such an idiot i am!!!

[SenoritaBonita]

i am such an idiot. after all the lies and fights and problems, yes, you guess right - i took him back. we had a lovely weekend. too good to be true, just in time for me to find out that his dad was in toronto in early september (my bf only told me that his sister was visiting). we have been together for 2 and a half years, i never met his family. he met all my friends and my mom and my sister. i have never been introduced to his family/friends. and he never told me that his dad was in toronto. me and my bf weren't on the best terms in september, but why he never told me? he keeps on mentioning his sister almost every time and never said anything about his father being in toronto? i came across those pics on my bf's server and i was stunned. now, after him lying to me that his mom was his stepmom and not his real mother until i found out the truth. what is going on? why is he messing with my mind? i feel so crushed and cheated on. i come from a wonderful family where people are honest with each other. i feel so sad and betrayed. i want to ask him about it. now i'm wondering in what other areas he lies to me....how can i trust this person? twice he betrayed my trust. he tells me that i'm the love of his love and he wants to marry me. he's killing everything. any advice?

[DarkSociologist]

I'm not really sure what the situation is, so I'm only offering what I can understand. It seems that family is very important to you and that meeting your bf's family is an important step in the relationship. It also seems that you think he's been avoiding this step and has deceived you multiple times about his family.

Once again, I am not aware of the situation, so I am only going to offer possible interpretations that you might want to consider:

- About him telling you that his step mom is not his biological mom. It could be possible that he is close to his step mom and considers her as a real mother. My cousin is close with his step-dad and on occasion refers to him as his dad.

- About him not telling you that his father came to visit. It could be that he didn't think it was a big deal and gets more excited about his sister visiting than his father.

My interpretation of the events is that you place a higher value on the role that family plays in your life than he does. I would suggest that you guys talk about the differences in opinions about your families (such as how close you guys are to your family, how often you talk to them, etc).

I think it's just a difference in expectations and you cannot find an agreement until you know each other's expectations.

*Remember to find out what he thinks and under no circumstances should you approach him as if he did something wrong or he will get defensive and you guys will argue instead of trying to understand each other.

[Tayrak]

Just guessing here--you have made your family so great and so important, he can see that. Maybe his family isn't perfect and there is no way they can measure up and if you meet them you'll realize this and then you're out the door.
His father can be the worst person on earth and maybe your bf thought it was better if you didn't meet him. Maybe he thought it was better if you thought his mom was his 'real' mom. Maybe his sister is the only member of his family he dares let you meet.
Maybe you need to sit down and have a real long heart to heart. We can't pick our families. You got a good one, that isn't true of the rest of the world. He could just be scared of losing you.
Talk, then talk, then talk some more. Oh yeah, don't forget to listen.

[arithhuh]

Senorita,

I've got to tell you only one thing. Be careful, and don't jump to conclusions.

There are possibilities in both ways. So analyse the situation very carefully, and act well. Don't get shaken by what has happened - life is like that...it tires to shake us off our balance. Stay calm, cool, and act with a cool head. Don't do anything in a hurried up, hasty way.

But then, another thing I'd like to advise you is this - I know a friend who lied to all of us in a similar way...and broke all our trust and faith. But we had to investigate behind his back and catch him red-handed. But when we did investigate a lot of things came out which he had been hiding. On the other hand, I know a friend who hid things from us for silly reasons like an inferiority complex, and just cuz he was feeling shy.

So, it cud be anything. Think well, act wisely.

I hope things get resolved on your side. Don't get shaken by this my friend. Stay steady, and strong. We're all with you.

Best Wishes,
~ Aditya.

[Parthon]

This is probably going to sound really weird but I'll say it anyways.

To me it sounds like you are tying up whether or not you love him and whether or not you want to marry him into how honest he is with you. You also mentioned that your family places honesty very highly and so you might equate honesty with love in some way.

It does sound like you are two people with differing view of family, and the main problem is that you can't let him have his own view without attacking it, leading to fights and what not. Much of what you wrote says this loudly .. "what is going on? why is he messing with my mind? i feel so crushed and cheated on." and "twice he betrayed my trust. he tells me that i'm the love of his love and he wants to marry me. he's killing everything. any advice?"

Quite straightly, he has lied and probably will lie again, or at least omitted what you believe to be important communication, but it's not his lying that gets to you, it's that he is dishonest and you believe that hurts you. It's this hurt you act from, the sense of betrayal, which crumbles away the love you have for him. I don't doubt you love him, but if love disappears when he is dishonest, then it's either not real love or, more likely, you pull your love away from him because he lied, because you believe honesty *is* love.

I would like to say all the things you could say to him that would help, but I really do believe that before you do that, you need to seperate your love from your trust, his lies from your reactions to them and who he is for you from how he behaves sometimes. I can see you making him wrong for all those behaviours he really doesn't mean to do, and that doesn't do anyone any good. You can love someone, while at the same time not trust them.

Before you face him and his honesty problem, you'll have to work on your own first.

Sorry for the heavy handedness, but I saw something in what you said that could help you. I hope it helps you, Parthon.

[SenoritaBonita]

no worries - you're not too harsh or too straight-forward. in fact, i greatly appreciate that. yes, it bothers me so much. i asked him today if he was embarrassed by his family and he said yes. and also, he said that i'm very judgemental, so i guess he was trying to protect everyone in this case. himself from being torn between his family and me, myself from meeting them and feeling that they are not good enough and his family from being judged. only now i realize how his parents' divorce affected him - he is still very angry about that and doesn't want to talk about it either. he gets defensive a lot. i'm not perfect. yes, i'm demanding and very judgmental so this is something for me to work on. yet, it's honesty, dishonesty rather, that bothers me the most. family is essential for me and i see no love/family where there's no trust and honesty. i asked about those pics today (couldn't help it) and he said that it wasn't his father. lied again? i have photographic memory - i recognize people after many many years, older, different cuts. i came back home - he almost made me believe him and compared the pics again. once again, they were identical. i might be jumping the gun here, but i feel so lied to and cheated on. i never lied to him and this is the second major lie he told me. i don't care if his stepmom is not his biological mother (he calls her mom even though he met her 4 times in his life; he calls her that because he's happy for his father and happy that she makes his father happy). i value motherhood and parenthood very high and think those are the titles one must deserve. so i feel betrayed, especially after him deceiving me today yet again by telling me that it wasn't his dad. i'm an intelligent woman and i can put two and two together. by the way, he know that family is a BIG deal to me. he played dumb so we decided to put it off until later when i can show him those pictures and he can prove me wrong. god, please, help me be wrong! i beg! i want to be so wrong!

[SenoritaBonita]

of course i think love is honesty as well as so many other things - caring, compassion, support, reliability, trust and many many more. i'm trying to think in the long-run. yes, i do jump to conclusions fast. it's very simple in my mind. for example, if some is late to meet with me all the time i have the following sequence in my mind: late-didn't let me know-doesn't care-unreliable. i'm very heavy on communication and think it's the key. i respect him and it would never occur to me to deceive him just because i'm shy or embarrassed. i am a very strong woman and i have been through some toughness of my own in my life. i deal with things as they come and never afraid to face the trust, no matter how bad it is. my life philosophy is that no matter how bad it is, knowledge is power and at least i know where i'm standing - after that, it's up to me to make it better. i know that not everyone is that way. my parents taught me well not to lie and cheat. i'm very responsible and i respect other people to tell them the truth. of course i feel hurt and betrayed.

[DarkSociologist]

Hi SenoritaBonita,

For some reason, I was reminded of Juliet's monologue:

'Tis but thy name that is my enemy;
Thou art thyself, though not a Montague.
What's Montague? it is nor hand, nor foot,
Nor arm, nor face, nor any other part
Belonging to a man. O, be some other name!
What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title. Romeo, doff thy name,
And for that name which is no part of thee
Take all myself.