I think my brother is suffering from depression... advice?

[frogcat]

Hi,
I think my brother is suffering from depression. He's unemployed, he's gaining weight, he's always hyper critical of himself. He doesn't seem to want to do much, or talk about what's bugging him.

I've been irritating him with my "suggestions" and "help." Maybe you can offer some insight or advice?

For the past 6 months, he's been looking to work as an analog chip designer. He got his MSEE 6 years ago, and hasn't been working in the field, and now he feels that this is what he really wants to do, but nobody will hire him.
When talking about his job hunt, he is always really negative about anything he knows, anything he's done. It really seems like if he doesn't believe in himself, nobody will be hiring him for the position he desires.

I've asked him what's wrong... Why is he so down on himself, why doesn't he take stock at what he's been doing, and make adjustments. he says he doesn't want to talk about it... he doesn't know.

I've asked him what he wants to do as far as his own creative ideas... but when he says he's thought about designing a guitar pedal, he doesn't actually want to pursue it... even after I offered to help to see if there would be a market for what he wants to do

He hasn't excercised in 6 months, and he said has no interest in anybody telling him what to do when I tried to suggest that exercise might help him

My family have talked about him seeing a therapist. He says maybe, but he says it like it's to stop us talking about it, and it doesn't seem like he will actually do it.

I've tried asking him how he's feeling. He doesn't want to talk about it.

I've told him I love him, my whole family has done that too.

He broke up from his girlfriend of several years about 2 years ago, and one of the things she was concerned about wat that he was so down on himself.

He lives 400 miles away, in Berkeley, rent free in the house of a college buddy. I don't know how much longer his finances will last. Because his friend's wife is expecting a baby in March, I suspect he'll have to move out before then...

But he's in town this week, and I feel this is my chance to try to do something. I worry that "just leaving him alone until he wants to seek treatment" isn't a very good approach, since he's been on his own for so long, and doesn't seem to be getting better by himself.

My mom's been trying in her own way to put pressure on him, and also be encouraging. My brother is staying at her house this week.

Anyways, I figured that maybe if anyone's got any anecdotes or advice to share on helping loved ones suffering from depression, I'd sure appreciate it.

[eblight]

Sometimes putting pressure on someone and giving them advice will make them even more resistant to helping themselves. Why do you all want your brother to be different? I know that you can see a better life for him but until he asks for help you may be just creating more feelings of inadequacy for him. He may well be depressed and self sabotaging and need help. Maybe he has to reach rock bottom before he begins to reach out to others. At least he knows he has a supportive family. He is very fortunate there. Can you accept the way he is right now? I used to try to help others when they weren't ready. It was a waste of time. The best thing I found to do was to let them know that I was there for them and that I would help them as best as I could if they needed me to do that. I remained loving and accepting of them as they were. They in turn stopped feeling that I was pressuring them and not loving them.

[Tigerlilly]

Hm, I'm certainly no pro expert on this, so I can only tell you what I feel was helpful to me in the past when I was in a depressed state, and it very much depends on how low my energy level was at the time.

At rock bottom, no one telling me to go out exercise and feel happy about my prospects in life would have gonna acchieve making me feel better when I had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and making it through each day. It's like your bones are filled with lead, all hurts, your head aches, you are constantly tired, and I mean dead tired, exhausted and have maybe just enough energy left to brush your teeth in the morning and or do what's necessary to survive.

And you don't have an real interests anymore, it's like you're sucked down in a mire surrounded by mist. At least it was for me. Depression is like exhaustion, absolute exhaustion. I tmight me a good idea, to imagine yourself really drop dead exhausted, to the point where all your resources mind and body seem depleted and from that point of view ask yourself what advice or help would do you good.

I didn't take anti-depressant on principle, except for household remedies you can buy in drugstores cause I trust in my body. If my energy is gone, it's gone for a reason, and I don't believe in chemical solutions, unless as first aid when it's life and death. It might be necessary in some cases, I do not know and don't dare to argue about it, it's just a choice I stick by for myself.

So what helped me apart from household remedies, was getting rest, lots of rest, and then when the fog seemed to have lifted a little, when I just felt a little better, even a tiny bit, doing the first thing that came to my mind, just going with the flow, taking baby steps. And from friends and relatives, especially from my family what helped me most was emotional and circumstantial unconditional back-up. What I wanted to hear was that none of it mattered, that I'd be safe and cared for no matter what, that I'd be okay and looked after and supported.

Even if it's falling back into baby behaviour, what helped me was exactly that. Unconditional love and support like I was a baby again. No advice on what I should or shouldn't do, cause I couldn't do any of it anyhow at rock bottom, but being told time and again in words and deeds that everything was safe and that I was cared for.

If someone had a bad cold, I guess it'd be the difference between telling him to buy some medicine and take to bed, or making the bed, buying the medicine and then bringing the chicken soup to the bedside.

Helping others takes time, attention and committment, depending on how much help they need. You need to know how far you're willing to go in your attempt to help them, how much you can give from your own energy to them.

My best wishes go out to you and your family in this difficult time.

[Old Soul]

as a sufferer myself I can say with assurance that the best thing that helped me was

1) family carrying on with their regular life style, when depression hits the best thing for me to see is other people's smiles and laughter ... this is the reflection i hang onto when i am in a low ....

[frajilthunder]

I would start with what he wants, which is to work in chip design. I would get him hooked up with Vocational Rehab. They could do some diagnostic testing with him and refer him for treatment and probably pay for it. If it's all geared toward getting him to work that might engourage him to seek treatment.

Department of Rehabilitation - Employment Preparation Services - How to Apply for Vocational Rehabilitation Services

[frogcat]

Thanks everyone for explaining why "just" being supportive and loving is the best approach. I think that he actually seems brighter and happier while he's been down here, and what I need to wrap my head around is that he doesn't want to be fixed, he wants to be understood. and loved. On one level, a lot of what I've learned in life has shown me that this approach towards people makes sense. And I just need to remind myself that it's his life, he says he doesn't need any "help" handling what he's got going on, i.e. meddling and interference, and so I need to respect his wishes.

[nick pagan]

Depression occurs for me if I keep on trying to things that I don't have the capability to do at that moment. Persistently trying to do the personally impossible is the quickest way I know of to feel down about myself because I then feel inadequate. If I just blindly keep on persisting without making any changes then depression results.

If I find myself in a downward spiral then I break out of it by focusing on physical activities that are easy to do but that remind me that I have a lot of ability in many things and that there at least a few things in life over which I have control. These real world results overturn the abstract and exaggerated negative thinking that depressed people often succumb to. Real world results are evidence of ability and we need that to reset ourselves, to shake us out of our doldrums and to on with things once again.

I have more specific details in this post:
Nick Pagan » Breaking the Spell of Depression

I hope that with this you can help your brother.

Take care,
Nick

[Old Soul]

If I find myself in a downward spiral then I break out of it by focusing on physical activities that are easy to do

very good! I do this as well, My running has been fantastic for me, and a scheduled routine is a must for me