Abortion anniversary: 'How would you approach it?'

[Tuumble]

Someone I hold very dear had an abortion 18 years ago this month. She was just 16 at the time.

Her father made her do it very much against her will and there's no doubt that her life would've been very different if it hadn't happened.

In one sense you could understand it being the right decision at the time but I feel she regrets not standing up for what were her rights.

A few years ago her father asked if she had any regrets almost expecting thanks but she said: 'Yes, very much so. I wish I'd never done it.'

He never mentioned it again.

She has even said that if the abortion had gone wrong meaning she could never have had children she would NEVER have forgiven him. Fortunately that's not the case and she now has a lovely family.

It maybe that the age of 18 holds special significance now and I sense a feeling of guilt as to what happened. That this child - a boy - would've grown up and should be now making their own way in the world as a man.

I'm just wondering whether I should say anything or let her be and deal with it in her own way.

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Tuumble

I'm just wondering whether I should say anything or let her be and deal with it in her own way.

Only if she brings it up. And even if she does, resist the temptation to talk about it.

Really.

Two reasons:

1. It was 18 years ago. She's undoubtedly heard them all, either from others or from inside her own head, for years. More words will probably not do much good, and could put her right back (emotionally) where she was years ago;
2. You're not her therapist. If she's still guilt-ridden over something that she really didn't have any control over - since she was 16 at the time, she wasn't of legal age and couldn't legally make her own decisions of that sort (depending on the jurisdiction) - then the help she needs would best come from a professional.

By all means, listen if she wants to talk. But I wouldn't encourage her to do the whole "share your feelings" stuff at this point. Too much time has passed.

[Angela]

I agree with cdn that it's up to her, not you, to bring it up if she wants to talk about it.

I don't agree, though, that too much time has passed for her to be encouraged to share her feelings about the whole thing, if she herself has expressed a desire to talk about it. If she does bring it up, I think, since she's someone you hold very dear, that you might be just the person to ask, "Do you want to talk more about this? I'm here if you do." Eighteen years is nuthin', when it comes to something like that. Every woman I've ever spoken with who has had an abortion thinks about that crossroad once in awhile, and regardless of whether she feels it was the right thing to do or whether she regrets it, it's good to feel the freedom to talk about her feelings, which can be pretty profound. Especially around a milestone like 18 years, and especially in a case like this, in which she was violated.

Tuumble, you are a particularly sensitive and open man, and I know if this discussion does take place, you will surrender any judgement or attempt to "fix" her feelings; you'll just let her talk until she's done and be committed to hearing everything she has to say.

She's lucky to have a friend like you, no matter what subjects come up for discussion (or don't).

[cdn2wheeler]

Actually, I think Angela and I agree on the basics here. I just worded it differently. In short, be there to listen if she wants to talk, but don't bring it up unless she does.

My point goes to the difference in the way men and women communicate. Women tend to talk and talk and talk and talk... it's some sort of pressure valve for them that helps them release some of their inner tensions (so they say... research doesn't actually back it up, but that's another thread entirely).

Men generally keep their trap shut and just fix whatever needs to be fixed. Instead of letting off steam through continual talking, they'll just take the pot off the stove and fix the problem.

But this is clearly something that can't be "fixed" in the usual sense, hence my advice to just leave things be unless she brings it up.

[Tuumble]

Yes, you both talk a lot of sense.

I guess I was worried about if NOT mentioning seemed like I'd forgetten about it which is not the case. Nothing can be changed so all I can do is be there should I be needed.

Incidentally, 16 for sex is the legal age in the UK but whether that includes legal issues such as abortion, I don't know.

[Lola]

Tuumble, you are a dear and it's clear you are concerned for your friend.

My thoughts on this differ from the others. In my experiences of grieving significant losses, I've often had many caring and concerned friends who offered "If you need anything, just call me" which, while thoughtful, often took more action than I was capable of performing. Then I had others who just showed up and did things. Whatever needed doing, whether it be take my dogs for a walk or just sit and let me cry.

The time that has passed for your friend is insignificant. There is no arbitrary date at which time a mother should be done with grieving the loss of any child, even more so the grief and regret of aborting a child.

If she were my friend, I would show up for her. I would let her know that I know it's a hard day for her and that I'm available for her. Then, as previously stated, I would let her talk. Or not. Sometimes having someone hold our hand and not expect us to say a thing is what's most needed.

But you know better than any of us what is best for your friend.

Peace,
Lola

[Jennihul]

Has she brought it up? Yes? Then chat about it. Has she not brought it up? No? Then you are possibly overdramatizing it.

I had an abortion when I was 19 and it was regretful that I was not in control enough of my life to prevent getting pregnant at that time. But I do not regret the decision to have one and never have.

My parents didn't know about it but it was just as if they "forced" me to have it by the way I was raised and their expectations of me. But I'm not foolish enough to place blame for it on anyone else's shoulders. Ultimately, it was my decision. Ultimately, it was HER decision as well.

Jennifer

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

Ultimately, it was HER decision as well.

We can't be sure about that. At the tender age of 16, the girl may not have had legal standing about medical procedures, and the parent/guardian would be charged with the responsibility - rightly or wrongly - to make those decisions for her.

[TLC11303]

Tuumble,
You sound like a really good friend, and your friend is lucky to have someone like you in her life. I went through a similiar situation 8 years ago, I still get very sad on the anniversary, I personally grieve on that day in private, but everyone is different, it sounds like you know your friend very well, I would go with my gut, and at the very least just let her know your there.

[Jennihul]

Originally Posted by cdn2wheeler

We can't be sure about that. At the tender age of 16, the girl may not have had legal standing about medical procedures, and the parent/guardian would be charged with the responsibility - rightly or wrongly - to make those decisions for her.

I think you have it backwards. They can't force her to have an abortion no matter what her age. They CAN force her to have the child in some states.

Jennifer

[cdn2wheeler]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

I think you have it backwards. They can't force her to have an abortion no matter what her age. They CAN force her to have the child in some states.

Jennifer

OP's friend is in the UK. I imagine different rules may applied, though admittedly it's not something I've researched.

[{aspiring_to_clarity}]

Originally Posted by Jennihul

I think you have it backwards. They can't force her to have an abortion no matter what her age. They CAN force her to have the child in some states.

Jennifer

At age 16, depending on your personality, your parents maintain a lot of control. Even if they cannot legally force it, it could effectively amount to her having "no other choice" (at least in her own mind).

[Bloggeries]

Who knows what would of happened. Frankly children raising children is never a good productive scene for the child or the "older child parent".

I'd forget about it if she brings up be sympathetic. 18 years ago is a long time to forgive and forget. You always think what iff and fantasize greatness. Realize what you have now and that "what if" could be much worse.

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