How to move beyond merely 'enduring'?

[Susie]

deleted for personal reasons

[Brutha]

What does s.o. stand for? Boyfried/Girlfriend?

Do you speak the local language?

How about getting a local job or join some club to get around people?

[Love]

Hi Susie.

I can understand that frustration. On the one hand, you want to be with your S.O., but on the other hand you're in a country that doesn't suit you.
I lived outside the US for a while too--in a tiny town. Getting close to the end of my time there, I couldn't take it anymore. I counted days too. I ended up leaving that country a month earlier than planned because I didn't want to deal with it. I think it was a great decision and I have no regrets. However, you have a s.o. there, so your situation is different. Well, before I left, I tried more to involve myself more with the local people, participate more. And I spoke the language, so that helped. Can you try to explore the country that you're in? What's there to see? What's something that you can learn to do while you're there? What does that country make best? Where's the best restaurant in town? etc. Check out that tiny museum in your town. These little things can help the time go by faster.

[Erki]

Originally Posted by Brutha

What does s.o. stand for? Boyfried/Girlfriend?

I think s.o. means significant other.

[Susie]

deleted for personal reasons

[Radical]

I got an idea, watch the film The Shawshank Redemption. That is a great movie to give you hope.

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

[Susie]

Thanks for your replies everyone. Like I wrote earlier I reread Steve's article Overcoming Depression and am trying out that advice. It's what I did today and it was successful so far. I DO have an almost constant barrage of negative thoughts these days, it was nice to catch them when they cropped up and give myself a mental vacation! Here are some quotes from the article (is it okay to quote from articles here?):

Your circumstances are NOT the true source of your depression. The true source of your depression is your attention… specifically your habit of putting your attention on what you don’t want.

...The solution is to withdraw your attention from what depresses you and place it on what makes you feel really, really good. If you’re chronically depressed, however, it’s possible that virtually nothing in your life makes you feel good. Your whole situation may be unpleasant from top to bottom. So in that case you need to withdraw your attention from your external environment and plug into your imagination. Within your mind’s eye, you must construct completely imaginary circumstances that make you feel good when you think about them. Then spend more of your time focusing your attention on your imaginary creations and less of your time observing external reality...

...Obviously you’ll still need to attend to your basic needs and deal with certain external problems as best you can, but only devote the bare minimum attention to them. Give your problems no more attention than is absolutely necessary to keep your head above water. Then spend the rest of your time withdrawing into your imagination.

The tough part WILL be when I'm sitting down to work out my plans in more detail, but at least when I'm not sitting down and doing that I can take a break from all the heaviness/depression I feel. So far, so good.

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Yeah - i like Steve's comments too. I learnt Philosophy at the School of Philosophy a few years ago, and they did a beautiful demonstration of this. On the whiteboard they wrote, RAGE and JOY. Turned off the lights and shone a torch on RAGE, and it was all we could see. Shone the torch on JOY, and that was all we could see. Can you imagine the difference it made?

Another thought - think in 5 years time, how you'd like to look back on this time, and be it!

[Susie]

Originally Posted by ReallyGoodIdeas

Another thought - think in 5 years time, how you'd like to look back on this time, and be it!

ReallyGoodIdeas,
That IS a really good idea! I'm serious. I hadn't thought about approaching it that way before. I think that might really help motivate me to make the best of this situation. Thank you!

[AndyMartin]

Susie,

Have you read The Power of Now, by Eckhart Tolle? I'm not one to promote any book as a definitive truth; it's more my way to figure out what's useful and in what situations. This is a brilliant book for the sort of situation you're in right now. The basic idea is that so much of our suffering--all of it really--comes from resistance to what is now. That comes in our attachments to the past and future, which usually come in the form of fear or longing. But when we experience only the present moment, we realize that those things that make us unhappy simply are, the way that red is red and wet is wet. It's our response to them that determines whether we're happy or unhappy. So by learning to be fully present, to fully accept what we're experiencing as simply red or wet without applying judgment, we can fundamentally change our experience of it.

Anyway, it might not resonate with you the way it did with me, but it's an interesting read at any rate.

Good luck!
Andy

[shesaboutspirit]

Along with all of the great advice here, I find it helps to ask for Divine help too. Whatever works with your belief system. It's the easiest thing to forget to do but can be the miraculous assistance that you might need.

The five year thing is too far for my brain, but I do well visualizing sort of a bridge to the other side of what I'm dreading. Maybe it just keeps me from staring at the endured thing...which just makes it feel bigger.

Finding simple daily pleasures and lots of em helps me. Baby steps, I suppose. After all, that's what a day is made up of, right? The small events in your day, when really tended to with heart, will keep you in that Now that Andy talks about. It improves the moment and the time will actually seem to go quicker when you're present.

Sending blessings your way, hope it helps.

Pam

[Susie]

deleted for personal reasons

[ReallyGoodIdeas]

Chin up Susie! Even if you have to wait for Amazon to deliver it, why not order it anyway? It's a good read! :-)

[Alvin]

Originally Posted by Radical

I got an idea, watch the film The Shawshank Redemption. That is a great movie to give you hope.

"If you lose hope, somehow you lose the vitality that keeps life moving, you lose that courage to be, that quality that helps you go on in spite of it all. And so today I still have a dream."
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

That's a beautiful quote, Radical

When I was of age, I was conscripted into our country's army, it's a mandatory 2 and a half years of service here.

Being the artistic rebellious type, you could tell how I fitted in to the rigid structures of the military. I hated it (and ahem, so do a LOT of others inside, more than any publicist will ever let on).

Everyone of us found that at the beginning, the best thing to do was to forget about the time left ahead, or else we'd go crazy. Just live one day at a time, look forward to the weekends out and do whatever you can to keep yourself moving forward.

What did make it easier was for me to do 2 things:

1) To remember that I could be ordered to do anything I didn't want to, but I could not be made to think or feel anything I didn't want to. You realize real quick how true it is that the first and last freedom we have is all inside our heads, where no-one can make you do anything you don't choose.

2) To find what brings you joy and make yourself follow it. I've always loved reading fantasy books, so during that time to make me keep going I kept my enthusiasm alive by devouring tons of fantasy books in my spare time. They gave me something to look forward to, which was important.

Ideally, you'd want to do something constructive, but if you're in a bad place right now, give yourself the permission to take baby steps. What are the things that have always brought you zest, fun and enthusiasm in life?

[Dating Specialist]

How about your relationship with your husband? Are you getting what you want from your marriage and your husband?

Does he know how unhappy you are? If he did, are you both doing something to work on this together?

I hope these questions help too. As I feel a husband's support and love could help you to see some roses in a bed of weeds.

[shesaboutspirit]

I picked up the book on tapes of The Power of Now a while back at Discount Books. What a bargain I found that day. Even the author's voice alters my mood instantly. He is one of those rare individuals... He speaks the truth very, very well.

[ABlix]

Get some friends, don't be afraid of not having a girlfriend. The media tries to portray that you need girls to be happy for entertaintment, but see the thing is - all there really is what is in front of you at the moment. So, if you need friends - don't be afraid to ask! Hi, guys - I'm new. I don't have any friends. I moved in from another country. Some may reject you, because hey - it can be interesting seeing a new character, but dude - that's how you find the perfect friends for you.

[Susie]

Originally Posted by ABlix

Get some friends, don't be afraid of not having a girlfriend. The media tries to portray that you need girls to be happy for entertaintment, but see the thing is - all there really is what is in front of you at the moment. So, if you need friends - don't be afraid to ask! Hi, guys - I'm new. I don't have any friends. I moved in from another country. Some may reject you, because hey - it can be interesting seeing a new character, but dude - that's how you find the perfect friends for you.

Thanks for your suggestion, but I'm a married woman. I do need girls (friends) to be happy though, hehe. At least it certainly enhances life.

[Cassie]

Hi Susie, I can relate. I lived abroad in a non-english speaking country for four years. It was horrible to integrate at first. Many of my friends spoke flawless english but they'd (naturally) switch over to their native tongue when we all were out. I couldn't understand a word on television or read a newspaper. The culture had very different social standards and I had to learn them as I went along. It was very difficult for me to adjust. I picked up much of the language over the years, but the first year was horrid.

The good news is that you will be coming home soon for a few weeks. I think spiritually this will give you a rejuvenation period. If I may ask, where are you staying? Is your husband aware of how unhappy you currently are?

My biggest saving grace was networking with other english speaking expats. It gave me a safe place to turn to when I felt overwhelmed and homesick.

Try to view each day as a beautiful blessing and not a curse. You'll be home soon! Don't be afraid to post with your 'ramblings', as you call them. I know only too well a bit of what you're feeling right now. It does help to talk, so please keep us updated on how you're doing.

*warm hugs*

[Nicketas]

1] Eliminate your co-dependence on your S.O. and change that to INTERDEPENDENCE. In order for your relationship to survive you need to be able to safely seperate and re-attach to your partner at will (always temporarily, of course). If you keep clinging you'll suck your relationship dead.
Go to work on developing healthy connected separate-ness.

2] Get the ************ out of the country you're in, whatever it takes, whatever the cost You're obviously not happy there, S.O. or not.

3] You don't need to sacrifice your own happiness for someone else and no one has the right to ask that of you. If you find yourself constantly martyring yourself for your partner, it's time to leave.