Defensive?

[engendertruth]

I have been watching my reactions to certain things over the course of a few weeks, a little bit like a bystander and I found some interesting insights.

I run a blog, I don't mind people disagreeing with me (sometimes ) but I get defensive when someone pokes a hole in my argument.

A positive side of me thinks that I should be glad that someone has pointed the errors in my thought processes because I learn something from this, but for some reason my mind switches to a negative attitude that the person doing the poking thinks that I am stupid.

I wonder why I would be so defensive about someone else's perception of my own intelligence? Why am I so jumpy on the issue? I wonder if it has anything to do with what I think about myself. Could my own self-perception need re-working?

Or is this reaction perfectly normal? Am I the only one who feels like this sometimes?

Thank you for reading and considering my questions.

Emmah

[TheStrongerSelf]

You're not the only one, i have exactly the same problem and it's annoying me so i am trying to work on it too.

As for why some of us act that way, i believe its the fear of being wrong. And maybe we believe that being wrong implies weakness. And that being weak means others will like us less, or will think less of us. So we try to defend our viewpoints, even if they're wrong.

This can be a problem, because often considering someone elses critique might be worth it to us (as long as it is stated in a reasonable tone and reflects the truth)

Sometimes it seems like you just have to take a deep breath and re-evaluate the situation before you act, and then consciously decide how to act on it. At least with the blog you can take your time with your active response - e.g. you responding to the commenter - while it's a bit harder in eye to eye discussions.

The more often you make yourself consciously aware of your response BEFORE you communicate it the easier it gets until it, one day, it will hopefully become a habit. I know i am getting better at it, although i still fail more often than not

PS: What helps a bit is if you imagine that someone you dont mind getting critique from is voicing it. If there isnt such a person then imagine the critique is your own thought! Hey ... look at that , second post on these boards and i am already telling people to talk to themselves

[Lola]

I'm learning that when I feel most defensive it's usually because what was said resonates with me on some level as truth. A nerve has been struck. I believe this thing to be true of me and I don't like it. Now I REALLY don't like that this other person has discovered and exposed my weakness / shortcoming / fallibility.

[engendertruth]

You are both right. I think it is a case of fearing to be wrong, but also fearing to face up to the fact that my thinking has holes in it. I am also glad other people have this reaction, it makes me realize that I am not alone.

I am glad I have communicated it, reading it here again a few days later made me feel good (oddly) because it gives me a direction of personal development to work on. I'd rather be fully aware of my weakness than blind to it.

What you said on taking a breath before responding, TheStrongerSelf, is very important too. My initial knee-jerk response was to twist the argument to make out that the hole in my thinking was not really a hole, that somehow I put it there on purpose - yes, a dishonest-cannot-bear-to-be-wrong reaction. Then I stopped and thought 'I AM wrong. I'll just agree and admit that I was wrong." I made up for the wrong-ness with a bit of humour - I think?

Thanks for the thoughtful responses - I grew a couple of braincells !!!