Food and Body Issues

[Trina]

Reading the forum descriptions I think this fits better in this forum than the Health & Fitness one since it's more about the emotions and hang-ups related to weight loss than the actual weight loss itself. I hope I am posting this in the right spot!

Basically I just wanted to post this because I have been thinking about it a lot, especially lately, and I want to know if anyone else can relate. If you can, please feel free to post your own experiences. I know I can identify that my own irrational hang ups are holding me back when I have someone to talk to about it, and it is easier for me to overcome my issues when I can identify them.

I was talking with my sister tonight and we were discussing how different our food and body issues are. We are pretty opposite when it comes to how we look (from the waist down at least, we look a LOT alike in the face). She is built a lot slimmer than I am, things like a thinner and taller frame, smaller boobs, etc. I am a bit shorter and curvier and have larger boobs. She is one of those people who feels guilty eating, and if she feels fat (which is all the time even though she is thin, which I think has a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations put on women by society) she goes overboard on dieting and exercise. She worries that if she doesn't look a certain way she won't be good enough. I am COMPLETELY opposite. I have food issues like crazy, but mine are of the "food is comfort" variety. I am pretty overweight, so it is going to take me a LOT of work to get down to a healthy size for my height. Just thinking about everything I will have to do to accomplish that depresses me, and when I get depressed I go to the first thing that makes me feel better... food. Instead of instantly worrying that people won't see me as good enough if I am too fat, I have convinced myself that I will never be thin so why bother. Then the more I think about how much I want to be thinner, the more depressing it is, and the more I eat. I also think that fat is a security blanket for me. Logically speaking I know that people like me for who I am and no one that matters gives a crap if I am overweight. But, because I have body issues, that illogical part takes over and deep down I think that people who are thinner are automatically better than me because I am fat, but if I lose weight and they are still better than me then it will be because of who I am, not just what I look like. I know I am a smart person, I am funny, I have a magnetic personality, and I know that I have a lot to offer people, but when my body issues rear their ugly head all of that goes out the window and all of a sudden none of that matters and I am not worthwhile because I am fat.

I think that's where my struggles with losing weight lie. If I make the effort to lose the weight, then I am forced to think about the what ifs, and that's painful for me. All I can think about is how worthless I am because of how I look and worry that my personality isn't as good as I have convinced myself it is to make myself feel better about being fat. Then I get depressed and lose my will to lose weight, and I go back to the comfort of food. Catch-22. If I ignore the issue, I am still fat but at least I can feel good about who I am as a person even if I hate the way I look. It's easier for me to be fat because at least I feel good about SOMETHING. Does that make sense?

Also, in my conversation with my sister tonight, she told me that she remembered something that happened when we were kids and thinks that's when my body issues started. I didn't remember it at all until she mentioned it, but thinking back I think she may be right. When we were younger (I think I was about 10 years old or so) we went into the doctor for a regular check-up. Since we were with a crappy HMO, they just did both of our check-ups at the same time. So, we were standing in the exam room in just our undies and those horrible paper robes, and when the doctor came in he looked at the two of us and told me that I was overweight and needed to go on a diet immediately. I was SO UPSET by that and immediately started bawling my eyes out, and my sister remembers me crying for the rest of the day and being upset about it for weeks. It's amazing that something like that when I was so young can trigger such unhealthy behavior for the rest of my life. Now I realize that my sister and I are COMPLETELY different body types and there is no way we will ever look the same, so to compare her body to mine isn't realistic. But back then I didn't understand that. She was thin and I didn't look like her, so I wasn't as good as her. That's why the doctor lectured ME and not her. Even when I was doing drugs and down to an extremely unhealthy weight (WAY below what I should have been for my height), I still thought I was fat and there was nothing I could do about it. Ever since then I have always thought that I am the fat girl, the fat sister, and let that dictate who I am and what I think about myself. I also see how that perception has effected my sister. She has always been the skinny sister and that has become a part of her identity. So, subconsciously she feels that if she isn't skinny she isn't worthwhile, and because so much of her identity is wrapped up in how she looks things like relationships and education (she is really smart and has loving relationships with everyone around her) don't make her feel worthwhile so she is never skinny enough. That's her catch-22.

Anyway, this is something I am really struggling with and have been for a long time, and since this site is all about personal development, what better place to discuss it right?

[Trina]

Wow, I am the only one with body issues?? :P

[Matt]

Originally Posted by Trina

Wow, I am the only one with body issues?? :P

Hah, not by a long shot. Nearly all of America has body issues.

I read your post in it's entirety when the forums first opened but didn't respond right away because I didn't have time. I'm guessing a lot of people were turned off by the length. Then I just forgot.

First off, I am a guy, but I can try and empathize with what you are going through. Nearly all of my female friends had similar issues growing up and a lot of them still struggle with them now. One of my closest friends actually got to the point where she was barely eating and exercising excessively and ultimately ended up in the hospital (that was scary!).

A lot of these issues you are having have probably been with you for awhile and been worked into your subconscious. It's not going to be simple to undo all of that but you can do it, just be persistent. You seem to have conditioned your body to crave food when you are depressed. That will take some time to dissociate. It will take time to lose weight in a healthy manner, etc. You will get past this, though.

Now, there are many ways to approach this. Since it is a psychological issue, you should probably try and find a psychotherapist you trust to help you get past this. Maybe you can go together with your sister. You could also get a nutritionist, join Jenny Craig, get a trainer, etc. but that will not fix the underlying problem.

I know there's this stigma attached to psychotherapy, but its really unwarranted. Our minds are complex and it helps to have someone knowledgeable to work thorough these issues with.

[Matthew Shea]

I certainly hope someone who's been through a similar situation will respond, but hopefully I can add some insight.

If you go by the current medical recommendations, I was 83 pounds overweight at my maximum. I've dropped about 23 so far. If you take my frame into account, it's more like 63 pounds at my max. Either way it's a lot, although you wouldn't know it by looking at me (I don't look as overweight as I am, which isn't necessarily a good thing). In my case, it's bad habits and learned behaviors from childhood that cause my weight issues. Things like "you can't leave until you've cleared your plate" and the ready availability of dessert every night and my mom letting us buy (and quickly consume) chocolate bars every time we went to the grocery store. I've recently made some permanent changes to help reverse those bad habits. I can't pretend to help you with the body issues other than to say that truly ceasing to care about society's expectations is very empowering (a lesson I've learned in other aspects of my life). Maybe some of these will help you, though:

- exercise every day (still something I struggle with)
- don't carry cash or anything that gives you easy access to it (that way I won't buy junk food) I still carry a credit card, but there's something about charging a candy bar where I just won't go there.
- Bring your own food to work (including snacks)
- Snack on crunchy vegetables, nuts, trail mixes, etc during the day to stave off hunger so you won't overeat later (this is a big one for me).
- Don't stay up late (another biggie).

My goal is to drop the 63 lbs and keep it off permanently. With the changes I've made and my wife's support I think it's possible (her eating habits are much better than mine). Best of luck to you!

[Cathy]

Hi Trina
I think many people struggle with the same issues that you are having. Some of this certainly is evoked by societal pressures/beliefs about beauty.

Dove has an interesting campaign exploring this. You may have seen this "movie" showing the transformation of a model from how she really looks to what her billboard looked like--i.e. completely different.

I do not know why the self worth of so many women is tied to the number on the scale or the size of one's jeans. I know that I have struggled with this myself trying to balance the strange dichotomy of being valued for who I was vs. how I viewed myself due to the highs or lows on the scale. I finally decided to approach my body and my eating from a wellness perspective and started treating my body like a high end automobile. Would you stick regular gas in a Porsche? Would you try to fuel it with Crisco? Do you love yourself enough to give your body the best fuel & care? Like Matthew, I started replacing the bad habits with better ones. This changed my body dramatically. You can see the pictures here if you are interested. While my body changed considerably, the biggest and lasting change can be seen on my face....look at how my smile grew as I progressed and became healthier. Some similar examples are here and here. There is no quick fix. It takes time and perseverance to make a big change. In many ways, I find maintenance harder than sticking to a goal oriented weight loss plan.

One great thing about the internet is that so often only one's thoughts and words matter. You are not prejudged immediately by skin color, accent, posture, manners, hygiene, style of dress, or body weight. How liberating! However, in the real world, it is almost impossible not to make instantaneous judgements based on these factors. There is a women down the hall from me who must be 250 lbs over weight. She is so sick from mistreating her body that she wears oxygen all of the time. In spite of this, there is almost a box of krispy kreme donuts in her office (12-24/box). This I don't understand. She is an intelligent, successful, businesswomen and this treatment of her health is really incongruent with her observable successes. In some ways it's like watching a person with a drug addiction knowing they are slowly killing themselves.

I wish you and your sister luck in sorting out your respective self-image issues. This type of thing is tough. Be well.

[Lucia]

Interested in the science/bio aspects of most things ..this "diet" book, is the most comprehensive (overlook the authors attempts at humor) study into our brain, and the tickings that control hunger. Skip to Chapter Three, The Chemistry of Emotions, The connections between Feelings and Food.

Best of luck on your quest for thinness, but try to love the skin you are in first! Learn the ins and outs of hunger, from the level of our brains. It promotes getting your body to reprogram itself into its natural set point by thinking differently about the "Why" to Diet smart not hard.
Happy to be here!
Lucia

[lolly]

Hi all.

I am one of those that should really not have such issues, but the think is i do. Someone people would say that i have a great figure, well my BF does anyway it means a lot coming from him.

After watching the dove film it really made feel a little better about how i look and how i should feel. Im thinking now that beauty is not just skin deep you can be any shape or size and be beautiful in someone eyes. Look at what is in your heart and feel good about yourself and you will become sexy women. Wow i just surprised myself with this little paragraph i just wrote and the more i think about the more i can start to love myself and feel good about the looks God gave me.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Trina,

I've carried about 10 extra kilos for the last 10 years or so. A lot of things have happened in that time, I went to uni, my marriage broke up, I finished uni as a single fulltime working mother, I started my PD path, I left my well-paying job to start teaching people EFT.

It's only since I left work, that I've started losing weight. I've lost about 7 kilos of the 10 so far, and it hasn't been because of dieting (although I can heartily recommend the raw vegan diet!). It's mostly been because I've been doing EFT on all my childhood issues.

I used to have many "bad" days. Stressful days where I'd get home and hoe into chips, chocolate or alcohol. Comfort foods were frequent foods for me. I rarely feel the need for comfort foods these days. And I've given up alcohol for January.


Is it because I left my full-time job? No, I left my fulltime job because I'd dropped the fear about leaving employment through EFT.

Your doctor experience is likely a large cause of your food issues. Many people wear the fat as a security blanket, because of fears they haven't dealt with. The doctor experience gave you a VERY unpleasant experience which would have left you with fear AND silly ideas about your body.

If you did EFT on that one experience, you'd probably find less desire for your comfort foods. You might just "forget" to have them. The good thing about this is that it's dealing with the underlying issue so the urges go away. No willpower required. I'm loving having fresh fruits and vegies rather than chips and chocolates. I'm eating what I want to and losing weight.

One of my past clients rang me today. He's been doing EFT on his anger, and his desire for tea/coffee. He's finding he's reduced his coffee/tea intake to about 1/4 what it was. He just forgets to go get it.

This is why I recommend the EFT path. You reduce the NEED for the comfort foods by reducing your baseload of stress. You don't need willpower because you've really dealt with the issues causing the weight gain.

My recomendation anyway.

Joy and health to you
Hazel

[moviestar]

If you are "struggling" you are really lying to yourself. You have created a false identity for yourself that wants to lose weight when in reality it is just you that wants to stay fat.
From what I've read you want some emotional backup. You want people to pity you and make you feel better. You want to feel good. You give a ************ about being thin. You want to feel good, quickly and effortlesly. You eat because it gives you pleasure. You wouldn't give that up for anything. It feels so ************en good. You want to struggle with losing weight, you want to show people how much effort you put into it. You want people to say: "She's fat but she's really trying, she just can't do a lot about it because that's the way she is built". You don't want to be thin and attractive, you want to feel good about your sister giving you attention when you cry about the bad doctor. You want to cry and it makes you feel good when people notice...

When you REALLY WANT to lose weight, you'll just KNOW IT. There will be just a snap decision made - "This is it I will no longer be fat" and you'll do whatever it costs to stay thin. You will no longer value the pleasure of food and self-pity. There will no longer be struggle.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

I hear what you're saying moviestar, but with respect, I'll make these two points:
1. Why do YOU feel the need to say that? Your comments sound a bit like you're judging trina for her weight issues. What does this mean to you? Have you been judged over weight issues? Or have you just made a snap decision to lose weight? Or something else? You may like to look inside yourself for the answer to that. You don't need to post anything.
2. It's still just surface stuff that you're saying. The real interest, presuming what you've said is correct, is why does trina want this attention, why does she want to struggle with these weight issues. On one level I agree, trina will learn somethig out of this. Why I like EFT is that you can get past the emotional fog, and figure out the underneath issues. They'll all seem obvious afterwards. But its the process of getting to that "snap decision" as you put it that is the work.

joy and complete self-acceptance to all
Hazel

[Flame]

Originally Posted by moviestar

When you REALLY WANT to lose weight, you'll just KNOW IT. There will be just a snap decision made - "This is it I will no longer be fat" and you'll do whatever it costs to stay thin. You will no longer value the pleasure of food and self-pity. There will no longer be struggle.

Really?

"Do whatever it costs to stay thin" -- is this progress? Isn't this the other extreme (e.g. the extreme dieting and exercising her sister does)?

[Mindformula]

The issue that you are having has nothing to do with food, which is really simple. I teach a health challenge and for 99% of the people who attend it has nothing to do with it.

If you really want to change how you look and how you feel, change your excuses, change your beliefs about food and change your beliefs about yourself.

The problem is only as big as you make it. But, yes, there could have been a strong impact from what that doctor said, it could be burried in your subconcious. I actually recommend that you simply change that memory. It´s fairly simple to do and you can remove the feeling that is stuck with it.

Even though "society" has rules about what you should look like, this issue has nothing to do with that. I have rules about the way I look and more importantly I have rules about the way I feel. When I was overweight it didn´t feel good physically, it was hard to do things such as run up stairs, carry stuff. Even some things at work were hard to do because of my weight, as I become healthier in my choices in food, and very little exercise (about 3-4 hours a week). Things started rapidly changing. This "society" excuse is one of the best in the book, because who can really argue with society? I don´t have to do what society tells me. You are right you have to do what you think is right for you, and what are you really telling yourself when you say that it is because of society? It´s their "dumb" rules?
If you fit into what society wants it makes you dumb? It is often the simplest things that become your downfall.

I would recommend that if you really want to change this that you go see a life coach, can be a spiritual one, it can be one of tony robbins life coaches or a mindformula life coach. All of them will have the tools to help you get rid of this, the question is how much do you really want to deal with this?

[moviestar]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

I hear what you're saying moviestar, but with respect, I'll make these two points:
1. Why do YOU feel the need to say that? Your comments sound a bit like you're judging trina for her weight issues. What does this mean to you? Have you been judged over weight issues? Or have you just made a snap decision to lose weight? Or something else? You may like to look inside yourself for the answer to that. You don't need to post anything.
2. It's still just surface stuff that you're saying. The real interest, presuming what you've said is correct, is why does trina want this attention, why does she want to struggle with these weight issues. On one level I agree, trina will learn somethig out of this. Why I like EFT is that you can get past the emotional fog, and figure out the underneath issues. They'll all seem obvious afterwards. But its the process of getting to that "snap decision" as you put it that is the work.

1. I just felt nobody will give her an answer. She wants emotional support from this thread and that's why I gave her the opposite. Even if I am wrong she should consider my perspective and if it was mean or harsh it will make her think, which is good.
2. Getting rid of emotions is only 1 step. You still have to have some kind of motivation to lose weight.

"Do whatever it costs to stay thin" -- is this progress? Isn't this the other extreme (e.g. the extreme dieting and exercising her sister does)?

Extreme dieting still is struggling. I'm talking about something else. You won't need that because your whole lifestyle will change if you make a real decision.

Mindformula might be right about the life coach. If you really want to change you need external support.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Even if I am wrong she should consider my perspective and if it was mean or harsh it will make her think, which is good.

Oh I agree, moviestar, all feedback is useful whether supportive or not. I'm just wondering why you felt the need to provide the unsupportive feedback. On other posts in this site, there are many discussions that centre around the concept that you can learn from your own responses to things. I just reckon your response to trina is worthy of your own exploration. That's all.

You still have to have some kind of motivation to lose weight.

Just about any overweight woman has motivation to lose weight. I found having dumped the emotional stuff, the weight has just come off, because I don't *need* to eat the comfort food I used to. Everyone's different, and I don't think a "boot camp" method is necessarily required. I like that I no longer feel urges for chocolate etc. My diet has improved 100%. Still don't exercise tho!

My 2c worth.

enjoy it all!!

hazel

[troque23]

Trina,

Warning: this is a long post but having recovered from an eating disorder myself, I'm hoping my experience will help at least one person out there.

I think your food and body issues are all too common for women, and it usually begins at an impressionable age, as it did with me.

I personally suffered from an eating disorder during my high school and college years. I was a bulimic, binge eater, I had low self-esteem, and I really hated my body. I was not necessarily overweight, maybe at most I had the freshman 20-30 lbs. However, that didn't matter - my own self-image was not a good one.

I can tell you that those years were hell, but I was determined not to go through the rest of my life in that hell. I can also tell you that recovering from that eating disorder was what led me to personal development. Because, ultimately, I had to face myself in order to recover - there's nothing like facing your demons to develop yourself further.

Now, what worked for me may not work for you. I can tell you that the 12-step recovery program did not work for me. I tried, but I didn't want to depend on someone else to talk me out of overeating. (I have an independent nature so Overeaters Anonymous was tough for me.)

What really helped me was to journal. I wrote in my journal to hear the thoughts that I was telling myself, the honest, unfiltered thoughts - the bad, the ugly, the fat, the brutal thoughts. I began with that. Then I began to change the words to kind, loving words - even if I didn't believe them at the time. Fake it 'til you make it.

I also stopped looking at the scale. I threw out clothes that didn't fit me. I still binged - but afterwards I would write about what I felt while I binged - all the thoughts that went through my head and afterwards. Then I began to notice the patterns, the emotional crutch that food symbolized for me. Whenever I felt the urge to binge, I would go to my journal first and write, then if I still felt the urge, I would eat. But then I would write. This really conditioned me to listen to not only what the thoughts were that went through my head but also allowed me the opportunity to make the choice to not binge. If I still felt like binging, it meant that I had not sorted out the emotions that were causing me to feel that way. And sometimes I would keep writing, sometimes I would go to the fridge. But eventually, my journaling began to replace the binging. And eventually, I learned to listen to my body. This was part of the process of listening to myself. I began to learn what the feeling of physical hunger felt like again.

Another key to my recovery was the outdoors. I had always lived in an urban environment as a youth and when I finally went to college in a semi-rural area, I discovered how much I loved fresh air, trees, and open sky. I began to take my journals into the nature preserve of my college. To this day, hiking, camping, and other outdoor activities continue to feed me in a way that food never can. Needless to say, this became my daily exercise. Heck, I don't even think of it as exercise. I think of it as food for my spirit and soul.

Trina, this was a long and gradual process. This did not happen overnight and I had many setbacks, but I kept at it. It has been over ten years since I had these issues. I've remained the same weight and size for the last 10 years.

I suggest starting with being honest with yourself. Be brutally honest, but kind. Be patient. Be persistent. Be your own best friend. Because ultimately, YOU are the only one who can really answer your own questions.

Sending you much love and kindness,
Trish

(Trina, feel free to email me off-line if I can offer you further encouragement and support.)

[moviestar]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

Oh I agree, moviestar, all feedback is useful whether supportive or not. I'm just wondering why you felt the need to provide the unsupportive feedback. On other posts in this site, there are many discussions that centre around the concept that you can learn from your own responses to things. I just reckon your response to trina is worthy of your own exploration. That's all.

It isn't unsupportive in my reality.

My response was like that because I don't like dishonesty and bullshit. Probably because I am struggling with it myself.

[C33]

I have had a weight problem for years and it has spoiled my experience of life.

Since I am still struggling, I am just going to give you a few tips that worked for me, hoping it will provide assistance to you.

- Beating yourself on the head and comparing yourself to skinnier people will NOT help you. Decide that,from now on: your body issue is YOUR issue, not your sister's issue, not society's issue, YOUR issue. That means that YOU and only YOU can negatively or positively change the way your body looks or feel.
- Decide to deal with this issue in the PRESENT. Not in the past: thinking about the mean doctor ( He probably had a small penis therefore was threatened by anything/anyone that seemed to be bigger than usual!!!).Stop thinking about the way people treat you and think about the ways you could treat yourself better.
-Eat as much as you want and what you want WITHOUT feeling guilty about it. Choose organic food version of the food you usually eat ( if you eat junk food). I got rid of my bulimia by doing this: I ate organic versions of junk food (organic whole wheat pizza instead of Domino's pizza, organic potatoe chips instead of Doritos etc etc...). Give yourself abundance, not deprivation.Always have a snack in your purse, never be without food! It will give your subconscious mind the message that you have food on the ready, therefore you do not need to "panic" that you have nothing to eat.
-Take Omega 3, 3 times a day and Chromium to stop sugar craving,drink green tea ( a lot).This should help tremenduously, you should be less hungry and make better eating choices.
-I used self hypnosis cds and I lost 4 pounds within 2 weeks. (paul mckenna). You have to listen to the cd at least once a day.
-Convince yourself that you will lose the weight, no matter how long it takes.

Good luck to you. You are not alone in this struggle, but you have everything you need inside you to fight and succeed.

[belugagirl]

Troque23, thank you for sharing! I'm sure your post helped more than one person, hopefully Trina included.

Trina, I wish I could also help you with my own story, but my change from someone who was constantly preoccupied with my weight and with food to someone who has a laid-back relationship with food and a more realistic attitude toward my appearance was so gradual and involved so many tries and chapters that I can't even remember them all.

There is one major event, though, that I think had the greatest impact. Oddly enough, it was one of the most painful things to ever happen to me. I used to be a musical theater actress and dancer. Never professionally yet, but that's what I wanted and what I studied for in college. So my fantasy was not just being thin, but being thin enough to be a dancer and being pretty enough to get parts.

Then, in my early 20s I had a foot injury that two surgeries could not fix, and dance was over for me. I couldn't even walk in anything but my special rocker shoes without a good deal of pain. Naturally, at first this led to a downward spiral: the pain made me eat, the hopelessness of losing my dream made me eat, and not dancing meant less exercise, which meant gaining weight. I gained 40 pounds, and I was mildly overweight to begin with.

Then I rediscovered the outdoors. My boyfriend (now husband) and I discovered kayaking. I realized that I love some of the moments I have in nature (gliding through the water, feeling the wind in my face on a bicycle, hudding in front of a fire I made, looking at a starry sky far from city lights) as much--maybe even more--than I loved performing. And I enjoy being active in the outdoors even more when I have more energy to burn there. When I'm a little slimmer, I feel more comfortable in my kayak, I can hike further, bike further, and be less tired. My wetsuit fits me better, my body FEELS better. It doesn't matter how I look when I'm camping, and there are very few mirrors around to take stock.

Now the pressure was off! I never HAD to be that perfect body. And I could have my musical theater back, too! I live it in my imagination. I listen to CDs when no one's home. I sing with them. Sometimes I dance with them. For no one. For myself. Once upon a time I would have thought this didn't count because it wasn't "real." But it's real to me in the moment. I can become part of the music, the character, the story in that moment, even in my kitchen.

So even though my foot problem still affects me (I can't even watch people walk barefoot without "feeling" the pain in my big toe, I can't rock climb, which I used to enjoy on a very novice level) it probably saved me. Now, I just have to be slim enough to be healthy. I'm still a little overweight--just above the high end of the healthy range, but now I eat and exercise to FEEL GOOD, not to LOOK GOOD. (I see myself as better-looking now, though, than I did before, probably because I see myself for me, not in comparison to other women I considered "pretty enough" to be actresses and "thin enough" to be dancers.)

So, the things I think might be useful for you are to 1) decide on something you love to do, and 2) see all the ways in which that thing will be even more enjoyable when you are healthy and strong and feeling good, and 3) eat and exercise for how it makes you FEEL--how it makes you healthy and strong--and not how it will make you LOOK.

The pyschotherapy thing would be helpful, too, especially since you report feeling fat even when you were underweight. There's lots of good advice on this thread, and in books, and in people's stories. Trust yourself, pick out the pieces of advice and stories that resonate with you, and cobble together your own plan, find your own path, where you compare yourself only with YOU, not with other people ("society," your sister). Good luck, my friend!