What are your ways of controlling your emotions?

[YazKMan]

each person has usually developed their own unique way of controlling their emotions, or perhaps they have modified someone elses methods.

I'd like to hear what some of your methods are, perhaps we can learn from them.

[Angela]

Deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good when I think them.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by YazKMan

each person has usually developed their own unique way of controlling their emotions, or perhaps they have modified someone elses methods.

I'd like to hear what some of your methods are, perhaps we can learn from them.

Well, there is binge eating, drinking alchohol, smoking dope, going on a shopping spree...

oh you mean healthy ways?

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Well, there is binge eating, drinking alchohol, smoking dope, going on a shopping spree...

oh you mean healthy ways?

oh blast, you beat me to it..! I was gonna say that..!

But to the point:

Frankly, it's not something that comes easy to me, personally. When there's something that's weighing heavily on my mind, I have a hard time putting it aside. I've tried meditation, "happy thoughts" like Angela suggested, exercise and all the rest but if the issue is big enough it tends to crowd out pretty much everything else.

Generally I'm pretty good at compartmentalizing - that is, separating things into discrete components so I can manage them one at a time - but it's not foolproof. The biggies that often cast a looming shadow over the rest of my life usually involve relationships and money. No surprise there, I suppose.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

oh blast, you beat me to it..! I was gonna say that..!

Hehe

I've gotten to control the emotions of fears of public speaking resonably well. I visualize being in front of the audience feeling very confident and then before the speech, I go outside, walk very fast and chant the Tony Robbins Mantra while giving power moves.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by YazKMan

each person has usually developed their own unique way of controlling their emotions

Is that really true? I don't think I control my emotions, or not well. I cry a lot, and if I am in a bus or an airport - well, I try to hold back the tears as much as possible, but at some point I just can't. Is there a method to keep from crying? Is it good to hold back tears? But I am always alone, so I am not distracted with thinking I am embarrassing someone who's with me. It's just me and an airport-full of strangers.

I also don't control my anger well. When I get angry/frustrated at my computer or the Internet connection, the fax machine, when machines I have to use aren't working like they should or they are beeping and beeping, giving me stupid messages like, there is no paper when there is paper and nothing I push or can do will make it shut up or make it see that there is paper, I shout and throw things , but I always watch what I pick up to throw and where I throw it, to make sure I don't damage something I care about.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

I've tried meditation, "happy thoughts" like Angela suggested, exercise and all the rest but if the issue is big enough it tends to crowd out pretty much everything else.

Hey, cdn, I don't like the characterization of deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good when you think them as "happy thoughts," and I don't suggest people try to slap "happy thoughts" on like a band-aid. That doesn't really have much effect on emotions and what causes them except to conceal yourself from yourself.

If I'm feeling an emotion that doesn't feel good, like rage or jealousy or guilt or glumness, deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good doesn't entail denying those feelings -- it's more a matter of looking boldly at how the emotion is serving me, and then deliberately looking for a thought that gives me some relief from that, and puts me into an upward spiral from the beginning-point of the whatever service that emotion was there to provide. "Buck up!" makes me laugh, but it doesn't really work for me as a tool in guiding my emotions toward feeling good.

Bliss Sage, do you think it's possible that by trying to hold back tears so much, the emotions in those tears is being 'frustrated' in a way, and may be trying to get your attention by confronting you during inappropriate times like bus stations and airports, so that you're sort of forced to express and deal with them?

re your edit about anger: it looks like maybe you've got some unresolved pain about power and being powerless -- does that resonate for you?

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Angela

Bliss Sage, do you think it's possible that by trying to hold back tears so much, the emotions in those tears is being 'frustrated' in a way, and may be trying to get your attention by confronting you during inappropriate times like bus stations and airports, so that you're sort of forced to express and deal with them?

Well, truly, I don't hold back the tears. If I cry in a bus or airport, it is because something just happened to make me feel the need to cry. In such moments I try to hold them back, but I can't really. Actually, I've been crying a lot less recently .

re your edit about anger: it looks like maybe you've got some unresolved pain about power and being powerless -- does that resonate for you?

Yes. I have always felt totally helpless to affect anything, applicable in most situations, not merely with a strong-willed, defective fax machine. The way I help myself when I can is by asking others, strangers, to help me.

Hmm, it's bringing a flood of memories from lifetimes ago...

Oh, I just remembered, recently I have noticed that the only way I can get anyone to help me is by falling apart in tears. If I get angry, or if I just ask for help, nobody helps me or takes me seriously...men get so insanely flustered when I cry, it's weird. The worst thing is when they inevitably tell me to stop crying!

Is "power ranger" a reason for editing?

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Is "power ranger" a reason for editing?

It's the opposite of Godzilla editing.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I have always felt totally helpless to affect anything, applicable in most situations...

Hmm, it's bringing a flood of memories from lifetimes ago...

Oh, I just remembered, recently I have noticed that the only way I can get anyone to help me is by falling apart in tears.

So being powerless, trying to avoid being powerless, and employing strategies to not be powerless, are having their way with you, yes? You want to control your emotions, but you "can't", right? Because your old pain (being powerless) has more control over your current emotions than your conscious mind does.

I think that is very common -- we have these emotions that feel bigger than we are, and it seems like we can't control our emotions. It's old pain, running the show!

The good news is, if you can see it, it begins to lose its power over you. It becomes less trying to control your emotions, and more letting go of the old decisions that have a grip on you. Surrender!

[Angela]

A Power Ranger is the girl on the horse who rides around the range, rounding up ways of being and holding them up to look at them boldly, so that we can generate power in areas that they're lacking.

Yippee-yi-kai-yay!

[Freada]

When we watch young children they go through the whole range of emotions every day. One minute they have fallen and they
are crying the next they get a lollipop and they are laughing, the next they are curiously suspended in time having nothing else
to do but watch a catterpiller move over a leaf. In other words they are having their experience as they are having their experience.

They are having the emotion instead of allowing the emotion to have them - which is what most adults do - allow the emotion to run
them that is! There are times when it is appropriate to be sad, happy, grieve etc...and there are times when people become
so engulfed in their emotions that it's not useful and it stops them from having their life.
So what to do!! The first question is, if I may ask 'what is an emotion to you?"

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Freada

They are having the emotion instead of allowing the emotion to have them - which is what most adults do - allow the emotion to run them that is! There are times when it is appropriate to be sad, happy, grieve etc...and there are times when people become so engulfed in their emotions that it's not useful and it stops them from having their life.

Gawd, I wish I had known you earlier!

My ex used to be a complete and utter slave to her emotions. I likened it to an alcoholic having a drink. One can have a wee nip once in a while and enjoy those pleasures but that doesn't make one an alcoholic. But when the booze takes over pretty much every aspect of one's life and causes problems in relationships, with work and all the rest, then it's clearly a problem.

Same with emotions. Sure, it's healthy to allow one's self to cry or whatever on occasion, but when "I'm in touch with my emotions!!" gets in the way of living life then there's something wrong and it needs to be fixed.

That's one of the reasons why she's now an ex.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Angela

So being powerless, trying to avoid being powerless, and employing strategies to not be powerless,

Well, as far as I can tell, I haven't got any strategies to not be powerless. It's just a recent observation that when I get so desperate for help that I burst into tears, people get all discombobulated and they help me. This has only come about recently because I moved to a different country and I have been forced to be in public and in a position where I really need help all the time. Prior to this, I lived in a country where I was so alienated and the people basically ignored each other, I didn't need help and I cried alone in my apartment without the slightest restraint, as I was alone, and I lived that way for 10 years. Turns out that when that is applied where I am now, people help me.

You want to control your emotions, but you "can't", right?

I don't have a big problem with crying in public, so I don't see a reason to control it necessarily, as long as I'm not with someone who makes me feel bad for it. Actually, it feels good to be able to cry when you feel like crying.

Because your old pain (being powerless) has more control over your current emotions than your conscious mind does.

Now...perhaps. I don't always cry for little things or from just watching some TV show. Recently I got stuck in transit in Tunis in the middle of the night because 1st there was no flight for 2 days to where I was supposed to go and then the flight I had then booked got cancelled. I was scared, I was lonely, I was cold, I had spent the whole night in the airport, already paid for the ticket and was returning from a rough and inhospitable trip, which also had a very traumatic start to it. I was stuck in Tunis for four days alone not knowing how I was going to get where I was going, to top it off, the only friend I had at my destination city was unjustly angry at me because I had not arrived on the day I said and, wallowing in his self-pity, he deliberately refused to answer the phone the 50,000,000 times I tried to call him.

Well, I held it together until I found out my flight out of Tunis had been cancelled, and that was the last straw. I was in the airport, starting to cry while talking to the not-nice lady behind the Tunisair desk.

That was just the beginning, but I don't think the situations I fall apart in are all founded solely in past pain. The helpless and scared feeling may be a common denominator, however.

I think that is very common -- we have these emotions that feel bigger than we are, and it seems like we can't control our emotions. It's old pain, running the show!

What I have been aiming for is not to control my tears, but figuring I attract these traumatic situations, I am trying to change my beliefs and thoughts so that I don't suffer these traumatic and harsh situations. I can handle crying while watching the news or a movie, but after this most recent ordeal of a trip, I said I have to change these awful, painful experiences.

What do you think?

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Same with emotions. Sure, it's healthy to allow one's self to cry or whatever on occasion, but when "I'm in touch with my emotions!!" gets in the way of living life then there's something wrong and it needs to be fixed.

But aren't emotions life? My mom's father, he was like a robot, like he had and expressed no feeling or emotion at all. It's like being dead if you are without emotions...

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

Yes. I have always felt totally helpless to affect anything, applicable in most situations, not merely with a strong-willed, defective fax machine.

That's what I was responding to, Bliss Sage. Feeling totally helpless to affect anything, applicable in most situations -- this sounds like old pain to me. Because it's just a thought -- it's not The Truth. You're clearly a very powerful person.

Oh, I just remembered, recently I have noticed that the only way I can get anyone to help me is by falling apart in tears.

Bliss Sage, please pardon me, but that sounds like a strategy to me.

You've mentioned that you would like to change your beliefs and thoughts so that you don't attract traumatic, harsh experiences. I am inviting you to look at the idea that it's your beliefs and thoughts that make your experiences traumatic and harsh. Events are just events; it's what we make them mean that makes all the difference.

For instance, being lonely and cold and inconvenienced as you were in the Tunisian airport meant one thing for you: trauma and harshness, awful and painful. For another traveler, it might mean something else entirely -- adventure, personal growth, irritation, and so on and so on.

What I'm saying is: another way to look at it is rather than changing the events themselves, you can change your thoughts and beliefs about the events, while accepting the reality that is in front of you.

For me, that's where I find the power to "control my emotions" although I wouldn't normally word it that way.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

But aren't emotions life? My mom's father, he was like a robot, like he had and expressed no feeling or emotion at all. It's like being dead if you are without emotions...

Sure, emotions are a part of life. But not 100%.

Imagine if you acted out in anger everytime you got pi$$ed off at something. Imagine that in the middle of traffic you'd get so enraged that you'd take out a tire iron and start whacking someone else's car.

Probably not a good strategy.

Same with other strong emotions. There's a time/place when it's appropriate, and there's a time/place when it's not. Nobody's suggesting that one should do without emotions. I just suggest that they should serve us, not the other way around.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Sure, emotions are a part of life. But not 100%.

Remember some people are much more feeling-based then thinking base. I think those who are feeling based feel their emotions a lot more then those of us who are thinking base.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Remember some people are much more feeling-based then thinking base. I think those who are feeling based feel their emotions a lot more then those of us who are thinking base.

No argument from me on that. I'm just suggesting that either way - fully emotional or fully logical - and denying the other cuts one off from a lot of what life has to offer.

[Bliss Sage]

Originally Posted by Angela

That's what I was responding to, Bliss Sage. Feeling totally helpless to affect anything, applicable in most situations -- this sounds like old pain to me. Because it's just a thought -- it's not The Truth. You're clearly a very powerful person.

That's right, that part is old pain.

Bliss Sage, please pardon me, but that sounds like a strategy to me.

Well, calling it a strategy makes it sound like I devised the method first and then applied it expressly for the purpose of getting help, when actually I have only observed the reactions of people when I cry.

You've mentioned that you would like to change your beliefs and thoughts so that you don't attract traumatic, harsh experiences. I am inviting you to look at the idea that it's your beliefs and thoughts that make your experiences traumatic and harsh. Events are just events; it's what we make them mean that makes all the difference.

I understand your point, but where does that leave the LoA? I'm a newcomer to it and I thought, as The Secret told me, I was attracting the situations I didn't want by my thoughts, beliefs and feelings, so I thought if I change my thoughts and feelings, the situations I don't like will stop...?

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

Imagine if you acted out in anger everytime you got pi$$ed off at something. Imagine that in the middle of traffic you'd get so enraged that you'd take out a tire iron and start whacking someone else's car.

Aha, but this does not happen. I don't do this, because there are other considerations. I care about other people's feelings and I don't want to hurt them, so even if I will throw my slippers across the room when I'm alone in my apartment, I won't do anything that will hurt someone else or their belongings.

There are people who turn their anger in on themselves sometimes to avoid hurting or offending someone else and then there are people who express their anger at others freely, even if it is not justified.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Bliss Sage

I understand your point, but where does that leave the LoA? I'm a newcomer to it and I thought, as The Secret told me, I was attracting the situations I didn't want by my thoughts, beliefs and feelings, so I thought if I change my thoughts and feelings, the situations I don't like will stop...?

Well, my understanding of the LoA -- how I use it -- is not to attract things or events, but to attract ways of being, or you could say, to attract feelings.

I think you like to travel, right? Adventure is one of your values? Otherwise I doubt you would find yourself in a place like Tunis! So, as I see it, you have used the LoA in your life to generate exciting trips for yourself. (Maybe it's a different feeling that you value; same principle, whatever the value.) And -- again, this is the way I see it -- you have some old pain that is in there along with your desired feelings, and they are also influencing what you "get." The old pain -- "being powerless" -- is having an effect on your experience, right alongside the more desirable feelings, and maybe sometimes even overshadowing the desirable feelings, yes?

So where I'm saying the value is, is in defusing the power that the old pain ("I'm powerless") has over your experience of your experience ( ) -- surrendering it, in other words, and I have very specific means of doing that -- and so allowing your desired feelings (adventure, excitement, personal growth, whatever) align themselves in the universe and be what you experience.

That's just an example, of course; the fax machine is another example -- when a machine doesn't work the way you want it to, that in itself doesn't mean anything, but you create some meaning (again, I believe based on the old "I'm powerless" pain) that has you shouting and throwing things. You can see that not everybody makes that same meaning, right? And that you're free to make a different meaning that works better for you. But when we're in the throes of our old pain, it's really hard to see that we're free to choose another meaning to make out of an event -- any of an infinite number of meanings, some of which might work much better than the one we're in the throes of. Being free is very important to me, so I tend to generate meanings from events that leave me being free.

As I've said before (about a gazillion times!) the Law of Attraction, for me, is deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good when you think them.

Do you see what I mean?

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Bliss Sage, many times our strategies are unconscious. That is, we don't plan them out ahead of time, but we use them to get or prove something nonetheless.

From the outside, as someone doing a lot of the same things, I can see that there is something fueling your actions that has nothing to do with the present moment. When you really take the time to look into what past pain is driving your habitual reactions to current situations you will find a very powerful stance from which to operate. Sometimes I will break down at something so inconsequential. When I look at it in light of the facts of the present moment, I can see that something about the situation has triggered a powerful decision I made about myself in the past that is no longer in my conscious awareness. Just finding those things and releasing their hold over you will leave you free and powerful. Give it a try. I think you will be amazed.

Good luck with finding the root and cutting it out.

[Jenny]

Originally Posted by Angela

If I'm feeling an emotion that doesn't feel good, like rage or jealousy or guilt or glumness, deliberately thinking thoughts that feel good doesn't entail denying those feelings -- it's more a matter of looking boldly at how the emotion is serving me, and then deliberately looking for a thought that gives me some relief from that, and puts me into an upward spiral from the beginning-point of the whatever service that emotion was there to provide.

Angela,
I'm a need examples kind of person in order to understand anything so could you give an example of how you would boldly look at an emotion such as jealousy in a way that gives you relief and changes the spiral from downward to upward?

Thanks!

[Angela]

Originally Posted by Jenny

Angela,
I'm a need examples kind of person in order to understand anything so could you give an example of how you would boldly look at an emotion such as jealousy in a way that gives you relief and changes the spiral from downward to upward?

Thanks!

Your question has a split personality, so I'll give you two answers. First, if you want some relief from an emotion like jealousy, and guidelines on how to change the spiral to upward, I recommend the book, "The Astonishing Power of Emotions" (Abraham/Hicks.). Although you have to distinguish the particular thoughts that will make you feel better, this book will give you a good idea on how to do that.

Second, regarding boldly looking at your old pain (that often shows up as emotion like jealousy) and generating a new possibility that works better in creating a life you love, I've developed a pretty specific method for doing that. I've been working with a few people here (and in the real world) in doing that work, and they can probably tell you if they've found it to be valuable. I know it has been very valuable for me in uncovering and surrrendering the old pain that has robbed me of my freedom. This method is not about getting a little bit of relief -- it's about having a breakthrough in being free.

Here's an example of my "pretty specific method" (then in its infancy) in another thread: "I'm ugly".

[Rose of Cairo]

to the OP:

I don't like the idea of controlling my emotions. They are useful, so why restrain them? I tend to have very strong emotions that change fast. I don't want to control them in any way. Usually I just let them be and express them freely. If I feel euphorical, I sing and bounce around and laugh alone.

If the emotions are negative, I know I'm creating something I don't want with my thoughts. In this case, I'll try to get out of this thought pattern with following strategy:

1) I observe the emotion without trying to control it. I try not to judge it, but just to aknowledge it. "oh, I'm feeling angry. Am I upset or angry? no, it's angry. Ok. It's ok to be angry. How angry I am! I'd like to brain someone. great!"

2) Then, I thank my emotion for being here. Yes, because emotions are a powerful indicator for your thougths. If you have a positive emotion, you know you're creating something you want. If you have a negative emotion, you know you're thinking crap. That's a very useful tool isn't it? So I tell my emotion "thank you for being here and making me aware of my bad thoughts!" (my counselor always told me: "the symptom is your friend, it shows you the way to the problem." very wise isn't it? )

3) Well then I identify the bad thoughts that are responsible for my emotion.

4) And then I deliberately choose thoughts that feel better. It's useless to go from a very negative to a very positive thought at once, that wouldn't feel authentic, you wouldn't believe it anyway. So you have to reach the goal with baby steps. Basically, go from what you don't want to what you want. Ask yourself, what do I want? And go in this direction. But slowly.

I highly recommend to read Ask and it is Given, there are several methods in there to change our thoughts to something more positive. They explain it better than I would.

IMO the point is not to control our emotions, but our thoughts. I find it even bad to control your emotions, if you don't change your thoughts.

[m18pak]

I learnt to think of my feelings as being vitally important messages from my body to me.

[seeker5]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

I highly recommend to read Ask and it is Given, there are several methods in there to change our thoughts to something more positive. They explain it better than I would.

Cool, I read it, but hadn't tried any of the stuff yet. Which ones did you find you liked the most? How long you been doing it?

I know what works best for you will probably be different then what works best for me, but getting an idea of what worked well for you could get me to push to try some of them myself

[Angela]

Originally Posted by seeker5

Cool, I read it, but hadn't tried any of the stuff yet. Which ones did you find you liked the most?

Seeker5, I really like the Rampage of Appreciation -- that one never fails to create a wonderful upward spiral for me.

[Rose of Cairo]

lol. Reading your post Seeker, I wanted to tell you "Ask Angela, she's the Inspirer here... I'm but a dreamer". Angela heard me before I wrote it and already answered Angela, Inspirer is better for you than Advocate indeed.

A perfect method to get rid of negative emotions by gradually bettering your thoughts is method 17.

I love methods 15, 12, 9, 6, 4, 3, 2.

When I feel bad, I use 18, 17, 16, 13.

Hope this motivates you to try them on your own! Reading Ask and it is Given without practicing the methods is like reading the instruction manual of your toaster and wonder why the bread is still white.

We had a 30 days trial about it in september. See here.
I'm still working on method 14 since then

[TheFlyingMan]

I think the best way to handle our emotions is to simply welcome them with our entire being, without judgement or condemnation, without acting on them. Feel them as they are - they are emotions, and that is how they are meant to be handled. Once we accept them, they slide off and lose their grip on us.

Positive thinking, and all that - very often they lead to repression.