The root of social anxiety

[ZachHart72]

I have been finding latley that i have been suffering from a lot of social anxiety. Which i really wish would go away, and was wondering if anyon might be able to help with.

The problem, in simple terms, is that i believe fully that very rarley do people want to talk to me. Aside from my friends.

When i want to start a conversation with someone, i refrain, thinking, no, they dont want to talk to me. About to go visit someone...no, they dont want to hang out with me.

Another thing i noticed, is that in certain situations when people are talking to me, i feel as though im being patronized.

I also seem to assume that, without any evidence, certain people hate me, and never want to talk to me at all.

It is really causing me a lot of stress, because i would love to have more friends.

[mansell]

persoanlly i have no trouble with talking to any body so socialy i am secure. all i can do is offer you my views on talking to people.

i always get involved with conversation and try to relate to other when possible to enhance the conversation.
when i feel like talking to somebody or seeing somebody i will quickly find something random out of my head which i know i would find at least semi intresting myself and break out in conversation with sed person.

the best way is to not have boundrys and to just talk about and when you see fit....so good luck on solving this problem

[4Mind4Life]

The best thing you can do is dive right in. I recommend joining Toastmasters. I also recommend taking 3 grams of Fish Oil daily for at least 2 months and seeing if that helps. It eliminated my stress and anxiety.... I also recommend brainwave entrainment (check out "transparentcorp.com") in the alpha range to decrease stress / anxiety. This also helped me. If you can afford neurofeedback, this is probably the best way to go besides fish oil. Read the book "Feel The Fear...And Do It Anyways" By Susan Jeffers as well. Force yourself to be around people constantly and just say things that come to mind. Act more outgoing, try to think positively. I know it is tough to do with anxiety, but it is very possible.

Try my advice, let me know how it works out for you after a few months. (I think you will overcome this problem!)

[Fullcrum]

These are different frames and beliefs that, when internalized, give the best social results.

1. Anticipate acceptance.
Only weird and defeated people anticipate rejection. Most social rejection is caused when you anticipate it, like a self-fulfilling prophecy. So anticipate acceptance. Your tone of voice will generally be firm and dominant but positive. You'd have to hear that tone and style of talking to really understand, but I'm sure you've heard it before. Think of how the most social people you know, as well as how the coolest people in the world (think celebrities or famous leaders) talk, compared to people you know are more stifled, less social, more awkward, etc.

2. My game is a TEN!
This, when fully internalized, will produce the most drastic change to your internal dialogue. When you ask yourself if you can do something socially, you go, "Yeah, of course, my game's a ten." Should I talk to that person (you know you want to )? "Hell yeah, my game's a ten!"

3. Everyone's your friend.
If they act "not friendly", oh well, they'll act friendly later. After all, they're your friends. This is a very useful self-fulfilling prophecy. Trust me, implement this for a few days and nights and see what results you get. Treat everyone like buddies.

4. I do not give a damn about what anyone thinks of me.
This is so key. Filters of insecurity, like being paranoid, nervous, stifled, having fear of giving yourself to the world, or fear of letting go, are caused by caring what people think of you. You judge yourself through the eyes of others. Stop that ****. It only hurts you. This is also useful internal dialogue. It'll also unmask many filters of insecurity that you have.

5. I give value. Wherever I am, I am there fully.
Think of the coolest and most cheerful people you know. When they talk, act, and interact in general, they're giving value. You know that they're present and totally engaged in the situation. These people do not need to be funny, have the best remarks, be the smartest, or anything of the sort that can be quantified. They have the highest inherent value and give it freely to all those around them. Those cool people, just by them being around, it makes everyone fell better. They add to the interaction. They add VALUE! They give value WITHOUT EXPECTING ANYTHING IN RETURN! This is key. Expecting anything in return is REACTION-SEEKING which is the death of any real flow. Reaction seeking has you stuck inside your head. You give value expecting no reaction. If you get it, great. If not, oh well, you're MOVING ON!

6. I entertain MYSELF, not others.
This key turns you not just into a social dude, but a real social monster, like a celebrity without the fame. Honestly, you have to see this in action to believe it. When you adopt this frame, all those evil needy reaction-seeking behaviors will be gone, because you entertain YOURSELF, you don't dance around hoping for otehrs approval by entertaining others.

Have fun with these mindsets dude! I recommend implementing one by one, in the order that I have listed them, or whatever order you feel is right. As a dude who transformed from totally shy to being able to fully PROJECT myself for the sheer enjoyment of it in all situations, these things helped me the most.

The most important thing is to take action. Change your thoughts while taking action, become more present at all times, and you're all set to GO!

[thesnowyeti]

ahh zach i know exactly what you mean and i feel the same way. i'm gonna watch this thread because i'm also struggling with social anxiety, especially the feeling that i'm being patronized. it's become such a bad paranoia because there's no way to know for sure if i'm right or wrong... any more suggestions, anybody? i'm sure many people will benefit from this thread.

[openeyes]

Originally Posted by thesnowyeti

any more suggestions, anybody?

Work on becoming the kind of person you know you'd want to talk to/spend time with. In addition to becoming someone you can more enjoy being, you're apt to draw precisely the type of person you'd get on well with into your life as a result.

I find that by being adventurous and making sure to enjoy myself in every situation I end up surrounded by many other exciting people much of the time as well.

for little more explication ...

I don't know your full situation and therefore don't know exactly what you need to hear, but here's a bit of what I'd recommend to a more shy, less experienced version of myself that's wanting to become more alive and know people/the world better (all are things I've done and benefited from):

do Toastmasters, take an Improv comedy class, get a sales job, take up an extreme sport, do some kind of exercise most every day, travel whenever/wherever you can, do volunteer work, dress well, sort out any appearance issues you may have (problem skin or whatever else)

Just recently I've had fun getting to know some people better by having them as belaying parters in wall climbing as well. Group physical activities are excellent.

[The David]

Before college, I struggled with social anxiety and isolation something awful. I looked and looked and looked for a solution, but really, there was none. It only got better when I forced myself to talk to people and make 'friends' (although at the school I went to, I didn't really connect with anyone). It wasn't easy, but it was taking such an enormous step that made the smaller steps seem so much easier.

One thing that did help was being in a new environment. I grew up being 'quiet' and 'shy', but at my college, no one really knew me, so they didn't expect me to be shy. It's weird, but you (if you're like a lot of people) will generally give people what they expect.

You talk about some of your beliefs. Well, you're kind of right. There are many times where people don't want to talk to you. If you leave people alone, they'll probably leave you alone. When you try to connect with someone, then they may want to talk to you.

Maybe you should continue to believe these things, but still try to make friends anyway. It's hard to convince yourself to change a belief, but the more people you expose yourself to, the more evidence you'll have that your beliefs are wrong.

[NotesMaeve]

Originally Posted by ZachHart72

Another thing i noticed, is that in certain situations when people are talking to me, i feel as though im being patronized.

I also seem to assume that, without any evidence, certain people hate me, and never want to talk to me at all.

It is really causing me a lot of stress, because i would love to have more friends.

Friends, true blue ones, like the ones that will show up with $3000 cash because you're in one hell of a bind at 2 AM that you can't discuss over the phone, can't really be quantified. You don't need your posse with you at all times. You'll know who that is by who holds your hair back when you're throwing up in some dive bar bathroom.

[CBlokland]

At the end of the day all your 'problems' are just perceived ones. They are just negative emotions, thoughts and beliefs colouring your perception. Detox your mind and things will seem and be much better.

[Ree]

Great advice here and I hope you'll take it to heart and reap the benefits by breaking down those barriers around you. You have placed the barriers there yourself, you know, and you are fully capable of bringing them down. One of the best things you can do is to learn to listen, really listen. You'll probably see that plenty of others are quite insecure as well.

Read the newspapers and now and then choose a book off the latest top ten list and read that.

Volunteer. Volunteerism is a fantastic way to gain knowledge and skills and to make friends with whom you will automatically have something in common. Like animals? Volunteer at your local SPCA. Like the arts? Try the local community theatre or a museum. Want to help the homeless? Join Habitat for Humanity. You'll make a difference in the world and you'll meet people with similar interests along the way.

Oh, and do NOT forget to have fun!!

[The David]

How would you recommend 'detoxing the mind'?

[Fullcrum]

If anyone combines doing the things that people said here "External" with the mindsets I outlined before "internal" you'll be really set and going fast in no time.

[Senin]

I would try a couple of things. First of all, do the Big Mind process. Instead of trying to push the anxiety/fear away, accept it, listen to it, what is it trying to tell you. The more you try to get rid of it, the more persistant it becomes. Get the message, then it can relax. There are other benefits to Big Mind that will come in a few weeks.

And, try some toughness training. You aren't a daisy that is going to blow away. Approach your fears. Don't take on the big one the first day, but expand your comfort zones. Exercise and get yourself into a toughness frame of mind. Support yourself, eat right, drink water, sleep enough. Get enough stress and get enough relaxation. Read an inspiring book (I like Will, by Gordon Liddy).

[Fullcrum]

Hey Zach, what are you going to do? We've given you suggestions, turn them into actions. Tell us what you're going to do or doing already, and we'll help you out from there.

Otherwise we're giving blind advise, and we don't know if it's falling on deaf ears or not.

Actually, all of you, what are you DOING? That means mindsets as well as actions. What steps are you taking?

[4Mind4Life]

Affirmations, adopting new beliefs, forcing your self through uncomfortable situations, learning and experiencing will help you.

I personally find my Nature's Made fish oil VERY EFFECTIVE at eliminating anxiety and depression! It took awhile for the effects to "kick-in", but I'm definitely noticing change.

I also recommend seeing a neurofeedback practitioner if possible to help you learn how to learn and control more relaxing brainwave patterns!

Staying away from alcohol & drugs helps significantly. Meditation is AN AWESOME WAY TO OVERCOME ANXIETY!

Just keep trying, and I have faith that you can do it! I recommend the book "Feel The Fear And Do It Anyways" By Susan Jeffers as well.

Make aerobic exercise for @ least 30 minutes daily a habit.

I also recommend finding a good therapist! A good therapist can make a HUGE difference in your life!

Try these things and get back to me. I am confident that they will help!

[chrisjaeger]

I went to my Dr. and said "I feel like a TeePee."
He said, what else?
I said "sometimes I feel like a WigWam."
He shook his head and said, "Relax Chris, you're too tense."



All kidding aside... one thing I would add is:

STOP WATCHING THE NEWS

Another would be...

Download and listen to a couple Joel Osteen podcasts. I'm not a religious person, by any measurement, but MAN... does that guy talk to me sometimes. I get mine through iTunes. I'm not sure how you can get "back podcasts"... but you can get the weeklies going forward.

I agree 100% with the post about staying away from the booze. Fish oil... hmm, I never heard of that (and have a new bottle my Mom just gave me).

Have you ever taken the Myers Briggs test? It's very revealing and I believe very accurate. Once you know your "type" you quickly figure out what kind of people you're going to be comfortable around, and those that you won't. I drive some people NUTS (I know it) and if they see me coming they probably RUN. Others, like me (ESTP)... we're drawn to each other like a magnet.

When I'm doing sales... I try to figure out what type of person they are and adapt to their style. It's the most challenging part of sales, for me.

Seems to me you're as normal as anyone else on this board!

Keep the faith, believe in yourself... and ABC (always be closing!)



Chris

[Maguru]

Try first making friends with yourself. If you don't like your own company, how can others?

Originally Posted by ZachHart72

I have been finding latley that i have been suffering from a lot of social anxiety. Which i really wish would go away, and was wondering if anyon might be able to help with.

The problem, in simple terms, is that i believe fully that very rarley do people want to talk to me. Aside from my friends.

When i want to start a conversation with someone, i refrain, thinking, no, they dont want to talk to me. About to go visit someone...no, they dont want to hang out with me.

Another thing i noticed, is that in certain situations when people are talking to me, i feel as though im being patronized.

I also seem to assume that, without any evidence, certain people hate me, and never want to talk to me at all.

It is really causing me a lot of stress, because i would love to have more friends.

[Ilya]

You know ZachHart72, what is truly amazing about your situation?
The fact that the people with whom you are afraid to talk are also suffering from the similar anxiety and are afraid to talk to you.
Would you please make it easier for them and start the conversation?

If you think that you need some training in social skills try to find some seminar or an ongoing group. Usually there is a whole group of people with social anxiety gets together on such seminars. Everyone is afraid, so it's ok to talk and practice the social skills. Once you realize that they are just that, skills and you can talk with anyone about anything, the anxiety will be gone.

For me the basic NLP training on pacing, was the greatest breakthrough to help with social anxiety. When I've realized that I can be in rapport with any person and they would talk with me just to experience this rapport, it all became very easy.

[TheFlyingMan]

I think the best thing to do is to accept yourself for being afraid and anxious. Feel your emotions, not through your brain, but through your body, i.e. directly.

What does your anxiety feel like? A tightness in your throat, contraction, shivers? Then feel it, let it be. That will allow it to pass.

Then one thing you can do is to visualise yourself in a social situation. Then let the anxiety arise, and then heal it by feeling and accepting it.

Next thing, make it into a meditation. Go back into your past. Why are you anxious? It might be one event in your childhood, or a few smaller ones. Go back and heal the emotions from those events. It'll change your life, I guarantee it I was there before.

The problem is, social anxiety can sometimes (not always) stem from something a bit deeper than just a lack of experience in socialising. You can go out and force yourself to socialise, and that might work, but sometimes it doesn't - or your root issues are still there.

Some articles you might like:

Healing your emotions:
The elusive key to emotional mastery: Is it really that simple? » Personal Development - The Urban Monk

Applying it to anxiety:
Expanding your Comfort Zone like a Champion: Fear and Anxiety Cures » Personal Development - The Urban Monk

Finding your root issues:
Finding your core shames and pains - Deepening emotional mastery » Personal Development - The Urban Monk