The 'I'm ugly' belief

[dancer]

I was very moved by one of Angela's posts in another forum and considered sending her a PM, but decided to start a new post as perhaps others might benefit.

I too, have the 'I'm ugly' belief and would love to know how Angela dealt with it, step by step. Of course, I welcome all members' advice.

I cannot remember one specific memory, but I do remember my brothers telling me, on a daily basis, I was ugly. Part of me knows that I'm not ugly, but often when I look in the mirror, I say, you're ugly. There is also some father rejection in the mix.

I don't think I have tried to prove to the men in my life that I am beautiful, but I have used the aloof card or withdraw. Outside of bedroom situations, I hold back affection. Yeah, there is also an 'I'm unlovable' belief.

Please help.

[Rose of Cairo]

dancer, I don't need to see your face to know that you are beautiful and lovable, because when I read your posts I find you beautiful and love you!

[Guy665]

Hi Dancer,

If its any consolation the 'I am ugly' is a belief that I have been carrying around with me for along time. It is an awful belief it has held me back in my life. It became so ingrained in my head that I basically gave up even trying to talk or approach woman.

Although the belief is still quite ingrained in my brain I have found the following to be quite effective.

1. Every morning looking in the mirror and telling myself that 'I love myself' - amazingly this was very hard at the beginning but now I am starting to actually feel it.

2. Intensive exercise - Might not be for everyone but I have managed to get my body into fantastic shape and also the exercise releases endorphins, so i feel better and now genuinely like my body.

3. Meeting and approaching memebers of the opposite sex - Even though I still find this hard to do I have been quite surprised to find that talking to girls is actually fun and that some of them have made pleasant comments on my appearance. Now of course you can't rely on others peoples opinions to make you feel good. But when you are told by someone else that you are attractive/sexy it is a good feeling.

4. Complete and utter acceptance - There were times when I would look in the mirror and hate/loathe myself (because of my negative programming) then I realised I could spend the rest of my life feeling like this or I could just accept the this is the way I look and I can be happy with it.

Now I am not saying this is a miracle cure because I still have this belief to an extent lodged in my head however these steps have helped and one day I know I will believe that I am an attractive wonderful person.

Hope this helps.

[NotesMaeve]

^ Agreed with Rose.

There's a funny thing about beauty: Someone who was moderately attractive before love becomes amazingly beautiful in the context of love.

I have days where I don't like the way I look. Then I remember the qualities I have that people would kill a kitten to have.

There are such qualities about you that people want VERY badly. Keep that in mind when you start to feel insecure.

Then, remember, some things are in your control! I can take power over my body to nourish it with good food and exercise. I recently joined a gym, despite the fact I feel scared and fat working out in front of people. Tomorrow will make the third day I've gone. People are so nice and helpful. Every time I go I feel a little less frightened.

[TheFlyingMan]

I think it's a matter of low self esteem, and people telling you you're ugly, most likely from the past. Then you took it to heart, and started repeating it to yourself.

When I dealt with it, I didn't find any benefit in affirmations. Rather, I'd sit down and just feel the emotion completely, without htinking about it. I.e., through my body, not through my head.

The second thing was radical self acceptance. These are two things I focused on very much in my own growth and have written extensively about in my blog, if you are interested:

Emotions:
The elusive key to emotional mastery: Is it really that simple? » Personal Development - The Urban Monk

Self Acceptance:
The Flower of Love » Personal Development - The Urban Monk

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

dancer, I don't need to see your face to know that you are beautiful and lovable, because when I read your posts I find you beautiful and love you!

Thank you, Rose. I feel so overwhemed and am struggling with taking in your love. I am the fan of many at this site and you are one of the people I find insightful and love reading.

Originally Posted by Guy665

...But when you are told by someone else that you are attractive/sexy it is a good feeling.

I agree, but it is temporary. Even though I want to continue receiving compliments, I would like them to be reminders not something I do not really believe at my core. Angela gave me the hope of this being possible.

Thanks for the mirror exercise.

Originally Posted by NotesMaeve

There's a funny thing about beauty: Someone who was moderately attractive before love becomes amazingly beautiful in the context of love.

You are so RIGHT. I can't count the times people, of both sexes, have become beautiful in my eyes after I have got to know them. It works in the other direction, too.

Originally Posted by TheFlyingMan

I think it's a matter of low self esteem, and people telling you you're ugly, most likely from the past. Then you took it to heart, and started repeating it to yourself.

When I dealt with it, I didn't find any benefit in affirmations. Rather, I'd sit down and just feel the emotion completely, without htinking about it. I.e., through my body, not through my head.

The second thing was radical self acceptance. These are two things I focused on very much in my own growth and have written extensively about in my blog, if you are interested:

Agree, self-esteem is an issue.

Today, I bought 'The Power of Now' and instead of coming straight home, I travelled around on the underground and read. I've reached where he writes about observing emotions in the body. I'm still absorbing and need time to assimilate.

Thanks for your links. I'll definitely take a look at your blog.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Hey, dancer. I think I know where you are coming from as well. I am in fact struggling with the same thing now. There are moments where I see myself as beautiful, but there is also something deep down that tells me that's crazy. I look around and can see the beauty in others very easily, but it's hard to acknowledge that I may be beautiful as well. As Angela's post proves, it can be overcome. Take your time and get to the root of it. It looks like the taunting from your brothers and rejection from your father play a big part. Once you get to the source and the power this belief has over you is broken, you will be free to invent a new possibility for yourself with appreciation for your beauty and freedom to believe you are beautiful.

Maybe Angela will come here and enlighten us all! Until then I think you are fabulously beautiful and I wish you success in seeing that in yourself!

[Honeywith4bees]

Hey Dancer!

I don't have any pearls of wisdom for you on this, just an acknowledgment that many of us share the same struggle.

Sometimes my boyfriend will come over to my house and I'll be stuck in a self defeating thought pattern. He claims that when he looks in my eyes he can see a little green gremlin staring back at him from each pupil! He says he knows right at that moment who has their (evil) hold over me! It makes me feel terrible though, that we end up spending so much time ousting the gremlins, when we could just be enjoying ourselves. It's great that you want to find the root of the problem and breaks its hold over you! Good luck!

[dancer]

Aspiring & Honey, it sounds like you know exactly where I am coming from.

I may have started this post, but it is for all of us who hold this belief to benefit. Perhaps, we have different reasons for believing it in the first place, but I hope we share a solution. Wouldn't that be the greatest?

In a weird kind of way and possibility due to your support, I feel like I have been given a gift to work on this. Imagine how it will feel to conquer it?

Love

[JimOfferman]

Hey dancer,

Just wanted to add that I too had a long battle with the 'I am ugly' belief. During my freshman year in high school, a total lack of self worth along with glasses, braces and acne made the bullies of my day to unanimously declare me the ugly duckling of class. Even though the pestering went away pretty quickly (I suspect because those bullies all needed my help to not flunk their English classes), I felt I looked hideous and unlovable for many years after that.

I eventually dealt with those feelings by writing a song called 'This Is Me' (in late '99) about how I thought I ought to feel about myself:

When you look at yourself in the mirror
Are you proud of what you're seeing?
Can you smile and say: this is me
'Cause only when you look at yourself that way
Your life will be as it was meant to be

Writing those five lines down was the biggest favor I ever did to myself. Turned my life around!

In all honesty, it took a few more years for the message to really sink in, but at least nowadays I can look into a mirror without shame. Hope you can turn that belief around a little quicker than I did...

See you soon, on the other side, where everyone is beautiful!

love,
Jim.

[cbreeze]

Critical/judgemental parents will leave one with self doubt, maybe self loathing instead of self loving. That was me. I was convinced I wasn't pretty enough, therefore unacceptable and projection is felt by everyone and rejection only added to belief and angry I wasn't drop dead gorgeous. It was really about power and ego/fear based.

I recently went to an intensive quantum science school - there were 800-900 ppl there from all over the world. The cutest guys I'd ever seen, I was now living with in an arena for eleven days. NO MIRRORS WERE THERE NOR MAKEUP ALLOWED - freak out city. I wore a baseball cap most of the time and didn't make small talk coz I felt hideous. At the end, I got so used to being w/o makeup that it didn't matter. I made more friends during those days and felt so good with myself and chose not to wear makeup upon flying back. Went to the provisions bar to kill six hour lay over and had a blast with all the ppl there and was given a few business cards (maybe they were drunk, yukyuk) but, my point is, It's all about confidence and how you express/carry yourself - you'll shine. Energy is all that matters and with it we can create the maleable flesh and face into a beautiful one if you prefer focusing on that. I'm sure you are beautiful, everyone is, in fact their own beautiful and unique self. Be/live brilliantly.

[Amanda Norris]

I have always had a problem thinking of myself as beautiful. I think I'm not extremely ugly, but sometimes when I look in the mirror I will think I look pretty ugly, and other times I'll think I look presentable, but I never think I'm gorgeous. No one ever told me I was ugly, and my Mom and other nice older ladies would sometimes compliment the way I look, but I could always reason that away by thinking that they're only saying that to be nice and because they like me, but they don't actually think I'm beautiful.
I like Shakespeare's Sonnet 130 because it gave me hope that someone could love me even if I'm not perfectly beautiful. Love doesn't have to be conditional on beauty.
But recently as I've been trying out the Subjective Reality belief system, I have been identifying myself less and less with this human body I occupy, and more and more with the eternal consciousness. So one day I practiced thinking "I'm perfect". Amanda, this body I have, isn't perfect, but "I" am perfect. "There's nothing wrong with me, I am complete and whole and perfect." That really made it easy to be confident. I behaved the way someone with really high self-esteem would. And you know what? A cute guy on the bus smiled at me and struck up a conversation and told me I had a really nice smile, etc. And I believed him. I really did feel beautiful. What a difference a change in attitude can make!

William Shakespeare
SONNET 130

My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun;
Coral is far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are dun;
If hairs be wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white,
But no such roses see I in her cheeks;
And in some perfumes is there more delight
Than in the breath that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her speak, yet well I know
That music hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a goddess go;
My mistress, when she walks, treads on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false compare.

[wellbeing]

Wow, Dancer! Look at how many of us have struggled with these same feelings! (Me, I find some comfort in not being alone in this struggle.)

One method that works for me: whenever you hear that thought in your head or feel that feeling (for me, it's in the pit of my stomach), just say "That's incorrect." (Sometimes I get wordy, along the lines of: "That's your opinion and MY opinion is that you are wrong.") When we were children oftentimes, we weren't able to defend ourselves against the people and their thoughts around us. These people weren't right in everything they did/said/believed. As a adult, you can protect yourself against all that.

Use this and the other good advice above repeatedly and I'm sure this issue will soften up enough around you so that you can start to see the ample evidence (like this thread!) that your brothers et. al. were wrong.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

I eventually dealt with those feelings by writing a song called 'This Is Me' (in late '99) about how I thought I ought to feel about myself:

When you look at yourself in the mirror
Are you proud of what you're seeing?
Can you smile and say: this is me
'Cause only when you look at yourself that way
Your life will be as it was meant to be

Writing those five lines down was the biggest favor I ever did to myself. Turned my life around!
love,
Jim.

Jim, thank you for sharing your text. It has a great message. It speaks deeper than the physical appearance. Have you considered getting it out to kids or teens? Have you recorded it? Would love to hear it.

[Rose of Cairo]

dancer, I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. I know I'm very impulsive and tend to overwhelm people with "too much feeling", in rl too. Some even think I am in love with them although I'm not Please don't care, that's just how I am!

[dancer]

Originally Posted by cbreeze

Critical/judgemental parents will leave one with self doubt, maybe self loathing instead of self loving. That was me. I was convinced I wasn't pretty enough, therefore unacceptable and projection is felt by everyone and rejection only added to belief and angry I wasn't drop dead gorgeous. It was really about power and ego/fear based.

.... I'm sure you are beautiful, everyone is, in fact their own beautiful and unique self. Be/live brilliantly.

cbreeze, you sum up the emotions to a 't'.
Have you read: The Flower of Love » Personal Development - The Urban Monk? FlyingMan and Tolle address the ego and it makes so much sense.

Originally Posted by Amanda Norris

So one day I practiced thinking "I'm perfect". Amanda, this body I have, isn't perfect, but "I" am perfect. "There's nothing wrong with me, I am complete and whole and perfect." That really made it easy to be confident. I behaved the way someone with really high self-esteem would. And you know what? A cute guy on the bus smiled at me and struck up a conversation and told me I had a really nice smile, etc. And I believed him. I really did feel beautiful. What a difference a change in attitude can make!

SR is new to me, but the more I read about it, I feel it is something I'm attracted to. Has your "I'm perfect" become part of your life? Thanks for sharing.

Originally Posted by wellbeing

Wow, Dancer! Look at how many of us have struggled with these same feelings! (Me, I find some comfort in not being alone in this struggle.)

One method that works for me: whenever you hear that thought in your head or feel that feeling (for me, it's in the pit of my stomach), just say "That's incorrect." (Sometimes I get wordy, along the lines of: "That's your opinion and MY opinion is that you are wrong.") When we were children oftentimes, we weren't able to defend ourselves against the people and their thoughts around us. These people weren't right in everything they did/said/believed. As a adult, you can protect yourself against all that.

Use this and the other good advice above repeatedly and I'm sure this issue will soften up enough around you so that you can start to see the ample evidence (like this thread!) that your brothers et. al. were wrong.

The stupid thing in all of this is that my brothers were just teasing me. They love me. It reminds me of "Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never hurt me*. How wrong ist that? I must have sang that a million times when I was a child.

I, too, am going to get wordy with my belief. Thanks

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Rose of Cairo

dancer, I'm sorry, it wasn't my intention to make you feel uncomfortable. I know I'm very impulsive and tend to overwhelm people with "too much feeling", in rl too. Some even think I am in love with them although I'm not Please don't care, that's just how I am!

Rose, your message was full of gifts. Really! Feeling overwhelmed was me not feeling worthy, coupled with being in the sensitive time of the month. I love as you are.

[Tigerlilly]

Originally Posted by cbreeze

but, my point is, It's all about confidence and how you express/carry yourself - you'll shine. Energy is all that matters and with it we can create the maleable flesh and face into a beautiful one if you prefer focusing on that.

It's great to read all these posts. For me it was my Mom, she doesn't have high self esteem about herself really, and you know what they say, you can't give what you don't have, and when I look back I'm still pretty amazed at how cruel parents can end up being while telling you that they're just being "realistic".

So all through my teenage time and for long years afterwards I thought of myself as an ugly duckling. Whenever anyone expressed something contrary to that belief I thought he was just being kind and lying. At times I was struggling with self-hatred so intense I felt like skinning myself just to get out of this prison that was my human body.

And then I had some time on my hands and invested it in self-growth though in the area of creative fulfillment, yet what happened was that I started feeling better and better about myself, cause I admitted to my dreams and actively was moving in the direction towards them, it was like a spiral upwards. I shed weight without trying like it was a shell I no longer needed, I got rid of old stuff, people that held me back, I envisioned a brighter life and future, and loved doing stuff like the magic box and all that just for fun, it was like being a kid again.

And what happened was that as a pretty startling side effect suddenly guys suddenly seemed to notice me wherever I went. I was feeling fabulous, high on energy and suddenly I got cars honking and cat whistles and the cutest guys were flirting with me, telling me how cute I am and asking me out.

So the lesson I learned from that is the one I quoted above from cdbreeze, cause that's absolutely true. And it's not the love coming to you from other people that transforms you, but the energy of love inside that really does shine through you, that radiates from you, makes you glow and draws others to you like bees to honey.

[Angela]

Hey, Dancer (and all you others with an "I'm ugly" belief)......

Take a look back at your past, and see if you can pinpoint the very earliest time you felt ugly (or the feeling that being ugly evokes for you.)

Maybe you were a little kid; maybe you were an adolescent. Remember the very earliest time. It was a moment, not a time frame. What time of day was it? How old were you? Who was there? What happened? What was said?

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Angela

Hey, Dancer (and all you others with an "I'm ugly" belief)......

Take a look back at your past, and see if you can pinpoint the very earliest time you felt ugly (or the feeling that being ugly evokes for you.)

Maybe you were a little kid; maybe you were an adolescent. Remember the very earliest time. It was a moment, not a time frame. What time of day was it? How old were you? Who was there? What happened? What was said?

I am extremely frustrated and feel like throwing a fit and it feels like it might be related to this post... I was prone to temper tantrums when I was a kid.

Regardless, I cannot remember the first moment. I've given it a lot of thought, I've asked for it to come in a dream, etc. Do you have a workaround or suggestion?

Some of my resistance may be due to deciding, not so long ago, that it was a waste of time hashing up the past.

[dancer]

Originally Posted by JimOfferman

Well, I do play the song at almost every gig and have made a few recordings already. Here is the latest and greatest version: This Is Me

Thank you so much for linking your song. Love it. Also, love 'Sun'.

[Angela]

Originally Posted by dancer

I am extremely frustrated and feel like throwing a fit and it feels like it might be related to this post... I was prone to temper tantrums when I was a kid.

Regardless, I cannot remember the first moment. I've given it a lot of thought, I've asked for it to come in a dream, etc. Do you have a workaround or suggestion?

Some of my resistance may be due to deciding, not so long ago, that it was a waste of time hashing up the past.

Oh, yeah, dancer, you are definitely on to something big! It's perfect where you are. Start there. This feeling of being extremely frustrated and feeling like throwing a fit? having a temper tantrum? That is it. That's what you're looking for the earliest time you can remember being that way. How old were you? Who was there? What happened? What was said?

p.s., if you can't remember the earliest time, don't worry. Remember the last time. Then remember the time before that, and so on, and go back as far as you can. I think you'll find that your later memories will trigger earlier memories. It amy take some time, and you may want to journal about it, read what you've written, and be open to what comes up for you in reading.

[JimOfferman]

Originally Posted by dancer

Thank you so much for linking your song. Love it. Also, love 'Sun'.

You're welcome! Thanks for the compliments!

[dancer]

Originally Posted by Angela

Oh, yeah, dancer, you are definitely on to something big! It's perfect where you are. Start there. This feeling of being extremely frustrated and feeling like throwing a fit? having a temper tantrum? That is it. That's what you're looking for the earliest time you can remember being that way. How old were you? Who was there? What happened? What was said?

p.s., if you can't remember the earliest time, don't worry. Remember the last time. Then remember the time before that, and so on, and go back as far as you can. I think you'll find that your later memories will trigger earlier memories. It amy take some time, and you may want to journal about it, read what you've written, and be open to what comes up for you in reading.

I have never, ever felt so much relief as I did when I read your post. The past few days have been tough and I've come so close to seriously throwing a wobbler. I'm committed to getting to the bottom of this and am so grateful for your advice.

Question: When I take a look at this how much should I allow myself to feel? I don't want to wallow and get stuck in victim mode, but obviously I'm prepared to dig into the dirt and get dirty.

A few memories came up, as I'm writing this, plus I also remember something my Mum told me about something that happened when I was a kid. I've no idea of how old I was as I have no memory of the incident nor of even telling my mother. It shocked me when she told me and we talked about stuff around it and didn't go into how old I was and such details. I've a sneaking suspicion it is the memory I'm looking for.

This was quite a hateful thing and I'm sure it did damage. I'd sure like to clear it, even if I don't manage to remember it.

[4Mind4Life]

Try using affirmations, this will help replace negative beliefs with more positive ones. Thinking that you're ugly is a self-esteem issue...Try some of the very helpful suggestions that have been given. I personally have had much success w/ taking fish oil daily 3x. I take the Nature's Made brand and like it. If you are interested in trying meditation, I think it would do you a lot of good. I also think that listening to a positive thinking self-hypnosis everyday for 15-30 min. would help a lot as well....There's really a lot of options for overcoming this belief.

[Angela]

dancer, allow yourself to feel what you feel when you get to your memory. But feel what your child self felt; try not to get bogged down in your adult-style analysis and knowledge. By feeling your kid-feelings, you'll get deeper into the memory, and the process will yield more valuable results. Don't worry -- you don't have to dwell or linger in those feelings -- I know it can be really scary -- you just want to allow yourself to get to that memory and all the sensations and feelings that your little girl self was experiencing.

I recommend not going down the path of what Mum remembers -- that's her story, not yours. Your stuff lives in what you remember. It's ok if mum's stuff triggers a memory, but just watch to see that you're not just buying into an incident that is her own to deal with, ok? It may take some time for you to get there, but be nurturing to yourself, and you will get there when you're ready.

By the way, I've named my process: LEG-work! It stands for Looking (which is what you're doing now), Examining and Generating (those two things are done via a one to two hour phone call). LEG-work is a good way to look at it, because YOU have to do the legwork of boldly looking, examing and generating, and my job is to coach you by asking questions and listening generously. Relatively, I think it's a pretty fast way to get to the root of old pain, examine it, and create something for yourself that works better!

Thanks for your so courageously going there, dancer. I know it is confronting, and all kinds of feelings can come up. Coming up is a good thing!

lots of love,
Angela

[dancer]

Angela, thank you for your words of encouragement. This issue has obviously been a part of my life, but was never a priority because I've fumbled along regardlessly. If I'm really honest, it has always felt like a shallow issue to work on. But, posting this issue and asking for help has turned me inside out and I find it is not so shallow, afterall.

I started reading Tolle at the same time and recognise I went into the pain body with this. I'm no longer there, but by no means do I think I've overcome the belief and everything it stands for. It was a great time to read Tolle as I'm getting an understanding of being an observer of my thoughts -doing the 'Looking' part of your LEG process. I've also been writing down my memories.

... so, I'm a work in process. My heart is full of gratitude to all who have posted and support me. Thank you.

[roxanne]

have you ever heard of the unattractive girl that gets all the attention at the party? How does she do it!? CONFIDENCE. Its not hard to come by. I am sure that you do amazing things on a daily basis. The more secure you are about yourself, (without being cocky) the more attractive you are. Kind of like with guys.... heeheh. Just accept yourself as who you are and others will too. I think you' re great. wink

Roxanne

[angies]

Count me in.

Mine believe came from growing up with a group of beautiful girls as best friends and a bunch of goreous sisters. Constantly seeing your best friends and sisters got the guys and you just got left with the underable ones.

As we grow older I no longer hand out with the old best friends and my sisters and I are growing older differently. Now I don't feel so ugly standing next to them, but almost their equal. But many times when I told friends that I am the ugliest sister in the family, they said "No way". I guess so much for self perception.

Now I decided to make the best with what I got and be the best I can be and accept the rest. I feel much happier these days. I still have the bad days.

[shy talk]

Dancer.....

Some people are ugly. It's a fact of life, as some people are intelligent, some are sort, tall, redheaded, black, white etc.

If you are attractive it is a positive advantage, man or woman, and there is no getting away from that. Attractiveness is a kind of stored-up attention.

I am one of those guys that isn't 'ugly' per se, but seem to have all of the things the opposite sex doesn't particularly feel attarction too - slighty below average height, balding, inclined to be, though not overweight, paleish skin that doesn't like the sun, not muscular or well built.

Oh dear, poor me.......still I've been married (twice), and had some good relationships with women, some plain, some "attractive" and two who were drop-dead gorgeous.......lucky me.......

It still does not help though when this happens......I play in a band and one of the guys is a 6' 4" typical tall dark handsome type. Often (almost always) at the end of a gig after I have sung 40 or 50 songs and lead most of the music (not clever, just my role in the band) everyone, female and male goes over and thanks him or congratulates him if the gig has gone well! That's the sort of thing attractiveness does for you, and there's no getting away from it.

For as much as I have (had to) work on personality and humour, which is great if I have time in a woman's company, the problem for plain / ugly people is that they never even get to first base in relationships, whereas attractive people have almost a guarantee of introduction and attention, at least initially. Attractive people are seen as more fun, better company, and well, just attractive!

Thing is whilst encouraging support is nice, it doesn't make the problem go away! Whoever you are you KNOW instictively hoe attractive you are on the ubiquitous one to ten scale.

I think the only solution is to accept what you are and how things are, in the same way that you may accept you will not be a gifted artist or professional sports player, and use the 'freed up' energies towards another achievable life goal.

It will never make you beautiful, but it will give you another kind of happiness and sense of self-worth.

All the best