifically, Paxil) I would probably not be alive today.

What it did for me - and it may be different for you - was that it allowed me to think clearly which gave me the capacity to work on those underlying issues.

So yes, there's truth in your assertion that the root cause must be addressed. In my personal case, there was no way I could have addressed it in my muddled, depressed thinking. I needed the medication to clear my head before I could to the hard work of changing my thought patterns.

Hard on the body? Yes, somewhat. Death is harder.

[Rosie]

The depression that I experienced was passed down to me from family members who also suffered from the same symptoms. You can not control getting cancer, and unfortunately you can't always control depression either. Ideally, one would overcome depression by getting down to the root problem. However, some people have an imbalance of chemicals in the brain, and truly can't eliminate the depression on their own. Medication is not the only option, but it is certainly one worth considering.

[rrandolph]

That's good to hear how you ovecame the issues. I suppose as a step to recover medication it's a possible last resort. I hope and believe that in the coming years we have access to much more powerful treatments than medication though.

[Rosie]

I hope so too

[nick pagan]

Hi Philipp,

For immediate relief from depression check out this article:
Breaking the Spell of Depression

For long-term, non-medicated permanent relief from depression check out this whitepaper:
http://www.nickpagan.com/blog/wp-con...fectly-v10.pdf

What you'll find there is basically cognitive therapy taken a step further by understanding very thoroughly what causes severe negative emotions in the first place and how to eliminate them completely.

Let me know if you require further explanation on anything.

Take care,
Nick

[kaizen]

Hey guys,

also this is almost embarassing to say but I overslept the consultation-hour at the doctors today... So i`m going to see him tomorrow.

Thank you Nick for posting the articles, there is a lot of truth in the first one. Just recently I painted a little comic and it really made me feel better. The same goes for cleaning up my room or any other physical activity, like you say. The one thing that keeps me going at the moment is singing. I`ve been taking singing lessons for 3 months now and I´m motivated to get better at it. Beside from that I`m totally demotivated. This is also the first year where I really can`t stand all this christmas cheer. Normally I love Christmas...


I haven't read the second article yet but I will catch up on that soon.


Well hopefully I can tell you something new tomorrow

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by kaizen

Hi everybody,

I’m writing this post because I’ve come to a point where I really don’t know what to do anymore. In the last few weeks I had to admit to myself that my life is not even close to where I wanted it to be.

This could be the core of the depression right there.

Have you explored "where you want to be", and not just in a get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to the gym, feel happy type of way.

If your life is truely not what you wanted then you are badly off track and maybe depression is the correct response.

BTW - nice point about not being bipolar ellie.

Philipp, be careful of labels. If you're uncertain you might just want to use "life crisis" for the time being. It's appropriately dramatic, but psychiatrically meaningless :-)

[kaizen]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

This could be the core of the depression right there.

Have you explored "where you want to be", and not just in a get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to the gym, feel happy type of way.

If your life is truely not what you wanted then you are badly off track and maybe depression is the correct response.

BTW - nice point about not being bipolar ellie.

Philipp, be careful of labels. If you're uncertain you might just want to use "life crisis" for the time being. It's appropriately dramatic, but psychiatrically meaningless :-)

I get your point. Of course I can`t say wether this is an reactive depression or an actual illness. The thing that has confused me during the last weeks was that the physical effects (insomnia, lack of concentration ,exhaustion) got drastically worse from literally one day to the other. The thing is, I´ve already set goals that inspire me (the main one finishing a movie I started directing over a year ago.. I`ve also changed my major in college wich was motivating for me) but my permanent weariness and demotivation prevent me from achieving them. I`ve read tons of self-help books, blogs etc. and I`ve thought about where I want to be pretty hard and long. I just rarely do anything because I am so exhausted and apathetically all the time.

Anyway, I finally saw a doctor today. His assumption was depression, too.
He suggested therapy and gave me a referral to see a psychologist. He also prescribed me St. John`s Wort and suggested to eat more foods that contain serotonin.

I have a good feeling with this. I think it will help me to talk with someone and see if any restrained issues are holding me back.
My main goal right now is to overthink virtually all areas of my live because I really don´t want to live like this any longer. It really helps to have an "enemy" (depression or however you want to call it) to fight and see this as a challenge

[Honeywith4bees]

Glad to hear it went well. Out of curiosity, what foods did he recommend?

[kaizen]

He didn't recommend any food in particular, except fish. We didn`t have that much time because I came without an appointment. I guess I have to do some research on my own.

[DrMartinRussell]

Good to see you have found a path for hope.

All sounds good and I wish you well. Keep us informed. I'd be interested to know where you are in 6-12 months time.

Originally Posted by kaizen

It really helps to have an "enemy" (depression or however you want to call it) to fight and see this as a challenge

If depression is an emotion from a part of you then you are fighting yourself. Be careful of your metaphors.

Congratulations on your start.

[MartinS]

hello @ALL (first post )

and hello to kaizen (cool username!),

Being clinical depressed myself for 7 years now, I pretty much know what you are going through.

Well, I also think you're suffering from depression. And as it sounds to me, your "brain-chemicals" (=>serotonin) are not balanced. I really do not think that it can be cured without medication. Did you see a psychiatrist or just a general practitioner?

I just want to give you the advise to take massive action NOW. I wasted a good part of my life because I took too little action. Go to see a therapist. It's no shame. Try to find the reasons for your depression. You also have to have some goals for the future and a positive career outlook etc....

One practical advise is to do things that are good for you (like excercising...you said you actually know that these things are good for you). You have to do these things no matter how you feel. If you suffer from depression, even things you normally really like won't give you much pleasure. Do them anyway!

Take action!

That's it for now. All the best!

Martin

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by MartinS

hello @ALL (first post )

Great to have someone turn from looker to writer. Welcome!

Originally Posted by MartinS

Well, I also think you're suffering from depression. And as it sounds to me, your "brain-chemicals" (=>serotonin) are not balanced. I really do not think that it can be cured without medication.

However you then say - therapist and physical / behavioral actions.

Originally Posted by MartinS

Go to see a therapist. It's no shame. Try to find the reasons for your depression. You also have to have some goals for the future and a positive career outlook etc....

One practical advise is to do things that are good for you (like excercising...you said you actually know that these things are good for you). You have to do these things no matter how you feel. If you suffer from depression, even things you normally really like won't give you much pleasure. Do them anyway!

I'm still highly sceptical of the serotonin explanation. I remember the days when they were trying to explain depression by referring to cortisol fluctations. Medical science is still very poor in explaining psychiatry despite the plethora of jargon and impressive terminology.

[positivityhub]

The first step in overcoming depression is realizing that one is depressed. Many depressed people are afraid of these realization and continue to suffer.
Now that you know that you are depressed, try your best to lift yourself out of it. Make a plan. Think of the things that will make you will better. Go out and do it. Give it your very best.
I realize that this is easier said that done. If this does not work, go out and seek help. Talk to your family. Talk to your friends. Join a depression support group in your neighborhood. See a doctor if you must.
Most importantly, don't be harsh on yourself. It will take time to lift yourself out of depression. Don't get angry at yourself if you don't get immediate results. You will be surprised once you overcome depression, how much better you would know yourself.
My best wishes are with you,

[MartinS]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

Great to have someone turn from looker to writer. Welcome!

However you then say - therapist and physical / behavioral actions.

I'm still highly sceptical of the serotonin explanation. I remember the days when they were trying to explain depression by referring to cortisol fluctations. Medical science is still very poor in explaining psychiatry despite the plethora of jargon and impressive terminology.

Thank You!

Medication and/or a therapy alone won't bring you anywhere. Action is indispensable. I personally hate to take these pills every day but I experienced that I cannot live without them right now. Like I can't live a normal daily routine and I'm close to commiting suicide. Medication, on the other hand, could lift one up to a more positive state so that one has the neccessary energy to take the next step.

I just want to add that everything I say here comes from my peronal eyperience and is not meant to be generalized. The therapist I see on a regular basis needed a long time to convince me that my depression is at least partly because of a disorder in my brain. The good message is that he admits that you can influence this disorder with your actions and your thoughts. But for a clinical depressed person, this alone might have to little power in the beginning.

Martin

EDIT: I personally like this video:
YouTube - PEKOR HYPNOSIS... OVERCOMING DEPRESSION...

[DrMartinRussell]

Originally Posted by MartinS

Thank You!

Not clear on what you are thanking me for :-)

However I too recommend using both medication and non-pill stuff (exercise and therapy are both good proven starters.)

With things like depression I'm happy to throw everything at it and sort out what helped AFTER it's all better.

I'm not a pill-hating doctor. But I'm not a pill-lover either. In fact I've started a campaign on exactly this balance in regards to sleeping pills...

Self Help Blog › Self Help For Sleeping Pills - The Campaign

[MartinS]

Originally Posted by DrMartinRussell

Not clear on what you are thanking me for :-)

I just thanked you for the "Welcome"

[kaizen]

Hi everyone,

i don`t know if anybody remembers this thread or is still interested but i thought i`d update you on my situation now.
First of all I didn`t start a therapy last year.
After 2 meetings i decided that I didn`t really needed it and since i wasn`t on any medication I could propably kick start again on my own.
That wasnt the wisest choice i guess. I certainly did fine for a while but the depression slowly went back again.
During summer i got a job in a supermarket working from 7 am - 12 am and immediately got stuck in a circle of sleeping the whole afternoon and then of course being tired every morning.
But i still was pretty motivated to make some changes which i did.

I transferred to another college (in October 08) and now live in a new city where i have my own place.
During the last months the depression slowly sneaked back. At first i didnt even realize it but after a few weeks it reached a point even heavier then last year.
Anyway, after 2 weeks of basically doing nothing but lying in bed and staring at the wall not leaving my room except for buying foods it really hit me that i cant get out of this on my own.
It took me another 2 weeks until i made to a doctor. I´m now on an SSRI (Citalopram, 20 mg) and will start a therapy.. this time for real.

So that was my update. Now that im seeing clear again im pretty shocked myself how brutal the depression got me. But i`m looking pretty confident at the future