does anyone ever feel the same way?

[purplephilosopher]

let me first say that I'm only 18 years old with a long way to go
i can't say i'm completely disconnected from society
but yet a part of me rejects it (for its shallowness and corruption) and i refuse to conform (one must find his/her path in this world to attain true happiness, true worth, w/e you wish to call it)
looking back, throughout middle school and high school, i was quite a shy and introverted kid but because of society's pressures, i *tried* to conform (without realizing it) much to my detriment (for ex, i tried making more friends, talking more; i believed happiness was a product of this and that)
and the more i did that, the more unhappy i became; sure, i was somewhat successful but it did not do anything for me INTERNALLY, which is ultimately most important
so here I am, freshman year in college, and I feel like I'm on my own island (even though I know I'm not)
i've been doing my own thing so far this first semester (developing a solid exercise routine, solidifying my academic foundation/performing well in classes, and thinking about life <-- this is something i really wish to stop doing soon)
and i have kept myself away from others - to preserve my introvert self and all its talents from further "waste" and "damage" - because i don't think i could continuously withstand the pressures of society
i'm not trying to isolate myself; i'm trying to learn more about my true self before it's all lost, buried by the images society has imprinted in me
but this process is wearing me down...i wonder if I'll ever find what is uniquely me in me and if I don't...then I really am lost and alone in this world...
i've talked to my parents, my brother, some of my friends about my views, and not one of them seems to have any idea what I'm talking about
am I just really so different from everyone else and why do i think so much?
it's just that sometimes i wish i could let it all go and just fade away into some distant place or that the process of life could just be "natural" like everyone else's lives
idk...idk...i THINK i have a direction (with my goals) but i don't really FEEL it
and if you asked me when was the last time i was genuinely happy... i couldn't tell you... does it feel like sometimes we're living in a world where there's pleasure and no happiness or laughs and smiles but no happiness behind those?
and if these are really my views (yes, they are) and the majority of the people around me don't share these views, where am I? who am I? then what?

thanks for reading!

[Tayrak]

I'm not sure that you can isolate yourself from the world. I know what you are talking about. You don't want to have everything around you influence you and change you. So you believe that by keeping yourself seperate you will stay true to yourself. You're afraid of becoming like everyone else. In fact you won't. We change, we grow, we become more of ourselves. Even if we were to totally isolate ourselves in a glass cage, we would change. We are not static and we can't force ourselves to be. But we have choices we can make. We can have terrible things happen to us and still be a good person. We can have a wonderful life and still be selfish. You see what I mean, we have the choice to become what we want.
We will be influenced, even rocks are worn by wind and rain, but we can remain true to ourselves if that is what we want.
You become more of yourself when you share in the rest of the world. No matter what you do you will change, embrace that change.

[ZHereford]

Hey purplephilosopher,

One of life's paradoxes is that you learn more about yourself by exposing yourself to a variety of people and experiences.

To hide from life is to deny yourself the opportunity to learn how you would react to and handle adversity, fun, challenge etc.

If you cut yourself off you stagnate, become delusional and lose perspective. Courage and resilience are built by living life, not running away. Have a look at Be True To Yourself if you're afraid of losing yourself.

[joelyle]

http://home.earthlink.net/~grharmon/I_Am_That.pdf

I have not read any posts in this thread except the original.

This book has been the high water mark in my spiritual journey; I realize that it may not resonate with you at this point; but I believe when it does: you will have happiness through peace. The suffering we create for ourselves (and others) is tied to our attachments (things, ideas, people). When attachments are dropped: we can go anywhere and do anything and have peace. We are peaceful just to be; the external aspects become irrelevant. I have learned the downside of attachments the hard way. I wish you protection from suffering.

[Enlightenment]

Hi Purple,
You are so lucky to be such an insightful, intelligent and aware person at your age! Don't lose that to superficial pressures of trying to conform. I was just like you and lost 20 years of my life trying to conform. But the sad part is, that as a child, I was quite curious, creative, and interested in the world around me.
I remember, at 7, being very philisophical: my twin and I would ask questions like, 'What is it like (existentially) to be you and not me?'. That was easy since we were twins, but people just thought we were weird. I look back now and realise that we weren't weird, we were just us, and we stiffled that curousity for the next 3 decades.
So, keep reading these boards and don't go out of your way to conform. I mean be pleasant but do not hang out with poeple who you feel don't or never will 'get' you. Please don't waste your time.
It's ok to be different, everyone is anyway.
E

[DarkSociologist]

Hi Purple,

Sounds like you are on your way to becoming a hero. In the heroic journey, there comes a time where the (not yet) hero travels away from his familiar life and enters into the darkness to confront himself (herself). This is the darkest time, where he is either destroyed or finds his true strength. If the hero is able to pass this test, then he re-emerges into the real world with a newfound power.

If you are a fan of StarWars, then this is the time in Luke's Jedi training when he goes into the dark forest to fight a Darth Vader figure only to find that it is actually himself.

So it's ok to take a break from the world to consult what's going inside of you. Once you figure it out, the important thing is re-emerging to share this gift with the world and make it a better place.

If you want to know a little more about the heroic journey, then read Joseph Campbell's book "Hero with a Thousand Faces" I read it over the summer and it's amazing if you look it from the perspective of human development, rather than just a generalization of myths.

[m18pak]

Purple, this is your dark night of the soul.

You are stirring in your sleep; you're about to wake up.

You are searching for direction, purpose, an answer.

Just have faith.

[hollowman]

Hi Purple...

I agree with Enlightenment. You are indeed insightful and aware of yourself.

What ZHereford says is true too. Indeed we need to expose ourselves to the world ourside to discover more of ourselves. We need to encounter new experiences to examine how our long-held values and principles respond to these experiences. Personally i think values and principles are susceptible to changes when the need arises. I used to have this idealistic 'Utopia' world that we live in and that i hold my ground on my values. Yet as i inevitably (so will you) come face to face with this world. I do sense a need to change my values and i do it. I wouldn't call myself conforming to the world, rather i adopt new strategy to move through this sometimes-sickening world. To this day, i hold on to certain values i believe is appropriate since i was in my teen age.

By the way, try not to look at the world as a God-forsaken place full of hypocrites, dirty politicians, liars, sinners of all sorts etc. There are people who are kind and pure in heart, and there are institutions that promotes good stuffs and sorts.

It is not easy but do 'embrace' the many ugly facets of the world. You dont have to fall prey. You will then be able to know yourself better as you struggle. Do look for the many beautiful facets of the world as well. It's when you look for it then you may find it. Don't give up on this world, Purple. It is a beautiful world if you care to look carefully.

Cheers